BLAH!
Saturday, January 31, 2004
Blog more!
There are two things I hate to do. One: admit I made a mistake. Two: admit I can?t do something. So I am up in Boston, next to Sir, he is playing a video game. Daddybear is reading some papers for work in the bed room. It?s quiet. I?m liking it. This week I screwed up royally. I forgot to do some assignments from Sir and Daddybear. I forgot to wear boots. I forgot to call them when I went and played with Hoss. DAMN! But why?! Why did I forget so much? A combo of things. 1) I didn?t get into the art class (I could get into it, tried everything) 2) I made a mistake with my scheduling. I put most of my classes as night courses. And, my meds don?t work at night. 3) I couldn?t be the god father I wanted to be at my brothers bar mitzvah. 4) I think I made a mistake pulling away from my mother?s side of the family. That has all been in my head. But the big thing is?I have this feeling that won?t die. I feel like I have no clue. That?s it. All this clarity I like to have has slowly been fading, which is more or less a good thing. Disillusionment sucks, but it serves a much greater purpose. That is to say: I think I am being more real. Off to be flogged! Second time by Sir. No kisses after ( I haven?t earned them), well maybe there will be kisses?butt he has told me there won?t be. A boy can hope. This place feels like home.
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
iffy
I am not asleep, and I want to cry. See, by not being able to sleep I am breaking Sir and Daddybear’s orders. They want me in bed by 1:00 am. Which, in fairness, I was. But…I couldn’t sleep, and I mean couldn’t sleep. I have this bottle of sleeping pills that my doctor gave me to go along with my pep pills (ADHD meds can cause insomnia). Sadly I can’t take them (there are only 5, and I want to be sure I have them for when I really need to sleep). But why am I up?! Well…I had a nightmare. It’s so childish. But it’s me I get scared sometimes. But this wasn’t some nightmare about devils or psychos. It’s something that has become apparent to me. I don’t have a lot of interests outside of sex. My friends all seem to be advancing and growing in a way that I haven’t. Alli is discovering psychology, Lindsey is finding her soul in the few law courses she has taken, Sue has her art, and Conc has his camera. I don’t have anything like that. I have sex. I’m a business major, and a lot of me is doing it because I get the same thrill from schmoozing as I do when I try to get laid in a bar. I want something (an internship or to get head), I try to figure out if you can help me. Say the right words, and it’s like opening up a locker, or solving a code in any of the Zelda games. So tonight I did my college schedule, hardcore. I brought out the books, trying to find what I wanted. Something that felt like me. Then it hit me. I like writing, it’s what this blog is all about. I love doing this blog, not just cause people read it, but because I make it. Sadly, I finished my English requirements, and the only writing course they had that I could take would have required me to reconstruct my entire schedule. (which I sort of have) already, but this would have meant giving up on a economics class that I am hyped for. But I digress. I have no supreme interests. Part of me thinks that I will just develop them over time, but…what if I don’t? So I signed up for an art class. It’s a drawing class, it was either that or this study of NY art. I was going to do the NY art class, which looked interesting because it would be nice to learn to appreciate art in paintings. And good for business skills, as being able to name a painter makes you look more intelligent. But I want to create something, maybe give these demons in my head a form. Maybe design my own tattoo. Or maybe not learn anything, but have a nice time being able to use “shading” in a sentence. My Sirs gave me this journal, I used it tonight, it helped me. It feels like I need to shed my past, but not leave it out…just send it to the cleaners. I realized what my big freakout was about. I don’t want to lose them yet, and when they brought up that…I don’t know how to put this…when we had the discussion about boyfriend and Sirs, and the differences. Well…it felt like it was going to end. And I have a tendency to cut the cord before someone else can (when playing video games, I sometimes kill my character off so that the other players can’t). I need sleep. Lets hope I can. Sorry Sirs.
Monday, January 26, 2004
ode to ulkmo
Ulkmo is a straigh 18 y/o woman, who by all acounts is vanilla. She reads my blog. Today (my first day back at college), she informed me that she loves my blog (which i know, is like queer as folk to her). She also told me i need to blog, so i am blogging. tonight i meet up with my old friend CONC, he is becoming slutty, i have trained him well. Not that all people should become slutty, but he needed it i think. More to type, off for coffee, gosh i love social life.
Friday, January 23, 2004
My Rant
So, I am tech-ing tonight (being an EMT). I have been dragging my laptop with me because I am using the time between jobs to fix up my Resume. Fortunately, I think I am done with it. The problem is I will be applying to jobs as a Per diem worker. Most places don’t exactly higher that way. You start out as part time, or full time and decide to become per diem. You see, per diem workers are people tend to have no regular schedule. They call in when they want to work, and ask for times that are available. This works out well for a college student who might want work one Sunday, but might want the other Sunday off (to say…go up to Boston). But I digress. I am trying to change places of work, find either a closer ambulance company, or work at a local hospital. I want more money and a shorter commute. Since I now have Mondays off from school (this semester), if the place is local enough I can do part time on either Friday (after 2 pm) or Monday and have all my weekends free! The likely hood is that this won’t happen. But hopefully I will be able to work per diem for a hospital and then I will be able to make more money and stay inside. Plus it get a bit lonely with just you and your partner to talk to. In a hospital ER there is at least 4 other people with you at any hour of the night. Plus, more emergencies and greater experience. So we shall see what happens. Mean time: I have some things I need to think about…and I need to start planning better. Oh yeah, and I have been masturbating like crazy since coming to grips with my desire to be Sir and Daddybears still. And that is a good thing.
