"i pragmaticaly turn my whims into morals" okay, so chicago was cancelled and big changes occured. I became sick so we had to postpone, which sucked. But I think it was a good choice. I need to start slowing down, I am beginning to get that i am not invicible. which is a scary thought in and of itself. I keep realizing i need to slow down, and its getting harder and harder to ignore that. and it's not like i don't have safe outlets to explore. I have a Dad (which is wierd, cause in my mind i refer to him as such more often than not), and i know a couple other great leather men, who are willing to hook up with me. The practicality of slowing down is clear to me. The problem comes with the attempt at it. I mean i am not scared, the things that got me off in the beginign do it for me with the same intesity. well I am scared, that was a lie, i am scared. I feel so much older than i am sometimes, i worry that i won't be able to relate to kids my age. I even call them kids. i filled out my college aps, and i am just so unclear about my future. I know so much, and so little at the same time, how strange. I suppose there are several things sparking this look inside. I am changing, i know that. I spoke with Touts about how a finally accepted a gift. you see , i have this issue with being paid for, or used to i guess. I don't like it, i still don't really like the thought of it. But this weekend i was over at the nice redhead's house. He offered to get me a straitjacket, and after a discussion, i accepted the offer. i am gonna have him sign it. but back to the plot, So i tell Touts (my best friend) and she makes this face that has become increasingly present. it's this odd mix of disgust and fear. "your stories just seem to get wierder" It's this strange adjustment i will have to make. Parts of my life are no longer acceptable to the public. So i went on a date yesterday which kind of brought the whole thing to a point. He is 22, we have known each other from a bar life that now seems long ago. we talked a bunch, and after havign some mutual friends set us up.. i went for it. I am ashamed to say, I still want something normal. it was awfull, he's cute, really cute. we talked about the normal stuff, "so you grew up in a small town" Etc. we gabbed for a bit. I had a fun time talking, but then we got onto sex. and i guess vanilla people are like teenagers with this stuff. He giggled as he said "i like having my nipple played with, i know that sounds wierd." i smiled and thought of tieing him up... sigh... i wish i could just be happy with that. with the fantasy, or with just thinking that wanting my nipples twisted was wierd. I'm not, and i don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is. But it was this wierd moment of feeling way more advanced. I mean i could always hold my own in discusions with the adults, i knew the socratic method at 12, and all that. But know i feel a little out of place with my age group. Not ahead, just a little bit to the left of.
- posted by G @ 7:09 PM