Malaise
Why can’t I just believe people? I’m searching for proof where there can’t be any. And yet, I do. Believe that is. Sir and Daddybear say they care about me, we won’t hurt you they say. So, how come I hurt right now? If I look past my Sir and Daddybear issues the weekend was really good. I got to meet up with Bull who is on my 18 list (people I met at 18 and want to play with still). I played with some cool guys… and met some other ones that may become important in my life. I have some bruises from this way way too short chest punching scene (impromptu lobby beating). I did this fun flogging scene, he’s this hot guy that brought me to tears a couple times. And he has THE COOLEST PENIS EVER!!!! He likes it sucked…but he likes a man to chew on it. Really chew on it. Like naw, bite, pull, eat. And when you do it right. It gets hard. HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT?! Oh and I set a boy a flame. It’s been a while since I topped a guy. It was fun, I am such a goofy top most of the time. It’s not about domination unless I plan ahead. I try not to call people boy as it always wigs me out a little. So I use their name unless it enhances the trip for them. The man I played with…he was pretty easy going. He’s a Californian so I have to decided to just stereotype him. I tied him to the bed, and began simply, kissing, goofiness. Mostly it was about me clearing my head and focusing on someone else. For that I can’t thank that man enough. Oh yeah, and he kisses good too. Plus there was being fucked by Daddybear, and being introduced as Sir and Daddybear’s boy. Meeting all their friends. Sir wasn’t around for play that much this weekend. He was out re-connecting with old friends. In the mean time…Daddybear and I got some time to get closer, which is nice since Sir and I have talked more (he was one I met first). Christ…it’s 4:30. I CAN’T FIGURE THIS OUT IN MY HEAD. It’s stupid. They are not going to be my boyfriends. I get that. But I worry, what if I want them to be later on? What if one day I am sitting on the floor and decide I want them to be my equals? And there is that old feeling in my body. Like an old friend, one that you don’t particularly like, but recognize as part of your life. It’s the running feeling. But still the dream hasn’t come. It’s stupid. I want to end it before I get hurt…before they get hurt. But I think it’s too late for that. And even then, all I am doing is protecting myself from it all. I give up control of my body so easily. But let a person have just one of my heart strings…I begin to want it back. I am so angry that I didn’t catch this. I’ve jerked off twice today, it hasn’t helped. My head just feels so muddled, the thoughts all blurry. Maybe I will get to see the sunrise… Fuck it. They are Sirs, the nature of my relationship is be mentored by them. But I bought into this whole line that you get fed. “just because you are a boy doesn’t mean you are lower on the scale, you have the same respect!” it’s bullshit. This weekend has shown me that much. Why (at this point) has only one boy ever judged the IML contest? I am just so pissed off at myself, I’m better than this. It looks so jaded to write this down. But I have yet to be proven wrong…when you let someone get close, the mess with your head. I never had a reason for why I didn’t like, but I do now. All people are fallible, my Sirs are too. But I fucked up. I let them make me feel good. And when a person can make you feel good, they can make you feel bad. It’s never intentional (not with good people), but your deluding yourself if you think it won’t happen. No sunrise yet. Chicago looks good about now. It’s only 4 am there. But maybe I am the ultimate masochist. They care about me. That much is obvious. And that scares me more than anything. I can’t think, I need to purge myself of this feeling. Or at least come to terms with it. It’s funny, I’m really worried about losing them at some future point. I mean I like them so much already. Waiting a month to explore it more might lead to another month, or it might end. But can you imagine me after another month? G*d I would be in tears right now. So why not end it now? Avoid the possibility of pain? That kind of pain anyway. I can’t figure out if they betrayed me or not. I don’t feel betrayed. We just got the wires crossed. But I have this feeling inside me that I can’t name. Hmmm…I just read the paragraph again. Basically I wrote “I’m worried about losing them, so I am thinking about giving them up.” Is giving up losing? I haven’t even explained what happened. It’s stupid really…I confused the issue. They are my SIRs, they will not be boyfriends. But what gets me is that now the relationship has to change apparently. So it’s going to change things. We have to set up the boundaries. Well…they do. And I have to set up some my own. They can’t meet my non-leather friends. They won’t be apart of certain aspects of my life. And that’s fine with me. Oh and that feeling. I think it’s disappointment. I didn’t want to feel this way. maybe it’ll all seem less dramatic in the morning. It 5:30, no sun yet…but I kinda like that. oh and two good songs "hey jealousy" gin blosoms and "wait" by something corporate Thanks girlfag i don't think there was a better e-mail to come home to.
- posted by G @ 5:39 AM