iffy
I am not asleep, and I want to cry. See, by not being able to sleep I am breaking Sir and Daddybear’s orders. They want me in bed by 1:00 am. Which, in fairness, I was. But…I couldn’t sleep, and I mean couldn’t sleep. I have this bottle of sleeping pills that my doctor gave me to go along with my pep pills (ADHD meds can cause insomnia). Sadly I can’t take them (there are only 5, and I want to be sure I have them for when I really need to sleep). But why am I up?! Well…I had a nightmare. It’s so childish. But it’s me I get scared sometimes. But this wasn’t some nightmare about devils or psychos. It’s something that has become apparent to me. I don’t have a lot of interests outside of sex. My friends all seem to be advancing and growing in a way that I haven’t. Alli is discovering psychology, Lindsey is finding her soul in the few law courses she has taken, Sue has her art, and Conc has his camera. I don’t have anything like that. I have sex. I’m a business major, and a lot of me is doing it because I get the same thrill from schmoozing as I do when I try to get laid in a bar. I want something (an internship or to get head), I try to figure out if you can help me. Say the right words, and it’s like opening up a locker, or solving a code in any of the Zelda games. So tonight I did my college schedule, hardcore. I brought out the books, trying to find what I wanted. Something that felt like me. Then it hit me. I like writing, it’s what this blog is all about. I love doing this blog, not just cause people read it, but because I make it. Sadly, I finished my English requirements, and the only writing course they had that I could take would have required me to reconstruct my entire schedule. (which I sort of have) already, but this would have meant giving up on a economics class that I am hyped for. But I digress. I have no supreme interests. Part of me thinks that I will just develop them over time, but…what if I don’t? So I signed up for an art class. It’s a drawing class, it was either that or this study of NY art. I was going to do the NY art class, which looked interesting because it would be nice to learn to appreciate art in paintings. And good for business skills, as being able to name a painter makes you look more intelligent. But I want to create something, maybe give these demons in my head a form. Maybe design my own tattoo. Or maybe not learn anything, but have a nice time being able to use “shading” in a sentence. My Sirs gave me this journal, I used it tonight, it helped me. It feels like I need to shed my past, but not leave it out…just send it to the cleaners. I realized what my big freakout was about. I don’t want to lose them yet, and when they brought up that…I don’t know how to put this…when we had the discussion about boyfriend and Sirs, and the differences. Well…it felt like it was going to end. And I have a tendency to cut the cord before someone else can (when playing video games, I sometimes kill my character off so that the other players can’t). I need sleep. Lets hope I can. Sorry Sirs.
- posted by G @ 3:50 AM