BLAH!
Friday, October 31, 2003
youth
Oh! I have a brother, this is not new, but we chatted tonight, here is what we chated about. RixtySeven: how's school Japyquack: i am dealing Japyquack: thinking about chicago RixtySeven: yeah, mom told me RixtySeven: why chicago Japyquack: its far wasy Japyquack: and i like that Japyquack: oh and cold Japyquack: (i know, i am a wierdo) RixtySeven: well, as long as you know Japyquack: lol Japyquack: but how are you and all that? your a junior now? RixtySeven: yeah RixtySeven: i'm good RixtySeven: i can understand wanting to be further away, but distance is never really a good reason to move. RixtySeven: and mom really worries about you RixtySeven: but i don't think that chicago is that bad a choice Japyquack: why does she worry? Japyquack: is that an everybody thing? RixtySeven: nah RixtySeven: it's a " I never know what he's doing" kind of thing RixtySeven: it's a joey thing RixtySeven: and it's a your her son thing RixtySeven: mom's tend to worry about their sons Japyquack: our mom loves to worry Japyquack: i think Japyquack: oh, grandma is gonna be close RixtySeven: yeah Japyquack: how wierd is that? RixtySeven: i heard RixtySeven: it's good Japyquack: dad's gonna be impossible RixtySeven: i think this will be better for dad Japyquack: for now yes, but when she dies, i wonder how he will deal RixtySeven: yeah, it'll be pretty hard RixtySeven: but onto brighter things RixtySeven: maybe you should take up something RixtySeven: instead of moving RixtySeven: i mean you are in the one place that everyone wishes they were in Japyquack: it's not what it used to be RixtySeven: nothing ever is Japyquack: i hear that RixtySeven: you should really consider joining something instead of just thinking about school work and sex Japyquack: thats not my whole life. Japyquack: what makes you think that? RixtySeven: thats good RixtySeven: well, it is most people's life RixtySeven: i wasn't referring to only you Japyquack: ahhh RixtySeven: but you are a stern and stern's are usually school, work and sex people RixtySeven: it's a fact Japyquack: is that true? i never chat with my family, though sis is married to a latin lover. RixtySeven: and food Japyquack: ahh food, i like food RixtySeven: are you unhappy in NY? RixtySeven: just because you feel like you should be experiencing different places? Japyquack: i think i am just... unhappy with my school, and want to exeprience new, but that always been my trouble, i want new. RixtySeven: yeah, but new doesn't have to be in chicago RixtySeven: new can be in ny RixtySeven: i mean, think about what you really want Japyquack: money, power, and freedom. RixtySeven: well, but not like that, I mean what you want, as in what would you do with your money power and freedom Japyquack: oh, travel i think RixtySeven: do you want to find love, do you want to be respected artistically, do you want to have a social group that goes out together and gossips a lot Japyquack: or, explore, maybe write a novel RixtySeven: well, writing a novel is a step in the right direction RixtySeven: so, maybe you should try hanging out with people who also want to write Japyquack: LOl Japyquack: stop with the advice, please :-) Japyquack: tell me more of your college life RixtySeven: OK RixtySeven: my college life is fun RixtySeven: i go to football games RixtySeven: parties RixtySeven: and i meet girls and try to have sex with them RixtySeven: and then i get good grades RixtySeven: and then I go to the pool or the driving range RixtySeven: and sometimes I drink too much RixtySeven: but florida state is where i want to be, lots of hot christian girls, and stupid drunk ex-jocks RixtySeven: very souther RixtySeven: southern RixtySeven: and people don't have to be serious all the time Japyquack: you fit into the later category still, right? RixtySeven: of course RixtySeven: people here, don't make a big deal out of life RixtySeven: i like that Japyquack: thats something i think i want too Japyquack: pretention lives in ny RixtySeven: