BLAH!
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Parting thoughts.
I want so badly to bring this to some conclusion. So here it is. This blog is over, so now I direct you to the following, which I feel explains everything I’ve been though over the past 15 months. http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs5.html And this which explains life http://www.pleix.net/BeautyKit.html I figured I would go out with a laugh Oh, and if you want to, read the other blogs that link from mine, they are all amazing. Who are all those people?
Taboo weekend.
Okay, so my last blog entry will be about being collared. Gosh it was amazing, and beautiful. So very very wonderful, except for them not giving me any details until they happened. I don’t like surprises a whole bunch. Thursday night Daddybear took me to a concert! Rufus, Guster, Ben Folds… I yelled like a teenage girl and called and left alli messages of a song she liked. Friday! Daddybear, Bbro and I Went to a water park! It had been so long for all of us! So we ran around all day (okay I ran around, they walked fast). It was great! And that night Sir and Daddybear took us to see the movie Brother Bear…which is all about family and belief. I missed the point of the movie (they love eachother, and the guy remains a bear to protect the cub). But I could feel their heat next to me. And that was all I really needed/ wanted. The movie was really nice though, lots of colors! Saturday was amazing.I have a new name, I was gonna post it, but I think I want to reveal it in person and such. It’s more than a nickname, but mostly cause it was so lovingly picked for me. They had this ceremony, someone even came from DC! I can’t even describe it, but the apartment was filled with cigar smoke, and leather men, and I was trying hard not to just hit on all of them too much. But the most amazing part was when Sir and Daddybear knelt in front of me and Bbro. Their backs to us, shirtless. As a sign of their trust they had us drip some wax on them. Chills. It’s funny, in part, it was a party. And any description of it would portray it as such. But it felt like so much more. Bbro later pointed out that it was more or less that Sir and Daddybear were not only introducing us to their leather family, but also telling us that we could count on that family. Crazy huge. And I got a leather wristband. It smells like my wrist, and says I am Sir and Daddybear’s property. *warm fuzzies* I was going to go on and on…but I don’t think it’s necessary. It was…what I wanted it to be I think. Important, and big, but not unfriendly or scary, it was like the 2ndnight of Chanukah. You know the big part is over…but now you can enjoy what’s beginning. And there’s presents. Shiny leather presents, that are made from Sir’s first leather shirt. Mmm…boston Sirs, mine, mine, mine, mine. Who are all those people?
Hail.
I knew about the holocaust before I knew about most anything in American history. I read Anne Frank’s Diary for Hebrew school when I was 10. Schindlers list was one the only R-rated movies I was allowed to see. So I sort of find nazi’s hot. Not actual Nazis (hilter needed better facial hair for that). but every now and then, I’ll see some old show (Sirs have the wonder woman DVD) or some guy online with the double-8… and I’ll think “yeah, I could hit that” Just don’t expect me to be passive with a nazi. I think it’d be more fun to struggle a bit. But only if it’s make believe. Who are all those people?
Question 9!
Is there an overall message you'd like to leave your readers with after sharing your life/feelings/thoughts over the last 15 months? I wish I could bring this to some clichéd and glib ending. Something like “you can find what you want!” Eh, maybe not. I guess the simple thing is this. Over the past 15 months I spent a lot of time seeking things. Heavier scenes, better sex, wilder lifestyles, and a better life. None of which was really defined in my head. I would say I lucked out in finding my Sirs…but there’s more to it than that. Some guys want to find A Sir. Anyone to fill some perceived void, other shy away from the notion, preferring equality. I never meditated on it really, just jerked off to what I thought was hot. Okay! I got it. Relationships are relationships. None fake, none stupid, none that are ever more or less than what they are. I didn’t imagine having Sirs would be like this, nor did I really imagine having Sirs plural. The biggest thing I’ve learned from exposing my life is how every relationship I have (friends, hookups, other) is primarily defined by our choices for interaction. None of that makes sense. I choose sex for a long while, and reading over some of my previous entries I feel sort of foolish. I’ve forgotten a lot of their names (the hookups, not the friends), and it’s shameful to blow off people to blow people. I think we all put too much focus on sex, online has done that more to the leather community than anything else. We find sex partners when we need companions or we find boyfriends when we need friends. Maybe it’s because of Leather weekends that we feel an urgency to be whipped, or maybe it’s because everyone is so mobile that local communities fall apart. I don’t know. I’ve learned that you can’t change the actions of the world at large, but you can keep your eyes open. Most of what you want is near you. I’ve got a really great community of leather in new york. It consists of some great guys that I know. it’s just smaller than most. None of that makes sense either. Who are all those people?
