BLAH!
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
“Your jumping in the deep end? You always jump in the deep end, some days, this waters cold” That quote describes me somehow, mind you it is my preference for how to enter a pool, (I would cannonball into hot tubs if it were feasible). I think that one should always start where you feel the most comfortable. And I happen to feel the most comfort when I am surrounded in the hardest parts. When I was learning to swim I used to fling myself into the deep end (the instructors hated that). And once I learned to swim, when we would go down to our beach house in North Carolina, I would try to swim out as far into the ocean as I could. I like the challenge of it, the thought that at some point you’ll swim to far, there is a thrill there. I guess it’s the same with s/m I like the thrill, I love the deep end, I want to test myself, I want to be tested. “I don’t think I can, but maybe” means lets try it. This Friday me and VJ are off to Canada. We return on Monday I don’t really see the relationship as lasting beyond the summer, but someone finally told me something that makes it all make sense. “Things don’t have to, nimrod” I guess with all the divorces, the bad moments that my friends went through, I have this fear of the ending of them. My parents are together, and even then their not really happy. It all seemed (and still kinda does) like this hopeless effort. But while talking to Touts this afternoon, it became clear that moving like that is okay. You can skip and jump from one to another, when one ends it doesn’t mean the good times of the past go away. Ugh that’s way to sugary. I am a pessimist, so relationships are doomed in opinion but I guess, that doesn’t mean they aren’t meaningfull in the middle. That’s it! The meaning’s in the middle, it’s not how is started, or how it ended, it’s what it became, and what it was. Is that weird that I am writing this pre any breakup or falling out? I don’t know, I like him, I want to spend more time with (as a result I am spending less time with others, which is pretty okay with me right now). But I am dragging my foot, unlike the way I do everything else I am not flying in the deep end, hell I am barely wading. It’s a weird experience of restraint in the non literal sense. I guess what I am saying is if it’s doomed to fail… I am okay with that. Anyway, on the other subjects, going to learn how to flog this should be good, if no very, very odd. But odd is always fun too, coffee on Thursday and a discussion on the particulars. I hope it all works out. But if not, I am okay with that too. Oh and my new job is tough, 15 hours yesterday, I wanted to cry, 6:30am tomorrow. Oh well training is over this Friday than I can pick a normal schedule one that only requires 8 hours. Otherwise, I am not sure how I feel about the position. We shall see
Sunday, July 27, 2003
VJ met the Brit. Someone I am seeing met a friend of mine… weird. I didn’t think this is how it would go… I mean dating wasn’t for me, maybe it still isn’t. But at this moment, I am fulfilled. Saturday we went to an ultra gay pool party, it was weird. Me and VJ hung out in the back as we watched all the other guys swim, do drugs, drink, and genuinely have fun. We however madeout, talked, mocked the queens, and genuinely had a great time. It was nice just to be with him there, He has been sick for the past week, so it was nice that he was better, I spent 2 nights and 1 full day with him. After party we napped together, then went out to meet my friends (they like him, he’s soooo cute). We hung out for a half an hour then headed back to his place and slept. I ran out early, I hadn’t been home for 2 days and figured that I should probably get back there… It’s so weird I mean I am still talking online to all these people and sexually I crave a deeper intensity sometimes ( I need a flogging, bondage, fire play, beating) I want to also give that intensity sometimes.. but it doesn’t effect what I want with VJ, it’s weird I guess, I am experiencing this kind of renaissance in my tastes with him. I want to just be held and to hold him in return, I also want to lick and blow, and kiss every part of his body. It’s intense in a very new way to me, who knows where this shall go, but I am happy for the ride. Montreal in a week!!!!!!! I am so excited I can taste it