well, thats not going to be different in chicago Japyquack: you think? Japyquack: i have been watching roseanne RixtySeven: ha Japyquack: it tells a different story RixtySeven: i was in chicago a few years ago RixtySeven: with sarah RixtySeven: when i visited her in wisconsin RixtySeven: it sucks Japyquack: i have been there RixtySeven: yeah, it's like a smaller, colder, ny Japyquack: it's cold, but has a strong fag comunity, and some cool bars. RixtySeven: yeah, and ny doesn't? Japyquack: there are a lot of gays here, just not a community Japyquack: i have some chill friends Japyquack: but i want someplace far away Japyquack: mom keeps egging me to come home every weekend Japyquack: and dad wants lunch Japyquack: Family is in with his E&Y this year i think Japyquack: i want to be someplace that i can't do that RixtySeven: joey, i garuntee there's some poor, little, in-the-closet gay kid, who is stuck in a christian, right-wing, conservative town in alabama, who wants to kick you in the nuts right now. RixtySeven: if you can't find what your looking for in ny (and it's not warmer weather) then you need to think about what you're really looking for. Japyquack: hmm Japyquack: agree RixtySeven: http://newyork.craigslist.org/grp/ Japyquack: time to bounce :-) Japyquack: why do you always try to fix my life? RixtySeven: craigslist is the key to ny cities fun side Japyquack: u ever used it? RixtySeven: yep RixtySeven: for comedy clubs RixtySeven: and most people use it to find roomates Japyquack: ahhh back when you were gonne be an actor, you and nate still writting? RixtySeven: nah, i'm making a lot more music RixtySeven: and still writing jokes Japyquack: ahhh Japyquack: cool RixtySeven: Here's some more advice: if you don't want advice, then don't talk to me. Japyquack: i know, it's part of the "rob" RixtySeven: yep RixtySeven: always will be RixtySeven: but, i'll tell you this, i'm impressed with everything you've done so far Japyquack: okay, well i am gonna bounce, have a hppay halloween, or whatever. RixtySeven: and i'm happy that you've made some good friends Japyquack: And i you rob, and i you. RixtySeven: allright RixtySeven: have a good one That is my brother, the kid who flunked out of his sophomore year of highschool because he decided that beer and pussy were better than math. The kid who knocked my front teeth out when I was little ( I asked him to, they were loose). The one who gave me my knee scar. And the one who consistently proves to be my rival. At 2 and a half years difference you would think he is light years ahead of me. But he is not, he ran off to Florida last year, after taking a semester off to “try comedy” (read: drink and sleep). Argh… so why do I care that he is proud of me? Stupid family.. grrrr. Okay, I go sleepies now, Oh I talked with Sean, who continues to give me personality erections. I plan to
Okay, last night, I threw myself out there, calling a man to tell him I wanted to be with him that night. It didn’t work, I slept alone, but I always find myself to be hyper critical of myself for wanting that. But asking for it felt really good, that nice ballsy feeling. The best part being this, he wants to see me when I am in Chicago. And I guess he didn’t know I wanted him that way until I called. Oh well, 11 pm phone calls are weird that way. I am going out to Boston in a week, holy fucking shit. This should be crazy, fun, and probably damaging, however, I am excited, been awhile since I got damaged. Sir DJR is what I like to call a philosophy-fuck. Meaning he not only talks during sex, but tells you about life. It is My favorite kind of sex persona. Oh! Unrelated, Friday night I am going to top a man, at a party…when did I flip so much, I can’t wait to be beaten next week, Please don’t let me fall though, you know the kind. So, Sir DJR, and Daddybear, what will 3 guys do on a weekend together?
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Note to future self: You are happy right now, remember this feeling, you've been told it won't last.
