BLAH!
Friday, April 30, 2004
mmmmm..sleep
Okay, So I slept like 13 hours today. It was great, but I got a point for not sending my schedule off, which sucks. Man I have been lazy today. I did some studying, and have gotten a lot of homework done, but in terms of productive time spent I don’t think I could claim that. I miss my Sirs, I can’t wait to see them, and if I am doing well in school then all the better. God I hope I make all A’s That would be SO cool. Yesterday was…pretty fun to! Me and DexSir hit a park. One the Hudson river park projects It was nice out so I spent the time going over some notes from class and staring at the sky. Okay, 15 minutes doing this post and I need to get back to work! Who are all those people?
Thursday, April 29, 2004
Music
I just downloaded kill bill songs…. MMMMMMMMMM I feel like I am carrying a hand gun, but with the out the fear that I will shoot my foot. Doooo dooo DAH! “There’re not 88 of them, they just call themselves that” “Then, why do they call themselves the crazy 88s?” “Don’t know, they probably think it sounds cool” and who could forget? “You call that begging? I’ll make you beg.” It almost makes me wants to buy a gun, learn how to sword fight, and wield a metal ball on the end of chain. Then form an elite assassination team and attempt to conquer the Tokyo crime-underworld. Almost. Can we tell finals are upon us? College would be so much cooler if it were directed by Quentin Tarantino Who are all those people?
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Tattoo you
Sirs say that they are going to “something” with me in the whole tattoo/pierce department. Sir is partial to nose rings…the kind that bulls have. That might mean I would have a septum piercing, which is a hot thought. Even hotter is the fact that Sir likes them and that means that he would like me having one…and I would have a new thing to fiddle with in class. Oh! And I could hang stuff from it! That would be so COOL! There is also talk of Nipple rings! Picture my nipples pierced! Sparkling, jingling nipples. Hehe, that would be so cool! And they would be fun to play with! I could get those little barbells and use words like “gage” and such in reference to my nipples. And then there is my want. A tattoo. A lovely picture upon my flesh. Something I could look at later on in life and think back on my twenties. Rubbing it as I do so. Sue has book of drawings and some of them are really cool One is this image of a tombstone and the phrase “someone important who is now forgotten” on the tombstone Another is this cool lawn gnome I would love that on my body, but I want something more personal. I am told that one needs to go with things based on personal experience. I want a star. Stars are all over my life. My last name is means Star in german. Cause our people were actors or some such crap… My collar had a star on it, The first collar I wore for my Sirs had a star on it, I am jewish (sort of) all about stars there (though this would be 5 point, I hope) A fucking awesome star; with the caption “I want to believe” underneath it. HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE? But the coolest part about all of this? Sir and Daddybear are going to pick. They will choose anything get is increased to a full level turn on with that fact. Plus, I can be sure that it will be me. Cause they know, better than I know myself in some ways. Meanwhile I argued with Sir tonight. I won’t go into the argument, not important. And it’s resolved amicably. But it’s funny, I hate to argue with them, and I LOVE TO ARGUE. So we worked out a way for me to voice my concerns. And the best part? I know He’ll listen. Sigh, I love them Who are all those people?
Another weekend in boston
Sigh, I love them. And it’s so easy to do that. I hate how easy it is sometimes. And I hate myself for hating that. School is over in a week, and I am excited/nervous for the summer. Life is changing, and this change is new. Normally it’s me doing something. This time it’s change I can’t control. I don’t have the money to keep the lifestyle I want, boooo!!!! Mostly I find myself biter with the world. I am a member of the middle-class poor. The parents make too much to get financial aide, but too little for them to give me the free ride. I better get trip to Europe after college this boy needs to back-pack at some point So, the weekend? I got in on Thursday night around 10:00 the rubbed my head, I cooed. We watched TV for a bit It’s all sort of a blur. But here are the highlights: Doing the tiniest bit of puppy fun (not play, it wasn’t that serious) with Sir and Daddybear, watching them get hard. FINALLY Rubbing (licking, getting fucked, tasting, kissing) another man (yeah, I’m an addict) Hearing Sir use the L-word Laying in-between Sir and Daddybear even if it’s just for five minutes I may have to go on Dildo training again unless I can start taking cock longer, which would suck, but HOW FUCKING HOT IS THAT? that he can say that I mean Talking with Bboy and dishing gossip. Freaking out over small things, and getting that that’s just part of being me. Becoming calmed down, just cause I talked to Daddybear. Realizing that’s part of me too Smelling my teddy-bear (a friend of Sir and Daddybear got me one for helping him) after they had slept with it for the weekend. SIGH…I love them so much…. And I love my Kya too Kya and I talked about masturbation and how I’m not allowed to before I see me Sirs… Kya then says “I think I would die” because she, apparently, masturbates “whenever I have more than an hour free” It’s those disturbing talks that remind me why we’re such good friends. I slept with the bear last night, my collar on. Sigh….dreamy goodness “everyone has a reason for me, except me” Who are all those people?
