BLAH!
Tuesday, December 30, 2003
calm
i am feeling calm. lindsey said something brilliant tonight that has just now hit me. "you fear failure, but it seems to be your only hampering fear" I think thats it. I worry i will fail at this, but as Sir and Daddybear and i talk more, i get that you can't really fail at it.
Monday, December 29, 2003
the great mentalist
you know what a mentalist is? he/she is a person who does what a psychic does, but without the bullshit of telling you a spirit helped. basically a mentalist performs a magic trick, without the magic. The mentalist won't tell you how it's done, other than to say that he/she caught something. I won't tell you why i related this information, but if you read on, you'll probably figure out why. This boy (man) i just met is about to be out of school, he is also about to be out of an old relationship. Or, at least he is going to be facing his current one going through a change. You see, this boy (man) got involved with a great man a couple years ago. This great man helped the boy. He took this confused boy (man) and gave him direction, helped him. But the great man came with someone else. This great man has a boyfriend whom he has been with many more years than the boy. The great man's BF does not like the boy. And there in lies the boy's (man's) problem. There are other tragedies of course, other reasons for the dismantling. But here is this boy(man), put in a difficult place by his Sir. He is angry (or, i think should be), and confused. he loves his Sir, he wants be with his Sir. So right now, Daddybear and Sir are having him stay with them well he figures out what do about his relationship. Sufice to say, he has a lot to decide, and when i sit next to him, i can almost feel it's weight. So, i say this without jaddedness, without anger, without fear. Don't trust anyone with everything. Don't put all your faith in anything, even G*d doesn't answer people sometimes. Have a backup, have an out. No one will ever take care of you the way you can take care of yourself. you have to believe that. I do. not to say don't ever trust people, i just mean, don't believe that they are all you need. That you can count on them forever. It just won't happen, everyone screws up, most people won't intend to screw you over, but you have to be prepared for it to happen. But's the event has brought up this worry inside me, this fear i can't seem to face. no...thats not it, it's this fear i can face, i just can't seem to stare down. With my other fears, i could always reason them out, or do something to remove them from me. Like, i was scared of water (more sharks, but it extended to swimming pools). So i got up early one day (i was 10, we were at our rented summer beach house). I ran out to ocean just as the sun was coming up, and i swam, as far out as i could. I practically drowned on the way coming back, but i got over my fear. Swimming would never be as scary as when i did it in the ocean, alone, exhausted, and when it was barely light out. So going into pools became fun. I like to face my fears, they give me an excuse to do something exciting. It's the basis for a lot of the scenes i do...if the thought terrifies me, i am usually in. But here i sit with this fear, like a dog that follows me around. I am worried that my addition will adversly effect the relationship of Sir and Daddybear. That's it. this basic, worry. it's stupid, they have been together 8 years, they love eachother. But adding a person (even on that will only be there part time), shifts things. and i want them to be the way they are now, with or without my presence. sounds noble doesn't it? "oh he wants to see those two together even if that means he can't have them!" No, it's selfish, incredibly so. Just knowing they are together gives me hope. And i find my life severly lacking in hope, sometimes. I know it's just a stupid fear, but, it's one i can't stop from invading my thoughts. On an unrealated note...Daddybear fucked me last! I didn't really enjoy it, but Sir says that it takes time. And i want to spend time on it. It was wierd though, my hole felt raw, and this whole weekend i have been working overtime mentally trying not to think about some things. But there i was getting fucked. It hurt, i wanted it to stop, i begged, whined. Daddybear didn't, it's Sir and Daddybear's hole, they get to use it when they want. It's a hot thought, a hot practice. But as i was getting fucked, i felt it again, that feeling, that well inside me. and it made me think about all this stuff that i havd been trying not to think about. These insecurities, these demons, these desires. I didn't want to cry again, so i focused on the physical pain, trying hard to concentrate on that only. it worked. But then Daddybear cam, and pulled out of me, and the pain was gone. And i was left with the thought. Sir and Daddybear noticed i think, i kept telling them i was fine. I was, but the thought persisted. This desire i had to grab my stuff, get dressed, and run to the bus stop. Snag a random one. This want i suddenly felt. This massive pull. So heavy i was doing an inventory of what i brought, how much money i had, and where i could go. G*d it sounds stupid, but i wanted to tell Sir, tell Daddybear. Just tell them, say it aloud. But i couldn't find the words, i could only tell them i was fine. But how do you say "all i want to do is run right now, it will pass, but i feel it." You don't, you just lay there. you let it pass. You hold Daddybear, or get close to Sir, and hope they will forgive you for not telling them. and it passes. Sometimes when i trick i get that feeling, and bam, out the door i go. I have never stayed when i felt that way. It usually comes when some emotional thing hits me. Like this man held me after i blew him, then said "so maybe we could have dinner some night, and i could get to know you." It was when i was 17, i looked at him as i put on my pants, and said "why don't we try coffee...but i gotta get going...you can e-mail me or something" Latter that night i found myself in hartford (2 1/2 hours from me, and i had just gotten my license 5 days prior). So i couldn't figure out why i had that feeling, why it came to me. i mean the big emotional feeling should have been the night before when i lost my virginity (that word still sounds funny to me). But there i lay being held by Daddybear, holding his arms trying to stop the thought. So last night i had the dream. It's always the same, I start out running, i leap over the neighbors fence first, then run through their backyard, leaping over the next neighbors fence. Then i am on the street, and i suddenly i am driving, flying down the freeway, and i stop. I get out of the car, and i finally spread my wings. But not it time it always seems, you see my car gets hit from behind (don't park on a freeway). and it flips into me, just as i am lifting off the ground, i get flung and then i wake. I am glad to be with Sir and Daddybear right now, and as weird as it feels to say this. Especially when i felt like that, today the thought wasn't there. But its in me still. Why can't i just let go? I suppose all things take time.
Sunday, December 28, 2003
Reality
So here i sit, naked, in socks (hiked up the way Daddybear likes), typing out a blog. The idea of being owned is so intoxicating, not just being owned, but whom my owners would be. But it is also a relationship. and more to the point it is me entering a well established relationship (the one that Sir and Daddybear already have). And it means making sacrifices. It means giving certain things up. It also means rewards, and bonuses, and closeness. And here is the thing, I want to come back here, I want to be at thier feet. This whole time that is something i know. But then the word relationship comes up and i start to freak out. Sir said to me this morning "at some point the game ends" and then this relationship begins. But it's strange. They are not going to be my boyfriends. We are not going to be going out with all my younger friends and hanging out at some movie. They are not going to meet my parents, or hang out at Alli's house when she throws a party. They will remain in boston where i will visit them, as their boy. and thats fine with me, its not something i need right now. one of the perils of liking older men is dealing with the fact you are going be a little disadvantaged when it comes to mutual hangouts. I like the idea of being their's. I like when it is practiced on me, when they act it out, when they claim me. But can i give up on running around? And what do i do about my other commitments: April 29, visit to Dallas for play Plans to go to SF for spring break. the 2 hours with HOSS 2.5 hours at MAL... I have to honor them still, right? Not to mention i am slutty, I like kissing, I like hooking up, it's going to be weird to have to refer a person to SIR. But fun too. Lots of questions. I need answers. but i think i have to wait for them.