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Napping is the best experience I have had, it make me just feel grrreeeeeeeaaaaaaat! Anyway…I am losing my insomnia (woohoo) and losing this fear of emotions that I have. My therapist tells me that if I could I would be emotionless, but somehow I found myself in a world were they are required… maybe that’s why I jumped into all this so fast. Anyway today I saw Touts, and talked about VJ, then I went over to his house and slept with him (literally) it was amazing. I mean this a time that involved a Taszer and chest punching, and some choking. But waking next to him during the afternoon was the best part of my day I think. Weird, it’s weird… I am not sure of myself anymore… but that may be a good thing, Bed time, I need to get up at 5 (for gym) or 6 (since I will not gewt up at 5 am to go the gym, but it’s a nice thought)
Okay Owners new name is VJ , to fix the confusion. Anyway, we are dating and I am realizing something disturbing about me. I am not self centered… but I am forgetful of other people on occasion. And after a fight between me and VJ it clicked that there are 2 people involved in this thing… very weird, very scary. Anyway… hooking up for me is an act of power, so doing it (btw, hooking up means doing back to a guy’s a place from a bar, not the internet rendezvous). So to give that up is tough… but I have VJ for naked fun, and for the moments after, the movies, dinner, that stuff… but I like being tied up an whipped, I love being chest punched, I like chest punching, I like tying up a guy. Not that VJ and I aren’t kinky together… we are.. but there is a limit of experience. And I require more… so we set up a rule, I will only fuck with him, currently. And I have decided to not hookup with people, I will wait for the hardcore experiences. He will be the center of my mind when I am with him. This is exciting, I really hope I don’t fuck it up. Oh I had work orientation Monday, 13 hour shift tomorrow ugh that’s going to suck (but money is good) who knows how this will go, I am excited for it! I also met a 19 y/o pervert (lives in montreal, college in NYC) online so if we meet up I may finally have someone to bounce my theories off, and maybe end this feeling of being the only young guy into this. off to nap with VJ, then charlies angels
Sunday, July 20, 2003
Okay, Ttop was awesome (new pics in my gallery for those in the know). We did spanking, paddling, bondage and the like. It’s always more intense when you travel for it… one of my friends had some trouble out on the Jersey shore.. so I had to leave early.. but I think I will go back there one. After fixing the jersey problem (I know, there are many problems in jersey), I went home. I called Red and I hope him and I get to meet up again sometime soon, he is discovering a desire he has to become a slave which is currently pre-occupying him, but I welcome anychance I have to hang with him. I hung out with Owner and found what will become my addiction should I become wealthy, caramel makiado.. I think it’s called that, anyway is caramel and coffee… yum. After that I went to eagle. Okay I kind of freaked over the idea that I liked the stability of leaving the bar with Owner… so I needed to hand my number out to some more people tonight. Anyway I met up with Rboy, who was there with a friend of his and a boy who had never done bondage ( I fixed that, tied his balls up in the lower bathroom of the eagle). But his friend did something troubling to me… he wore a collar. He is not owned, not in a relationship… it bothers me on some level… I looked good, but still. I don’t know it’s like when someone abuses the cross, I am Jewish, but people put faith in something and I think there is something a bit off about abusing it. Oh well, to each his own. Anyway I also met up With MJ a man from San Fran who I have lusted after online for a bit.. and now.. in person too. I also saw one of the first Masters I ever played with BW, it was a nice experience in that I felt like I could see how I have grown. I have a real date with Owner (NO I am not owned, just his nickname) tomorrow. My first real date in a very long time (I avoid them) this should be… interesting. But I am looking forward to it.