Friday, October 24, 2003
WOOOOOooooHHHHooooooOooooOooooo Why? Jeez, I don’t know, call me mr. Peaks and Valleys. Call me mr. can’t read his emotions. Call me Mr. Possibly Bi-polar (not really). But for whatever reason, I am happy, let me tell you why I think that is. I had a good night, I went out to club with some friends, it was nice to hang with people my age. BUT! The big thing isn’t the hanging out. It was the seeing life on the greener side. As much as I may explore s/m, I am still not comfortable with it. I always wonder how much easier my life would be as a vanilla shake. Shave the beard, buy some AnF, or Express, or T, and hit the clubs. Well I did that ,and I liked it, but then we leave, and as we are walking back talking about our lives, the drama starts. “I like him, he’s cute, why’d you kiss him” all that shit that comes from lack of communication. “I danced with him because he looked hot, but I came back with you cause I wanted too.” I don’t know I am sorta rambling, but here is how I see it as fucked up and crazy, and loony I feel/am… I have net. I am not tap dancing without instructions, nor diving blindly anymore. Tonight I realized how the “normal” gay cultural ideal works. You get thrown in young, get used and beaten, then figure it out on your own. They worship the idols of youth, and no one’s ever perfect. Prime example! “hey your hot.” “no, I am not, I’ve got love handles.” It was weird at first, I remembered it from my past how the conversations were supposed to go, but I lacked the desire for it. So I spent the night grinding with my friend, and the occasional admirer. I don’t know where I am, or if I will go again, but, like BikerM told me “you got a leather family here.” No worries, I got something to fall back on. Tommorow I do fire play, TMP is going okay, we shall see if it works
Thursday, October 23, 2003
WOOHOO
I went out last night, after talking with VJ on the phone for an hour. So I went to the eagle, I have been down the last couple nights, and I couldn’t figure out why. Put it hit me last night. Well it’s been hitting me I’ve just been ignoring it. But last night, I was talking to a friend, “I think you just don’t know what you want.” There, that’s it. I don’t know what I want. It sucks, but it’s deal able. And I guess I just hate to admit when I don’t know something. Oh well, he also said “give it time” Flogging on Friday, he had to cancel Wednesday. But I am excited.
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
Side note: What the hell is with me and wanting things, then running from them? I am convicened if i got everything i wished for, i would leave the country. Oh! and i am checking out chicago in December. And! i set up TMP for december 5, so that should work out (4 confirmed so far) So, here is hoping for the best for now. Sorry, the last blog was heavy, come wednesday i promise a flogging story :)
I don’t want love. I am making conscience efforts to avoid it. But then I look back at my life and doesn’t add up in certain places. I am feeling quasi lonely. But more to the point, I feel like I don’t have much beyond sex. I mean I can pull off witty conversation, and list my “interests” with precision (camping, hiking, football, and reading). Manly, all of them, but are the true? I loved football at 16, camping haven’t done in 2 years, and hiking is the same. Books I like. It’s like I hit 17, found sex, and gave up on other social things. So then I have this talk with Conc (we played), I like him, so I ran, and buried myself in a weekend of decadence. Star….21: ur a whore Japyquack: no! Japyquack: tonight i rejected love. Star….21: and on friday you bailed out in order to meet a guy at a club to bone his ass and on saturday you bailed out in order to meet a group of guys at a club to bone their asses. Japyquack: well...yeahh Japyquack: i have sorta been wierd lately. Japyquack: i can cop to that. Star…21: i know you have.. putting sex before everything.. except this time you lost. He met a girl. We can’t fool around. And partially, there is relief, it closes that door. But on the other hand….there is the other hand. So tonight I found myself at XL, a local twink bar that I detest, I went with a friend from school to see “frenchie” the chick from American idol who did bondage films. I had a good time, I talked to strangers about life and politics, one or two would ask for my number, I would refuse, and say “I don’t think it would be a match, but lets talk at NYBC sometime” I loved it for those moments, spare me the rude bartenders, the snotty crowd, the bland techno beat. But talking about things… it’s getting me hot. No, not hot, but something more than lame after sex conversation with my hookups would be nice. Something like, the one I had with sue tonight. Sue and I chatted. Spoke about how we feel were fucked up, she told me this bi-guy hated me cause I bragged about hooking up (bi-guys, in general, are morons). I don’t brag, I just tell you when I do it, there’s nothing to hide. I got to hear about her fears, her worries, her life (a tiny bit of it). And I wished that I could tell her mine (that’s the new part). I know I write a whole bunch about my fears, and that this sounds stupid. But to talk about the parts of you, that you hide, is something I can’t do. My surface one’s I can tell about easily. It’s the one’s that I don’t talk about that I want to. So, where does this put me? I am going to go out to a club on Thursday, with some 18 y/o kids, on Sunday, I am gathering some of my peers to play football. But on Wednesday, I am gonna get tied up, and on Friday I have a fire play demo, and on Saturday, I will be at the eagle. I am gonna find a balance. Even if it means tipping the scales for a bit. P.S. this is the e-mail from the top I see on Wednesday: “you come ready in mind to surrender...to give yourself away.” I think I will.