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
Second Hand Kindness
Wow, I am not going to be up late tonight. What is “Second Hand Kindness”? Ever helped out the friend of a friend? Then you have practiced second hand kindness. Today I got some second hand kindness. It’s one of the best forms of kindness out there. Basically Sir and Daddybear have given my blog address out to some of their friends (fun!). So after reading my post, a couple of them contacted me. Told me how great Sir and Daddybear are, and to offer advice and help. and these were people i have respect for, if soley becuase My Sirs have talked about them that way (see how it's a two way street, they care about me ecuase my Sirs do, and i respect them becuase my Sirs do, wierd). What’s astounding is that these people like and trust My Sirs so much that it extends to me. They want me to understand how nice of guys they are. But I am a skeptic…so I kind of want to figure out who they are trying to help out. No, i don't mean are they are being subversive or attempting to trick me…I mean, is it a loyalty to My Sirs that has them send the e-mail, or a worry for me? I am using My Sirs a lot tonight. I need to. I came close to giving up. But the two times I nearly took the collar off (bus ride home, and when I bought a suit today), I realized I would miss it, so I stopped. I’ve got a lot more to write, but want to masturbate. So I plan to do that instead. Tomorrow I will write more. I worried My Sirs on this. But what was cool, is that even though it was bumpy (and probably will be for a couple days), they kept being more concerned with me than how it would affect them. That’s not happened a lot with me. I feel selfish for enjoying that. Oh! Porn is on!
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Malaise
Why can’t I just believe people? I’m searching for proof where there can’t be any. And yet, I do. Believe that is. Sir and Daddybear say they care about me, we won’t hurt you they say. So, how come I hurt right now? If I look past my Sir and Daddybear issues the weekend was really good. I got to meet up with Bull who is on my 18 list (people I met at 18 and want to play with still). I played with some cool guys… and met some other ones that may become important in my life. I have some bruises from this way way too short chest punching scene (impromptu lobby beating). I did this fun flogging scene, he’s this hot guy that brought me to tears a couple times. And he has THE COOLEST PENIS EVER!!!! He likes it sucked…but he likes a man to chew on it. Really chew on it. Like naw, bite, pull, eat. And when you do it right. It gets hard. HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT?! Oh and I set a boy a flame. It’s been a while since I topped a guy. It was fun, I am such a goofy top most of the time. It’s not about domination unless I plan ahead. I try not to call people boy as it always wigs me out a little. So I use their name unless it enhances the trip for them. The man I played with…he was pretty easy going. He’s a Californian so I have to decided to just stereotype him. I tied him to the bed, and began simply, kissing, goofiness. Mostly it was about me clearing my head and focusing on someone else. For that I can’t thank that man enough. Oh yeah, and he kisses good too. Plus there was being fucked by Daddybear, and being introduced as Sir and Daddybear’s boy. Meeting all their friends. Sir wasn’t around for play that much this weekend. He was out re-connecting with old friends. In the mean time…Daddybear and I got some time to get closer, which is nice since Sir and I have talked more (he was one I met first). Christ…it’s 4:30. I CAN’T FIGURE THIS OUT IN MY HEAD. It’s stupid. They are not going to be my boyfriends. I get that. But I worry, what if I want them to be later on? What if one day I am sitting on the floor and decide I want them to be my equals? And there is that old feeling in my body. Like an old friend, one that you don’t particularly like, but recognize as part of your life. It’s the running feeling. But still the dream hasn’t come. It’s stupid. I want to end it before I get hurt…before they get hurt. But I think it’s too late for that. And even then, all I am doing is protecting myself from it all. I give up control of my body so easily. But let a person have just one of my heart strings…I begin to want it back. I am so angry that I didn’t catch this. I’ve jerked off twice today, it hasn’t helped. My head just feels so muddled, the thoughts all blurry. Maybe I will get to see the sunrise… Fuck it. They are Sirs, the nature of my relationship is be mentored by them. But I bought into this whole line that you get fed. “just because you are a boy doesn’t mean you are lower on the scale, you have the same respect!” it’s bullshit. This weekend has shown me that much. Why (at this point) has only one boy ever judged the IML contest? I am just so pissed off at myself, I’m better than this. It looks so jaded to write this down. But I have yet to be proven wrong…when you let someone get close, the mess with your head. I never had a reason for why I didn’t like, but I do now. All people are fallible, my Sirs are too. But I fucked up. I let them make me feel good. And when a person can make you feel good, they can make you feel bad. It’s never intentional (not with good people), but your deluding yourself if you think it won’t happen. No sunrise yet. Chicago looks good about now. It’s only 4 am there. But maybe I am the ultimate masochist. They care about me. That much is obvious. And that scares me more than anything. I can’t think, I need to purge myself of this feeling. Or at least come to terms with it. It’s funny, I’m really worried about losing them at some future point. I mean I like them so much already. Waiting a month to explore it more might lead to another month, or it might end. But can you imagine me after another month? G*d I would be in tears right now. So why not end it now? Avoid the possibility of pain? That kind of pain anyway. I can’t figure out if they betrayed me or not. I don’t feel betrayed. We just got the wires crossed. But I have this feeling inside me that I can’t name. Hmmm…I just read the paragraph again. Basically I wrote “I’m worried about losing them, so I am thinking about giving them up.” Is giving up losing? I haven’t even explained what happened. It’s stupid really…I confused the issue. They are my SIRs, they will not be boyfriends. But what gets me is that now the relationship has to change apparently. So it’s going to change things. We have to set up the boundaries. Well…they do. And I have to set up some my own. They can’t meet my non-leather friends. They won’t be apart of certain aspects of my life. And that’s fine with me. Oh and that feeling. I think it’s disappointment. I didn’t want to feel this way. maybe it’ll all seem less dramatic in the morning. It 5:30, no sun yet…but I kinda like that. oh and two good songs "hey jealousy" gin blosoms and "wait" by something corporate Thanks girlfag i don't think there was a better e-mail to come home to.
