the last night
Gosh it was amazing. After getting over the shock of the idea of being theirs to use, I finally let myself enjoy it. And Enjoy it I did. Sir and Daddybear and I cuddled a bit. We also wondered Boston and completed some tasks that Sir and Daddybear needed to do. And that was our day, the night led to something a bit unexpected…punishment. Over the course of the trip I had earned a 2 points. But that night after dinner I snapped at Sir. I didn’t yell, but I was very sharp, and needlessly so. I earned another point. So, punishment was the evenings order. First was the nipple clamps. An hour of them and I had atoned for one point. Sir informed me that I would be wearing the plug for 2 hours to work off the rest. I hate the plug. It was a weird moment for me. There were several hours between when Sir informed me I would be wearing the plug and when it was put in. So it gave me a lot of time to think, and worry and fret. My hole felt so raw, that I wasn’t sure I would be able to take it. And I had not done more than an hour with that plug so I wasn’t sure I would be able to do two hours. But eventually I found myself in Sir and Daddybear’s bedroom. Tied to the bed hand above my head, plug in my ass (Sir eased it in gently, telling me what a good boy I was for taking it). That is where things got interesting. Daddybear came in (I thought to check on me), but he barely looked at me twice. Instead he popped a DVD into their TV. Mommy Dearest came on. “you will be quizzed on this later, watch carefully.” I don’t like punishment, it’s something my brain can never wrap around. It fucks with my head when a top would say “you’ve been so bad, I am going to punish you.” I can do short bursts of it. But if I really trust the top, and want to please him… then I don’t like being bad. More over, I don’t like the categorization of me being bad. So when I am being punished I find I get pretty compliant. I watched the movie with the sort of intensity I would normally reserve for an educational film. I would try to commit things to memory, really trying to pay attention. Adhd kicked in a couple times…I found myself fiddling with the ropes that bound me to the bed. When Sir came to check up on me, I asked him to make the bondage real. He explained that he wanted me to be comfortable, but said that if I wanted he would. And man he did. Puppy mitts (I am getting to be okay with them), and the he bound my wrists to the top of the bed. I still was watching Mommy Dearest. Getting all the lines that Sir and Daddybear quote sometimes. It’s such a delightfully fucked up movie, and I was watching it in such a delightfully fucked up way. There I lay bound watching this movie, going over in my head what happened that night. Sir asked me “who’s at fault for this?” before he tied me to the bed and began my punishment. I knew the answer “I am.” And that is what sucks so much about punishment. It’s not Sir inflicting his will upon you, it’s you screwing up and then paying for it. So as I watch the movie I slowly sink into that feeling of blah (title of the blog). You know that feeling, it’s not that you feel bad. But you feel like you could feel better. I am also thinking about the weekend. Feeling how daunting it all feels, the whole going for the collar. Wondering why it didn’t feel as good as I wanted it to feel. And then it sort of hit me. I was afraid of losing them, of them knowing me, and deciding that they didn’t want me after all, or worse. I screw up and they decide to cut ties. It’s what Lindsey told me I fear, failure. She was right. But that’s also what the punishment kind of helped me to realize. Sir came in towards the end of it. I confessed that scenes had never felt “real” the way that playing with Sir and Daddybear did. Sir asked me “But you have done real bondage before, right?” I snapped back condescendingly “Of course, Sir.” Oops, I am not supposed to act that way with Sir or Daddybear. He looked angry for a minute. “You have been here two hours; you are now going to wait until the movie ends for this plug to come out.” Damn, it sucked, but I screwed up. I really have to watch that bratty part of me. Sir asked me to clarify what I meant by “real”. I explained: The threats of punishment never seemed to carry much weight, and it all seemed segregated from the rest of my life. Not that they weren’t amazing, or that I didn’t have some great experience, just none of them made their way into my day to day activities. Sir and Daddybear have broken that barrier. That’s it. And in explaining that to Sir…I realized: I couldn’t enjoy the collar or the rest of it because it was such a scary concept. To have people in my life who could cross over. Not that Sir and Daddybear are going to meet my parents, or come to my younger brothers bar mitzvah. But…there may come a day when they attend a birthday party with my other friends. I hate to admit it, but most of my sexual experience have been segregated experience. they were like popcorn I could consume the experience and move on. I wrote about how I wanted to stop just skimming the surface, how Dad E. said that’s what I had been doing. And I am getting to understand how right he is. But back to the scene. So Sir came in just as the movie was ending. He lay down next to me. And began to ask question about the movie. I got the first two questions correct but I missed the last one, and so many after that. At this point I am practically hysterical, I don’t want to screw up again. And not being able to answer Sir’s questions feels like screwing up. I am practically in tears… then Sir, starts having me finish quotes from the movie. “No more Blank, boy” “No more wire hangers SIR!” it goes on…until I am laughing and near tears at the same time. You know those gasps you get when you sob? I was having those, and then laughing. Finally I am screaming lines from the movie at Sir. Until the last one comes up When Christina gets hit by Mommy Dearest after she disturbs an interview. “You love to make me hit you” And then Sir, held me, told me I was a good boy. His good boy. And inside, I melted a bit. And I was trying to apologize to him, tell him I will try harder, tell him I will do better. And I really meant it. But then that feeling comes again, the runners feeling. I paused for a minute, I contemplated suppressing it. I told him, quasi whispered it. We talked it out, and I didn’t have to suppress it. It kind of left me (and that night I didn’t have the dream). But I was still on the verge of crying, I was feeling that spot it my coming to the surface. Like a shark, it was rising, so I turned from Sir to stifle it. Banish it back to my depths. That upset Sir. You see, making a person cry, shifting his head space, changing his perspective….well that’s the tops orgasm. That’s the goal. It’s like when you get into intense conversation with someone. If you were to try and convince a person that we need Affirmative action, and they are trying to convince you that we don’t. And then you change their mind. You know that feeling? When you change a person’s mind, that good feeling. Well that’s what tops work for. So by stopping the tears, I sort of bit down on Sir’s mental hard on. He had me promise never to do it again. I get it. But it’s so hard. I still didn’t feel all put together, but the punishment had been kind of hot just the ending scene. Even with the fun ending… I found myself feeling bad for having snapped at Sir. He explained how embarrassing that would have been in front of his friends. So the punishment had me realizing three things. 1) I now represent Sir and Daddybear when I go out, play, and attend events. 2) I will be screw up again, and find myself being punished. 3) This is not going to be easy, but it will be worth it. There is so much more that happened. But them’s the basics.
- posted by G @ 4:04 PM