Pain
But...there are a couple caveats. there are two types of boys I hate more than anything. The "Always owned" boy (AO), and the "Can if I like it" boy (cili). An AO boy ia a boy that always seems to be with a Dom. Not as fun plaything, but always as that dom's boy. It's never the same dom, always a rotation. Frequently you will hear "i thought he was with ____" and then someone will respond "not anymore it seems." This type of boy never fully explores any relationship, but he always is in one. Jumping from one man to the next. And jumping is fine with me, but ownership is sort of like anouncing a person as your boyfriend. It means something, and you have to think about what that means. And want to clarify, i am not talking about a boy who say...goes to MAL and wears 15 different collars from 15 different tops he services throughout the trip, thats fine with me. I am refering stricktly to a boy who jumps from one "relationship" to the next labeling each as such. It just irks me when people do that, it demeans those people that care about eachother. A hookup is a hookup, a hookup you like a lot and want to date is a man you are dating. Thats why i get irked with these quicky realtionships, and it's what i want to avoid doing with Sir and Daddybear. I like them a lot, and really want to explore the possibilities of what is out there, but...i don't want to be that guy who does the quick relationship. The Cili (pronounced Silly) boy, is a boy who is a good boy only when it benefits him. Specifically, this boy, is a boy in name sake only. He's not very submissive, he likes play, and can do some basic submissive acts. He is, ultimately, selfish. He only does a scene the way he wants to, he doesn't help with the cleanup afterwards. He does little to prove himself beyond the playing, he shows little affection towards his Sir and he mopes. Again, I don't mind a guy who says "yeah, i like to be flogged, but don't expect me to call you Sir after." I like guys like that (mind you i don't want to flog them, i want to blow them). I don't mind a boy who doesn't like being submissive, that is fine with me. What i mind are those boys who are owned boys, who carry thier collar around like it is some noose. Who don't get a joy out of the submissive aspects of their choosen relationship. And thats just it, a Cili boy isn't a bad boy, he's just a boy who hasn't figured out what he wants. So he is stuck with stuff he is not sure he want's and doesn't get joy out of. My word of advice on this is simple. Submission isn't something that starts in the bedroom. You should like submitting to the other stuff first. And this is what worries me, i have liked the cum control that i have been on, and using the plug repeatedly to get myself prepped for what finally happened last night (yippity yahoo amazing). I like the cock cage when i am here. Doing those things under Sir and Daddybear's orders make me hard. And non sexually, i like vacuming, i like attempting to cook, and i like cleaning. Not in general, but doing that for Sir and Daddybear. They don't get me hard, but it pleases me. However, with cum control and the cockcage, and with the plug. They have a purpose to me. The plug was used to get me ready for Sir and Daddybear. The cockcage keep me from cumming when i am around them, to remind me of my place too. and the cum control is too keep me from becoming to greedy. And that is where my submission takes a bit of a dive. I hate the plug, i just do, the only thing my hole really needs to be widened for is Sir and Daddybears cocks. Having accomplished it, i don't want to keep using the plug, i won't be able to find joy in it. i will continue if that is required, but just the act of the plug isn't hot to me. Cum control. Okay, i have chastity fantasies. Last night Sir and Daddybear fucked me. I was in the the cage, and just there as a use for their pleasure (doesn't that sound like cheap porno?). It was hot, and that thought gave me my pleasure, getting fucked by Daddybear as Sir whispered "put out." Yeah it's hot. But i like masturbating, and i don't like the idea of going weeks without cumming. I have just finished some weeks without cumming, and i can do it. I am willing to do it, but it feels more like a punishment than anything. So where does that leave me? why write all that out? Well, a person once said to me "submission is just doing the things you like and adding 'yes SIR!' onto it" so...am I a cili boy? again, much has to be discussed.
Joy
So, i have a collar, at least part time! Two hot men, want to see more of me! It's cool as all hell, fun too! I like the though of just being in this apartment more, going up to boston to see them, getting to know them. They are good at what they do, they made me cry, held me afterwards. If you ever look at the time stamps on my blogs you will note that a lot of them start at 4:00 am. I don't sleep well, never have, but i sleep here. They are open, not just sexually, but in a way that will allow you to see not only how they think or what they are thinking, but what they are feeling. And pointing them out across a bar, or mentioning them to friend would be fun. I am proud at the idea of being their boy. And submitting to them gets my dick hard, being at Sir or Daddybear's feet is comforting, and hot to me. I'm learning things, not only how to take more pain, and how to breath properly (in a scene). But also basic stuff that my wealthy jew upbringing didn't afford me. Like how to vacum, and cook, and clean a bathroom. It just feels right, and good, and nice.
mine
So, where do i begin? It was on saturday afternoon when Daddybear, Sir, and I discussed the possibility of full time ownership. I want to go for it, they want to go for it. And that was that, decision made. Sir is my Sir, Daddybear is my Daddybear, and am their boy. At least, if it all works out I will be. I am not owned yet, the termonology is "under consideration for ownership." But that hasn't stopped dirty talk (hot filthy naughty dirty talk). "Yeah, thats my and Daddybear's hole, boy." So what the hell does this mean? I don't know exactly...they are going to start taking control of different aspects of my life. I will be asking permision to play, I will be discussing major changes with them. I am not allowed to get fucked by anyone else (i call that geographical monogamy, you pick a spot on the body and only use it with your partner, or in this case, owners). there is a lot we have to discuss, a lot that has to be worked out. They have never owned a boy before, i have never been owned before. So we have to figure out the rules, and we have to consider the distance between me and them (boston vs my lovely city of new york). It's funny, I never really think about relationships. I don't get up in the morning feeling like there is anything major lacking in my life. I don't have nights where i stay up late lamenting the lack of a lover to share my life with. Sex and friendship occupy two very different spaces in my head. Agreeing to this sort of a thing is testing that. Now, i also will probably be reminded that i had a boyfriend (VJ!). So it's not like this is the first time i am doing this...but, it is in a way. I loved VJ, still care about him, but it wasn't the closest of relationships, I can admit that. It boiled down to a sort of...summer fling. But as I prep to enter this new relationship...i can't help but look back at it. I screwed it up, neglected it, put the relationship second to fun. We also weren't compatible when it came to our views on leather. He didn't like the protocol of it, and was critical of the boy/Sir "thing" as he called it. It made it hard for me to be open about what i wanted to try since i knew his views on it all. But there were also standard relationship issues, he is a home body, there was jealousy, and all that other stuff. So it ended, partially because of college, partially because i was ready to move on. and now? Well, i am feeling a lot of things so i am going to break them down into 3 seperate posts. Joy Worry reality.
Friday, December 26, 2003
Thursday, December 25, 2003
For Girlfag
Okay, so Girlfag doesn't celebrate christmas. The commercialism, the phoneyness, and all the rest of the crap have put her off of it. I have since decided to give her a present anyway. It's not necisarily a christmas present. It's a non-specific "holiday" present. So Girlfag, this blog is for you. Girlfag and i started chatting back in July i think. She was on LN but they kicked her off for being a girl (stupid macho bullshit). She is thoughtfull, inteligent, and well put together. Her blog puts it all out there. It's honest and well written, and very much Beautiful. So Girlfag this posts for you, if your anything like your online persona, you have a great soul. I am sick, and planning on getting well quickly (i don't like being sick, it's that weak feeling i hate). I don't think this will be a long blog (the way i want it to be), but i figured in honor of GF's amazingly honest blogs. I would give out a little truth that i have been keeping to myself for a number of years: My emotions are linked to music in a very strange way. A song i like now i will loathe when my mood changes. If you pay attention to the music i have in my cd player you can predict what i am feeling.
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
Correction
Reading the blog below over, i don't want to be their cat...but i don't think i would mind being theirs. Does that make sense? yeah it makes sense. It's a fantasy, you get to be anything in a fantasy.
Snuggles, the talking cat.