Saturday, January 17, 2004
MALleable
Sigh… I am at MAL. It is so strange to be in this other city with my SIRs. Okay so let’s get into what has been going on: My work week had been so hectic that I didn’t get to trim my hair and beard the way I wanted to. Oh well, I am hoping to find someone in the hotel to do that for me. My bus came in at 12:50, but I got lost on the metro and while I was walking to the hotel… so I didn’t arrive until about 1:40. I came into the hotel lobby and immediately kneeled at Sir’s and Daddybear’s feet (they were waiting for me there). We waited there for about a minute just reconnecting through the touching. Then we went upstairs to the room. I threw my stuff down and got naked, Sir and Daddybear undressed and we all layed down in bed. They cuddled me, held me. It was so fantastic, that part feels just so fantastic. We then hung out in the hotel lobby, went out to dinner with friends of Sir and Daddybear. I would give more details. But they aren’t where my head is at this moment. I realized something this weekend. I know a lot of people, not just online folk, but also in person. And it seems that my list of play partners reads well, which I knew already. But I finally figured out why: I go for it. A lot of people can’t seem to say “I want to play with you” I can. It’s nothing special, nothing intense. And I still have some thinking to do on that subject, but I think that’s it. I put myself out there for rejection or acceptance when it comes to hooking up. So, realizing this…last night I let my mouth run off. STUPID ME. Nothings really changed because of it. Sir was asleep, so Daddybear and I were on the next bed, playing around. He began to fuck me, and then I let it slip. “I think I am falling in love with you, both of you Daddybear.” What? I barely know these two. Well not barely, but in terms of time and stuff, it’s only been 2 weeks since I got my collar. There is so much to figure out. So much to think about. It’s all rather daunting… I don’t think I can form words for it. But yeah, I am falling in love with them. How does one fall in love with two men at once? Sir wants to be sure I know that they are not boyfriends. I know they aren’t, and I don’t think I want one…but then again. I didn’t think I wanted Sirs either. Well, not true. But I didn’t plan on having them. I need to think…but there is this guy across from me at the coffee shop. He is knitting, and making eyes at me. He is young, probably non-leather. I don’t think I will have an effective blog till I am on my way home. And have some long alone time. I don’t think I want to fall in love yet. It might fuck things up for me. But maybe its time things got fucked up.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
I am a kitten
Hoss wrote about this kitten his family got. How everyone wanted to pick up, cuddle it, shower it with love. The kitten meanwhile, clawed all of them. That’s me. Oh, and Sir left me a not on the last post. Christ, he makes things make sense. “you will be held and cuddled as needed.” Yeah, I am excited for MAL.
Excited for MAL?
Oh yeah! But I can’t tell which I am more excited for… The chance to submit to my Sirs for 3 whole days. Or the many opportunities to meet and mingle with cute men. G*d I feel like such a pussy. In my mind masculinity is tied tightly to two things. Hemingway’s idealized versions of masculinity, and promiscuity. Not that I only play with masculine men, or need to feel masculine all the time. But…I like to feel masculine MOST of the time. As for the play with masculine guys, A mediocre personality and a body and face that I am attracted is all I need. So, why feel like such a pussy? Well lets do this in a round about way. Hemingway wrote stories about strong men who never revealed their emotions. These men drank, smoked, the didn’t talk about anything to outsiders, and they were smart. You see Hemingway was one of those WWII survivors. He wrote about men who had survived it too. His men were always a reflection of that same idea. Ever read books on S/m? When they talk about old guard? That’s who Hemingway wrote about. In a completely non-sexual way, Hemingway’s men are old guard leather men. Men who drank, had no real emotions, life didn’t allow for them. I was about 17 when I first read Hemmingway. I fell in love with Hemmingway’s men. But, I didn’t want to be with them in the naked sense. I wanted to be them. That man who is so in control of his life. He doesn’t need to speak about the past horrors, he is beyond it. He doesn’t have to tell anyone. He moves slowly, but with purpose. He doesn’t need anyone. He is emotionless. It’s not me. I talk a lot, I don’t feel very in control of my life. And I am beginning to admit that I need to be held after sex. I like hearing how cute (hot) I am. I crave kisses as much as I crave pain. Part of me wants to claim that this is all recent. That at one point I didn’t need to be cuddled after sex. That I wasn’t as emotional a year or so ago. It’s not true. I just used to hide it, got so good at hiding it. I hid it from myself too. So that brings me to my puss feeling. Admitting all that stuff…I just don’t feel as masculine. I miss Daddybear and Sir, and look forward to seeing them…but more so I look forward to serving them…submitting to them. And it is all very strange.