Question 8!
what about you is the most different from the day you started the blog to the day your ending it and why? My second entry in the blog was this: “Okay, so i have a made a rule, i will not edit the content of these blogs once i post them and i will not edit them as i type them (beyond grammar and spelling)... So lets get right into it (thats just the kind of guy i am) 4 truths about me and than this post is finished:1) I rush into things, there tends to be an "on" and "off" switch, no varying intensities (not sure if thats a good thing)2) I am young to be into all of this3)I am afraid of my emotions4)I have a good sense of what i like” Some of that feels like it was a different person. And some of it feels way to close to me still. I still rush into things, I’m still afraid of some emotions. I don’t feel young anymore, I don’t feel like I only have an “on/off” switch. But it’s not those things that really changed the most. Oh they changed, but not in any boundless crazy way. The biggest difference in me now, is my sense of what I like. When I first wrote that I had a good sense of what I like, I meant that I could tell you what kind of fruit I enjoyed, and how I liked to be tied up. I meant that I could predict how I would feel things, or tell you what I tought on anything. I was/ am a know it all. But, I didn’t know what I WAS LIKE. That’s the biggest change I think. I know me a lot better, and that means that I fear myself less. I don’t worry so much about my impulses, or my emotions (I still don’t like crying), or that I have a weird fear of the dark and zombies. That’s me. I know and accept myself more and more. That allows me to sing the strawberry shortcake theme without too much coaxing. And sometimes lets me apologies when I know the ADHD is acting up and I am poking Sir. It also lets me role over and beg for pettings, and licks, and cuddles. Cuase I know I like that stuff, and accept that. And the reason for that change? The Sirs. It’s hard to explain. Their acceptance of the parts of me I considered shameful (and some parts I still do) let me accept them a little more. As it became okay to show those parts of me, I came to know them more. And then I became okay with some of those things, a lot of them in fact. So I went from knowing what I like to Liking what I know a lot more. And knowing a lot about what I am like. Pretty cool, huh? Who are all those people?
question 7
You've made clear what your goals are for the leather community.
What are your goals as a (in this order)
1. Son and Brother?
Jeez. Son? Nothing
Okay, not nothing. I would love to make my father proud of me. Have him really excited to be my dad, ya know? and same goes for my mother. I want to be bragged about at synagogue.
Brother wise?
I guess I want to be an example for him. A rock, and basically be around. I don’t want us distant. We are now…but I want him to feel like he can call me.
2. Friend?
I’m working on this. I want to be there for my friends. Show up for the big events and just genuinely be there. Showing up is like 90% of friendships. I’m a bit flakey, and I don’t want to be that kid anymore.
3. Collared boy?
I want to make them happy. Learn how to serve better, take more, understand more. Do everything…but better. Oh! And teach Sir patience, he says I’m helping him learn it.
And turn them on, I like doing that.
Question 6
How has this blog helped you, and how has it hurt or cost you?
As above, mostly the help has come from learning to accept certain things. And feeling less alone. Most e-mails I got were not questions, or advice, but things like “I love your blog” or “You seem so interesting” reading that is great.
Hurt me?
I guess it has hampered some communications I could/ should have had. Sending specs this address when a phone call or a carefully worded e-mail might do? Bad.
Flipping out on here when I first went into training when I should have told them? Bad.
It’s not done anything drastic to me. It’s wierded out it’s fair share of internet hookups, And led to many strange conversations, and pissed off some people. But again. Nothing that I couldn’t have done myself.
It’s biggest flaw and biggest benefit is that people can get a real feel for me just by reading this thing. And that allowed me to go without calling sometimes.
No more them saying “oh I read that in your blog!”