Friday, July 18, 2003
Okay I am about to go to Lancaster PA and spend the night with Ttop. Wahoo!!!! My first time with a man who has a dungeon, should be fun, I should have pictures when I return. I did the whole checkup, I have friends who know Him (get on www.friendster.com leather men, it is oddly helpful in this area). Anyway.. the big news? I fucked Owner (NO I AM NOT OWNED, just his nickname). It was this odd act of submission; he pounded on my chest as I fucked him. He yanked my balls, pulled my nipples. I was his toy the whole time, it was hot… sadly I am still too tight to be fucked.. but my friend the dildo (now known affectionately as Doh) shall help with that.. I am excited for this weekend it should be good. Oh but lets stay on task. Owner and I Met up Wednesday for a night at the Eagle, He aske me to tie up my balls beforehand, with a bit of the string hanging out at the bar so he could yank it when I was not up to par. I gave lot of extra string. So we hung out in the eagle and before we left he saw me staring at a guy as I pissed. If you have ever been in the eagle there is a chain-link fence that separates two bathrooms So with me on one side, and Owner and hot guy on the other… he had me slip my ball rope through the fence, then tied it to a pipe on the other side, and left the bathroom. Hot guy came over and gave it a tug, “whats this go to? Your belt?” “my balls” ( I am smilling at this point) “really?” tug (all is well) “Yeah, um can you untie me?” “sure, wow your balls, that intense” Sigh… okay here is the inherent problem with the eagle, it’s got leather and this kind of near kink… heres the new term I have for the leather posers who do some kink… “trinkets” i.e. People who do some stuff, like wear leather pants, or bite, or spank, or anything… but they only have that one fetish that gets them hot. “I’ll spank you a little before I fuck you, or I will call you boy when I fuck you, or (as was the case with hottie) I would love to play daddy” And that is fine, I like vanilla, I like giving head, I like being spanked, I like being called boy (by the right guy), but… in the eagle that’s all there on occasion. Sigh… but it’s fun for a night out, and I was there with Owner, so I wasn’t going to get his number or give him mine anyway… and truthfully I am very okay with going home with Owner, even with all the others I saw… and that thought scares me. Oh, and last night I saw Dad E. we went 2stepping (well he 2stepped I watched with awe and horror). I don’t think anything is quite so gay as men dancing to country music… but it’s also surprisingly hot…. Though my first definition of gay was that scene in police academy with the “blue oyster” so that could explain it. Oh and for the last part of this… a poem: Covered in this mist of foolishness Dripping in this sweat of yours Hoping for the end to be as sweat as the beginning Rolling, tumbling, bumbling, simply yours, In this place, in this time, I am yours… and so is this the act we make. Our bodies writhe and we.... create.
Tuesday, July 15, 2003
okay, there is a scene i want to do. I want to a beast for a bit. No ability to talk, gagged for like a day, no speaking when not gagged. no writting, no communication other than grunts and nods. okay maybe this is dog training, but i don't like dogs, so this is beast training.
Monday, July 14, 2003
Sunday, July 13, 2003
Oh, and the deal with monagomy, I am not going to flirt with anyone in the bar on wednesday when i go with Owner. So it will be a kind of first. we shall what happens. I am aiming to play with axel either tuesday or thursday. Oh and random thought, i wink a lot. It's this coy thing i am tryign out, it's hard to do in low light places, but hell, when you do it over coffee, well it sets a good mood for the conversation. Imagine setting with a Friendup (fuckbuddy) something along the lines of "how was your day?" (wink). And then they try to think if you know something they don't, or it leads to nakedness, eitherway, it's fun.
Ugh, Okay so college orientation, it was awesome! I love the location of the college, the east side bars are close, So is the eagle (okay so I need a subway to get there but no biggie). I am close to Metrocare (the ambulance company that hired me) and the kids are cool. I will be doing a double major I think. marketing, and international business. I met up with 5 other gay kids and for the most part I just hung out with them. As we all talked I got this feeling of being like the older brother. I have done a lot more than most, and I guess I have grown up a bit since spending the year. I heard stories of broken curfews, and late nights at some twink club. The majority of kids at the college are from long island (ew) but I am keeping an open mind. Anyway, the day started at 9:00 am, and I was freaking out… this is my last attempt at college, I think I will do fine, but if I fail at it, that’s it. It’s my second try so there is a little more pressure than the first time. I am not too worried, but it is something I am pondering. Anyway, I was exempt from exams, high SAT, my schedule is all classes after 10:00 am, and I have some awesome teachers (http://www.ratemyprofessors.com). So… we spent the night in the dorms, me and one the of kids got to talking, he was gay, but had never been into a gay bar. He comes from a small town (which is no excuse, to me) So I dragged him to the east side bar that never cards (small town kids never bring fake id’s). Anyway, we went to the boiler room, and I think I get turned on by corrupting a person. The kids wide eyed gaze as he entered the bar… it was priceless. Anyway The rest of the orientation went well, I met some cool kids, and I am getting excited for college.
College orientation, 5 gays, 2 straight women, one 18 y/o boy who had never been in a gay bar, and a 31 y/o white south african. I have new fears,new excitement, and a genuine sense of what school will be. I will give a more complete description latter. Axe and i missed our meet, we shall do so latter this week. I am trying out monogamy on wednesday, so wish me luck.