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
I went to the gay erotic expo yesterday with a friend of mine and his friends. I guess it was a date, I think I failed it. But! On the walk home I hit on a stranger from the place. Southerner, he offered beer, I told him sex would be fine. We agreed to meet up today, but then I linked him to my world leathermen page. So I am not sure if it will happen. But what makes me miss that? I want this type of sex for a hookup. Though it’s been about 3 months since I did vanilla, so I am thinking of flipping for a bit. Sigh…. Oh and met a local, (real local) top online, we played, I hope to do it again. But I really do need to slow down, I can’t crash and burn like I did before. I hated that feeling.
Okay, here is the official how to get along with Joey guide: 1. Stand up for yourself …and me (I don’t mind protecting you, but I don’t want you to tell me when you think I am wrong) 2. Be confident, strong, and direct. 3. don’t betray my trust, it’s hard to win, easy to lose, and nearly impossible to get back. 4. give me space to be alone. 5. acknowledge the contributions I make, but don’t flatter me. 6. I often speak in an assertive way. Don’t automatically assume it’s a personal attack 7. When I freak out, that’s just the way I am, you don’t need to coddle me. 8. don’t try to protect me from the obvious, or from anything for that matter. Warn me, but don’t tell me no. Doesn’t seem very boyish, does it? But then again, maybe it does. this is me. bring it. -joey
I kissed, and got head from CONC! Who is conc? He is the 19 y/o fun man, that I want to play with. And will make into my willing sex bunny soon. Anyway. I met DADDYBEAR and SIR. Why the full names? Cause they deserve them, or something. I don’t know. It’s weird, it’s irksome, I am trying very hard not to expect much. But to deny my supreme attraction is stupid, I am pretty sure I will have a good time. Though, there are worries, I will have to ask permission to touch, lick, kiss, bite, nibble, blow, or spit upon any part of their bodies. I don’t like having to ask permission for that. But at the same time, with his mouth inches from me, he breath hitting my face with that hint of cigar smell still on his beard, I was in heaven talking to Sir. Then smelling DaddyBear took me over. As Sir, punched me a little, did some pressure point play. I wasn’t even supposed to meet them this early on I am a month away, but something about running into them at a bar makes it all feel more real. Nothing planned, just sort of happened (admittedly, I am also thinking “would I have killed you to call me, so I could have been on my hands and knees”). But even if they had called, they wouldn’t have taken me home. I don’t know if it’s draw it out, or just for the hell of it, or a denial thing (cum denial isn’t the only way to keep a boy focused, kiss denial sucks too). Sigh I can’t control them, can I? I know it’s not how it works, you don’t get to map out your relationship, or get to know the tops plans. But I can’t kill the desire to find out. I WANT THE ANSWERS NOW. Yes, now, right now. So, then where does that leave me? I like 2 guys from Boston. That’s it. The rest is in my head I suppose.
Monday, October 13, 2003
So I am sickly and I need to find a doctor to prescribe me some cipro. I still haven’t cum! But that will change tonight, one way or another. I had an orgy on Saturday (they didn’t let me cum). I found out why the tops I was planning on playing with dropped our date. One of them doesn’t like me as much as the other. Thus creating no chance to play with both. there is so much to write. But I gotta go cum. Out for now. -joey
Saturday, October 11, 2003
Woohoo Okay, when I top, I have all sorts of anxiety. I don’t get shaky or nothing, but I have the overwhelming urge to stop and ask the bottom “hey, am I doing alright, cause you can tell me if I am not.” But, for the most part, I don’t do that, (though I once kinda frekad out cause the guy yelled ow!) So, last night, I did fire play, wax play, light flogging, bondage, and ass play (really light). Fireplay was fun, I had him jerk off while I was dripping wax all over him. Oh! And got to use my casting stuff which is fun as all hell. In something unrelated to that news, I went to a bar too see S&M (two hot guys who I want to play with more). I was so horny in the bar I wound up humping S’s leg a little. We kissed a bunch and talked shop. I was all set too give up a lot more control until I got a call today. S cancelled (of the two I talk to him the most), but more than cancelled, he sort of cancelled any future plans and returned cum control. So I am going to e-mail him and ask “what’s up?” I don’t mind when things end, but I like stuff to be concrete. I have a piss poor social IQ about this stuff so I can’t really read people. Which is why, on the occasion when I get blown off I tend to get nervous about why, and wonder if I missed something. Me and VJ keep talking, but it’s so draining sometimes that I keep postulating the merits of trying to be friends with him. He’s pissed at me, and as I keep reviewing some of my old blogs, I think he has a right to be. When you call someone your boyfriend, they come first, and I don’t think I am capable of that yet. So I gotta say sorry, and leave it at that. One more thing! Sue and I saw KILL BILL, and while I don’t delude myself that like more than 4 people read this thing with any regularity (but those 4 kick ass), I want anyone who does to SEE THAT MOVIE. It’s just so good, when I saw the matrix, all I thought was “cool, but where is the gore” Although kill bill doesn’t have the huge CG effects that the matrix does, it delivers. Bloody, violent, good talking, and all the fat cut out (oh and it has a plot that rules). Nothing left here, I am gonna go out tonight, and meet some stranger, I plan to low my wad in style (it has been a week, after all).
