Excited for MAL?
Oh yeah! But I can’t tell which I am more excited for… The chance to submit to my Sirs for 3 whole days. Or the many opportunities to meet and mingle with cute men. G*d I feel like such a pussy. In my mind masculinity is tied tightly to two things. Hemingway’s idealized versions of masculinity, and promiscuity. Not that I only play with masculine men, or need to feel masculine all the time. But…I like to feel masculine MOST of the time. As for the play with masculine guys, A mediocre personality and a body and face that I am attracted is all I need. So, why feel like such a pussy? Well lets do this in a round about way. Hemingway wrote stories about strong men who never revealed their emotions. These men drank, smoked, the didn’t talk about anything to outsiders, and they were smart. You see Hemingway was one of those WWII survivors. He wrote about men who had survived it too. His men were always a reflection of that same idea. Ever read books on S/m? When they talk about old guard? That’s who Hemingway wrote about. In a completely non-sexual way, Hemingway’s men are old guard leather men. Men who drank, had no real emotions, life didn’t allow for them. I was about 17 when I first read Hemmingway. I fell in love with Hemmingway’s men. But, I didn’t want to be with them in the naked sense. I wanted to be them. That man who is so in control of his life. He doesn’t need to speak about the past horrors, he is beyond it. He doesn’t have to tell anyone. He moves slowly, but with purpose. He doesn’t need anyone. He is emotionless. It’s not me. I talk a lot, I don’t feel very in control of my life. And I am beginning to admit that I need to be held after sex. I like hearing how cute (hot) I am. I crave kisses as much as I crave pain. Part of me wants to claim that this is all recent. That at one point I didn’t need to be cuddled after sex. That I wasn’t as emotional a year or so ago. It’s not true. I just used to hide it, got so good at hiding it. I hid it from myself too. So that brings me to my puss feeling. Admitting all that stuff…I just don’t feel as masculine. I miss Daddybear and Sir, and look forward to seeing them…but more so I look forward to serving them…submitting to them. And it is all very strange.
- posted by G @ 2:30 AM