I have a cat. It makes me smile. it's name is Tigerlily, I have taken to petting her until she meows. Then i let her get off my lap, she runs around, and comes back for more petting. Cats work well that way. When they need you, they come to you, when you need them, you have to seek them. Not exactly what you should aspire to be...but how often do you need a cat? So i am still on the fence when it comes to college next year. But i am supposed to be on the fence at this point. So i am gaining acceptence with it. Meanwhile Sir, Daddybear, and I keep having online chats about school and such. It's wierd, i found out a couple grades today and was excited to tell them. Stupid isn't it? I am trying very hard to just think about the upcoming visit....but i can't help but imagine. A friend of mine once told me to just let my fantasies roam free. And for the most part i do, but i like to remind myself of the reality. This trip could go bad, i could not be what they want. they could not be what i want. But...what if we are? what if it works? what if i get to spend a lot of time with them...What if i get to KNOW them. What if i get to let them KNOW me? It's a scarily nice thought. Maybe I could be thier cat, not exactly what a boy should asprie to be...but how often does a Sir want a cat? We all seek adventure. All i know so far is that i am willing. And they are willing. Now all i need is "Ready" and "Able". But back to college: Dad E. thinks chicago would be good for my leather education. And i am still going to finish my ap for depaul, but i just don't know if it can happen. Sigh...really need to find that magic 8 ball. no, i need to just keep gathering info, and planning.
Sunday, December 21, 2003
My father, myself, and my grandfather’s ashes.
I never knew my grandfather, that didn’t bother me. Still doesn’t. But talking to my father I realized he didn’t know him either. I am third generation closed hearted person. My mother’s side of the family is so open and close. We don’t see them often, but when we do, I kind of want to hit them. Wow, that sounds mean. I should explain. They are not open in a “hey I am sad, help me” kind of way. They are open in that everybody knows each others business, it’s not loving, it’s snotty. Anyway, we and my Father discussed life and such, he trusts me, and worries that interfering will fuck me up. If he pays for school he thinks I will slack off. But he has agreed to give me 400 dollars a month so I don’t have to work the whole time I am in school. So, I freaked out a bit for something that does not seem as bad now. But I have decided to give my self until junior year to find an apartment and move out. That give me a year and half to figure it out. I think that is enough. So, what do I do? Go to cheap school that can give me the basics, and have little debt. Continue on at pace and get a good education with some connections but more debt. Or fuck it all, leave for Chicago next year, rack up a lot of student loans, for an unknown benefit? Well…I don’t know. In truth the reason’s I had for moving to Chicago now make the idea scary. I know no one there, I would be completely without a net. Staying here give me options. But…does it? I wouldn’t be able to live alone, I would need a roommate until I finished school (rent is high here). But I would be close to home, I would be able to go to school from there. It’s all a question of how I go about this. The answers will come, I just need to think, and work for them. I am not scared, I am determined. In other news, Sir and Daddybear and I keep having online talks and chats and such. It’s scary, I have to keep reminding myself that I just met them. But, I want to know them, but more so I want them to know me. That’s the part about knowing people that sucks, isn’t it? You can’t control them or what they want. It’s also the fun part. I like it when they give me orders. I like that they have challenged me. But where’s it going to go? Sigh, I should have never sold that crystal ball… Back; to my father and his father; they weren’t close. My grandfather came from a wealthy family, worked as a teacher. He taught my father that men didn’t cry, they were strong, they worked hard. My father taught that to his sons. And here we are. My Family doesn’t talk to one another about a lot of things. We aren’t close… and I don’t think I want to be. I am, however, getting that I do want to be close with some people. Now it’s a matter of relearning.
Little pig, little pig.
Okay, so faced with all that I just wrote out. Money blah, blah, blah. I am looking at my trips. This may be the last year I get to do this for awhile. I’ve got to make the most of it. Anyway… I spoke to Daddybear and Sir about this. And something Sir said has been causing me to self converse… Basically we had a conversation about help. They offered, almost immediately, I half assedly refused. I want it though, does that make me weak? It feels weak to want it. Sorry, I want to write more, but I am sleepy, and exhausted. But I am going to take some advice and talk with my Father. I need ground. Maybe going to a cheap school would be fun, snagging a small apartment with a friend. I picture studying late nights in some cramped space, complaining about the heat. Yeah, I could do that, it would be a nice story to tell. But man I do need that ground, mmmm….the bed calls me.
Hollow 1.
Okay so today I went back home from college. My father picked me up, drove me home. We had a nice discussion, and then he drops a small bombshell. “You are poor.” At first I thought he meant he lost his job or something awful like that. No, no, not my father. Basically, they (my parents) decided to cut my funding next year. Not totally mind you, but in a big way. They won’t be doing the following: Co-signing any loans Paying for apartments, nor living expenses. Using any of their money to pay for my college. So yeah, that sucks. It’s was sort of what I was expecting. The kicker is what caused my minor tailspin freak-out. It’s that, they don’t plan to help at all. That’s the part he went over. Up until this point when it came to college funding, I was getting it all from my left over college fund. However, my thinking was always that I would be able to borrow the rest from my parents as opposed to the bank. Or that they would cosign so I would get a better rate, you know, something. No, it’s all on me. But isn’t that what I wanted? Isn’t that what I keep screaming about? “I want to be independent; I want to be self made!” So then I have it happen and I freak out. Funny. But it’s more then that, my parents have money. They have this ability, these connections. It would be nice to know that if I needed them, I could have them. Nope. So, this throws my Chicago plan off, sort of. I am just not sure at the moment, and every part of me wants it fixed, now. But it’s not so bad. Lots of people go to college with the aid of loans. Lots of kids can’t move out of their home state until they get older. I just didn’t think I was lots of kids. Stupid, isn’t it? We all want to think we are unique, and original. We like to think our problems are unique to us only. It’s not true, this blog has taught me that, but I seem to need refreshers now and then. The more I think about it all, in real terms, the more I realize how okay this could be and is. I need to think more about Chicago, I am still going to take the trip, and see where it takes me. I don’t think I will be staying at Pace either way. But here we go. Okay, so originally I was going to use this space to write out my relationship with my father. But I figured it out. It’s simple. He treats me like I am thirty, that’s it. I think one day he got up and decided I was too old to be a child anymore. I think I have been trying to be thirty because of it. I think I am not ready to be thirty. I think that’s okay. Is it me, or does that thought seem huge?
