“Your jumping in the deep end? You always jump in the deep end, some days, this waters cold” That quote describes me somehow, mind you it is my preference for how to enter a pool, (I would cannonball into hot tubs if it were feasible). I think that one should always start where you feel the most comfortable. And I happen to feel the most comfort when I am surrounded in the hardest parts. When I was learning to swim I used to fling myself into the deep end (the instructors hated that). And once I learned to swim, when we would go down to our beach house in North Carolina, I would try to swim out as far into the ocean as I could. I like the challenge of it, the thought that at some point you’ll swim to far, there is a thrill there. I guess it’s the same with s/m I like the thrill, I love the deep end, I want to test myself, I want to be tested. “I don’t think I can, but maybe” means lets try it. This Friday me and VJ are off to Canada. We return on Monday I don’t really see the relationship as lasting beyond the summer, but someone finally told me something that makes it all make sense. “Things don’t have to, nimrod” I guess with all the divorces, the bad moments that my friends went through, I have this fear of the ending of them. My parents are together, and even then their not really happy. It all seemed (and still kinda does) like this hopeless effort. But while talking to Touts this afternoon, it became clear that moving like that is okay. You can skip and jump from one to another, when one ends it doesn’t mean the good times of the past go away. Ugh that’s way to sugary. I am a pessimist, so relationships are doomed in opinion but I guess, that doesn’t mean they aren’t meaningfull in the middle. That’s it! The meaning’s in the middle, it’s not how is started, or how it ended, it’s what it became, and what it was. Is that weird that I am writing this pre any breakup or falling out? I don’t know, I like him, I want to spend more time with (as a result I am spending less time with others, which is pretty okay with me right now). But I am dragging my foot, unlike the way I do everything else I am not flying in the deep end, hell I am barely wading. It’s a weird experience of restraint in the non literal sense. I guess what I am saying is if it’s doomed to fail… I am okay with that. Anyway, on the other subjects, going to learn how to flog this should be good, if no very, very odd. But odd is always fun too, coffee on Thursday and a discussion on the particulars. I hope it all works out. But if not, I am okay with that too. Oh and my new job is tough, 15 hours yesterday, I wanted to cry, 6:30am tomorrow. Oh well training is over this Friday than I can pick a normal schedule one that only requires 8 hours. Otherwise, I am not sure how I feel about the position. We shall see
- posted by G @ 12:33 AM