Friday, July 11, 2003
Back: So after coffee I met up with Slow for lunch, it was nice, and weird too. I avoid lunch or dinner with people because I hate to just sit and talk. But it was nice, we sat there just exchanging stories of growing up gay and kinky. It was nice as we got to talking I don’t know that I like it better than coffee, but it has it’s place. After lunch I got my dildo and saw Cute Red, which was nice. We talked for a bit. I went home and saw Owner (again, not owned by him, just a nickname). We played around with his stun gun, and a facial exerciser, which was fun (thought at one point I backed myself into his closet trying to get away. Before I went out to the bar I borrowed a t-shirt of his (hot) and met up with Axe for coffee. We walked around the city talking about our various desires, and what we thought was down the road. He is in a relationship which he is happy with, but he likes bondage and his partner doesn’t so he has to look for it elsewhere. We fooled around in the Eagle for a bit, and I began to flirt with the bartender. We (the bartended and I) switched shirts (we switched back when I left, I would not give away Owners shirt). Axe and I met a couple more guys, and then left and I drove him home, we sat in my car arranging a play date (we would have played that night, but I wanted to not screw it up). So Saturday I may come back with stories of bondage and fun, and a new naked buddy. Off for college orientation tomorrow! Woohoo!!!! Super fun with other teens (okay I hate people my age, really more excited with the part where I live in NYC, and learn stuff). Oh and Specs, if you ever read these things, sorry for my weirdness today. Expect that often, until I figure out what I want.
Thursday, July 10, 2003
Okay, Wednesday was coffee day. I may never sleep again. I met p with like 5 people, and coffee being my official first meeting drink; i had tons (caffeine sex is something would should all strive for). Anyway, I met up with Groove, Axe, and Slow (so named for how he likes to take things). Groove and axe are very similar. More on all this in a second... I AM AN EMT!!!! I got the job I start the 21st, and it will be oh so good, it's one of those noble jobs where you still get the bling. so woohoo!!!! Problem on the horizon being my trip to SF, but we shall see. Anyway, after the interview I drove through Brooklyn to Manhattan (way too many traffic lights.) So at one I met up with groove, we had coffee and talked about his wants (to explore), he's cute and I see friendship, maybe more, but probably not, he’s not a hookup fan... alright off to work type more later ( I am in Owner's house, he's dreamy)
Tuesday, July 08, 2003
Okay, Wednesday i am getting a dildo, I'm fixing this. Anyway... anyone ever seen cruel intentions? if not you should all see it. There is this quote from it I say quite often "I hate when things don't go my way. It makes me so horny” It’s very true for me, I get turned on when I don’t get my way. Not sure why, don’t care really. I like hearing “no” I want to just pleasure the guy who says it, this is probably an illness. But I don’t plan to cure it anytime soon. It’s weird to think that sometimes I don’t like it when a guy lets me cum too much. If we are doing cum control, I want you to test me. Okay my book on bottoming so far: Scare me a little, it turns me on, but don’t bullshit me. Don’t give me a threat unless you intend to use it. Idle threats make me doubt your power, and cause me to lose my will to obey. Don’t ask me to fake it, I don’t like pretending that you will keep me there for days(though I did have a hot scene that made me 30 minutes late to work once, that was a kind of hot show of power). , or that you are anything other than a guy I want to pleasure (no role play please). You are not beating me because I did wrong, you are beating me because I have probably begged for it. On the subject of begging, when you want head, don’t tell me to beg for it, its fake. Just stick it in there. Or leave your hard on out long enough and nature will take it’s course and I will probably beg on my own. You can vent to me, I am not a child, you can be upset about your job, your friend, your co-worker, something political, and you can tell me that it bothers you, I don’t need you be all strong and dominant, you can be weak too, vunerability is a sexy quality for anyone to have. And trusting me enough to tell me things that upset you makes me want to grope you. I am a pushy bottom, I am not into S/m for the sole pleasure of the top, I need to get off too. But, I am not in it for myself alone, I am more than willing to do things I hate if it’s important to the top. Don’t be a worrier about pda, I like kissing in public, when you worry about that, it makes me feel self-conscious. Plus, kissing in public can lead to dirty sex acts in public places which has yet to be a bad thing for me. Oh and I don’t like having to ask permission to lick you, or kiss you, or grope you, it irks me. That’s not really a rule, just a preference. In fact most of these aren’t really rules, just kind of felt like venting. No reason for it really, just a conversation with a top. Who got the wrong idea about me. Well, I suppose some thanks should go to Special K an attractive man who I have been talking to, I gave him my blog which he read it all that same day (always kind of nice, when a guy does that). But he commented that I did not seem to be as free flowing with my blog since I gave it out to more people. So after reading over it I decided I would get some stuff off my chest.
