Emotional closeness: I am still not comfortable with it; I guess it's a fear of rejection, or something. I mean physically I am very affectionate, I will nuzzle you, kiss you, blow you, suck you, like you, nibble you, all that. But in terms of emotional closeness, I am just not okay with it. I can’t sit and watch TV with you hand around me, as I talk about my day. I can’t hug you when we part (I do, just not comfortable with it), I don’t like the romantic stuff. I don’t know why I am this way. But I need sexual musk; I want it to be turned on, not getting warm fuzzies from you. But then I think it can’t be a fear of rejection because I am so forward in public, or when I meet a person. I will ask for a phone number, make that long trip over to a guy across the room. But I suppose when someone says “no thank you” for a number or an e-mail, it’s an impersonal rejection of a period of about 15 minutes. When someone doesn’t smile back when I shoot them a look, it’s a rejection of looks. I can deal with those, those aren’t the whole me. Being open emotionally mean being open to a new type of rejection, it means being open to the one type of pain that I can’t handle, emotional. When someone says, I don’t want to date you, it cuts a little deeper, it says, I don’t like you. Not any part of you, the whole you, it may not mean I don’t like you as a whole. It may just mean I don’t like you ENOUGH. That’s all. I can deal with that I suppose, I mean it’s just another thing I need to do. The trouble is that you can’t just through yourself into. With S/M, I could play with rough one’s. Your desires scare me? I am in. You don’t thin I am capable of handling you? I’ll prove you wrong. You think I can’t take the whip? I will skip the 9 tales to prove you wrong. With other forms of life you can have it be over and done with, I can control when it starts (i.e. when I have free time to play) and when it ends (when I am out of free time/ when I can’t take anymore). Emotions, however are tricky, two people are involved in a way that transcends the moment. I have delved into this with Dad E. I love him, he loves me, but he is safe. It has a stopping point, I like that. No I love that about it. He is in a relationship, I know this, it will go so far, and then it will plateau. That’s good. But with normal dating and love the boundaries don’t exist, do they? With normal dating there is pain at some-point, right? You wind up having those teary phone calls, those “real world” (the mtv show) moments. Where your crying, and he’s crying and you both know it’s over. You see, when two people get together in that way, the loving way, they breed an animal called a “relationship” and then neither controls it, it just runs around and makes a mess of things. Like a bad dog, I mean you can tame, house break it, but sometimes “relationship” will vomit on your floor, sometimes it will shit on the rug, and eventually it will die. So where does this leave me? Why post this all now? Well tomorrow I am going to get fucked. The one sex act I have avoided for a while. Why? Because it’s emotional, it’s something that matters I think. I am going to remember it. So, I avoided it, but now… now I am ready, I give up this control on my emotions, I welcome the new pain, the new pleasure. I am not saying I will now seek a boyfriend, I am not saying I want that. I don’t, but I am not going to avoid the emotional stuff anymore. And I guess in part I have Specs to thank. The first one I let hurt me that way it wasn’t deep, and not that painful. It took me so long to figure it out, I feel like an idiot. “Intense sex can sometimes lead to intense emotions.” It was the parting advice of an old guard leather daddy in NYC. He told me as he stumbled out of the bar with his boy propping him up. But I digress, I couldn’t put my finger on why I wanted to kind of avoid Specs. It’s stupid really, nothing major happened. “I want to date you” “I don’t want that” and bam, I am in pain. But in the end it was a good thing, nothing ventured nothing gained. I got a taste, and I am not sure why I feared it so much. I can handle it. Sorry Belt, your kind of stuck in the middle there, and that sucks. But for the moment I need to ignore that region of the world. Anyway, I think that’s enough ranting for tonight night. I am done with this; I am going to get fucked! Woohoo anal sex, woohoo expansion! But most importantly, bring on the new experiences, I am ready, I can deal.
- posted by G @ 3:25 AM