Friday, April 23, 2004
Miscellaneous thoughts
I've been with my Sirs a whole season. That’s kind of crazy, but definitely cool. Sometimes my life can feel very porn-like. 2 men who come into a young boy’s life take him in, teach him, show him, and of course play with him. Registering for classes SUCKS. Hopefully next year will be better, I will be a sophomore, and I will have really good grades, which means I will be able to register on the first or second day of registration. Therapy was insane yesterday. I am sort of reeling from it a bit and adjusting things in my head. He says that s/m is largely a healing a process. Which sort of goes with my theory that sex is a lot less about procreation than it is about feeling good. So lets face it, I have a terrible relationship with my parents. Not placing blame on either party, but it’s there. So, I seek out father figures when I pick a bed to lay in. And in turn, father figures seek boys like me out for the same idea. Healing. My therapist calls it my psyches desire to fix the childhood. In a way, I am re-creating it. So…that should suck right? Well… no. It’s apparently healthy (note the absence of normal). And more over, it’s working out. Now, let me be clear. It’s wierding as all fuck to hear “your picking father figures because of your relationship with your own” but it’s deal-able. More over, my therapist says that a lot of people my age hate being uncertain. He says I might consider asking myself why it matters. I’m noticing I have this worry, this consistent, minor, worry that I’ll regret all this. Not in a way that this is bad…in the way that this might one day haunt me. He says I should learn to give myself permission to be wrong. But I don’t want to ever regret this. See, it’s not totally porn like…Mr. Benson’s boy never went to therapy.
Thursday, April 22, 2004
Nick Names
Christ all mighty, I have too many nick names… I’ll be adding to this, but here are the basics SIRS: The combination of SIR and Daddybear they’ve been together 8 years now. SIR: Began speaking with him back in September (online), the first man to ever fuck me. Controlling, insightful, and demanding, all because he cares DADDYBEAR: SIR’s partner and my other Sir. The second man to fuck me. He likes things in their place, cuddly, and a big heart, and a protective owner. DAD E: The first man to really make an attempt at teaching me. Patient and thoughtful, continues to be an amazing source inspiration. KIN: A skinhead who is quickly becoming a friend of mine, English major with a desire to be a journalist, great writer. CONC: A friend of mine, met him online in july ’03. We’ve hung out over the past year, a cool kid. SPECIAL K: Internet friend, great resource for miscellaneous questions that have come up. KYA: A close college friend, the violent, intelligent, new-age child of hippies. SUE: Met her in the beginning of the year, vastly sluty, and consistently deep, she knits scarves, and on occasion uses the needles in naughty ways. BADF: Dad E.’s boy/ top in training. Big, burly, and intense. KIDHOP/cricket: A Fellow TNG’er. I’ve wrestled him on canal street, Tophilosopher: Smart, driven, young, top in NYC he likes egg creams. GIRLFAG: How do I describe her? GirlFag is… just…damn cool ALLI: My best friend, one of the first people I came out to. She has helped me through some tough times. ROOMIE: A man from Kansas, moving to manhattan…mmm I smell sitcom. BBro: Sir and Daddybear’s other boy, and my official leather brother. DexSir: The man I played with this past Saturday, he likes spandex get it? Hehe I am SOOO clever ENGE: cute, fun, the bastard needs to graduate college, and take his masters in manhattan. GET OUT OF CONNECTICUT! GARCHOMP: Man I met back in October, played twice. Really nice fellow. SPECS: yeah…. VJ/OWNER: my ex-pornstar ex- boyfriend, haven’t spoken with him in awhile, and really not planning on it.
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
Pride full.