No more me saying “oh I just bloged about that!”
Now I use the phone.
I will miss the sheer narcissism of it. But I’ll live.
Who are all those people?Question 5
What have you learned from Bloging?
All experiences are not universal. That being said, most experiences resonate within us.
My take on flogging may be how you feel about water sports.
Your take on piercing may be my view on love. Who the fuck knows?
I would love to tell you I learned a lot about myself through bloging, but I don’t think that’s true. I came to accept what I knew about myself through bloging, but most of my understanding has come from play and of course.. the Sirs.
Doing this has helped a lot to come to sort out emotions though, anger, hurt, those sorts of things.
It was definitely worth it.
Sunday, July 11, 2004
Question 4!
If you had to pick the way you would die, what would it be? and what do you think would be the worst/most horrible way to die? morbid! Of course KYA would ask that. I want to die old, and peacefully asleep. Like my grandfather... not screaming and terrified like the other 4 people in that car. HEhe I think i would like to be 87 or more. Healthy and mentally aware surrounded by loved ones. Worst way? in prison. No one ever dies happy in prison. Who are all those people?
Question 3!
so you'd rather have a master over a BF? Yes, and no. I've never really wanted either. Not in any affirmative screaming "i want a ___ sort of way." I wanted sex. I want sex. and Kink, and bondage and spanking and pain and all that. But the people and relationships behind those experiences were never anything i thought about. Sirs, and domination, and being collared...they have been part of my fantisies. But i hadn't met anyone that i thought of in that way (who reciprocated it). So i guess i was never openly seeking it. But i wanted it. Now...would i take a some nameless faceless boyfriend over my current Sirs? No. not now, not ever. Anyone i meet or plan on dating would have to be comfortable with thier place in my life. Hell, he would probably have to enjoy that aspect of me. So yes, i would rather have my Sirs of a boyfriend. But no, i would not blindly choose a Sir over a Boyfriend if all things were equal. though the point is moot. As the two are not mutually exclusive (with me anyway) Who are all those people?
Question 2!
Oh, okay, got one. How are things going to be different for you when you've been collared, than they are now? Okay, when you get hired for a job, they usually tell you that you have a certain numbber of months on probation. Essentially they want to see if you are a match for that company. Collaring has worked sort of like that for me. They want me, and in the begining they wanted me too. There had to be a space of time for us to be sure we wanted each-other and they it was (as Sir would say) "a good fit." That was the trail period. With the collaring it is about them giving me a lot responsibility i suppose. And me giving them a lot of trust. And Vice versa. It's making it official more than anything. and man am i glad to be official. Who are all those people?
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Question 1!
"If you could be anything you want - fireman, ballerina, nuclear safety technician - what would it be? Don't say you don't know. Tell us. Thanks. " ScriptWriter for a TV show of my creation. I think that would be a really cool job. Not only would i control the actors, but it would be fun to see my thoughts on the TV! nerdy i know, but eh, i'm nerdy I would also willing become superman. Who are all those people?
Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Something Definitive.
It’s gonna be over… So I am planning on giving a summation. But before I do that…here is my humble request. E-mail me a question. I will answer them all (I can’t imagine there will be too many). I’ll post what I can. I want to live this without any gaping holes of unfilled questions. I know there will be…but this will alleviate them I hope. Who are all those people?
Sunday, July 04, 2004
All good things..
As i type this. this will be my 280th blog posting. In two weeeks. I am no longer posting a blog. So...what can you do? E-mail me. Send me crap. Tell me what you want to see. 2 weeks. I get collared next week. I blog about that. and then it's over. I want to put something deep. But it's more or less that this time has come. I may start doing something else...less personal. But we shall see. 2 weeks. But my e-mail will always be there :) Who are all those people?
Friday, July 02, 2004
DRUGS!