Tuesday, January 13, 2004
How do you want to die?
“there’s no can really be free, everybody’s watching” Fefe Dobson As homosexuals you need to plan your death young. Let me fix that…as kinky homosexuals, in general, you need to plan your death young. Not that you are going to die young, but you are not going to have children to take care of you. So, you have to plan your retirement, your life after you can’t work. Do you want to be in a retirement home? Do you want be resuscitated? These are things you have to think about. Tonight me and Leo went for coffee. And wound up in Chinese restaurant. We both wanted to talk a lot, and since he is leaving for italy on Thursday (he is a latin major), I decided Chinese was a good thing for him to remember when he is in the sunny Catholicism of Italy. Anyway, we get to talking. You see, Leo came out at 17, and still hasn’t kissed a boy at 21. He is gay in heart but, not in experience, yet. His parents were fine with it but he hasn’t met the right guy. He is waiting for it, I see it in his eyes. I’m not it, don’t want to be. Though I will admit a sick desire to crush his tiny heart, see it heal and grow bigger from it. But we are chatting, he is smart, incredibly smart. It explains why he hasn’t gotten laid. He hasn’t figured out how to turn it off yet. Ever start at conversation with a guy in a bar, and he uses too big a word, or refers to a book of poems? Yeah, that’s Leo. Intelligence is sexy, but only when it’s controlled. Unbridled intelligence is scary, makes me think science dork. So I am talking to him, dropping help where I can. Then he makes this statement about AIDS. “It’s just proof that no one really wants us around. They still don’t, all this talk about African aids crisis…it is all because they are straight.” It’s true. They don’t want us around. We cheapen their marriages, we make them question god, we fuck up their relationships. Bottom line, we make them think. As our numbers grow, explanations have to be made for why a woman is now a man. Why a man can kiss another man. Sex is no longer about the act of sex. Ever bring up religion at a table of straight married folk? One of them always gets angry (if you are in the suburbs, city rules differ). I believe most people don’t like to think too much. I believe being gay makes one have to think. The unhappy gay men I know, the really unhappy ones, are the ones who don’t think about what being gay means. You have to, you have to keep thinking. Re-examining, exploring. So basically, the world doesn’t like to think, and gay people make them think. So, they don’t like gay people That’s why the quote at the opener of this thing. Fefe is a pop-rock girl, a Swedish made popstar with a rock band backing her up (like Avril). The line is true to a certain extent. I wrote a couple days ago that being into leather made you a member of the leather community. Same is true of being a homosexual. You are part of the gay community. Everybody is watching, so you have to make a choice. You can live your life the way you want, or you can let that stuff effect you. Me? I like public sex.
Monday, January 12, 2004
Masturbation day.
So, I jerked off about 6 times, I checked out a couple forms, showered and slept late. I love the occasional lazy day. But in watching MTV 2, I found out that MTV now bleeps the word “weed” and “ass” as well as “hell” WTF? Isn’t MTV supposed to be edgy? Well, I gave up on American teen culture; Canadian teenagers seem to have the right idea. But MTV is suppressing the Canadian owned music channel, “fuse” by not playing music videos from bands that are on that network. Bastards. I have coffee with a repressed homosexual 21 y/o planned for tonight. It should be fun. He is very smart. But it’s so funny to me when people deny themselves their desires for fear of what may happen. It’s not a part of my nature. OVER indulgence tends to be my issue more that the other way around it. IT will be a good talk. College front…I will be making a pro and con list as time goes on. I need to plan my life it seems. Which sounds strange. But I do.
