"happiness, like greatness...only comes in the form of moments" So, have this fantasy that i am ready to admit. I fantasize about having a boyfriend, and it is amazing. no, i am not owned, i have no collar, and we are not monogomas (even in my fanatasies i am a slut). I guess part of me wants something normal. No thats not it, i want acceptence among my peers, recently i have been feeling like an outsider, theres so much they don't know. I feel all wierd, g*d damnit i hate my fucking thoughts. oh, and about my crush, i figured it out. I like to imagine us dating becuase the image of it happening makes me happy. The thought that i might be capable of it, (dating that is) is a nice one. So i think i will keep the fantasies, so long as i don't have the delusions of a real world conection. I mean I know that it wouldn't work out... so whats the harm in imagining? Sigh, he has been doing some stuff that bothers me... he keeps making the threat "if you do this we won't speak again" and i think i have known him long enough for that not to be an issue. oh well, i move on, and deal. on the same issue, lately i have been talking about with withh a good friend of mine.Well, several tipsy discustions as the spillover from his obsessing about a girl while drinking in my house on the 26th Douche (nickname), he keep telling me the best way to deal with those kind of wierd emotions is to stop the contact. While i realize that would be all but impossible, the thought of not playing has been one i am considering (not seriously). My worry being that future play will lead to greater (ew) emotions. But i also know the reality of the situation, and can accept the parameters of it. When i describe myself i say i tend to have an on and off switch rather than a dimmer. So my theory is that he is just the first guy i happen to like more than just a hookup. and i am relatively new to hookup-friendships. So i believe i am just making an adjustment. I mean it's wierd, in public (on the rarity that i discuss him) i lable him a hookup. And in my head, (at least partially) he is, but i also feel like i put a lot of trust in his decisions. I guess the most frustrating part is i am not sure if it is returned (the trust that is). Maybe that's why i hate being worried about, feels like i am not being trusted. Oh... so to bring my rant to a conclusion, i am gonna continue to play with him. I will just watch my feeling carefully, and maybe, just maybe, start trying to think of him as a friend. then agai Leather sex stuff has been awesome the fun red head in the city has been great, new play, and I have moved quickly to a point where I can call him whenver i want. he gave me some good advice "don't worry about being a pushy bottom, they get what they want." I suppose the trick is making sure i know what i want, so i can figure out how to ask for it. But my main fear in all that is not knowing how to say "i really don't want to do that" i have been fortunate enough not to need to end a scene, but, if i keep playing heavy (and i will), that day will come.
- posted by G @ 3:34 AM