Saturday, December 20, 2003
You Fucking slut
I want control of my penis. Who remembers this Post? Tonight, I am out at the eagle (TMP was a moderate failure, gonna have to re-vamp). Red and I are chatting and we decide to go out the back door so I can watch him smoke. I run into TCO’s partner (the one who prevented my further interactions with TCO), and I am waiting for it to be awkward. It’s not. He shows me this huge fucking smile, calls me over. “We’ve been chatting about you, Dan is here, you should go say hi” We talk a bit longer, I lick him (I HAVEN’T CUM IN 15 DAYS). We kiss a little and he goes inside. I finish my chatter with Red, essentially I have decided that the leather community in NYC is so fucked up not because of the bar (that is a factor), or the lack cheap play space (that is a factor), but because of the leather community. People here are not making the effort. We all bitch about the eagle being a twink bar, and how they look at us (okay I don’t wear leather, and twinks like me, but still). So that is the excuse for us not using the eagle. Well here is the truth, A LEATHER COMMUNITY TAKE EFFORT. It takes stares, insults, awkward moments. It takes putting yourself out there, it means going out to the leather bar, it means showing up to events. It means you take new people under your wing if you need to. It means you offer your time up for things at the bar. It means you don’t stare down the guy who checks you out, no matter what he is wearing. That’s what it means. Yes, the eagle is full of twinks, and they don’t like you in leather, and they don’t like bears. Well, your into S/m, not everyone will like you, get over it. Go out to the fucking bar, it’s all we got. And show up in boots and t-shirt, just show up. And you know what? You want to make the bar really great? Show up early, call your friends, ask them to come out. Grab a section when it’s early. Introduce yourself to anyone else who looks to be in the know. This is your leather community, you make it what you want. Are you doing your part? We are leathermen for Christ sakes, your going to let what a twink thinks of you in your leather deter you from having a good night? This goes for every community, sacrifice one night a week and go to the bar for at least an hour, long enough to buy a drink. Money talks, know that, if they can make steady money off of a leather clientele, than they will do their best to keep that. But back to my night, so Red and I head inside the eagle. TCO is there, he smiles, I smile. I stand next to Red, make him work for me (not it’s not submissive, but, I Haven’t cum for 15 DAYS). He does, boldly, grabs me, kisses me, full tongue, like he is trying to taste my stomach. Damn, I hate how easy it is to turn me on. In less than 10 seconds he is crushing my balls, and offering to take me home. But a couple things he did irked me. He says “you will make a great slave.” This is sort of insulting to slaves, but more so shows a lack of respect for self definition. I am a boy, with all my submission and acts; I get to define what I am, no one else. But again ( and I can’t stress this enough) I haven’t cum in 15 days. So I play along, and man it’s working. He is kissing me, telling me how he plans to shave me (not my bag other than it’s a control thing). He tells me how I would sleep on the floor, wake him with blowjobs (no one explains how I am supposed to get up before them). I would make breakfast, take piss, greet him when he got home. I am getting really turned on…then it hits me… I have had this weekend, I am going to have this weekend again, with men who I really want to have this weekend with. So I stop kissing TCO for a minute. “I leave for home tomorrow, but why don’t you e-mail me, and we can meet up when I get back” I don’t go home with him, I don’t have plans to see him, I am happy with that decision. Scary, but what the hell? I can afford to postpone things, and reject things, I get to be picky. So then something odd happens, TCO and his partner leave…I head upstairs to see if I know anyone. I catch the eye of this tattooed shirtless guy. I don’t care what you look like, shirtless is sexy, it’s confident. So I walk over… and I get the feeling I know him. Or have seen him. I say so…he has the same feeling. We go through the spiel… “internet?” nope. “friends?” nope. Then it hits me Daddybear and Sir introduced me. Shit. I know his past, his lover died about 2 weeks ago (from cancer). I can’t move my lips for a second. I sputter, oh, um I was up to see ___ and ____ ( I use their names). He clicks… “oh hey! Good to see you” I tell him I am sorry about his loss. We chat more, I offer to buy him and his friend a drink. Death hovers, it’s what death does. I am so afraid (terrified) of people who have experienced it recently. I am just so awkward around it. Not due to lack of experience, but my coping mechanism is humor. So I am always worried I will just shoot my mouth off, and say something horrible. But I don’t, we just talk. It’s nice, its borderline sexual. He gives me his number, tells me to look for him at MAL. I tell him about GMSMA’s event at the eagle on Saturday. He tells me to call and maybe he will come. So I want to control my penis, not the cuming (I like that Daddybear and Sir have that at the moment). But what gets it hot, what gets me hot. It’s futile really, but it would be nice to have an off switch. Up in the AM night all!
Friday, December 19, 2003
Skim, dive in
So as of now: I am not planning anymore trips, nor making any more play promises. This may change but I think for now I am good. Don’t mean I am going to stop playing. Just means I am taking a break. Something a friend pointed out…I am going to try exploring some spots deeply rather than skimming the whole pond. But I shall be honoring all commitments.
Let it hang.
What is about a well written e-mail? I hate thinking. Not completely, I like self analysis when it comes to fun stuff. Math is great, theology is wonderful, and political discussions (good ones) can get me hard (mentally). But there are sometimes when you just don’t want to think about why you do things. The problem with S/m is this: Life points. Since I play with mostly older guys (24 and above) it makes connecting difficult. There are ways around it, but you have to work. So here is my statement “I am young, wild, free, and I enjoy the roaming right now.” But I am getting that that’s not a forever thing. Nor do I want it to be one. So I wrote a list of 10 things I want to hear in the next 5 years: “You should come to my place for Thanksgiving” “It’s a good thing you’re so responsible” “Thanks for being there when I needed you.” “You do come highly recommended” “Congratulations on graduating college!” “I need your advice on this” “Wow, you got all A’s this semester” “So tell me, how was your trip to England?” “You have a lovely apartment” “I am so glad you’re my boyfriend” And now, 10 things I want to say (and really mean): “I’m not worried at all” “Why don’t you spend the night at my place?” “I like to take things slow, I have my life set up so I can” “I was so foolish then” “You want to go steady?” (It’s old fashioned, but I want to say it, damn it) “I am going home for the weekend, should be nice” “I’ve got too much on my plate at the moment, maybe when I am less busy” “Sure I can help you, I went through the same thing” “I am very happy with my decision and choices” “I know myself pretty well.” There are context to all of these. Okay, that’s enough with the future site. Anyway… I finished finals, saw Red (great chat) and tonight we are doing TMP which may just be me and him dressed up in a regular bar. Which a fun thought; especially since Red will be totally leathered up. It’ll be fun either way just to chat with him some more, he is a good friend. I go home tomorrow. So I have to pack tonight. Oh and…..I WANT TO CUM.
Thursday, December 18, 2003
My "resolution"
Okay here it is: I will work at least 2 weekend everymonth. this means at least 16 hours every 2 weeks, or 32 hours a month. and i will pay off my credit card Debt ( i don't have a lot, just enough for that to be something i should do).
My trips
New Years is coming time to get my trips in order: Sir and Daddybear December 27th-no idea Chicago January 8-11 MAL, DC January 17-21 San Francisco to visit Friends March 12-21 (tentative, not sure of visit length) Dallas Texas April 29th Hmmm… looking at the list some things are absent and need to be figured out. So lets move on to promises that I am still bound to entering the new year: I will volunteer in an Aids Hospice I will check with Specs before using inhalants I will make no plans for Febuary trips until Special K gives me the OK. I have 2 hours of submission with Hoss. I will be “kidnapped” at MAL and have 2.5 hours of beating to survive or I give up cum control I will visit Alli in Vermont I will complete my application for Depaul even if I hate Chicago. I will play rugby next semester.