Jiggity Jig
“and I’m the one with no soul” hole, take everything “subconsciously, we’re all waiting” a friend I played with BOOTm, a story for sometime. But man did I have fun, so cool, so nice, So hot, and nice strong hands to beat me with. True sadist he would get hard when his fist would strike my chest. His cock would literally jump. Okay, this is going to sound weird but I was hoping to not like Chicago. I was hoping that my life would just become simple. It’s not going to, it never will. But wouldn’t that have been nice? “I hate Chicago, and hate depaul” then Bentley would be the best option. But the weekend did bring something to my attention. I need to get the fuck out of NYC. Let us talk of terror: There is no fear of small pox in Chicago, there are no men with a uzi’s standing there when you board the subway. There is not a constant mention of it on the local news. It was nice. But also I likes the change of scenery. More over…it was just nice to be out of NYC. NYC has been my home for 4 years I would say. I have lived in NY for about 13 years. But only the last 4 have I really taken advantage of it. It’s such a great city, but I can’t live there anymore. So I have decided not to go for Baruch. I am applying to Bentley and Depaul. We shall see where the rest take me. I called Sir and Daddybear everyday this trip. Which is new for me, I don’t miss people all that often. Not that I don’t think about them, but I don’t feel a need to call. Funny thing is, I don’t miss them as much since I got home. And I think partially, Chicago represents a possibility of a quick end to this thing. Normally when relationships die, they end because of the couple ends them. This one would end because my moving would suffocate it. And the sad part is…it’s weighing on my view of Chicago. I can’t separate the two, Chicago equals no collar. I don’t know, I feel so disjointed, but I am glad I at least can rule out NYC. So it’s between two colleges. Interesting thing at home though, me and my parents talked about my homosexuality. It’s sort of like when you disinfect a wound. It stings. But we are dealing. Slowly.
Saturday, January 10, 2004
Random perverted thought…
In this porn I readm this guy falls asleep with is finger still inside the guy he is playing with…I want to experience that…from both sides
A thought.
Sir and Daddybear restricted me from play today. I’ll admit it upset me, I was very excited for it. Long term bondage and all the trappings of a great torture scene. But then I got to thinking…Sir and Daddybear are the one’s who are going to be there after. They are the people who will hold me after. I can miss a lot of scenes for that. Especially since I am confident that they have good reasoning behind them. Yeah I trust them.
So, let me tell you about my weekend.
On Thursday, I met this girl on the train ride from the airport, we get to talking and exchange numbers. She and I made plans to hang out (which we did, but I will get to that later). The rest of my night consisted of meeting up With BootM. The hot man with his hot slave. His slave was sick so we couldn’t play, but those plans were postponed until tonight. When BootM and I WILL play…and hopefully his slave too. Unless he is still sick… So BootM and I met up for dinner. We talked a lot about the leather community. And My move to Chicago, and ithe motivating factors. Basically Chicago has a lot of firms that I could work at (intern) and cheap rent, among other things. But as for the leather community, we both agreed New York could be better. The reason is simple though, it’s all about acceptance and personal responsibility. I believe that a lot of leather folks have forgotten that they are apart of the community whether they want to be or not. I mean; when you practice S/m, you are part of the community; your role in the community is up to you. But all these people complain about the leather community, and then do nothing. Yes the eagle sucks for leather, yes you get looks if you show up in leather pants. But come on people, when did a snap judgment from some tweeker prevent us from having a leather bar? So that was my big consensus while talking to BootM, the leather community is what you make it. You want to worry what people think about you? Stay home, you want to bitch about the community, then stay in on Saturday night? Not appropriate, meet you online hookup at the bar, dressed in full leather. Make a showing. Buy a beer. Support it. So Thursday was basically a night to sleep early, brush my teeth, and plug myself (Sir wants me prepped for MAL). Friday was my interview at DePaul, which went well. DePaul doesn’t have many scholarships for transfer students, but she said financial aid would cover me partially, now that I am paying for my schooling. I like the campus and people there, they same focused. After the interview I met up with a guy we shall call…G-unit. G-unit and I have been talking online for awhile now. It’s never been sexually charged, so I knew that when we met it would be completely about talking. It was, and that is a good thing. He holds an excellent conversation. He and I hit it off pretty easily, melding our online chatter into actual chatter. He is in the process of discovering himself, and while he is older he has a lot of self discovery to do. S/m wise anyway. He seems to have his life pretty set (though he doesn’t know what he wants to do later in life…but who does?). He can build things, and seems to be good with his hands, but that’s more his hobby. However, G-unit got into a relationship when he was young. It was, and is, a non kinky relationship. His boyfriend lets him play outside of it, but G-unit hasn’t been able to fully explore his submissive side. It’s partially due to the relationship, and partially that G-unit has not met the right people. G-unit doesn’t know what he wants…the idea of being owned get his motor running, but the practicalities of it prevent it. He needs to meet more good kinky people who will show him the options. He is sort of like me, but I lucked out a lot. Met guys who wanted to do more than “fuck and run.” They wanted to hold me afterward, talk about the scene, and discuss what it meant to me. I resisted it a lot, but I know now that it was important. G-unit is coming to a point though, I think, He has to start to figure out if he is okay with being in a vanilla relationship…or if he wants to go for his goal. If he wants to explore the fantasies that he has in his head. Which is funny, since he seems so capable of doing it with work, and school. Like right now his is contemplating becoming a lawyer. So he is trying to get a job at a law firm. Meanwhile I am the opposite. I am so capable of exploring my fantasies, but I find it hard to go for my dreams with work and school. I hope I can be there for him in some capacity. After my chill time with G-unit. I went back to my hotel and got a call from train Girl, we decided to go out for dinner. She was with some of her friends so they wanted to take me to this Italian place. The line was so long that train girl and I decided to break off from the group and hit up the bar next door (it looked like fun), the rest of her friends wanted to wait. Train girl and I were in the bar from 7-10, they served dinner there so we snagged a table and began to talk about Chicago. Train girl is 19 like me, so she gave a perspective on Chi town that I needed (it is an over 21 city). The ladies next to us joined in on the conversation. One of the is an Ad executive. So I struck a deeper conversation with her (intership!) and she gave me her number. I gave her mine and she asked if I wanted to attend a yoga party with her tomorrow (which would be tonight). I accepted and told her to call me. So we shall see what the hell a yoga party is. Post bar with Train girl, I hit up the Cell Block. It was a nice night, I met up with All these people who knew me when I was 18, and much less sure of myself, and much less knowledgeable about leather. They all commented how much I had “improved” which I am not sure if I like or not.