Apathy is the greatest enemy to this world. Not caring is one of the most hideous ways for a person to be. And there is so much of it at this school. It fills our halls. It’s just so counter-productive. Insulting the system without making an effort to change things is just foolish. Just as foolish as defending a broken one, simply as it’s “the only one we got.” All good change is slow, it may feel sudden, but I believe that lasting, good change takes time. I ran for a student government position, I will win since no one is running against me. I was kind of excited for the possibility of someone to run against. Oh well, resume-ville has another resident. Sigh, the problem is, I want to change things. But when you bring up things, your met with oppositional pessimism. “Lets try this” “It won’t work, but yeah, we can try that” sigh…. OH MY GOD!!!! I saw kill bill last night. it was fucking amazing. Less gory death, but I am okay with that…I can’t wait for him to fuse the two movies. Sigh… As punishment for my failure to call my Sirs post scene, there will be no playing for me for the next two week (except my Sirs) It’s going to be tough I’ll do it, but I don’t have to like it. OH and only one day till I see my SIRS!
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Holy Shit
Ever get that feeling? The “OH MY GOD THIS IS MY LIFE AND IT’S ACTUALLY REAL” that when you realize something you’ve known forever? When you realized you could drive, just holding your license and remembering that you could drive? Or when you figured out just how much you like sex? Or when you discovered how much like control? It’s a feeling of Joy and fear. It’s acknowledging a scary truth that frees you to explore it in your head. It’s exciting as all fuck. That’s The Holy Shit feeling. These are things you’ve always known, just never accepted, or maybe you just never had enough time to breath and, you know… “get it” That’s this weekend, that was last night. I love bruises….HOLY SHIT I LOVE control…HOLY SHIT I am Totally a kinkster…HOLY SHIT I have Sirs…HOLY SHIT I am totally willing to be putty in their hands….HOLY SHIT I’m being trained as a old guard boy…HOLY SHIT They really like me…Holy Fuck. I think I’m in a relationship. I’ve been kind of neglecting the blog, been using the journal Sir and Daddybear bought me. Gosh there is so much to type. Okay, lets start with this guy I met, he’s a friend of Bad F. and I am finding him to be a very cool kid to hang with. He’s 21, skinhead (not the bad kind) and while I wouldn’t say he is just getting into all of this, he just getting into the 2nd layer. He is starting to meet the real players and starting to really get to playing (read: he is being a slut, WOOHOO). We shall be calling him Kin, Anyway, Kin and I are sleeping in the same bed it seems. We have similar taste in men, and though our looks differ (he is a skinny-nerdy cute) we seem to both play in the same waters. I have recommended Garchomp to him, he is going to play Specs (which I will admit to a tinge of jealousy over). But more over, we click personality wise, it’s a new experience for me. We went to the park this Saturday, hung out, discussed the merits of getting raped under a bridge, and switched over to talk of NYC as the center of the universe and then back to the New York Music scene which he reviews (he is a journalism major). And we made up a new term…Double-O: something that’s really cool. Saturday was just amazing. Central park, a new friend, a nice bar, and some great play. Problem is, Sunday morning was one of the worst Sunday mornings ever. You see, the play ended at 12:50 so that’s Sunday morning. After I play with another Top or Sir, or what have you, I am to call my Sirs and tell them everything went well (or if it didn’t I should tell them that too) and that I am safe. This is what this boy is supposed to do. This boy didn’t do that. This boy figured he could catch the W train and be at the Bar with friends in 5 minutes…so he didn’t leave a message with his Sirs. He hung up his phone and ran for the subway…guess what happened? This boy fucked up. This boy hates fucking up. Sir and Daddybear say that I’ve been slipping since my birthday. I suppose that’s true, I’ve been doing well in school, but I’ve been neglecting my duties to my Sirs. I’m getting something at the moment…it’s all feeling kind of un-real, and yet really real. It’s like, I really want to be controlled. I love their presence in my life. They don’t make obstacles, but they do close off the easier path. Am I okay with that? I feel better than I did months ago. More confident, and I’m not sure why. I have a 95 average for all my classes. My lowest grade is an A-, and nothing feels more like home then my weekends with them. Which terrifies me on some levels. I mean, I’m pretty sure I trust them; I’ve never doubted that they have anything but my best interests at heart. It’s kind of like putting faith in a higher power I suppose. When you accept the belief in G*d, you accept that you are not the most knowledgeable person in existence. You also (depending on religions) have to accept that you may not know what’s best for you on some levels. I’m a bit naive I