I don’t want love. I am making conscience efforts to avoid it. But then I look back at my life and doesn’t add up in certain places. I am feeling quasi lonely. But more to the point, I feel like I don’t have much beyond sex. I mean I can pull off witty conversation, and list my “interests” with precision (camping, hiking, football, and reading). Manly, all of them, but are the true? I loved football at 16, camping haven’t done in 2 years, and hiking is the same. Books I like. It’s like I hit 17, found sex, and gave up on other social things. So then I have this talk with Conc (we played), I like him, so I ran, and buried myself in a weekend of decadence. Star….21: ur a whore Japyquack: no! Japyquack: tonight i rejected love. Star….21: and on friday you bailed out in order to meet a guy at a club to bone his ass and on saturday you bailed out in order to meet a group of guys at a club to bone their asses. Japyquack: well...yeahh Japyquack: i have sorta been wierd lately. Japyquack: i can cop to that. Star…21: i know you have.. putting sex before everything.. except this time you lost. He met a girl. We can’t fool around. And partially, there is relief, it closes that door. But on the other hand….there is the other hand. So tonight I found myself at XL, a local twink bar that I detest, I went with a friend from school to see “frenchie” the chick from American idol who did bondage films. I had a good time, I talked to strangers about life and politics, one or two would ask for my number, I would refuse, and say “I don’t think it would be a match, but lets talk at NYBC sometime” I loved it for those moments, spare me the rude bartenders, the snotty crowd, the bland techno beat. But talking about things… it’s getting me hot. No, not hot, but something more than lame after sex conversation with my hookups would be nice. Something like, the one I had with sue tonight. Sue and I chatted. Spoke about how we feel were fucked up, she told me this bi-guy hated me cause I bragged about hooking up (bi-guys, in general, are morons). I don’t brag, I just tell you when I do it, there’s nothing to hide. I got to hear about her fears, her worries, her life (a tiny bit of it). And I wished that I could tell her mine (that’s the new part). I know I write a whole bunch about my fears, and that this sounds stupid. But to talk about the parts of you, that you hide, is something I can’t do. My surface one’s I can tell about easily. It’s the one’s that I don’t talk about that I want to. So, where does this put me? I am going to go out to a club on Thursday, with some 18 y/o kids, on Sunday, I am gathering some of my peers to play football. But on Wednesday, I am gonna get tied up, and on Friday I have a fire play demo, and on Saturday, I will be at the eagle. I am gonna find a balance. Even if it means tipping the scales for a bit. P.S. this is the e-mail from the top I see on Wednesday: “you come ready in mind to surrender...to give yourself away.” I think I will.
- posted by G @ 1:50 AM