I like Chicago, I miss my Sirs.
Sorry, but sometimes the basics are the best thing. The college I am checking out is really nice, problem is the money. Most of my credits will transfer, a lot of my educational ideals mesh with the philosophy. I like the nice campus, the cool students, the great facilities, the pretty buildings, and smart teachers. It all fits me, but here I sit in my hotel room, planning out my night and thinking about Sir and Daddybear. You see, the problem with being young and in college is that money is always going to be tight. So, choosing DePaul means choosing not to be Sir’s and Daddybear’s boy. Bentley is the college in Boston that rivals DePaul, hell, surpasses DePaul. And there is my hypocrisy, I am going to apply to Bentley, but at the same time Chicago scares me because it means ending something before it really begins… Boston scares me because it means being very close to something that is just beginning. Though, I don’t have to make any decisions until August, and I don’t know which schools will accept me. But that is part of the problem, I want something concrete, something that I am working toward. I mean really working toward. It’s funny, I describe myself as a runner, but what I should say is I run AWAY from things. I think it’s time I ran toward things. I will complete my application to Bentley , visit it, see if I could go there, and if I could, if I do get in, if the financial aid is good enough…then I shall go. That’s it. I can’t have Sir or Daddybear be a part of my college choice. It’s all on me. I like Chicago a lot. I have been having this amazing weekend, but I am not sure if it is because I am visiting or because Chicago like this always.
Friday, January 09, 2004
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
worst g*d father ever.
So tonight i get home, and my father informs me i will be doing an allya (not sure how to spell that in english). Which is essentially introducing a section of my little brothers torah portion. Then he hits me with the explaination "your mother and i figured it was appropriate being that your his god father." HMMMM!?!!?!? oh that's right, when My younger brother was born i was elected his godfather. That totally slipped my mind. I think it happened becuase my parents wanted to be sure i didn't feel to upset by his birth. he did, after all, steal my status as baby of the family. It's weird, it's also kind of exciting. The little one is pretty happy that i agreed to it. It's his day and i plan not to fuck it up. So Baruch a ta Adonai lay-o-lum Va-ed! (spelled phonetically). i have my siddur out and all. I plan to photocopy some pages and practice a bit. It's about 4 lines and i don't need to memorize so i should be fine. Still, weird that i am his god father. I probablly have to get him a better bar mitzvah gift....hmmm
Monday, January 05, 2004
Giving it up
I am on the bus, riding home. Well, not home, but to my parent’s house. I am leaving Boston, but I’ll be back. Parts of this feel like it’s moving so fast. Other parts of it feel like they are moving to slow. But I think the whole thing is moving toward equilibrium. Meanwhile, the rest of my life is so up in the air. I was in Brooklyn on Friday night, for work. My partner was telling me how excited he was to be moving to Miami. We were talking Real-estate, how cheap Miami was in comparison to NYC. I kept looking around at all the houses in Brooklyn, and getting kind of depressed about the idea of living there. But Brooklyn is what I could afford if I stay in NYC. There is so much to do, but there is a lot of time to do it in. I have a lot of choices to make. First comes school, then comes housing, and then comes the loans and how I plan to afford things. I am excited for the Chicago trip, if only so I can have some definitiveness to my choices. If I don’t like Chicago, then I can focus on Manhattan (which seems to be my direction anyway). I have some play lined up for Chicago. And a fair amount of coffee, as well as the usual college interviews. Though my head isn’t thinking about those things at the moment, my mind is still in Sir and Daddybear’s bed. Last night, Daddybear paddled me. It was great. He was slow at first, starting out with his hands. Moving on to a wooden paddle, then some other things. I was blindfolded and mummified so I am not sure of a lot of it. But sometimes Daddybear would stop, and rub his forehead on my ass, so I could feel the sweat beads on it. It went on for I think about 30-45 minutes. I was high on the endorphins at the end of it. Then he held me, called me good boy. At some point during the scene, I cried a little. Not the huge sobs like when Sir flogged me…but one or two tears streamed down my face. Tears of joy I think…it was such a good scene, I took a lot, and it ended well. Meanwhile Sir had another boy he has been playing with teach me how to do boots. He and Daddybear tell me I am not in competition, and in truth, I know we aren’t. However, I tend to be a competitive person, and I want to do better than him. I know it’s not the best thought to have, but I can’t really help it. I don’t even know that I could do better than him, he know more than me, has more skills, can take more. More so, Sir and Daddybear aren’t going to be measuring us against each other. So why feel competitive? Not sure, but I do, something to work on I suppose. And there you have it, I will spend MAL in Sir and Daddybears room. They are going to introduce me to a lot of people. Introduce me as theirs, it’s a nice thought. This bus is getting bouncy. I am going to zone out.