First day of adderall
Let’s talk about trust (final in 2 hours, I am going to study soon). There are levels to it, here are mine. This is mostly about S/m, friendship trust and other stuff won’t be included here. This is basic, it goes much First there is play trust. That is the belief that you won’t cause me harm. It means I will leave the scene feeling okay. And, with nothing that I didn’t ask for/want, mark wise. This kind of trust is pretty easy to attain, I just need to feel I can. Secondly there is life trust. That is when I trust you enough to let you help me with decisions. If I have a problem I come to you. Or I take your advice when it comes to something I don’t understand. Basically, I ask for your help. This is slightly harder to get, but still it’s about feeling. Thirdly there is Respect trust. This is when I trust you enough that even when I think your wrong, I do as you ask. Like if you say “you can take more.” Or “you can do it” I am willing to try. It’s hard to gain this, this trust is something that’s more difficult to get because it has to be built up from the first and the second. Lastly there is Love trust. This is when I think caring about you, and letting you care about me, is okay. It’s very hard to get because it requires not only building on the first 3, but also some as yet undefined thing. It’s not impossible, but it’s hard. That’s all for now! Time to hit the books
the rapist
Lots to write about Special K thinks I need to see a shrink. But it’s not the insulting kind of “you need help, freak.” I think it’s more a friend seeing a problem and wanting to help it. Like if your best friend has a bad cough and you were to say “how about you see a doctor?” My trouble is this: I, apparently, don’t want to. I don’t know when it happened. But I just don’t like the idea of going back into a therapist’s office anytime soon. I suppose this is recent, you see I saw a therapist from july of 2000 to September of 2003, I began seeing her because I came out. It was helpful, really helpful, but also a great pain in the ass. You see, therapy is not fun. It’s a process; it’s about looking deep within you and facing the reality. It’s about figuring out how to change that reality, or how to like that reality. At the time, I hated myself for being gay, believing it to cause me to be an outsider. I felt separated from my peers, I had lost part of myself. I couldn’t play football (I figured the other kids would hate me if I tried), or do track. So…I felt lost. She helped, helped a lot. But it was painful, nail dragging. “why do you feel that way” “why do you want that” “why do you think that?” She challenged me in a way I hadn’t been before. So from 16-17 we talked about being gay. Than at 17 I started to play, I gave head here and there. Talk about boyfriends (yes, I wanted one). But we talked more, and I realized I didn’t really want one, I wasn’t ready. What I wanted was more experiences of sex…So I got that (this is blog depicts that a lot). Then I discovered kink. And I hid it from her. It was shameful in a way that scared me. Piss, pits, ropes, bruises, rug burns, begging, and welts. But one day I told her, told her everything, the filthy dirty parts, the clean parts, and the fantasies. She didn’t blink. “Well, we have more to talk about it seems.” Anyway…we talked about it. But at that point, it was about how to do it safely. I didn’t theorize S/m then, it was a new fun/scary thing. Now it’s a Fun/scary thing, that do and want to understand. For the most part, I try not to think too deeply about the “y”. The “y” is a scary unknown in my life. But I am starting to think about it. The “y” is anything. Why do you like blue? Why don’t you want it in pink? Y, it’s all over, and I am going to look for it I think. Anyway…what brought this on? I got my Adderall (Ritalin, but better) filled today. I am going to start trying it out. But ADHD meds aren’t like normal meds, in order to get them you have to see a doctor once a month. This Doctor asks you questions about life, how your family is, how your home life is, how school is, how your friends are, your sex life. Which isn’t so bad…but after awhile you know the answers, and you know what to say to get what you want. today the doctor complimented me for “expedient answers.” Sigh, I am giving myself till next fall. Then I am going to see consider a therapist. I need a break from it for a bit. But thanks Special K, you’re a good man.
Wednesday, December 17, 2003
I am a whiny little bitch: day and night 4
So they had me stay until Monday (this was decided pre-crying). It was basically un-eventful: I got up as Daddybear and Sir left for work. Daddybear kissed me goodbye and groped me a little (woohoo) So did Sir (woohoo). I cleaned the bathroom, did the chores. Then studied and waited for Sir and Daddybear to come back from work (if I ever become a house boy, I will need a steady job, I don’t think I could hang out at home all day). Sir came back from work early (permit my small ego trip, and the thought I might have played some small role in that). But I was a bit whiny…I guess the night before left me feeling a bit raw…but I was also a little upset about the whole not being fucked thing. I wanted it…hell I put in a lot of hours for it. I was begging for it, and they refused it (none of this is sounding boy like I know). So I felt thi So…I acted in a way I was not proud of… I was a jerk to Sir. I won’t go into details but, I got whiny and not very submissive which would have been fine, but I acted more like a brat than anything. Sufice to say it wasn’t a proud moment. But why…why was I whiny…I think it was that after crying…I just felt this need to pump up my masculinity. It was foolish and not very effective. Anyway…Sir showed me how to make hamburgers (slap the meat into a “patty” then put in a skillet to fry it). Daddybear had to work late so I am on the bus home before he get to say goodbye…but he gave me a call on the bus to say thanks for the weekend. There is a whole lot I am missing of the weekend… I am sure I got some the details wrong. But I think the gist of it is what matters. So that’s it. I cried. I go back on the 27th, they say they will expect more. I am not scared of screwing up. I know they only want to know that I am trying, and I plan on trying. But…you know I am just gonna leave that but. There is a But…I just don’t know what it is yet.
I sob like a moron (do moron's sob?) and i finally accept it, sort of: Night 3
Sunday This sleep was good, fulfilling sleep. I got up, made breakfast, well, more like helped. Eggs and bacon, I am watched the bacon and eggs being cooked and tried to take note. The bacon I got, I think, you put that in a pan until it crisps up. The eggs seem easy, but I am not sure. We eat and Sir and Daddybear decide to show me the city of Boston (gag). We went Christmas shopping I kind of just followed behind the two of them as they shopped for gifts for friends of theirs. We saw the holocaust memorial that’s in Boston (amazing). I was told about architecture. That is where my weekend got weird, I felt like a son. My parents never took the family on trips, not like that anyway. We would show up at a hotel and then we would all decide what we wanted to do. My mother might take me and one of the others to a museum. My father might take you to the art gallery. But it was never a family thing. But that’s my family as a whole. We split into fractions, we don’t function well as a group. I have accepted that. But Sir and Daddybear, as a couple, remind me of Alli’s (a friend of mine) parents. They kiss each other, hold hands, and point out things. Mock each other, make those faces of kindness (you know the ones) across tables, and the genuinely love each other, I think. That’s Alli’s parents, and I think it works for Daddybear and Sir. I often like just watching Touts’s family operate. When I spend the night I’ll always wind up getting up to her mom telling us to get up. She makes breakfast (real breakfast, eggs, toast, milk, orange juice). She always calls Alli’s dad down, he will ask how your day was. Make some lewd comment about me sleeping with Alli (he knows I am gay). Then he will ask alli for details about her life…not “how is school” but “how is math, I know you hate it.” Or “are you still having trouble with your roommate?” The kind of questions that show caring, but more to the point show knowledge. They have an organism of a household, it grows and functions with a warmth you can feel. So I am watching Sir and Daddybear realizing how privy I am to all of this. They literally let me see a portion of their life. So it’s hitting on me, I feel more and more sonlike as we go. Like I am out with my parents and they want me to gain culture. It’s a nice kind of feeling. Of course I am still carrying all the bags (that’s a turn on), following behind Sir and Daddybear (to the left). There are rules and orders, but there are also moments of affection. Sir kissed me in the park, it was hot, Daddybear is less giving with that sort of thing (grumble). But all and all it was like this weird outing…like a family outing I had never been on before. So this thought was weighing on me the whole day “Am I trying to rebuild a part of my childhood through s/m?” And that thought will be important. So we head home, Sir and Daddybear watch a movie while I study (2.5 hours each day I am there). I turn my headphones up and listen to “TOOL” as I run through my math book and CIS presentation. I finish studying, I head out and we all have dinner. It’s chicken for me, and bacon for them. Then we have THE TALK. This discussion of the weekend, this analysis of play, my boyhood, if we want to meet again, what flaws, what strengths, what would I change about them, what they about me. We talk, they want to see me again, they want me on my ADD meds next time, Sir tells me he won’t fuck me this time because I am not ready (grrrrr, that hasn’t stopped me, or anyone else, before). I tell them I didn’t like going out with their friends and the rest (read the blog). The discussion ends, Sir tells me he is going to flog me now. I get ready, he lets me choose the CD…I pick TOOL. I am blindfolded, and gagged, but he doesn’t bind me. I stand against the wall, hands out, back arched…the beating starts. It’s heavy, it’s light, he’s near, he’s far, I am trying to breath right when he does I get to hear his coo “good boy” in my ear. Suddenly I am in my head (shit) and there is this sadness in me this deep fucking well of stuff I just never dealt with. Dad E. once asked me after a big thigh beating scene “how deep is that well boy? When are you gonna let it over flow”. He was trying to make me cry and I just couldn’t…but now I guess I can. Let’s make a list: My parents; I am not close with them, they haven’t accepted me as I am. My friends; I don’t feel like I am being honest with them, this part of my life is so secretive. S/M 1: I keep feeling like if I just do enough of it, I can be done with it, like it will wash from me if I just keep scrubbing. S/M 2: Submission, I don’t want to enjoy being one, I want to be above that (I know its not about above, but damn it, it feels like it.) S/m 3: “Am I trying to rebuild a part of my childhood through s/m?” Relationships: I don’t let people get close to me, I don’t like people knowing me, I am scared they won’t like me once they do. Lonely: I feel lonely, I have ever since I started this path, but I admit I always have. Before this path I felt lonely because I was gay. And now I just want my generation to catch up. I want to feel closed to people but I just am not getting there as fast as I want to Childhood: I am still angry, and I am still growing out of it. So all this is running threw me. And I start to sniffle, that’s not new… I can control that. Then the well inside me feels deeper…and suddenly I am drowning in it. Swallowed up, and I can hear tool in the background…the lyrics to my favorite song come on I hear the lyrics “this hole inside me…reminds me that I am not alone…reminds me that this pain is an illusion”. It’s true isn’t it? This pain we hold inside tells us that if we just ignore long enough it will go away…that we are fine, that we are okay. And you are…for the most part, but it’s inside you. So I start crying, start bawling, weak knees, shaky hands. I am ashamed to admit it, but I though that if I could hold out for like 2 more minutes I could stop it. Just brush the tears away when the blindfold came of and say “allergies.” I didn’t want him to know, nor Daddybear…I tried holding my breath (it’s how I made it stop when I was younger)…big error, the next flow comes and I am done. The sob comes back…I keep thinking I can hold out…but suddenly Daddybear is there. He’s holding me, I can’t stop it ( I am sort of getting misty as I type this). I just burst, crying, sobbing practically collapsing. They move me to the bedroom…and I need them. I need Sir, I need Daddybear I need them close. G*d all I wanted was to curl up and die, it feels like this shameful act…Sir and Daddybear tell me it’s not (everyone tells me it’s not), it still feels like one. But I need them there. Sir holds me while cry, Daddybear asks why…I give jargon about my life (I can’t really remember what I said). So I try again to stop it, I fail…but slowly I come around. Sir tells me how hot that made Daddybear (and to be honest: that’s a really nice thing to know). But post Scene… I know I have this thing inside me. It’s scary, but I think I am finally letting go. I am going to be kinky forever. I like being submissive. And I want people closer to me. The rest of the night is a blur, but we did watch family guy.