suppose, just in-experience, but I also have to learn some lessons twice…okay a lot of lessons twice. I just can’t believe I fucked up that way. I hate messing up the simple things. So they are tightening their grip a bit. No play for two weeks (just with others, thank g*d, I don’t think I could stand being at their place and not being able to touch them). I am to run the books I am reading by them, and I will be reading one s/m book a month. Sir says, “as you get better, we will raise the bar” which at first feels daunting. But at the same time is comforting. Like someone telling you to work harder you know they believe in you. And they know me. I think they really know me. So when they say “work harder”, or “do better” or what have you it’s cause they know I can. Still, one has to fear the limit, they want more control I’ll give it to them. I like obeying them. The weird thing is, it doesn’t just feel good, it feels right. Like it’s meant to be that way. Not that I wake up every morning thinking (mock voice) “thank you Sirs for making me go to bed at 1 am on the weekdays” Sometimes it really sucks to go to bed early (1am is early, I swear). But it feels like it’s something I’m supposed to be doing. So that’s the strange part, I want to please them, and as of yet, all the commands, the rules, the feel right. So where’s the bottom? What happens when there comes a command that I won’t agree to? I suppose we talk about it, and all things work out. I’ve resisted a couple of them, but they always get their way (which is really hot). However, my resistance to those commands wasn’t anything heavy, except in the very beginning with the whole “don’t drink vodka and scope” thing. Which, again I agreed to eventually. What if there isn’t a bottom to that submission? What if its just a slow process? I know I’m more willing to do things now than I was 2 months ago. Does that just continue? What about switching? At some point, some bottoms become tops, do they stop submitting? I have a paper to send off to my Sirs tonight (it’s due Thursday so I am supposed to send them off 2 days before the teacher wants them). They come first, that’s the truth. It still feels so real and that makes me feel more real I suppose. More authentically me, so I want to be their good boy. Make them proud, and be sure they get a good return on their property. *Sigh* I’m hard and I’m not allowed to cum…that’s totally double-oh
Friday, April 16, 2004
OH!
Soon i will have been doing this a for a year... so i plan to do the following blogs "what i've learned this year" "key moments" "men i've played with" this last one is more just cause i was thinking about the tally, and this is a good way to find out... but i am sort of lazy...so if someone would send me the final count, i would be really appreciative. otherwise i'm scrapping it... "tally of men" geez i need sleep...mmmmm....collar round neck been wearing it since 8:00
What the heck… I am fairly certain I am crazy. Badfaggot has this blog night thing coming up, and it required me to review all my writings. And, well, I am a fucking lunatic. It astounds me that people continue to talk with me after reading this. It flabbergasts me that Specs even acknowledges my existence after reading this. It contents me that people play with me after reading some of this stuff. So why do they? Maybe everyone’s a lunatic? Maybe it’s that everyone gets that a large part of my ranting is just drivel? Or maybe…just maybe…everyone else obsesses over this crap…maybe we all get crushes when a cute guy kisses us? Maybe we all get misty when we that same guy flogs us or some other form of physical thing? Is it possible that I will be like this at 30? Writing something like “So I met this guy…” Or I could be bitter, bitter might be fun too, but maybe I’m just doomed to be a massive lunatic, in love one day, and worried the next. On the plus side, I’m a mostly happy lunatic. and I have some really nice days. So, maybe my lunacy has lead me to a happy place? But who wouldn’t be happy with padded walls? So I am proud to announce that there will no longer be any of that bothersome teenage bullshit that I keep reading through on this blog. It will now be Twentysomething bullshit. Anyway… I’m getting to this strange realization. I was out at the bar tonight (I will later explain why I will no long attempt to sleep around via the eagle). And I run into TCO, and his BF. Anyway, TCO dicked me over a bit. Not in any real or extensive way, but he should have been around, and when he runs into me now, it’s always this question of what I’m going to do that weekend (I jingled my collar in response *smile*). More or less, he’s a nice guy, but he doesn’t have time for the play he wants. Wow….that sounded thoughtful…weird Anyway, he reminded me of my Sirs…not anything specific, but he is reminiscent of them (they are way way way way way way way ….way way way better). And that got me looking back on some of the people I have played with… and I recognized that I’d been playing with people vaguely like them since I began chatting with them…odd, but cool. Do I have a couple type? Subconscious thing? A seeking? Maybe this doesn’t require or demand a lot of