BLAH!
Monday, June 30, 2003
Enge spent the night here this saturday. I had sex under the roof of my childhood home. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was nuts, crazy, fun. oh gosh, i loved it. we had to be quiet as i beat him, i muzzled him (thank you Cute Red), i blindfolded him, used clothes pins on him, tied up his balls. my gosh, it was fun. the small adventure of it all was nice, it prepped me well for sunday. Anyway. Saturday: Enge came over at like 10 pm, and we hit the city, we met up with TIm and his sis, i took them to CBGB (straight, rock bar), mike and made out, ten we moved on to Heaven, stonewall, and another couple places. Enge saw his ex, and introduced me, we left Tim and Sis to hit up the eagle. We met a couple of nice guys and hung out until 3-4. We went back to my place and and played (see above). Sunday was an adventure in and of it self, i need sleep, it's been a while since i did that. more tommorow.
Saturday, June 28, 2003
Okay so i got a call last night, and would up going out on a night i planned to stay in on. I stayed out way too late, which is kind of a theme on nights when io try to stay in. Sabs grandfather died, and she wanted to get her mind off it. We spent the night collecting orange cones and leaving them on doorsteps. anyway we got to talking, i spoke with her about fridays supremely early post. she informed me what a massive tool i am. Apparantly the desire to date a person can come quickly. And with crushes, it can be overwhelming. So i am felling a little better about the whole thing. Enge is coming out for sunday, i still want to play with Red that day so i am not sure what i will do. I guess Enge will find some fun for a few hours while i see mine. Or i will dedicate the day to him and see Red next wednesday or something. oh well, i will set uo at some point, i am excited to see Tim, and the crew for Sunday, it will be interesting to see how Enge gets along with them. It will most definatly be a good day!
Friday, June 27, 2003
Hmmm, a thought permeates one that should have a long time ago. I am on the verge of this new thing and so I of course re-examine the old ones. I read too much into my relationship with my crush I think. It feels really messed up to think that, but it’s true. Sigh, I hate being wrong, and man was I wrong, it’s weird, I am not sure what brought these thoughts on. Well I do, I am considering dating and I worry that I am misreading it again. Sigh, unsure never did fit me well. It doesn’t affect anything, I will act how I act it all just brings worries. Damnit, truthfully I feel less emotionally independent than I did a year ago. Which I guess is a good thing, but still weird. I need to give my crush a new name, Specs, short speciousness, no need to explain. Damnit, I was nuts, I guess that’s what a crush is about right? The weird thoughts? The desire to impress? Oh well, I am not sure I am over it all, but I can say that I am not under it I suppose. I am sticking with the fuck and run theory to my universe for a bit I think, but hell, who knows anymore. I am learning that one cannot predict things in this emotion game. One thing bothers me though, Specs told me to talk to a friend of his “he can give you something” and from what I have gained, he (his friend) is not someone I would strive to be like, or desire to really know. I wonder if Specs compares us (me and his friend), and considers me akin to him. I am listening to Matt Nathanson tomorrow, his music helps clear the mind with it’s inane Christian rock style. No wait I am not done, okay so here’s the part that bothers me. That I am capable of that kind of construct (big words tonight). I have no fucking clue about Specs, I don’t know him well. We have met three times I think, and yet I wanted to date him. Okay I think I am done with ranting. I need to lay in bed and sleep or something like that.
Thursday, June 26, 2003
Whoops, okay so i am moron who needs to read his email, next weednesday was the meet up. i had a good time none the less, i met up with Cute Red (cute 50 y/o in the city) after hitting GMSMA meeting. it was wierd... i know people. i got head nods and such. I used to have this fear of two of my hookups meeting, now they go to convetions together (there were 4 that night) and i don't bat an eye. anyway, i left early from the meeting (they were doing questions from the audience, i hate when people do that. explore the phhysical, then the mental is my thought). Anyway i went over to see Cute Red, i had been feeling down about work, but wednesday i got an interview for work at metrocare brooklyn, so i am hoping. So i was feeling better, when i got to CuteRed's he showed me the cuffs and mask that came in so woohoo! he didn't get to try them on me, but when the straitjacket comes in, i intend to free up a good 6 hours. I am gonna see Enge this weekend, and i a supposed to call Snake, though i am becoming quickly booked for parade stuff, Tim wants me to show him the sites as well as his little (19 y/o) sister. so we shall see. I guess Enge will meet Tim, and we shall see what happens, it's tiem i get over myself.