Monday, July 07, 2003
Not that it was all sex, we watched a movie tried go-gurt, and i continued to attempt to drink his piss (okay that may be sex), we did dinner, he spit some of his food into my mouth... oddly hot (Owner calls it baby robin). So who knows. Enge comes back from his trip soon, so we may meet up again this week or next depending on my mood. and i will be sure to stop by his place on my way up to boston. this wednesday should be nice too. we shall see what happens in the future. I could just become a cock whore and spend the rest of my days on my back. who knows?
Getting fucked should not be diffiicult, but it is, i guess i used the enema bad, or i am too tight or something. It was SO painful i could take it. So we played otherwise. I have been doing masochism without bondage for Owner (just for refrence i am not owned by Owner, it's just his nickname). he punches me, until i ask him respectfully to stop, then we move on to a new part. We are trying again tommorow for the Fucking, so wish me luck. iuntil futhher notice i am intact in that area, when it happens there will be news.
Saturday, July 05, 2003
Emotional closeness: I am still not comfortable with it; I guess it's a fear of rejection, or something. I mean physically I am very affectionate, I will nuzzle you, kiss you, blow you, suck you, like you, nibble you, all that. But in terms of emotional closeness, I am just not okay with it. I can’t sit and watch TV with you hand around me, as I talk about my day. I can’t hug you when we part (I do, just not comfortable with it), I don’t like the romantic stuff. I don’t know why I am this way. But I need sexual musk; I want it to be turned on, not getting warm fuzzies from you. But then I think it can’t be a fear of rejection because I am so forward in public, or when I meet a person. I will ask for a phone number, make that long trip over to a guy across the room. But I suppose when someone says “no thank you” for a number or an e-mail, it’s an impersonal rejection of a period of about 15 minutes. When someone doesn’t smile back when I shoot them a look, it’s a rejection of looks. I can deal with those, those aren’t the whole me. Being open emotionally mean being open to a new type of rejection, it means being open to the one type of pain that I can’t handle, emotional. When someone says, I don’t want to date you, it cuts a little deeper, it says, I don’t like you. Not any part of you, the whole you, it may not mean I don’t like you as a whole. It may just mean I don’t like you ENOUGH. That’s all. I can deal with that I suppose, I mean it’s just another thing I need to do. The trouble is that you can’t just through yourself into. With S/M, I could play with rough one’s. Your desires scare me? I am in. You don’t thin I am capable of handling you? I’ll prove you wrong. You think I can’t take the whip? I will skip the 9 tales to prove you wrong. With other forms of life you can have it be over and done with, I can control when it starts (i.e. when I have free time to play) and when it ends (when I am out of free time/ when I can’t take anymore). Emotions, however are tricky, two people are involved in a way that transcends the moment. I have delved into this with Dad E. I love him, he loves me, but he is safe. It has a stopping point, I like that. No I love that about it. He is in a relationship, I know this, it will go so far, and then it will plateau. That’s good. But with normal dating and love the boundaries don’t exist, do they? With normal dating there is pain at some-point, right? You wind up having those teary phone calls, those “real world” (the mtv show) moments. Where your crying, and he’s crying and you both know it’s over. You see, when two people get together in that way, the loving way, they breed an animal called a “relationship” and then neither controls it, it just runs around and makes a mess of things. Like a bad dog, I mean you can tame, house break it, but sometimes “relationship” will vomit on your floor, sometimes it will shit on the rug, and eventually it will die. So where does this leave me? Why post this all now? Well tomorrow I am going to get fucked. The one sex act I have avoided for a while. Why? Because it’s emotional, it’s something that matters I think. I am going to remember it. So, I avoided it, but now… now I am ready, I give up this control on my emotions, I welcome the new pain, the new pleasure. I am not saying I will now seek a boyfriend, I am not saying I want that. I don’t, but I am not going to avoid the emotional stuff anymore. And I guess in part I have Specs to thank. The first one I let hurt me that way it wasn’t deep, and not that painful. It took me so long to figure it out, I feel like an idiot. “Intense sex can sometimes lead to intense emotions.” It was the parting advice of an old guard leather daddy in NYC. He told me as he stumbled out of the bar with his boy propping him up. But I digress, I couldn’t put my finger on why I wanted to kind of avoid Specs. It’s stupid really, nothing major happened. “I want to date you” “I don’t want that” and bam, I am in pain. But in the end it was a good thing, nothing ventured nothing gained. I got a taste, and I am not sure why I feared it so much. I can handle it. Sorry Belt, your kind of stuck in the middle there, and that sucks. But for the moment I need to ignore that region of the world. Anyway, I think that’s enough ranting for tonight night. I am done with this; I am going to get fucked! Woohoo anal sex, woohoo expansion! But most importantly, bring on the new experiences, I am ready, I can deal.