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
oh and another wierd tidbit, i have decided 5 am is like another person in my life. We are always trying to see eachother. but it always seems to be rushed when we do.
A thought just hit me like a brick. I don’t want a collar, I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want friends. I don’t really want anything. I don’t want sex, I don’t want love. I don’t want heaven, I don’t want hell. Sorry this is getting way too poem like. I want a home. That’s all, it’s been about 7 years since I had a place that was mine. I had my room when I was 12, then I got shipped off to boarding school. So I knew that the room I lived in during the year was not mine. The one I lived in when I was home was not mine either. The quiet bliss of summer would only give way to another school year at Cushing academy. Then when I got out the school and hit up public school my room was only there as a temporary refuge from my parents and the in-between I lived in from when I was going to school and when I would be at college. Even during my year off I planned on getting an apartment. But now that season that comes once a year to kick my ass is upon us. Most people hate Valentines Day because it reminds them of their own lack of relationship (the truly cynical point out how it’s just a holiday to take advantage of chocolate season). But this is the season where I become closest to becoming depressed. I could never figure it out, not really, I always thought it was just that I had to see my family again. But as the years have rolled by, and I got the license and developed my sense of avoidance that allows me to bypass most of the big holiday brew “haha”, I still get all moopey. So, something was/is up. Then tonight it hit me! I want a place to go for the holiday’s, not literally had to go, but some place that I want to be. Does that sound nuts? I mean it’s not just about having a room someplace, but like, a home that wants me. Oh my. That was telling. But fuck it, while I am making demands of the universe… That’s what I want in like 5 years. A place that makes me happy for Hanukah. And all that random stuff. On an unrelated note: I officially have severe jealously for www.geekslut.org and would like to extend mild hatred toward him and his life. And on a related note: I saw the top online today (the one that I am doing cum control with). I said hi, and I got nothing back… curse technology. I plan to continue and check back tomorrow. But man I wanna call him late night and ask to cum
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
Okay, i am done resisiting, i am done telling myself over and over that i don't want something that i clearly do. I want to be trained, i want to be a better boy. I am not sure i want a collar, i don't think i want a relationship. but I want someone to come into my life, and tie me up, beat me, have me blow him and then not let me cum until "you do better". So now what do i do? well i keep sleeping around until one of hookups blue balls me. Or until boston where i will meet some men who will hopefully play an important role in my devolpment.
Monday, October 06, 2003
Oh, and whats the deal with me and relationships? I think i figured it out. I don't wanna make sacrifices, i don't wanna lose out on fun. But then, sometimes, when the mood is right, i want to be with a guy and know him that way. But then it hit's me that it would mean i couldn't go home with someone else. Is that fucked up? Sometimes i think i just haven't met the right guy. other times i think i have, several times, and just rejected the idea. But who knows? Sigh, i am happy were i am, but i think i suffer from the desire to know if i would be happier elsewhere.
“WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU GO TO CHICAGO?” it’s the question I am most asked since my thoughts of it. And for the longest time I didn’t know. It was just this longing, a sort of “get the hell out of here” longing. Then it hit me last night. I want to go someplace where I don’t know anyone, where I can… not be alone, but where I don’t have a safety net of friends waiting close by. I have that in 4 cities, Boston, DC, and Burlington VT. I don’t wanna move out to the west coast cause there aren’t any colleges I really love out there. And Chicago is like the kink capital of the world. But I am not sure I like the city. So, what’s a boy to do? Well, he travels, I am going to apply there, worst case? I don’t get in and a stay here, OR, I decide to stay here. Either way, I am not really worried. I want crazy this weekend, I met several men, and lost my cum load for a week. Okay, so Wednesday I met that guy, (the controlling one). Then Thursday I met a guy who was very nice, then Friday I met controlling again, and told him I would not cum till Sunday . Saturday I met 4 guys, 2 of them a couple I had been flirting with, and finally was like “hey, tie me up?” The other 2 were nice folks, one’s a bottom. The other is a super hot top named GrayL. GrayL is into identity play, I.E. I give him my wallet, and he uses it, or take my id and pretends to be me. Maybe leave me tied up and goes out wearing my clothes. I am “too young” for his tastes, but I think I have a shot, if I can make 80’s references and watch some 70’s t.v. Shows. Sunday I met up with TCO (The Controlling One). Turns out he has a boyfriend whom he lives with (which I would have known had I been paying attention to the words as opposed to the mouth). But that worked out, his boyfriends hot! After some confusion, I went home with him and his lover TCO2. We played, and I tried to drink piss, which I told them I do, but not well. So I said I thought I could handle it, if I drank it all I could cum that night, if not, I would give up cum control for a week. The latter happened, but they let me cum that night which was good. Today is a no though, Wednesday is the only likely day. I dragged mike out to a bar last night, he hated it, but I promised I would. Truth be told I was looking forward to playing with Tony (my 19 y/o kinkster) but I like to keep my promises. Tony and I are on for Monday or Wednesday next week. so I am looking forward to it!
Thursday, October 02, 2003
Unrelated to the rest of my life I went I out tonight, hit up the eagle and met a man in leather who knows how to flog (I would have gone home with him but I have a math test tomorrow) and he asked if I wanted to call him to ask if I could cum. Close, controlling, hot, and leathered. Please dear Jesus, ignore my being a Jew for a moment, and the major atheist streak, and the homosexuality, and grant me that he is a nice guy who is not bullshitting me, nor in the midst of some crippling addiction. Thank you. Oh, and unrelated note: I have learned how to do the Chinese knockout game. Which essentially is a game you play when you want to knock your friends out, or get knocked out by them. A total act of trust. It’s fun!
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
I am doing something very unheathy at the moment. I have begun to fantasize about moving to Chicago. Why? It has a good school, some nice people and more kink that one can shake a stick at. Currently there are two schools I would consider attending there. Depaul, and Loyola. But transfer students don’t get much in the way of scholarships, so Loyola, though less of a college, is the front runner. Plus I could still be an EMT part time over there as my New York State license would transfer (post some tests). Mind you, it’s not anything serious, but it’s this weird longing I have. I am probably just romanticizing that city. The worst of it, is that I am having fun here, I love this city, it’s not without it’s issues, but it has a lot of goodness to it. I am never without something to do, or kids to go out with. Last night, me and SSun went out to a dyke bar, then hit up another one, then grabbed coffee at the local shop. It’s all so much fun. And yet, on the college level, it all feels too easy, to beneath me. Admittedly I am just musing here, it’s early in the semester and there is much to left to do before the year is out. TMP is gonna happen this December, I have picked the bar in which it will take place, and now it’s a matter of organizing the people. The two 18 y.o I played with are calling, and I am getting to be a kid again. So, why am I wondering about Chicago? There is no one there in particular that I want to see, and I have not been there long enough at any point to know about the city. And maybe that’s it, I want to explore it, to go someplace I haven’t been and explore. To travel to a new place and make my way (like they did in the 70’s) . I know people almost everywhere, but Chicago is a town full of internet friends, and Oprah. No matter what I do, I need to keep my grades up, so that’s first and foremost. Which is why I am only going to go out tonight after I study.