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
status quo, and work woes. So wednesday i see Dad E. woohoo, got his fathersday gift! i love buying presents, work sucks, and i need a new (emt related) job. booo it all, i can be poor all summer i suppose oh well, no need to worry, money shall be tight for a bit, but hopefully i will learn something. my rents are giving me 400 a month for college, with my new found respectr for my Father, i have accepted it. so at least i don't have to worry about needing more than a part time job durring the school year. oh an well i am ranting, i found out i am the only one of brothhers and sister to have brwon eyes and dark hair. wierd.
Monday, June 23, 2003
Oh so that saturday night in the city, i saw Enge, met him at the waldorf where his ex/roomate/lover was staying. I don't know the deal they have something more than just an open relationship, but he is something less than single, i think his lover is what's comfortable. but Enge likes Kinky sex, and his lover doesn't. So alas Enge broke it off with him, but they live together and still care for one another.. Anway we went to the eagler where i met Topovertheedge, and talked about flogging and whipping and all that jazz. I saw the CuteRed, and asked to see him on wednesday, which didn't pan out, so next sunday, it's been a bit since i have spoken with him. He gave me some good advice and aproved Enge as a good guy, which kinda felt good. I spent the rest of the night kissing Enge, mostly. i did hand him off to some guy for about 20 minutes while i was talking to a very pretty, local top. Fun! Enge was turned on by, literaly, being handed off to someone else, but he told me he was happy to see me return. As the bar got quieter, we stode against the wall upstairs and i did breath control with him (more intimate than kissing, sometimes, he feels). We got pizza and i dropped him off at home. We'll see when i play with him next. I didnt introduce him to Tim, but Enge wants to come down for gay pride in NYC with me, so we shall see. On sunday i went to a graduation serimony for my old highschool, the BRIT was graduating so i had to attend, which was nice though it robed me of Folsom east, oh well next year! i plan to play with RED (the hot bottom) sometime next weekend. and i hope to see Dad somepoint soon. I have been kinda distant from everyone recently, so it's tiem to get back in the swing of things.
Moron, i am such a moron, i have long since gotten over the anger i had with my parents, i cstopped fighting them tooth and nail over the stupid things. and our relationship slipped into the comforting space of "distant". I mean i care for them, and don't wish them harm. Something clicked this weekend, i want to the movies with my father, and it clicked. I will never forgive my parents for a lot of the fucked up stuff that happened when i was kid (i could rattle off stories, but no need), sufice to say, they could have been better. But this weekend i realized they could have been worse. Anyway, on Saturday, i agreed to go with my father to see the Hulk. My father and i tend to be very similar, and i am reminded of that when we spend time together. I tried to pay for the movie, he had already printed out tickets, there is a kind of happiness he gets when he pays, i think it's for the same reasons i try to do it. It's a power move. I don't ever recall going to the movies with just my father and I, there were birthdays where we rented the theater to throw a party, or the occasional family outing when we used to see the cartoon disney films. But nothing where it was just me and him, work tended to get in the way of solo bonding. family time was all that could be afforded. The movie was okay, but it was after when the moment came. As me and my father talked about his old job at the IRS before he took the position at his current law firm. and suddenly it came out why he had taken it, i was born, and money was tight, and college would take even more. the small town of Reston VA, would not give a good education. So he took the chance knew the long hours would pay off. Shit. we call that a Eureka moment. I get it now, better life for the kids and all that. Maybe he resented me for causing him to have to work the longer hours, and lose contact with his family. Maybe he just didn''t want another kid. Or Maybe i cuased, angry with my dad for not being around, getting to listen to My sister and brother talk about camping and road trips that had happened before i was around. not that i had a bad childhood, far from it. road trips, became plan trips, or boat trips, or plays in the city. Camping became summer Camp, and all that. Sigh... it's stupid really. I just thought i had it all set up in my head correctly. Now it feels like i was holding the map upside down. and then the question arises... did i cause this? I mean, me and my older brother and elder sister only differ in age about 2 years (if memory serves). So my birth would certainly put a strain on the budget as sending us to college would essentialy mean paying 12 years worth of school in about 6. So did i cause this? On the ride home i told my father that i was heading into the city that night... he looked at me and asked why? i gave him the standard "if you don't really want to know, don't ask" and then the moment came, that made me realize the most important thing "that's such a tragedy, you know? it's terrible that that happened to you. i wish we could fix it" yes... there's a rift between me and my father, and in a lot of way's we are similar but at the end of the day? we don't mix well, i think the same is true of the rest of my family, and while i realize now there is a give and take, and that my parents had the best intentions. we have a rift, so who knows the future, but i guess i am coming back here for thanksgiving.