Night one, Day and night 2,
Friday night So we ate dinner, I cleaned up and then we played a bit (I am shortening it, I need to get this all out of me). The play was amazing, Sir have me mummified, blindfolded, and started dripping hot wax on my nipples. I can’t take a lot. Then a friend of Sir and Daddybear’s come over. He offers to beat my balls, they let him. It was weird, fun, cool. We then hit up the RAMROD (Boston’s leather bar) Sir and Daddybear had me on a leash it was this massive turn on to be on the end of it. We met some nice guys and I got some winks. To be honest though, I was happy to be leaving with the men I came in with. After our ride home, and we all get into bed together (I am not sure if it was because I was good, or “other”). Normally their boys sleep on the floor. So then Sir takes me in the bathroom to take his piss (yuck I hate piss, but trying to get better). And we are standing the shower, the room is totally dark, we take a hot shower together. As an added bonus, Daddybear and I kiss for the first time, man he kisses good, hands in the right places, his warm body pressed up against you…just nice. Sir kisses great too, his tongue overtakes your mouth and you feel like he might consume you, which is kinda what I want him to do (and spit me out into Daddybear). Eventually I wind up with my ass in the air begging for Sir to not plug me (I hate plugs, it juist hurts) but to fuck me. He keeps trying with plug for a bit, but my ass just isn’t cooperating. I am still begging for him to fuck me, for Daddybear to fuck me. Sir asks Daddybear to shut me up…Daddybear starts kissing me. I am turned on out of my mind at this point. Sir still can’t get the plug in (did I mention I hate the plug?). I am hoping he will just fuck me…nope. It’s bed time. Saturday It’s a lazy day of sorts, I get to sleep in an extra three hours. I was so turned on just being next to Daddybear post ass fun, that sleep did not come easy. So I sleep in (missing cartoons with Sir ), when Sir, gets me up I head over to Daddybear’s work, I study while he completes some spillover tasks. Every now and then he’ll wink at me and my thoughts are mixed with statistical mathematics and the ponderment if I could fit under his desk well enough to lick his balls. Daddybear and I finish our respective work, we head back to the apartment. We have to get ready for a play that Sir and Daddybear want to see with some friends. It’s amazing to me that they trust me enough to introduce me to their friends. In truth the evening was kind of hard for me. I felt like an outsider, both of them were nice (Sir and Daddybear’s friends) and I enjoyed the time. But g*d…please don’t take me to a play. I mean sitting to watch a show is kind of hard for me. Especially a production like the one we saw. But I digress…we get home. Daddybear does electro with me, and some fire play. Fun! He shocked my ass, and my balls, then set one of my nipples a flame. The annoying part is that they kept blindfolding me. Thinking about each scene now I have begun to realize I don’t like that as much. I want to see the faces. But that’s more a control aspect than anything. With me and pain I can’t take a whole lot…but, give me 15 minutes and I am set for something new…the back was hit? Lets do the feet! That’s how I am with scenes. I can do it. Playing with the two of them though…they stop when my body tells them…which means I lose the control of even ending the scene. I am not worried about getting killed or anything…more that it seems that the scenes end like 4 shocks two soon. I am left craving more. But it was still great; Sir helped me work on my breathing (which I suck at). It was an experience. Post scene we slept together again, Daddybear wrapped his arms around me for a bit (before rolling back over and holding Sir). They look so hot together, if they make porn I am buying, and watching.
Tuesday, December 16, 2003
Day 1, mostly
Okay, so where was i? Oh right! So I greet Daddybear. I think we hugged (no kiss). They hand me a list of things to do and tell me to get naked. Sir has me in the bathroom, he turns on the cold shower (I HATE COLD SHOWERS). He does this for two reasons, one he wants my cock to soften to fit a “curve” (male chastity device) over it. Secondly, he is a sadist. The cold shower doesn’t work…so I am shivering, Sir calls Daddybear to bring ice cubes in a bowl. The cold water is still hitting me, Sir puts my balls in ice water… g*d it sucked, but even as I was in it, I was just thinking how hot it was. My hardon subsided enough to let Sir push my cock (painfully) into cage. It’s only 8:30 am Okay, so then I get to the tasks. Clean the house. I sucked, sucked, sucked. Well I mean I did as I was told and I vacuum okay, but the bathroom and the cooking were things I just don’t know how to do. I made a sloppy eggplant parmesan and poorly cooked bacon (I am a jew, the bacon is forgivable). They didn’t punish me, they weren’t upset. But I really wanted to have them come home and be like “WOW!” After the cleaning and the chores I waited by the door (boots, jock). Daddybear Came home first which was nice as I got to hump his leg a bit (I hadn’t cum in 8 days at that point, it’s forgivable). Sir was home next and I repeated the head down by the door thing. It was nice, hell the whole day was nice. I mean I was freaking out that I didn’t clean properly, but I found out it was okay. But waiting there like a puppy for them to come home was nice. More tomorrow!
Sunday, December 14, 2003
fuck
Well, who the fuck am I? So last night, was amazing. Damn. This sounds foolish, but I was hoping to not enjoy this scene this much. I mean I was hoping to enjoy. But…well let my describe my arrival and such I show up at 8:10 yesterday morning. I am groggy, sleepy, tired and of course, hard, very hard. I pause outside Sir’s apartment building, taking a moment to be sure. Before I take the first step up his stairs, the front door opens “what are you waiting for boy?” Damn, he has the drop on me already. I follow him up the stairs, just taking in his body. I get up the apartment, and greet Daddybear. any way i will write more. They are having me study, the 2.5 hours is up, but i need to get the concept down.
Saturday, December 13, 2003
Friday, December 12, 2003
Boston Ho!
