BLAH!
Saturday, May 31, 2003
Okay so i have noticed this about me. after giving the url out again i went over my old blogs just to see what i had written. Reading them i realized i am very confilicted with my thoughts. it seems that i can't define people as one thing without me changing it. So i have decided to give up on that for a bit. i will just try assuming less. Like last night at this party, i talked to a guy wearing a hoist t-shirt, and my opening line was something along the lines of "ever tried whipping?" Which didn't fly well with the very queeny man who wore it. I also find that i do this thing, where i make decisions based on whims. which is not necesarrilly a bad thing, but living life randomly can't be all that purposeful. Oh and i can't cum for until friday... if that, i am playing with a really hot guy in chicago next weekend, so "if boy is good, he might get to cum next weekend" Joy. but totally a turn on. sigh, such is life, why couldn't i be turned on by being ordered to cum a lot? why aren't more Sir's giving that order? oh well this should be fun, and i can do it!
Okay, so i gave my blog URL out again, that makes 3 people who i have given it to. so hi to all you, hope your enjoying
Friday, May 30, 2003
I don't know what i am so afraid of, i keep my hair long enough to slick up with gell, and until recently was shaving. It's not that i want to look like a boy, but i don't wanna look like a leather guy. Well, didn't, i mean i am not gonna shave my head. But i will cut it short enough to be called military. and i am not gonna buy leather pants, but maybe a cock ring or something. And looking the part may not be such a bad thing!
"weakness is the inabilty to admit them" So, Chicago in a week!!!!!! beatings, pain, bondage, control, and other stuff too. I am scared, but excited. I don't know what i expect from the weekend, other than fun. sleep time, but happiness is here again!
Thursday, May 29, 2003
"not all those who wander are lost" what's with me recently? i am down, well not down, but not up either. And since up is my normal state, not beign there feels wierd. I think this is what i am going to call the look back years. I know stuff is happening, i know it's important. The leather community is going trough something, and i may get to be a part of it. the net is recking bars, and wreaking havoc with the natural order of it all. And the next generation (my generation) is gonna have to figure what we want. I have decided not to say hi to anyone online for a couple days, and see who notices. It's childish, but i wanna see who notices. I keep hearing how amazing i am for being into all this at such a young age (okay, so i am 19), and maybe I am. But i just keep worrying that i am not living up to the hype. Oh well, I can deal, and the be your own shoulder policy is still in effect, and working well. But it's been nice to know that should it fail, i have a couple other shoulders.
"happiness, like greatness...only comes in the form of moments" So, have this fantasy that i am ready to admit. I fantasize about having a boyfriend, and it is amazing. no, i am not owned, i have no collar, and we are not monogomas (even in my fanatasies i am a slut). I guess part of me wants something normal. No thats not it, i want acceptence among my peers, recently i have been feeling like an outsider, theres so much they don't know. I feel all wierd, g*d damnit i hate my fucking thoughts. oh, and about my crush, i figured it out. I like to imagine us dating becuase the image of it happening makes me happy. The thought that i might be capable of it, (dating that is) is a nice one. So i think i will keep the fantasies, so long as i don't have the delusions of a real world conection. I mean I know that it wouldn't work out... so whats the harm in imagining? Sigh, he has been doing some stuff that bothers me... he keeps making the threat "if you do this we won't speak again" and i think i have known him long enough for that not to be an issue. oh well, i move on, and deal. on the same issue, lately i have been talking about with withh a good friend of mine.Well, several tipsy discustions as the spillover from his obsessing about a girl while drinking in my house on the 26th Douche (nickname), he keep telling me the best way to deal with those kind of wierd emotions is to stop the contact. While i realize that would be all but impossible, the thought of not playing has been one i am considering (not seriously). My worry being that future play will lead to greater (ew) emotions. But i also know the reality of the situation, and can accept the parameters of it. When i describe myself i say i tend to have an on and off switch rather than a dimmer. So my theory is that he is just the first guy i happen to like more than just a hookup. and i am relatively new to hookup-friendships. So i believe i am just making an adjustment. I mean it's wierd, in public (on the rarity that i discuss him) i lable him a hookup. And in my head, (at least partially) he is, but i also feel like i put a lot of trust in his decisions. I guess the most frustrating part is i am not sure if it is returned (the trust that is). Maybe that's why i hate being worried about, feels like i am not being trusted. Oh... so to bring my rant to a conclusion, i am gonna continue to play with him. I will just watch my feeling carefully, and maybe, just maybe, start trying to think of him as a friend. then agai Leather sex stuff has been awesome the fun red head in the city has been great, new play, and I have moved quickly to a point where I can call him whenver i want. he gave me some good advice "don't worry about being a pushy bottom, they get what they want." I suppose the trick is making sure i know what i want, so i can figure out how to ask for it. But my main fear in all that is not knowing how to say "i really don't want to do that" i have been fortunate enough not to need to end a scene, but, if i keep playing heavy (and i will), that day will come.