Friday, June 20, 2003
okay so i am dragging, Tim and his friend dave to the eagle of saturday, fun! plust Enge which means me making out in a corner with occasional "hey, are you blackbird?" so yeah it should be nice. i wonder if i moving things too fast with Enge. the progression of hookups with me goes somethign like this. i meet you we play together we play together a lot more then i tell you you matter to me, and maybe have you put something on my key ring. i might introduce you to one of my friends as a friend. we are then free to do stupid things like see a movie. you see, i don't really want a boyfriend, well most of the time. Anyway,friendup (hookup/friend) is the best a person can hope for really. And i am progressing Enge a lot faster than that. Maybe his is the first person i have been with who is into leather, and would be an acceptable person for my friends to meet (young, non-shaved head). Oh well, i am thinking this will be the extent of him meeting my friends, maybe Dad E. but beyond that. not sure, i will figure it out!
Thursday, June 19, 2003
okay, i have noticed this disturbing trend in me. I am not often doing things on my own. I have decided to make an effort to take the trip to montreal alone, i don't know why but it seems like a good, cuase with work i don't know how many days off i can take. so i think the choice to do it alone and find myself during that trip is better than the 2 weeks in VA, but we shall see..oh and i have an idea for a scene, i can't curse i have to speak properly, and if i don't... he washes my mouth out with soap or something worse, that would be way hot.
"speedng down the highway, are you the bug on my windshield? or am i a stain on the cement?" Hmmm, okay so i had been planning the trip up there for about a week, i learned how to tie properly, bought a book on japaneses bondage, practiced biting on my arm (i have bunches of bite marks). i planned to take him hiking, and tie him up. it was raining so when i got to his house it seemed like there was no way i could tie him up and i i had accepted just a nice hike. i had stuffed rope into my bpocket earlier in prep for the day.. so when i went into his house he noticed, gave it a tug and smilled. i did the impulsive thing, I bound his wrists, and wrapped the rope through his ass cheeks, fun! Enge likes the idea of being kidnapped, so he tried to resist, which annoyed me so i tied his balls to a radiator. while i got more rope. he escaped, so i had to wrestle him down, and tied him up again, this time using duct tape on his ankles, and wrists. i then tied his balls to a beam that runs across his ceiling, so it he moved it would be very painful. i set out chest punching him, then the thigh, then i went into spanking. then the belt. it was nuts i marked his back, then i bit him. we did some breath control too, it was intense and fun. All and all it took about 3 hours. when it was over i just held him, it was wierd to be in that position, but it felt good in the moment. orriginally i had planned to take him to NYC that night, but the plans had been messed up since his grandmothers passing. i took him to boston, which was a kind of healing for me, we went to some restuarnt and got dinner, i took him to the ramrod and played some pool i met another bottom, who expressed intrest in getting tied up... wierd, I am viable as a top. We sahll see, he asked me to say hi should i see him at the eagle. so i am looking forward to it. sigh, i still don't want a relationship. i really thought i found something, that i could dig, but still, i want nothing like that. oh well, oneday, maybe i will want that kind of emotional closeness. But for now i just don't.
God help me, it's happening again, the switch is flipped the lights are on, there is no dimmer, i am now a switch i guess. it's late i need to sleep, but synopis: i beat his balls, i tied him up, i spankign him, i canned him, i punched him. and he was amazing, cool, we drove to boston, hung out in the ramrod, i kissed the bartender, and met a bottom from nyc (kissed him too). On the ride back i had him cum into his shirt and eat it :) then i tied his hands behing his back outside his house, and jerked off him i came on his back.