Okay I am on the bus. I am SO excited my head may implode. I have been ordered to sleep on the bus (they assure me my day will be busy). So I am going to have to go nappy soon. I need to contact Garchomp and see him next week. This scene scares me, in that I want it so much. It’s funny, I mean I found s/m so easy to slip into. But desiring control over me, to be a boy, to have orders, to submit, well….it’s not as easy. Sir tells me that when I get there they will own me…”every inch.” I hope I he proves it, I hope I feel it. I am a pushy skeptical bottom. But this scene should be good.
Wednesday, December 10, 2003
fuck me.
I am in well over my head i think. This is a turn on. Sir told me that crying wouldn't end the scene. I have never cried in a scene. but i am spending Thursday to Sunday as a boy. I will be totally submissive. This might snap me. What if i say something stupid? What if i do something foolish? What if i hate it? Worse What if i really like it? It sucks being a boy, i couldn't cum, there would be permission to ask. Play would be limited. But then i read over my blog...and truthfully. it may be what i need. I get hot at the idea of a firm hand on me, "you can't cum unless you get an A" "you can't fuck him you played yesterday" "oh sure, you can use my boy" "clean the boots, then i will fuck you" "no boy, you can't cum tonight" "you were such a good boy tonight, you impressed Sir" "beg for it boy" “the scene ends when I decide, not when you decide” “Sure you can top him boy, but you just remember who let you” “your mine (ours) boy” These are a mere sample of the many phrases that would frustrate and turn me on. Frus-turn me Yeah, i want it, i want it hardcore. I have always wanted it, hoped for it. It's happening, i am going to experience it. I told him i didn't like drinking piss, he told me anything that is not a limit, he will decide if i do something or not. And promised I would be drinking a lot of "hot, steaming piss" Not that there aren’t barriers. I mean as far as boy goes, I am honest, intelligent, good with pain, and I am sometimes caring. But, I am not amazing with s/m, I tend to have a disrespectful streak, I am not a background person, I like talking, I am very much independent. I like playing around a lot. And for me, long term cum denial means a week. So, where does that put me? It puts me where I am I guess. I am exploring. I hope this weekend brings me insights. I hope I don’t crush on them. I hope if I do they crush on me a little too. I hope I impress. I hope I get at least one answer with all the inevitable questions. Please future Sir, be gentle, the flesh is strong and willing, the mind is sharp...but the heart is weak and malformed at times.
Tuesday, December 09, 2003
Moving on.
I just sent in my ap to depaul... i still need to get my transcripts, recomendation. But i am so entrenched in NYC it strange to really be thinking about moving to Chicago for school. Sigh... BIG SCENE comming up. Hot play last night, he choked me...i am into him.
Monday, December 08, 2003
Apology
I should send an apology...i would do it tonight, but i think tommorow would be better. hehe, send "i am sorry" at like 2 am tommorow. that would be funny... bad joey. bad. Okay i need to send one. But i wonder. would the scene have happened with out the text message? or was is a convient excuse...i did kinda gush about it (and him "relationship chemo)...might of scared him. so two things to do tommorow 1) apologize 2) wake up at 9 am
bad things
Sleeplessness :) so, there are 4 of us in a room...we start sending text messages at 3 am. bad move. really good outcome. Specs recinded the offer of the no limit scene (3 am text messages can do that). But i am not upset. but, really relieved. god, there are so many wierd social hurdles, and so many more fumbles i am gonna pull. it's not that they are further in life...they are are further in devolpment. I still feel so awkward sometimes. i get so nervous, i get mousy, like my words might just cause a cataclism. Thats it, thats all it is. Sigh...lost my wallet, ticked off Sir, and really pissed off specs...thats three bad things. So that covers the base right? they come in three and then your done. Meanwhile, i think i have 3 very good friends. nearly 4 am. i have math tommorow Sleeplessness :)
Sunday, December 07, 2003
how to be a good underage drinker
Fever Rat give you the 411 on how to sneak into a bar. 1)First, get a fake id. Fake id’s are easy to obtain through many methods… a) older people whom you know (brothers, sisters, older friends, your friends brothers). b) People you have hooked up with/ think your cute. At some point, you will get hit on outside a bar, or you will meet someone from the net who you could sort of pass for (gay bars are not known for stringent standards, look like means your hair matches). Ask them for it, offer money, most will sympathize. c) computer science majors. They know how to work photoshop, and they might enjoy the challenge. d)tattoo parlors, notorious for seedy work, ask someone there, dress down, and hold out. “we heard you make fake ids” go in groups of two or less. I personally recommend just asking anyone who seems cool. You know how peer pressure works? Same idea, if they want you to drink, then they are going to know how to get beer. Not that the fake should be used to the attaining of beer often. A fake id should be used it for a night out, like a free pass to a club is used. But straight beer purchase cheapens the experience 2) Don’t sleep with anyone who works for the bar, knows to many people at the bar, or is a frequent bar attendee. You are there illegally (stupid laws), and as such, some people might like to not have a 16, 17, 18,19, or 20 y/o in the bar. So getting to know the help is not a good plan here. They may think your cute at 24, but at 18, you’re a threat to their job. Kissing is as far as it can go, and don’t let it get that far unless you don’t go there often. 3) Remember you are your id. Know your age, birthday, home town, why you don’t live there. You have to have reasons. I used to live on 102 valley road in Princeton NJ, but I moved last year when I decided to go to grad school here in nyc. 4)Your age is not the first thing you discuss When someone asks your age, you don’t have to tell them it. Most people don’t want to tell theirs either, so simply say “young”. Unless your in a twink bar, then feel free to simply respond with a sneer, and say “ask me what you really want.” You can use your real name, because you don’t want another one floating around. If you go home with him, then you need to inform him. But otherwise, youthful for your age is fine. 5) Take responsiblility. Don’t drink a lot, again fake id’s are for a good night with friends or too sleep around. I got mine because all my friends were getting into clubbing. I use it a lot now cause bars are were most of my new friends hang (oh yeah, and I sleep around a bit). 6) don’t travel with losers Losers are people who drink a lot at a bar, who get plastered, who get into fight, who do drugs, whom you have to apologize for. If you have to say sorry for friend more than twice, they can no longer come out with you. If you feel dragged down by them (they don’t talk to strangers, they feel uncomfortable in bars). Then don’t bring them. We all have whiny friends, and people who could benefit from this site, we love them. Losers, drama queens, druggies, and nerds are very nice people to have around for certain events (life needs excitement like that, and nerds are there for Saturday nights when you want to see movies). But when you go out to a bar, Socially inept are a liability. It’s cruel, but such is the way of the world. The last one is a general rule in my book. It is an important think of who is okay for what kind of night. I am not someone you bring when you want to impress your parents. I don’t do well with museum trips, I am not a good person to bring to a lecture. But if my friends throw a party, or there is a cool club, or a shopping trip planned (yeah I like shopping, I am gay)… I am there. Thems the rules…basically, if you want to go to bar, do it because you want to go out and chill some place with friends, possibly meet some new ones. Not because you plan to get wasted and don’t want you mom to know. That can part of it, but it should never be the whole of it.