Sunday, January 04, 2004
My relationship.
I am not owned. But I am going for it. So where does that leave me? Well, near as I can figure… I am dating Sir and Daddybear. I am their potential boy… which is kind of like being their Fiancé. I am engaged to be owned. Underconsideration for their collar. I don't really worry about the lables. I am theirs, they possess me. WOOHOO! So now that I am back in Boston, I am trying to show Sir and Daddybear how much I want their permanent collar. When I left last week, I don’t think I left the right impression. But as this past week has progressed I found myself more and more agreeable to the idea. Yesterday Sir and Daddybear were in NYC. I had just come off a 14 hour shift, I swung downtown to meet them. I was sort of nervous…I looked like hell after the shift. But that’s a kind of nice thing, they know what I look like all gussied up. Sir was getting a shirt made, So I hung next to Daddybear as Sir spoke with designer. After that Sir and Daddybear took me out to lunch at a local place. They had driven down in a rented car, and offered to take me back with them to Boston. I was so tired that I declined. Daddybear insisted, “You can sleep in the car, we will follow you home, then you will come to Boston.” And it was set. They followed me home, saw my house (from the outside). Saw my home town. I pointed out some places. It’s a nice feeling, but I am watching myself carefully. I want more of it all, but one has to be careful not to anticipate too much. MAL will be important. But I like being here a lot, and I like being with them a lot, and I like the idea of being theirs a lot. They don’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon…but I am careful with my emotions. So, i use "could be" or "might be" when i could think "will be" or "should be." I am hopefull of the potential, but i am not going to center any life choices around it. But man this collar feels good, and gosh i think i needed it. But it's not just the collar that feels good, it's also the meaning behind it. It's sort of a promise on both ends. by wearing it, i promise to obey and serve. By putting it on me, Sir and Daddybear, promise to protect me. But they want to know me, all of me. That’s a little scary, Sir say’s he can tell when I am about to cum. He also says he will be able to read my body and tell when I can’t take anymore. That’s the point, it’s the bottom’s last line of control. Any top you play with as a bottom doesn’t know what you can take, doesn’t know when you are about to cum. He can’t push you cause he doesn’t know how far you have been before. Sir and Daddybear are going to push me. They know, or they will. Scary. But I welcome it, all of it.
My new years
I go drunk, i danced with friends, and kissed Alli as well as 2 staight guys when the ball dropped. it was fun
the last night
Gosh it was amazing. After getting over the shock of the idea of being theirs to use, I finally let myself enjoy it. And Enjoy it I did. Sir and Daddybear and I cuddled a bit. We also wondered Boston and completed some tasks that Sir and Daddybear needed to do. And that was our day, the night led to something a bit unexpected…punishment. Over the course of the trip I had earned a 2 points. But that night after dinner I snapped at Sir. I didn’t yell, but I was very sharp, and needlessly so. I earned another point. So, punishment was the evenings order. First was the nipple clamps. An hour of them and I had atoned for one point. Sir informed me that I would be wearing the plug for 2 hours to work off the rest. I hate the plug. It was a weird moment for me. There were several hours between when Sir informed me I would be wearing the plug and when it was put in. So it gave me a lot of time to think, and worry and fret. My hole felt so raw, that I wasn’t sure I would be able to take it. And I had not done more than an hour with that plug so I wasn’t sure I would be able to do two hours. But eventually I found myself in Sir and Daddybear’s bedroom. Tied to the bed hand above my head, plug in my ass (Sir eased it in gently, telling me what a good boy I was for taking it). That is where things got interesting. Daddybear came in (I thought to check on me), but he barely looked at me twice. Instead he popped a DVD into their TV. Mommy Dearest came on. “you will be quizzed on this later, watch carefully.” I don’t like punishment, it’s something my brain can never wrap around. It fucks with my head when a top would say “you’ve been so bad, I am going to punish you.” I can do short bursts of it. But if I really trust the top, and want to please him… then I don’t like being bad. More over, I don’t like the categorization of me being bad. So when I am being punished I find I get pretty compliant. I watched the movie with the sort of intensity I would normally reserve for an educational film. I would try to commit things to memory, really trying to pay attention. Adhd kicked in a couple times…I found myself fiddling with the ropes that bound me to the bed. When Sir came to check up on me, I asked him to make the bondage real. He explained that he wanted me to be comfortable, but said that if I wanted he would. And man he did. Puppy mitts (I am getting to be okay with them), and the he bound my wrists to the top of the bed. I still was watching Mommy Dearest. Getting all the lines that Sir and Daddybear quote sometimes. It’s such a delightfully fucked up movie, and I was watching it in such a delightfully fucked up way. There I lay bound watching this movie, going over in my head what happened that night. Sir asked me “who’s at fault for this?” before he tied me to the bed and began my punishment. I knew the answer “I am.” And that is what