Sunday, June 15, 2003
So, i played dom again. i am starting to really like it, i was chest punching, thigh beating, biting, nipple twisting, and tying off his cock. it started slow, i suppose the most important thing i have learned is that leather is about the seduction. You have to move slow, and carefully. Mind you I also know that an amazing bottom helps (which I was lucky to have. Red was awesome, i wasn't sure whom would play what, and I wasn't even sure that we would play. I got there later than planned, I was playing frisbee in the park with a friend and lost track of time. So, we spoke at his house and i tried on his straight jacket we talked more, and he offered me dinner. I stayed and we discussed things feeling each other out. I have never topped an experienced bottom. so when i went to feel his nipple (seduction at work) it was strange to find him growling, pulling me closer, directing me how to do it better. it was this odd scene, The cute red head in the city (no called CRHITC) taught me how to tie some ropes, so Red honored me by letting me tie him up, i chest punched him, bite him to leave a mark (i think i will always try to leave a mark), and had him swing a boot from his balls. Wow, just wow, it was awesome. he called me Sir at first, and truthfully i have never liked the term for me, so i had him call me Joseph, which is respectful. With the advent of the net, Sir is a term that you can call anyone, and some 22 y/o's call themselves Master. So fuck it, Joey or Joseph, it works, it's my name, and it feels more real to have him call me that.
Saturday, June 14, 2003
"run said the mouth" So, Enge had a tragedy this friday, his great grandmother passed away... I am so unsure of how to console him, not that he needs it, but i just didn't know how to approach it. fortunatly he took care of that. He emailed me saying he would call this saturday. And he did, (awesome). we are seeing eachother next wednesday, i am taking him hiking. should be fun. Tonight i am gonna learn how to and be hog tied, i am hoping i can use it. I am realizing that playing top is a lot harder, i want to know how to chest punch, how to cause pain, how to twist nipples, and most of all, how to do it all well. i look forward to tonight, and i look forward to tommorow,
Thursday, June 12, 2003
OH MY F*CKING L*RD I had a good day, a very good day. I met up with a fellow boy from LN today, he drove and hour and change to see me. i think i shall call him timid, no, that name doesn't do justice, hmm. Oh! i got it, he is "Enge" short for engender. He brought out this top side to me. its funny how many of my quirks fit into the top persona. I picked the restuarant, I directed where we went, I paid (he prottested, I still paid). It was nice, i didn't really go into the meeting thinking i would be dominant. it just kind of fell into place. Enge is amazing in a lot of ways, he described being into leather and being gay as kind of a combined movement in him. he likes the hyper-masculinity of leather, he likes older guys mostly. He has been owned, and decided it's not for him. In a lot of ways he is more progressed than me, he has been to IML and MAL, and met a lot people, he owns a sleep sack, and other toys. But at the same time, i am a ahead of him in my experiences with pain, and sadomasochism. but liek me he is new, and throughing himself into it hard, 6 months in and he has done a lot. So we met at a mall, i needed to buy a DVD, cruel intentions, which i will force anyone to watch, i lost my other copy. We chatted and explored where eachother was, spoke about family, coming out, college, school, relationships, movies and the like. we spent 4 hours together, just talking. okay i don't want to date, i don't want a boyfriend, i just want to have friends i sleep with. as such i try to hookup within the first 20 minutes of realizing i want the guy. Well... this was different, i am unskilled as a top, and he still wants to top me too (i think i am more the dominant one but who knows). So although i knew i wanted to play, and thought he did... practicality dictated delay. Okay, so i felt like a kid the whole time, he would bump into me slightly, and smile. i would touch his elbow with mine, and grin. G*d help me i felt like a kid, like the awkward teenager i was only 2 years ago. so as we left the mall i made my move. i grabbed his shirt, and let a kiss fly. at first i thought i fucked up, he took a step back. " that was un-expected" we talked more, as we went back to his car... then he kissed me. and from there, we bonded more, until it led to making out. lots of making out... and aparantly my weight training is paying off, he is smaller than me, and i could easily lift him up to crush him against my car as i kissed him and yankes his nipples through his shirt.... Slutty? yes, Fun? yeah! stupid? well i live in a small town and this was a mall in Connecticut, so stares were all over. oh well, it was fun. Before i left for a babysitting i was roped into (foolishly people think i am good with them). We talked about our next meet, next wednesday, i am taking him to pork told him i would plan the whole thing. I still felt like i wanted to know him more, so i asked him to email me what he fantasied about when he j/o for this whole week (got the first one tonight), he only agreed under the premise that i would do the same for him. This could become very fun :) Alright, i have to Jerk off, and email my thoughts to Enge.
