"even when you know the words, sometimes it's okay to just hum" I am not sure what it is with my life recently, but I have this feeling of it not being real. Parts of it just seem like a dream. I think that's the overwhelming feeling I have about my weekend. In the leather community sometimes I feel like this observer. When I was younger I remember sitting atop the stairs just listening to the movies that my family would watch (I was too young to see the R rated ones). I got the gist of the movie and saw glimpses of it. And though the next morning I could recite scenes word for word, I never got the whole movie. That's what it feels like, I know what to do, I know how to do it, and I a pretty good at it. But part of me feels like I still don't get it. I mean really get it. Okay so lets get into my weekend, I drove down to the Sir I was seeing on Friday afternoon. I ran up to see him and we began to make out. I was worried that I would not llike him, or find him as attractive as I did in his images. That faded as soon as I got through the door, and the relief of it all just came out in make-out form. From there we retired to his bedroom and played for a bit. After we came he ordered dinner, I know this sounds weird, but at first I didn't feel all that dominated, I mean it was there in his kiss, I could feel him being in control. However it was absent in his actions at points, he was trying to be a good host to me. This sounds odd, but I want a guy to but his desires above mine, but I also want him to put my safety first. It seems that the kind of guy who puts himself first in the other areas forgets about my needs. But in terms of hotness of play I would prefer that to being worried about, which is undoubtedly unhealthy. The night progressed from there, that weekend I had made a promise that I would eat my own cum every time I shot. This in my opinion is a good plan, cuase it makes me back off, and think about the Dom I am with. In that I want to cum, but don't really want to taste it, so I hold off when I can and don't ask permission as much. By Saturday we had a good rhythm going I was nice and comfy with him. Laying in his arms feels really good, and sleeping in his bed. Literally I slept!!!! Which is amazing for me, it just feels nice. So I decided when I got up that I should stay a little longer. And resolved not to let my crush hamper my weekend fun. That night me and Sir went out for sushi with his friends. I felt so weirded out, my crush is friends with the Sir, I mean I knew he would be there. But it just felt strange, when I defined him as a guy I blow, and get beatings from, to know that he was there to just hang with. I found myself reverting the rude little kid I was in my youth. Not disobeying orders, just forgetting where I was, not asking permission, and interrupting like crazy. I got better as the night went on, and found myself realizing that I don't really want a relationship with anyone right now. I looked at my crush, looked at the Sir I was with, and saw so many other guys I would willing play with that I just came to the conclusion that I didn't really want to settle down. It was a weird feeling, and scary too, I mean I do so many stupid things, the desire to do stupid things with more people can only lead to trouble. On the ride I home I confided the thoughts to my crush, as he was the closest one emotionally to me. I know that he and I are not that close, because he tried to comfort me, and I just couldn't believe him. I know that sounds bratty, but he and I just aren't that close, and I am so untrusting and apparently good sex doesn't leave me as emotionally connected as I thought. By Sunday I was ready to go home, it was an awesome weekend, I got some nice marks and made a good... something. So all is well that ends well, but I get the feeling that something is looming on the horizon. And I can almost feel is coming. Scary.
- posted by G @ 10:27 PM