excess thought…I’ll let this be a happy coincidence I think. They are special, there is no doubt about that. and really important to me. OH! I have big news about my leather family, something GREAT and a little scary has occurred. I really pride myself on being honest in this thing, but I want to be sure my Sirs get a chance to tell everyone they know first. So I am going to blog about it post ABW. But suffice to say, I had the best birthday I could have asked for. I wish I had asked to spend the actual day with them, but there is always next year, and that’s my 21st! 12 hour shift tomorrow. UGH Saturday I am off to explore the park with DaReal, and what promises to be a good evening with a top I am fond of in NYC And today I had a nice time with the man who would have been my roomie, but may now become a cool guy in NYC. And I ran to drop off my taxes and knocked over a cop…no drama…but I knocked over a cop…hehehehehe, take that state! He was cute too… okay, I really need sleep. "i want to cry, and break my heart, and get fired, and get depressed, and get fat, and get thin, and bleed, and scab, and dream, and lose sleep, i want to sink and rise, and a million other things." "nothing wrong with that, your problem is that you want do all at once" and, oh yeah, i admit it, i'm a little drama boy.
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
No computer, hate everything.
I sent my computer in to be fixed. I will be incognito for a couple days, (next Monday I should be back). But! I see my Sirs this weekend (first time in three weeks)! And I have done well on my Midterms so they will be very happy with me. Meanwhile I just can’t wait to see them. But I am so nervous about next year, you see this weekend we will discuss my schedule for classes. And money is a factor…so we will need to leave time for work. Plus, we need to make sure of my work load, and countless other things that I have no clue about. So, can I work, school, deal with the parents, and still have time for my Sirs? I think so, but I know school comes first, and next year might be hard. I’m not too worried, but I need to be sure that I am prepped for it. The job I get this summer will be important for all that. Plus I think my Sirs will help with this too. Meanwhile, I saw Specs this weekend. Which continues to confuse me. I want him to like me, be my friend. It never seems to work that way, I always wind up feeling outmatched. I guess I sort of idolize him, and because of that, it affects the way we interact. You never become friends with your kid brother till he matures. But he did call me (and no one else apparently) to tell me he was coming out. So I guess he likes me…now all I need to do is impress him. And then I can quit being so neurotic about the whole thing. SIRS IN TWO DAYS, SWEET JESUS LET THERE BE SERVING.
Sunday, April 04, 2004
So you say it’s your birthday.
Sigh, I am 20. I don’t know the hour of my birth, I am not a person who ever really cared about that. I have a day, and I feel like if I tried to know the exact the time I would always wind up being late to celebrate it. This weekend has been intense. I have the sniffles and it’s a good feeling…the occasional swallowing of my own mucus reminds me of the fun that has occurred. Thursday: I invite a couple people out for drinks in the east village. Conc and Tim my two close friends. And some people I am hoping will become close friends. It was pretty cool; I got drunk, like a freshmen girl at a senior party. Which isn’t me, I’m not a drinker, but every now and then, I like not being me. This skin fits so well I forget there are others out there to try. Friday was insane. Tony invited me to plan his Birthday party (he is on the 28th). So we all went out the elephant, a French and Thai fusion restaurant (read: fancy pants only, please). Then off to LIT, this fucking great bar in the east village, nice mix of pop/hip-hop/and some old fashioned techno. I pre-occupied myself with dancing, which I haven’t done in a long while. There is nothing quiet so fun as finding a common groove with the music and being surrounded by friends. It was about 2 when we left, I dragged everyone down to FauxHo (my term for the east side of SoHo). Some nice bars, we hung out in this one that was playing amped up 70’s love songs. Nice couches and the wallpaper was rainforest pictures plastered on the back of it. The night ended at last call (4am) Conc and I grabbed a cab back, he dropped me off, and I got the pleasure of walking short distance in the rain. I love those moments. Nothing feels so real, as moments spent getting wet while walking home. Anyway…it’s just been a great weekend. Flogthrob gave me the “bottoming book” which is proving to be a very good read. We were supposed to play,b but I screwed things up, I didn’t have him e-mail my Sirs, and forget to give them his address… they gave me permission to play but I felt icky about the whole thing, so it dampened me. I hate being a wet blanket, but I think Flogthrob understood why. At least, I hope so. And Sir and Daddybear called me this morning to wish me a happy birthday. great way to wake up. and then fall back a sleep to, with them fresh inside my head.