Wednesday, June 11, 2003
Monday, June 09, 2003
"i pragmaticaly turn my whims into morals" okay, so chicago was cancelled and big changes occured. I became sick so we had to postpone, which sucked. But I think it was a good choice. I need to start slowing down, I am beginning to get that i am not invicible. which is a scary thought in and of itself. I keep realizing i need to slow down, and its getting harder and harder to ignore that. and it's not like i don't have safe outlets to explore. I have a Dad (which is wierd, cause in my mind i refer to him as such more often than not), and i know a couple other great leather men, who are willing to hook up with me. The practicality of slowing down is clear to me. The problem comes with the attempt at it. I mean i am not scared, the things that got me off in the beginign do it for me with the same intesity. well I am scared, that was a lie, i am scared. I feel so much older than i am sometimes, i worry that i won't be able to relate to kids my age. I even call them kids. i filled out my college aps, and i am just so unclear about my future. I know so much, and so little at the same time, how strange. I suppose there are several things sparking this look inside. I am changing, i know that. I spoke with Touts about how a finally accepted a gift. you see , i have this issue with being paid for, or used to i guess. I don't like it, i still don't really like the thought of it. But this weekend i was over at the nice redhead's house. He offered to get me a straitjacket, and after a discussion, i accepted the offer. i am gonna have him sign it. but back to the plot, So i tell Touts (my best friend) and she makes this face that has become increasingly present. it's this odd mix of disgust and fear. "your stories just seem to get wierder" It's this strange adjustment i will have to make. Parts of my life are no longer acceptable to the public. So i went on a date yesterday which kind of brought the whole thing to a point. He is 22, we have known each other from a bar life that now seems long ago. we talked a bunch, and after havign some mutual friends set us up.. i went for it. I am ashamed to say, I still want something normal. it was awfull, he's cute, really cute. we talked about the normal stuff, "so you grew up in a small town" Etc. we gabbed for a bit. I had a fun time talking, but then we got onto sex. and i guess vanilla people are like teenagers with this stuff. He giggled as he said "i like having my nipple played with, i know that sounds wierd." i smiled and thought of tieing him up... sigh... i wish i could just be happy with that. with the fantasy, or with just thinking that wanting my nipples twisted was wierd. I'm not, and i don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is. But it was this wierd moment of feeling way more advanced. I mean i could always hold my own in discusions with the adults, i knew the socratic method at 12, and all that. But know i feel a little out of place with my age group. Not ahead, just a little bit to the left of.
Tuesday, June 03, 2003
My little brother came out to me. and i have no idea what to tell him. I the only advice i garbled out was "don't tell mom and dad" and i had to get the gym... We are not a close family, i was like "your 9 how could you know?"(the hypocrisy being i knew i was gay at 9) he informed he was 12. Jesus i don't want to talk to him about it. His exact words were " i think i am gay, cuase i don't like girls." i feel bad, but i have no clue what to say, i think my adivce works. so here is what i will tell him when/if he decides he is gay and not just a woman hater. Dan, life is gonna be a lot harder for you than ever thought it would be. At first it will feel like you have to give up a lot. The thoughts of a wife and all that. you'll feel like an outcast, and probably spend more than your share of saturday nights at home for a couple months.You will have to worry about diseases in a way your freinds won't. You will deal with an unseen prejudice that most poeple never know. You will have to deal with a family that hates what you are. You may even hate yourself for a bit. But you have to realize, this is the only way you will ever be happy. And life is supposed to suck sometimes, sour grapes only make the juicy ones taste better. My advice? Learn to lie to stangers, and anyone who you don't think gets it. Don't let anyone ever tell you your too young for something. if someone thinks your cute at the bar, go for it, just be careful. Buy a different cellphone than the one Mom and Dad give you as soon as you can. Get a job, i have learned money is the best way to amass power and freedom. Don't work to hard at school, of the kids i know who did that, they all hate their schools. Work hard, just be sure you can party on the weekends. In the long term, memories are the onlything we keep. learn to say "fuck you" with some real diginity. when the phrase is done correctly, you can use it to impact any situation. Learn that blowing people of doesn't get you blown in the long run. Don't pick up the phone just cuase it rings. make sure you have an escape route when ever you get into anything. Don't worry about what your parents say, it's anger, and as much as i hate to admit it, it probably comes from the fact that they care about you. Be spoiled, be rude, be you, don't change cuase unless you don't like it about yourself. Old people have some worth, you'll have to figure out just what it is. Being naked with people you don't know is a great way to get to know them. Live your life randomly when possible, becuase hell, it's random anyway. Listen to other peoples advice, even if you don't take it, it will help you prepare to mock them when they are wrong, (or for the told you so's). Giving in doesn't mean giving up. Admit when your wrong, but defend yourself when yoru right. BE CAREFUL in the ways that you can be, but don't make it stop you from living. Above all else, if you think you'll like it, try it. thats all for tonight.