Saturday, December 06, 2003
he is not your peer
I am speaking with Sir and Daddybear… Sir was reading my blog about the car accident… He believes I lied to him…I told him I hit a poll, but tagging on “at least that’s what I will tell the parents.” So…did I lie? Well…maybe. I guess I sort of treated him like one would a peer. Not what I am supposed to do. Full honesty, total honesty would dictate that I say “I was hit by a cab, but I am telling my parents that it was poll” It’s murky. But I think I am in the wrong, and that sucks. I think it’s these moments that help explain why beign close to people sucks. Cuase you give them the power to make you feel great, but you also give them the power to make you feel bad. Mind you, if it’s a good relationship, the good to bad ratio is something like 4 to 1 or better
The terrible no good very bad night
Ugh…. So tomorrow I will write a blog about how to be a teen in a bar. Tonight I broke the cardinal rule, Which is to sleep with a bartender or other bar aficionado.. one of the guys at the bar has seen my online pics (the profile tells my age) and put two and two together…so I was asked to leave. It SUCKS…but I perserver…I will check with D.Reck and see that things are cool before I hit the eagle again…I will blog on this better tomorrow. Mean time I need to make TMP work.. it’s on for the 19th, lets keep our fingers cross
Friday, December 05, 2003
La LA la la la LA (smurfs theme)h
It’s snowing outside…TMP may not happen , but I am thinking about old times. In the worse times (4-6 years ago), me and my friends would pick suicide songs. Not that we were planning to kill ourselves, but you just had this helpless feeling…When you’re a kid no one listens to you. It’s worse for the one’s like me. Not the smart kids, but the kids who are aware. The one’s who read the news paper, see the bad shit in the world. It was always this fantasy we all shared. Kill yourself, then watch your parents cry and say how wrong they were. But we always came to the same conclusion, that it wouldn’t be worth it because you couldn’t see them repent. So that was my group, a bunch of sully kids who saw the world for what it was back then. This evil place of wars, poverty, death, and the rich who screwed everyone over. Couple that with fact that we were the children of the wealthy (my family benefited from the bush tax cuts). And you have some things to be bitter about… Not sure why I thought of this today… just something reminded me I suppose. It’s weird, but those talks are good memory. I suppose cause they were these moments of supreme honesty. Like admitting some horrible secret, it just felt great. Then to be accepted for it was great too. I get that in S/m sometimes, but it’s not exactly the same. The hushed silence as we spoke, the nervous listening.. it was just so, so, cool! I picked the smurf theme, just cause I like the image. And then envisioned subsequent lawsuits. So I cancelled TMP the snow is too much but it will come again. I am going to make sure of that. This thing with Specs has got me researching his past. It’s kinda cool, I feel like a spy. Delving into what I can. I have a lot of time, but this is going to be a fun side project. We will see if it happens.
Un original
am i so unoriginal as to be figured out that easily? Yeah, probably. I am new, so i don't know a lot of whats been done before, but i know people who do. Specs and i made another deal. If i can get him kidnapped, he will release me from my promise. I knew the offer would work, essentially i offered to get him laid, and he will let me out of my promise if i do. "when reason fails, go for the balls" I can't cum until i see SIR and Daddybear next week. this is gonna be tough.
Wednesday, December 03, 2003
Special K
Just off the phone with special K, he astounds, he amazes, and i see why people like him. But more importantly, i know at some point i get to see him up close. Odd, I think I know so much sometimes (I know I don't), then bam, i feel like I know nothing. Love it when that happens, when just for a second my world flips and doesn't make sense. Special K did that today, so I thank him for it, he connected the dots from my blog, and my e-mail, and instant message, and followed them right to people. Scary, fun. Hot? thought to ponder, there is a reason why he knows that many people, and in turn, why they know him. -joey
the essay
The below post was handed into my english teacher. as is...hope y'all like it. feel free to disagree I am very open to discusion, or skip it. anyway, you can hit me up here my e-mail
My ESSAY!
Lots of posts tonight this is why:
I like anal ( 2 weeks to boston)
I am getting into Garchomp. I want him, bad. He is so pretty, and smart. Not book smart, but emotional smart, he holds me when I need it. He dildo fucked me yesterday, which is new…and amazing… towards the end I was bucking into it screaming for release (I got it, got it all over him too). And now…I worry. Anal sex is like my last frontier. I have never done it, I never found a real joy in it. I liked a finger, maybe two, liked that feeling of hand resting there, but in my hole, no thanks…then yesterday…BAM, I wanted him in me, I want it in me. I am not yet a sexual compulsive, but I am close. If it feels good…do it, if it don’t feel good, do it anyway. Try it till you like it. These are my guides for sex. So with anal, I would always respond “I don’t fuck casually” or “it’s intimate” meaning, I don’t do it, cause I don’t like it…but now… I like it. Damn. It’s scary, it’s HIV possible in a way that oral isn’t that J/o isn’t that spanking isn’t that bruising isn’t. It’s SCARY. So here is my confession. I am afraid of HIV, I am scared of that road, I am scared of getting it. It’s prominent, and I am young, and in a community that has a lot of it. Condoms break. It’s not safe sex, it’s safer sex. I think I just need to keep my policy…I won’t fuck casually. I will be willing to give up possible pleasure to keep it. That doesn’t mean I won’t play with HIV + guys, or not get fucked by them…I am just going hold out until I care about a guy. It doesn’t seem hard…does it? But caring is hard, and so is self denial. We shall see. Do me a favor people (and I can say that with confidence counter at 169, so at least 2 people read this) if I start saying I “I had anal sex with this man, and anal sex with this one” drop me an e-mail telling me I am a moron.
I hit a poll (so the rents think)
Nothing makes you feel more like a child than a traffic accident. You can’t do anything about it, and then for the next couple days, you have this huge thing to explain. So I got hit by a cab. I was pulling out quickly, and got smacked. I am fine, the car is fine (except for some cosmetic stuff). So I told my parents I hit a poll (in the grand scheme, me hitting something is better than being hit by something). So no insurance company involved, just me working hard to afford to pay it back. No drive up to Boston, I get on a bus. But my fear, my real fear, is that they will take it from me. This privilege I have, that I will be forced back into the dark ages, the pre driving ages. The one’s were I walked places, and couldn’t get a job too far away. It makes me shiver. Pray for me.
Monday, December 01, 2003
Dinner and a slut
Before I begin, Girlfag reads this! Warm fuzzies, She is sooo smart, and soooo cool (judging from blogs), had she a penis, I would make lewd offers. Back to the rant: It’s strange isn’t it? We have all these friendships, these people we know from screenames. They become real when we do things for them. I bought a book at Special k’s recommendation. I haven’t had a haircut in over a month in prep for my visit with Daddybear and SIR. These connections feel real, and we make them that way, when both parties are honest. But it’s still strange, some of my friends I haven’t met. I had dinner and a bar with Daddybear and SIR. Gosh, it was amazing, fun, cool. I am fantasizing about them. First we had dinner, which was supposed to be the end of it. They asked if I would be okay with waiting in the city… I hit up my dorms, and veged with tv, and college buds, for a couple hours. Then I bounce out to the eagle. I haven’t been there in a bit, so I kiss and makeup with Derek (a bar worker I set a flame). I then take my place by SIR and DaddyBear standing near them. When Daddybear goes outside to smoke, I ask to follow. We talk (most of my contact has been with SIR, so talking to Daddybear was nice). He discussed this leatherboy (human woman) that SIR and he play with, how she eats ash. The discussion made me want to try it. I did, it was cool, salty, weird taste, I swigged Daddybear’s beer to wash it from my mouth. Later we went to the upper floor of the eagle it was nice, and I saw leather, but I knew most of them wouldn’t know what flogger was. But more to the point, I was content with the two men I was with. It was a nice feeling. They smell good too. SIR tastes good, (Daddybear wouldn’t let me). I got comfortable, too comfortable, and talk to one of his friends in a way that is inappropriate for a boy. So SIR is a peeved at me for that, I have to prove myself. But I feel like I have a ways to go. Which is an odd feeling for me. But I am excited. Oh! Play with Garchomp tomorrow, (my ass is to be squeaky clean). I had to jerk off twice today as the mere though of him get me hard. Knowing these 3 people may one day prove interesting as at some point, you have to pick from them. Or do I? I am jumping the gun, we shall see how it all flows.