Saturday, April 03, 2004
Things to look forward to this summer.
Screaming the lyrics to BITTERSWEET SYMPHONY by the verve in some car, at some point, while heading down some back road Hearing Alli insult the people who frequent the pool she works as a life guard at. Visiting my Sirs and not having to take study breaks Getting home at 8 am from little more than toast at the local dinner. Exchanging mix CD’s of all the latest music. Sunshine Feeling older Feeling younger. Nearly getting arrested at least once, and then having a laugh cause the cops in my dinky small town know me, or at least one person I am with. So we exchange those glances like “yeah, you could arrest me, but c’mon” Midnights swimming Sleeping over Sunbathing on my roof, despite my irish flesh. Maybe getting a tattoo…. Maybe just placing my dog tags somewhere on my flesh so the sun makes them leave a mark… Having a plan for school
What happens when we die?
I loathe questions that I can’t answer with any certainty. I like believing in god, I like the idea that magic exist. I don’t want to live for no other reason than science. Tonight I heard an argument that it was harder to believe in G*d than not, and then heard that being an atheist was harder. I don’t think the two are comparable. If you choose to think that G*d is up there…then you choose to think that maybe, just maybe, your living your life wrong. That what your doing right now is against him. Not specifically homosexuality or anything like that…but believing in a higher power means that you accept that there is a path you are meant to follow. And not following this path subjects you to the wrath of higher power. If you choose to believe that nothing exists, then are your choosing the idea that everything you do, beyond it’s affect on those you know and those they know is temporary. That you are temporary, that even if you create a better future 200 years down the road, you won’t be there, not in spirit, not in anything, your corpse will be worm food and nothing more of you will exist. But you get to wake up, and not worry about eternal damnation. And let’s face it, not existing is a lot better than an eternity of fire doom. But I disagree with both sides of the first argument. The toughest way to be is where I am now. It’s the in-between, the in-between is always the toughest. No one embraces the in betweeners. People who dance on the edge live the toughest lives. I know this, Girlfag, it’s why I respect and honor you so much. Conc claims to be Bi, and it astounds me the number of times he hears “no, your gay” or “no, your timid” and maybe he is. But maybe he wouldn’t be if we all didn’t pressure people to pick a side. Sun is rising. And it’s funny, the most beautiful part of the day is the sunrise sometimes, when the sun is half up, half down. Sigh…maybe we want people to pick a side so that we pick one ourselves. There’s this song about a tree that wants to be a book. So it dies and becomes one. I feel like a tweener. I don’t want to pick anything, but the time comes when I will, I like being embraced to much. One day I’ll tell everyone about G*d, or I’ll tell everyone about how there isn’t one. Certainty, we all seek it. We want to know our relationships are good, we want to be certain that college will take us were we want to be, we want to be sure that were we want to be is were we are supposed to be. And we want it to be sure. Ever want it all? Are you certain? In Judaism G*d has a name. And if you say it correctly, you get struck by lightning. I have a friend who used to say it Hebrew school, just to see if it would happen. “If knowing that he’s up there kills me, well I am certain that would be worth it.” Yes i'm young, but i have aged.