Monday, June 02, 2003
Oh, one more thing, i hate losing, and i was asked to wrestle with this guy, i turned him down i cuase i get all agressive when it comes to stuff like that. So why don't i mind losing to a Sir? i guess cuase it doesn't feel like losing, cause i know thats the point sometimes, but when the idea is wrestling for top (even just piss top) i have to say no. cause i don't want to pee on you, i want to be pissed on (well maybe, but for the argument, yes i want piss) but i really don't want to lose, so i would win and feel unfufilled.
"Get lost, get found, and when at all possible, get lost again" I can tell i haven't cum in a while when i watch the simpsons, and find homer oddly attractive. "Maybe with a little more hair on his chest" i think. it's only been three days, i can do this. okay, so the journals i have been doing for the crush (i am told i need to come up with a new name for him, but this one works, and since he was my first crush, i think it fits) maybe Mr. Crush works. Nah, that wouldn't be respectful. anyway, so i am doing this blog instead, as it seems to fufill my need for self discovery, and my exibitionist desires in one swoop. Work went well, Bob mearly patted his scalp and said "yeah the rich bitches hate this too." So it's okay, i got some funny stares, but on wednesday i am shaving the beard down, and that should work. we cancelled New orleans so that sucks, but it frees up the budget for all sorts of other shenanigans, the kind were i fly somewhere far away to play. so that's good. Still, i was looking forward to a nonsex trip. oh well, there will be time for that oneday.
Sunday, June 01, 2003
Shit, i totally forgot about work. Bob (my boss) may not appreciate the hair at all, but he's bald, so i don't see the big deal. Still as a receptionist it might not be a good thing, Man i can't wait till i get my emt job.
"of all the people i made sure to ask, the one i most frequently forget about, is myself." Okay, so i am now bald, my mouth is sore, and i am just amazed by my evening. Started at 7:00 i met up with the cute red head (okay so he is fifty but if i can call myself a boy at 19, cute works for 50). It was a nice dinner, he informed i would not be paying. I had issues, but figured no use in fighting, which is a small improvement. over dinner i informed him that i was not allowed to pleasure myself this evening. He was at first taken a back, and the questions came out. "why not? why did you agree?" and the rest. i felt like i was defending myself (which i am getting better at as i understand the reasons behind a Tops actions more). He understood and respected my ability to stik with my actions. When we got back to his place he told me about the plan for the evening, "boots". i had told him about my plan to look more leathery over dinner, he had agreed, it wasn't long before i was standing naked in his tub. He pissed on me, i tried to swallow some, the idea holds some amount of attractiveness, but i can't swallow unless i am right up on the cock. anyway, he shaved me bald, i said miltary cut, but he picked the short one. it's those kinds of things that are such a turn on. Just when i think i have control, it flips. after the shaving of the head, he went for my body hair, which i just can't seem, to let go of, i like it too much, i think it's hot. If he wants to burn bits of it off, thats another thing, but losing hair for hair losing's sake is just not my style. So we moved on, naked i sat in his apartment as he brought out two boots, i laced them up (he taught me, skinhead boots are wierd). I proceeded to lick them clean as was the order. He then pulled out a timer, set it for 60 minutes, and said simply, "an hour for each boot, start with the left." after thrity minutes i was begging for water. He obliged me with a dog bowl. i have not done puppy play, and don't really intend to, i don't like the idea of altered consiousness. it felt more degrading than anything, which wasn't the purpose (he wanted me to have easy access to water). and hour and a half latter, my tongue had black polish on it. it was intense, after the first hour, i attained a kind of zen monotonany. while i will not ask to do that again anytime soon, i will accept it if it should come up. on an awesome plus side, he drank a little more then he anticipated, and i got to hear all sorts of dirt stories about people i have played with pasts. this may sound foolish, but i never got the importance of family, listening to him talk about how "when __ was younger he and I..." or "ten years ago he ...". It felt a lot like i would imagine a grandparent sounds as you find out about your parents past. it was also nice to hear how some of the people i strive to impress screwed up. thats all for tonight, I may be going to San Franscisco to play with a man for 5 days. the thought worries me in that i as of yet have no reservations. shouldn't there be reservations? hehe, oh and CHICAGO IN 6 days, iam getting excited, more so since the order. should be fun, he said MIGHT cum, i am hoping thats a mind fuck, well, kinda, not sure. oh well, fun, and naked plans.