Friday, July 04, 2003
didn't get to give Owner head today, which was suprisinly dissapointing to me. oh well i shall see him saturday i hope. other than that i am excited for july 4th! an amusment park!
Okay, should I make this public? Post it all on my LN page and the one on world leather men, respectively? Or should I just keep giving it out to the people I want to? I suppose it’s an act of control to keep the name, and then give it out. Something I can have in my back pocket. Though I don’t know, the idea of having it public on a page where anyone can access it would bring me “hello I read your Blog” mail, which would not be terrible, just weird. Also it would ruin the idea of having a small group of people who I had given the name to. On a more important matter, I am hot for this guy online. Well I met him in person and he is very cute, but he only answers with one syllable (how are you doing? Fine) which would be a deal breaker, but he keeps saying hi. I can’t read him, it bothers me, and truthfully I don’t have a strong desire for any real play with him, but it’s just a practice that irks me. I am, for now, assuming that it’s just how he is. However, if I ask you how your day went, it is because I want to know how your day went, so simply saying “good” doesn’t work. I need a full response to my query. Sigh, if I ever tie him down, I will explain that to him, no pain, no pleasure just a long conversation about how to respond to my questions. This in itself would be really satisfying. Speaking of toping, I have been asked if I think doming makes me less of a legitimate bottom. I don’t think it does, I believe the paths are different, so one can travel both simultaneously. So long as one recognizes the difference between the way you interact with a man who has honored you with his desire to bottom for you, and one whom you have honored.
Thursday, July 03, 2003
Oh one more thing, i am going to Montreal! but I had to cancel the VA TRIP, which sucks, because i was looking forward to sleeping (literally) with belt, so i have replaced that road trip with my one up to Montréal. That will be good especially if i can do it alone, really have time to think. Who knows though, ugh I hate uncertainty. I won't see Specs either which is not great but it's fine, I think we will become the type of people who actually just meet up for coffee and light chatter.
So the parade ended without a hitch Enge and kissed, i met a couple guys, saw more manchest than have in awhile. monday was wierd, i got a call from Tim, he was worried about our relationship, and truthfully i am too. We are on different paths, and finding time to hang out it gonna be hard to remain friends. I mean the bars we used to hang in don't do it for me, and he hates the eagle so it will either die or morph into something else. I hope for the latter. Anyway i sleep over with at the Ex pornstars place. He is incredible, he has dubbed me his sex product. So his name here shall be Owner. we met several months ago when i hit on him in my gym steamroom. he was with his brother so nothing happened, but we reconnected online a couple of days ago. When we met up i got so hot that it felt like my cock was going to explode. he has this concept of topping the idea being the same as when he was younger abd broke his toys cause he wanted to see how they worked. I don't know, but i like being his toy, his sex product. more on this latter. i am off for now. legs tonight at the gym (squats!)h
Sunday was nice too, i met a really nice guy at the parade, 21, cute and sweet. he fantasizes about rope play (coffee on sunday), i met an older guy who likes cigar play (coffee/sex on sunday). But i laso messed around with enge in public, which in nothing new, but this time we got stares and a couple, "you make a cute couple ever do threeways" comments. okay more on this latter i am spending the night with an ex porn star