Monday, May 26, 2003
"the errors of our ways can be seen in the faces of those we hurt" I did something drunk and stupid. I let a straight friend of mine see images (whipping) of me. he saw my penis and the rest. it was a nice night, and he is cool, but there is this overwhelming sense of shattering. i wish he could just be honest and tell me what he thought. i wish i knew why i wanted him to see it. I guess i just want my life to feel less fake. For someone outside the community to know the whole truth. for someone to say "yeah thats wierd, but i get it" i am so drunk as i type this, there are three kids passed out somwhere in my house. Fun i am having, wierdness i am living.
Sunday, May 25, 2003
"losing teaches us more about ourselves than winning (or getting) ever could" Okay, so I think I am done with hookups...partialy. I mean I still have the desire, and I don't really want to be owned or in a relationship, but I want the people i am with to matter to me. I used to think that my hookups with Dad (leather Dad that is) were so good becuase of him, and partialy thats true but, I think it's also that I care about him. How fucking lame is that? I mean I always thought that whole line "when you care about someone it's better" was a lie. But I discovering that when people matter to me, it makes the nakedness more important. So when it comes to leathersex, i am done with the meaningless nakedness.
"how much simplier would life be if people didn't always see grey as black and white?" Okay So, I played with an old guard top last night. He is about 50, balding, cute (to me), and fun. Well not entirely, we had fun parts, and I confess I loved almost every minute of it. But recently I have been feeling a bit hollow; I don't think I can continue the meaningless hookups. I have finally reached a place where I want more. Heck I need more, I am not talking relationship. But I want more than just physical closeness, I want emotional intimacy. I want someone in my life that gets me, I want someone who I can have both with...and not need to get beaten just to be close with them. I want more from my relationships. More on this, I need sleep.
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
i did not get whipped today, i wanted to be whipped. But the Sir who was supposed to was busy... sadness and anger. Sigh. i can deal i mean it will happen when IML is over with. Oh well his excuse bothers me more... he said a friend of his came over earlier than expected... so he would not be able to play. it makes sense, just not the dire consequences i want it to be in order for him not to be able to play. i want "i lost my arm, but when i can use the other to whip you, we are on" is that so much to ask for an excuse? i am such a pushy bottom.
