Moron, i am such a moron, i have long since gotten over the anger i had with my parents, i cstopped fighting them tooth and nail over the stupid things. and our relationship slipped into the comforting space of "distant". I mean i care for them, and don't wish them harm. Something clicked this weekend, i want to the movies with my father, and it clicked. I will never forgive my parents for a lot of the fucked up stuff that happened when i was kid (i could rattle off stories, but no need), sufice to say, they could have been better. But this weekend i realized they could have been worse. Anyway, on Saturday, i agreed to go with my father to see the Hulk. My father and i tend to be very similar, and i am reminded of that when we spend time together. I tried to pay for the movie, he had already printed out tickets, there is a kind of happiness he gets when he pays, i think it's for the same reasons i try to do it. It's a power move. I don't ever recall going to the movies with just my father and I, there were birthdays where we rented the theater to throw a party, or the occasional family outing when we used to see the cartoon disney films. But nothing where it was just me and him, work tended to get in the way of solo bonding. family time was all that could be afforded. The movie was okay, but it was after when the moment came. As me and my father talked about his old job at the IRS before he took the position at his current law firm. and suddenly it came out why he had taken it, i was born, and money was tight, and college would take even more. the small town of Reston VA, would not give a good education. So he took the chance knew the long hours would pay off. Shit. we call that a Eureka moment. I get it now, better life for the kids and all that. Maybe he resented me for causing him to have to work the longer hours, and lose contact with his family. Maybe he just didn''t want another kid. Or Maybe i cuased, angry with my dad for not being around, getting to listen to My sister and brother talk about camping and road trips that had happened before i was around. not that i had a bad childhood, far from it. road trips, became plan trips, or boat trips, or plays in the city. Camping became summer Camp, and all that. Sigh... it's stupid really. I just thought i had it all set up in my head correctly. Now it feels like i was holding the map upside down. and then the question arises... did i cause this? I mean, me and my older brother and elder sister only differ in age about 2 years (if memory serves). So my birth would certainly put a strain on the budget as sending us to college would essentialy mean paying 12 years worth of school in about 6. So did i cause this? On the ride home i told my father that i was heading into the city that night... he looked at me and asked why? i gave him the standard "if you don't really want to know, don't ask" and then the moment came, that made me realize the most important thing "that's such a tragedy, you know? it's terrible that that happened to you. i wish we could fix it" yes... there's a rift between me and my father, and in a lot of way's we are similar but at the end of the day? we don't mix well, i think the same is true of the rest of my family, and while i realize now there is a give and take, and that my parents had the best intentions. we have a rift, so who knows the future, but i guess i am coming back here for thanksgiving.
- posted by G @ 12:08 PM