Thursday, April 01, 2004
FlogThrob
Sigh, Dreamy men make me weak. The scene with Flogthrob was amazing. Just amazing, and we play again today. I wish I could have blogged about it but I have been in the middle of midterms and just saw the head of my financial crisis. So lets analyze the scene, Kissing, we were kissing. A lot of kissing. Bondage, not a lot, but I was secured. Flogging, I love the flogger Head, rimming, jerk off. It was passion, I cried as he flogged me, he stopped, came over…I begged him not to stop just yet. And it felt great. After a little single tailing he undid my arms and we fell into kissing, and then into blowjobs, and then we came. It moved me. Does that make sense? I feel like I can’t describe it right. It was/is this heaping mass of joy. I feel a little worried I might jinx it by playing with him again. But I am going to risk it. Daddybear approved. But I know why it was so good, I know why I am doing so well. It’s my Sirs. I feel like I am better, in general I mean. More focused on school, more focused in life. They offer structure when everything seems so out of control. They never make things seem simple, but they make them feel do-able. And I miss seeing them…it’s been almost two weeks and I am going through withdrawal. But I keep finding this appreciation for them. And at the same time there is this acknowledgement that I do a lot of it for myself. But I think I am different now…different then I was 3 months. Anyway, I am going to be going through a financial crisis soon I think. I may have to move back home to save on college costs. As opposed to living in the city. It all depends on how much I can get in loans. It sucks when your parents won’t put out. Apparently, my education falls second to a fresh coat of yellow on their lovely home. I mean, I get it. I made an error with college, and up until meeting my Sirs, I was about to make another (running off to another school). So I can understand their view point of feeling like maybe I’m not worth the 70,000 to pay for school. But here is my thought on the matter. “fuck you” It’s childish, but come on, you’re a fucking a lawyer, and a for an accounting firm no less. You worked 12 hour days when I was a child, your lack of emotional support means you owe me cash. So dip into the retirement fund, put off the new car, give up a vacation, ask my mother to take up a part time office job, and PAY MY WAY for 3 more years. Rant over. Realistically, my parents may be in debt up to their eyeballs, my sisters college, my brothers college, my sisters wedding, my little brothers bar mitzvah, my boarding school, my bar mitzvah, my older brothers bar mitzvah, my older sisters bat mitzvah all in a span of 9 years. And combined with the various car accidents we have all been in: My brother jumped a brick wall at 50 miles an hour (I bruised a lung), I totaled the minivan, My sister crashed the station wagon, my mother crashed the Volvo, I crashed the sedan, I crashed the sedan, I crashed the sedan again, and then I crashed the new station wagon… Well, you can see how there might be money issues. But what irks me is that my father won’t tell me any of this in detail. It’s always something like “money’s tight.” Which, would be fine, if I didn’t need a cosigner. You see, I don’t qualify for any financial aide as my family exists in one of the higher tax brackets. And I cannot file as independent on the FAFSA forms until I am 23 and/or married (to a woman). So I have to report my parents earnings either way. which means no money for Me. And Private loans won’t accept me unless I make 18k a year (which, if I made…why would I be applying for loans??). It all just seems so hopeless right now. But I feel like something exists. It’s just a matter of lowering my standards. Or maybe applying for new scholarships, or working 30 hours a week and switching pace to a night school. This weekend I see my parents, we shall be discussing money. You can tell your family is rich if discussing money is a big deal I think. In my family’s case, discussing money means the use of charts, and that my father looks nervous (like one of those swiss-bankers who has his hands in holocaust bank account). Sorry, I’m kind of bitter right now. Got a note from the financial aide office telling me of the many options for money that exist for those kids who have parents willing to part with a signature or two. I guess the whole thing irks me on this level. Like, what’s wrong with me that all these other kids have parents who will do this? And how come Mia’s parents bend over backwards to put her through college and mine won’t sacrifice things? And then I feel like I have to be missing something, but in my head it all adds up to an error somewhere. It’s weird though, right now, my parents are my best reference it seems. So I am hoping for the best this Sunday (my birthday!) cake, money, and number crunching. Sounds good. I’m putting all these thoughts out onto this thing because I want to be sure that I don’t put it out on them. Relationships with parents (my parents) work best when I suppress all emotion and just go based on the facts I know. Meanwhile, my little brother keeps IMing me, just to say hello…it’s strange. So he and I are going to see a movie Sunday, also. HELLBOY. Yeah, violence. I totally get to play cool older brother who takes younger brother to a bloody violent movie. Sir and Daddybear say we will discuss it during my next visit and come up with a plan. Meanwhile I was so busy freaking out over Midterms and such this past week, I missed two really hot comments from Sir and Daddybear. “He’s dealing with our property, he has to tell you” “Don’t forget who owns you” Sigh, yeah, dreamy, men make me weak. I know I’m technically Theirs yet, but a boy can enjoy the thought (get hard over it too). Flogthrob tonight! Drinking too (post play) Conc’s party Friday Meet Specs at the eagle Saturday to catch up (I have people I can play catch up with!) Birthday with the rents come Sunday, Mia and Sue want to take me out after. Yeah. Life is good…and I know who’s property I am.