"even when you know the words, sometimes it's okay to just hum" I am not sure what it is with my life recently, but I have this feeling of it not being real. Parts of it just seem like a dream. I think that's the overwhelming feeling I have about my weekend. In the leather community sometimes I feel like this observer. When I was younger I remember sitting atop the stairs just listening to the movies that my family would watch (I was too young to see the R rated ones). I got the gist of the movie and saw glimpses of it. And though the next morning I could recite scenes word for word, I never got the whole movie. That's what it feels like, I know what to do, I know how to do it, and I a pretty good at it. But part of me feels like I still don't get it. I mean really get it. Okay so lets get into my weekend, I drove down to the Sir I was seeing on Friday afternoon. I ran up to see him and we began to make out. I was worried that I would not llike him, or find him as attractive as I did in his images. That faded as soon as I got through the door, and the relief of it all just came out in make-out form. From there we retired to his bedroom and played for a bit. After we came he ordered dinner, I know this sounds weird, but at first I didn't feel all that dominated, I mean it was there in his kiss, I could feel him being in control. However it was absent in his actions at points, he was trying to be a good host to me. This sounds odd, but I want a guy to but his desires above mine, but I also want him to put my safety first. It seems that the kind of guy who puts himself first in the other areas forgets about my needs. But in terms of hotness of play I would prefer that to being worried about, which is undoubtedly unhealthy. The night progressed from there, that weekend I had made a promise that I would eat my own cum every time I shot. This in my opinion is a good plan, cuase it makes me back off, and think about the Dom I am with. In that I want to cum, but don't really want to taste it, so I hold off when I can and don't ask permission as much. By Saturday we had a good rhythm going I was nice and comfy with him. Laying in his arms feels really good, and sleeping in his bed. Literally I slept!!!! Which is amazing for me, it just feels nice. So I decided when I got up that I should stay a little longer. And resolved not to let my crush hamper my weekend fun. That night me and Sir went out for sushi with his friends. I felt so weirded out, my crush is friends with the Sir, I mean I knew he would be there. But it just felt strange, when I defined him as a guy I blow, and get beatings from, to know that he was there to just hang with. I found myself reverting the rude little kid I was in my youth. Not disobeying orders, just forgetting where I was, not asking permission, and interrupting like crazy. I got better as the night went on, and found myself realizing that I don't really want a relationship with anyone right now. I looked at my crush, looked at the Sir I was with, and saw so many other guys I would willing play with that I just came to the conclusion that I didn't really want to settle down. It was a weird feeling, and scary too, I mean I do so many stupid things, the desire to do stupid things with more people can only lead to trouble. On the ride I home I confided the thoughts to my crush, as he was the closest one emotionally to me. I know that he and I are not that close, because he tried to comfort me, and I just couldn't believe him. I know that sounds bratty, but he and I just aren't that close, and I am so untrusting and apparently good sex doesn't leave me as emotionally connected as I thought. By Sunday I was ready to go home, it was an awesome weekend, I got some nice marks and made a good... something. So all is well that ends well, but I get the feeling that something is looming on the horizon. And I can almost feel is coming. Scary.
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
"if you can't do it well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly" I keep doing this thing, I like a guy, so I bolt. And I am still fighting this desire, and I keep thinking the deisre should go away, but no luck so far. It was a very good weekend as a whole. I played with the Sir, I was visitng and have found that I am gettign quite good at what i am into. Okay so the meat of this is, I saw him , i decided to stay longer and see him. I mean it was wierd, in my head he is defined so clearly as a hookup. So i keep going over my desire to see him, it bothers me. The Sir i was with this weekend is friends with him so i saw him (from now on capital H). The Sir i was with was awesome i took a belt, but he did the punishment pain thing and thats just not what i am into right now... So it was wierd.. i saw matrix two and got a taste of my life in the future. More on this latter. gotta think.
Friday, May 16, 2003
Okay So i lied tonight, i can't understand what i want from this guy... no thats not it. I like him, I would date him, he doesn't want that, and i am tryign to figure out if I am okay with that. I think I am, hell I am sure I am. It's just that I finally defined what he is.. he is a hookup. A really good hookup, but at the same time, I can't stand to see him outside of the sexual realm. So tonight I told him that while i would be in his state (and relatively close to him) this weekend I wouldn't be able to see him. It's not that I couldn't or even that I don't wan't to... it's that I can wait till we meet. However, than I think how childish it is to play that game, he's nice, I want to see him so I should. I have decided to play it by ear. Sigh... it seems whenever I figure somethign out i am left with more to ponder... okay bed time more latter
Thursday, May 15, 2003
Okay, so i have a made a rule, i will not edit the content of these blogs once i post them and i will not edit them as i type them (beyond grammar and spelling)... So lets get right into it (thats just the kind of guy i am) 4 truths about me and than this post is finished: 1) I rush into things, there tends to be an "on" and "off" switch, no varying intensities (not sure if thats a good thing) 2) I am young to be into all of this 3)I am afraid of my emotions 4)I have a good sense of what i like