I keep hearing about this “over medicated society” that we live in. There are pages on how ADHD doesn’t exist. Depression is a myth. “You’re not sick! You’re stupid!” Fuck that. I have ADHD. It sucks. Sigh… It’s all encompassing too. And that’s the part that sucks. Today at work I came out about it. Being gay never bothered me a lot. Being kinky never left the too bad a taste in my mouth, It fucked (fucks?) with me sometimes. But I wouldn’t remove it from me. And I would pick being gay over straight any day. But the ADHD? I’d cut it from me if I could. I hate it. There are these pills. When I don’t take them I am different. I can’t focus. Talking to me is hard. I can’t remember tasks. And even on the pills I have certain limitations. It just sucks. And I can feel it wear off too. Tonight I got home from work and looked down to see this bleeding scratch on my hand. That sucked. Not that I walk around all day cursing ADHD. It’s goes largely unnoticed. Except the mornings, when I take the pill. And the nights when it wears off and I still have a project to do. But i hate it. It’s why I try not to think about it. I hate the pills. I hate the idea that I need them. I hate that I need them. I hate that (some)people feel like it’s not real. And I hate that I feel different on them. So I don’t think about it. mmmm…Sirs tomorrow. And girlfag the day after ? DRUGS! I keep hearing about this “over medicated society” that we live in. There are pages on how ADHD doesn’t exist. Depression is a myth. “You’re not sick! You’re stupid!” Fuck that. I have ADHD. It sucks. Sigh… It’s all encompassing too. And that’s the part that sucks. Today at work I came out about it. Being gay never bothered me a lot. Being kinky never left the too bad a taste in my mouth, It fucked (fucks?) with me sometimes. But I wouldn’t remove it from me. And I would pick being gay over straight any day. But the ADHD? I’d cut it from me if I could. I hate it. There are these pills. When I don’t take them I am different. I can’t focus. Talking to me is hard. I can’t remember tasks. And even on the pills I have certain limitations. It just sucks. And I can feel it wear off too. Tonight I got home from work and looked down to see this bleeding scratch on my hand. That sucked. Not that I walk around all day cursing ADHD. It’s goes largely unnoticed. Except the mornings, when I take the pill. And the nights when it wears off and I still have a project to do. But i hate it. It’s why I try not to think about it. I hate the pills. I hate the idea that I need them. I hate that I need them. I hate that (some)people feel like it’s not real. And I hate that I feel different on them. So I don’t think about it. mmmm…Sirs tomorrow. And girlfag the day after ? Who are all those people?
Pride
OH My G*D. I am a complete and total teenage girl. Somewhere between the last post and this one. I tasted 15 men. It was this crazy desire that grew inside me as the weekend approached. I wanted to tangle myself in sex. And man did that work out. Saturday night: Cricket and Tophilosopher and I meet up. We gab for a bit and then hang out in the bar. I have been there for a bit longer then them (2 hours, 4-5 tongues) but life is good. As we hang out by the pool tables I run into this couple from San Diego. Well technically I meet one of them first. But I have devolped this 2nd sense about couples. Couples are any man I am attracted to who has a friend I also find hot. Irregardless of how. I begin making out with the both of them. Suddenly, a hand is slipped in my pants. It starts to play with my cock. End of story? I saunter over to the kissing Cricket and Tophil and point to a spot on the floor… “see that? That’s my cum.” I slept well that night. Next morning I was up at 9 to get over to the aids hospice at 10:00 which I made at 10:30. I helped them set up brunch, and then take it down. I left at around 12:00, got up to Cricket by 12:30 to watch the parade with him. Kin stopped by at around 1:30 with his Daddy who was in from San Diego and we all watched the parade together. At 4:30 we hit up Weehawken street. That was fun. Not more no less. But I didn’t go home with anyone. Not for lack of opportunity though. Somewhere along the line I just thought… “why am I doing this?” Never think that if you want to sleep with a stranger. I spent the rest of the night contemplating that thought as I stuck my tongue in the mouths of babes. I just don’t know. it’s like I shift back and forth. I want sex, but what kind? With whom? And after? Is it worth the wait of getting to know someone? Do I even want to know them? I have no clue. But I have so many possibilities for sex. So I am going to whittle it down. I think I’m just spinning a bit. It’s this strange feeling in me. I want something… Just need to define it. So I wasn’t penis out. But since I can do that any weekend, what makes pride so damn special? Next time… we go for substance… Kidding. Next time we go for 12 different men. Who are all those people?
