Holy Shit
Ever get that feeling? The “OH MY GOD THIS IS MY LIFE AND IT’S ACTUALLY REAL” that when you realize something you’ve known forever? When you realized you could drive, just holding your license and remembering that you could drive? Or when you figured out just how much you like sex? Or when you discovered how much like control? It’s a feeling of Joy and fear. It’s acknowledging a scary truth that frees you to explore it in your head. It’s exciting as all fuck. That’s The Holy Shit feeling. These are things you’ve always known, just never accepted, or maybe you just never had enough time to breath and, you know… “get it” That’s this weekend, that was last night. I love bruises….HOLY SHIT I LOVE control…HOLY SHIT I am Totally a kinkster…HOLY SHIT I have Sirs…HOLY SHIT I am totally willing to be putty in their hands….HOLY SHIT I’m being trained as a old guard boy…HOLY SHIT They really like me…Holy Fuck. I think I’m in a relationship. I’ve been kind of neglecting the blog, been using the journal Sir and Daddybear bought me. Gosh there is so much to type. Okay, lets start with this guy I met, he’s a friend of Bad F. and I am finding him to be a very cool kid to hang with. He’s 21, skinhead (not the bad kind) and while I wouldn’t say he is just getting into all of this, he just getting into the 2nd layer. He is starting to meet the real players and starting to really get to playing (read: he is being a slut, WOOHOO). We shall be calling him Kin, Anyway, Kin and I are sleeping in the same bed it seems. We have similar taste in men, and though our looks differ (he is a skinny-nerdy cute) we seem to both play in the same waters. I have recommended Garchomp to him, he is going to play Specs (which I will admit to a tinge of jealousy over). But more over, we click personality wise, it’s a new experience for me. We went to the park this Saturday, hung out, discussed the merits of getting raped under a bridge, and switched over to talk of NYC as the center of the universe and then back to the New York Music scene which he reviews (he is a journalism major). And we made up a new term…Double-O: something that’s really cool. Saturday was just amazing. Central park, a new friend, a nice bar, and some great play. Problem is, Sunday morning was one of the worst Sunday mornings ever. You see, the play ended at 12:50 so that’s Sunday morning. After I play with another Top or Sir, or what have you, I am to call my Sirs and tell them everything went well (or if it didn’t I should tell them that too) and that I am safe. This is what this boy is supposed to do. This boy didn’t do that. This boy figured he could catch the W train and be at the Bar with friends in 5 minutes…so he didn’t leave a message with his Sirs. He hung up his phone and ran for the subway…guess what happened? This boy fucked up. This boy hates fucking up. Sir and Daddybear say that I’ve been slipping since my birthday. I suppose that’s true, I’ve been doing well in school, but I’ve been neglecting my duties to my Sirs. I’m getting something at the moment…it’s all feeling kind of un-real, and yet really real. It’s like, I really want to be controlled. I love their presence in my life. They don’t make obstacles, but they do close off the easier path. Am I okay with that? I feel better than I did months ago. More confident, and I’m not sure why. I have a 95 average for all my classes. My lowest grade is an A-, and nothing feels more like home then my weekends with them. Which terrifies me on some levels. I mean, I’m pretty sure I trust them; I’ve never doubted that they have anything but my best interests at heart. It’s kind of like putting faith in a higher power I suppose. When you accept the belief in G*d, you accept that you are not the most knowledgeable person in existence. You also (depending on religions) have to accept that you may not know what’s best for you on some levels. I’m a bit naive I suppose, just in-experience, but I also have to learn some lessons twice…okay a lot of lessons twice. I just can’t believe I fucked up that way. I hate messing up the simple things. So they are tightening their grip a bit. No play for two weeks (just with others, thank g*d, I don’t think I could stand being at their place and not being able to touch them). I am to run the books I am reading by them, and I will be reading one s/m book a month. Sir says, “as you get better, we will raise the bar” which at first feels daunting. But at the same time is comforting. Like someone telling you to work harder you know they believe in you. And they know me. I think they really know me. So when they say “work harder”, or “do better” or what have you it’s cause they know I can. Still, one has to fear the limit, they want more control I’ll give it to them. I like obeying them. The weird thing is, it doesn’t just feel good, it feels right. Like it’s meant to be that way. Not that I wake up every morning thinking (mock voice) “thank you Sirs for making me go to bed at 1 am on the weekdays” Sometimes it really sucks to go to bed early (1am is early, I swear). But it feels like it’s something I’m supposed to be doing. So that’s the strange part, I want to please them, and as of yet, all the commands, the rules, the feel right. So where’s the bottom? What happens when there comes a command that I won’t agree to? I suppose we talk about it, and all things work out. I’ve resisted a couple of them, but they always get their way (which is really hot). However, my resistance to those commands wasn’t anything heavy, except in the very beginning with the whole “don’t drink vodka and scope” thing. Which, again I agreed to eventually. What if there isn’t a bottom to that submission? What if its just a slow process? I know I’m more willing to do things now than I was 2 months ago. Does that just continue? What about switching? At some point, some bottoms become tops, do they stop submitting? I have a paper to send off to my Sirs tonight (it’s due Thursday so I am supposed to send them off 2 days before the teacher wants them). They come first, that’s the truth. It still feels so real and that makes me feel more real I suppose. More authentically me, so I want to be their good boy. Make them proud, and be sure they get a good return on their property. *Sigh* I’m hard and I’m not allowed to cum…that’s totally double-oh
- posted by G @ 2:53 PM