sucks so much about punishment. It’s not Sir inflicting his will upon you, it’s you screwing up and then paying for it. So as I watch the movie I slowly sink into that feeling of blah (title of the blog). You know that feeling, it’s not that you feel bad. But you feel like you could feel better. I am also thinking about the weekend. Feeling how daunting it all feels, the whole going for the collar. Wondering why it didn’t feel as good as I wanted it to feel. And then it sort of hit me. I was afraid of losing them, of them knowing me, and deciding that they didn’t want me after all, or worse. I screw up and they decide to cut ties. It’s what Lindsey told me I fear, failure. She was right. But that’s also what the punishment kind of helped me to realize. Sir came in towards the end of it. I confessed that scenes had never felt “real” the way that playing with Sir and Daddybear did. Sir asked me “But you have done real bondage before, right?” I snapped back condescendingly “Of course, Sir.” Oops, I am not supposed to act that way with Sir or Daddybear. He looked angry for a minute. “You have been here two hours; you are now going to wait until the movie ends for this plug to come out.” Damn, it sucked, but I screwed up. I really have to watch that bratty part of me. Sir asked me to clarify what I meant by “real”. I explained: The threats of punishment never seemed to carry much weight, and it all seemed segregated from the rest of my life. Not that they weren’t amazing, or that I didn’t have some great experience, just none of them made their way into my day to day activities. Sir and Daddybear have broken that barrier. That’s it. And in explaining that to Sir…I realized: I couldn’t enjoy the collar or the rest of it because it was such a scary concept. To have people in my life who could cross over. Not that Sir and Daddybear are going to meet my parents, or come to my younger brothers bar mitzvah. But…there may come a day when they attend a birthday party with my other friends. I hate to admit it, but most of my sexual experience have been segregated experience. they were like popcorn I could consume the experience and move on. I wrote about how I wanted to stop just skimming the surface, how Dad E. said that’s what I had been doing. And I am getting to understand how right he is. But back to the scene. So Sir came in just as the movie was ending. He lay down next to me. And began to ask question about the movie. I got the first two questions correct but I missed the last one, and so many after that. At this point I am practically hysterical, I don’t want to screw up again. And not being able to answer Sir’s questions feels like screwing up. I am practically in tears… then Sir, starts having me finish quotes from the movie. “No more Blank, boy” “No more wire hangers SIR!” it goes on…until I am laughing and near tears at the same time. You know those gasps you get when you sob? I was having those, and then laughing. Finally I am screaming lines from the movie at Sir. Until the last one comes up When Christina gets hit by Mommy Dearest after she disturbs an interview. “You love to make me hit you” And then Sir, held me, told me I was a good boy. His good boy. And inside, I melted a bit. And I was trying to apologize to him, tell him I will try harder, tell him I will do better. And I really meant it. But then that feeling comes again, the runners feeling. I paused for a minute, I contemplated suppressing it. I told him, quasi whispered it. We talked it out, and I didn’t have to suppress it. It kind of left me (and that night I didn’t have the dream). But I was still on the verge of crying, I was feeling that spot it my coming to the surface. Like a shark, it was rising, so I turned from Sir to stifle it. Banish it back to my depths. That upset Sir. You see, making a person cry, shifting his head space, changing his perspective….well that’s the tops orgasm. That’s the goal. It’s like when you get into intense conversation with someone. If you were to try and convince a person that we need Affirmative action, and they are trying to convince you that we don’t. And then you change their mind. You know that feeling? When you change a person’s mind, that good feeling. Well that’s what tops work for. So by stopping the tears, I sort of bit down on Sir’s mental hard on. He had me promise never to do it again. I get it. But it’s so hard. I still didn’t feel all put together, but the punishment had been kind of hot just the ending scene. Even with the fun ending… I found myself feeling bad for having snapped at Sir. He explained how embarrassing that would have been in front of his friends. So the punishment had me realizing three things. 1) I now represent Sir and Daddybear when I go out, play, and attend events. 2) I will be screw up again, and find myself being punished. 3) This is not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. There is so much more that happened. But them’s the basics.
Boston
I am in boston! Sir and Daddybear kidnapped me away from NYC last night. not that you can kidnap the willing. My life is getting crazier, but it is all sort of making sense as i go along. I have so much to write, i just need some time to do it.
Thursday, January 01, 2004
Drunk!
I am drunk, i resisted calling everyone who's number i could remember and screaming "HAPPY NEW YEAR" So here i sit about to sleep, there is vomit on my shoes and a collar around my neck. This was a good new year, this new year, i am owned (at least partialy) by two men in boston. I think i will keep the collar on tonight, i have sort of started to touch it when i am nervous (like i do with my real collar), it's calming. Maybe i will sleep better tonight with it on.
