I sob like a moron (do moron's sob?) and i finally accept it, sort of: Night 3
Sunday This sleep was good, fulfilling sleep. I got up, made breakfast, well, more like helped. Eggs and bacon, I am watched the bacon and eggs being cooked and tried to take note. The bacon I got, I think, you put that in a pan until it crisps up. The eggs seem easy, but I am not sure. We eat and Sir and Daddybear decide to show me the city of Boston (gag). We went Christmas shopping I kind of just followed behind the two of them as they shopped for gifts for friends of theirs. We saw the holocaust memorial that’s in Boston (amazing). I was told about architecture. That is where my weekend got weird, I felt like a son. My parents never took the family on trips, not like that anyway. We would show up at a hotel and then we would all decide what we wanted to do. My mother might take me and one of the others to a museum. My father might take you to the art gallery. But it was never a family thing. But that’s my family as a whole. We split into fractions, we don’t function well as a group. I have accepted that. But Sir and Daddybear, as a couple, remind me of Alli’s (a friend of mine) parents. They kiss each other, hold hands, and point out things. Mock each other, make those faces of kindness (you know the ones) across tables, and the genuinely love each other, I think. That’s Alli’s parents, and I think it works for Daddybear and Sir. I often like just watching Touts’s family operate. When I spend the night I’ll always wind up getting up to her mom telling us to get up. She makes breakfast (real breakfast, eggs, toast, milk, orange juice). She always calls Alli’s dad down, he will ask how your day was. Make some lewd comment about me sleeping with Alli (he knows I am gay). Then he will ask alli for details about her life…not “how is school” but “how is math, I know you hate it.” Or “are you still having trouble with your roommate?” The kind of questions that show caring, but more to the point show knowledge. They have an organism of a household, it grows and functions with a warmth you can feel. So I am watching Sir and Daddybear realizing how privy I am to all of this. They literally let me see a portion of their life. So it’s hitting on me, I feel more and more sonlike as we go. Like I am out with my parents and they want me to gain culture. It’s a nice kind of feeling. Of course I am still carrying all the bags (that’s a turn on), following behind Sir and Daddybear (to the left). There are rules and orders, but there are also moments of affection. Sir kissed me in the park, it was hot, Daddybear is less giving with that sort of thing (grumble). But all and all it was like this weird outing…like a family outing I had never been on before. So this thought was weighing on me the whole day “Am I trying to rebuild a part of my childhood through s/m?” And that thought will be important. So we head home, Sir and Daddybear watch a movie while I study (2.5 hours each day I am there). I turn my headphones up and listen to “TOOL” as I run through my math book and CIS presentation. I finish studying, I head out and we all have dinner. It’s chicken for me, and bacon for them. Then we have THE TALK. This discussion of the weekend, this analysis of play, my boyhood, if we want to meet again, what flaws, what strengths, what would I change about them, what they about me. We talk, they want to see me again, they want me on my ADD meds next time, Sir tells me he won’t fuck me this time because I am not ready (grrrrr, that hasn’t stopped me, or anyone else, before). I tell them I didn’t like going out with their friends and the rest (read the blog). The discussion ends, Sir tells me he is going to flog me now. I get ready, he lets me choose the CD…I pick TOOL. I am blindfolded, and gagged, but he doesn’t bind me. I stand against the wall, hands out, back arched…the beating starts. It’s heavy, it’s light, he’s near, he’s far, I am trying to breath right when he does I get to hear his coo “good boy” in my ear. Suddenly I am in my head (shit) and there is this sadness in me this deep fucking well of stuff I just never dealt with. Dad E. once asked me after a big thigh beating scene “how deep is that well boy? When are you gonna let it over flow”. He was trying to make me cry and I just couldn’t…but now I guess I can. Let’s make a list: My parents; I am not close with them, they haven’t accepted me as I am. My friends; I don’t feel like I am being honest with them, this part of my life is so secretive. S/M 1: I keep feeling like if I just do enough of it, I can be done with it, like it will wash from me if I just keep scrubbing. S/M 2: Submission, I don’t want to enjoy being one, I want to be above that (I know its not about above, but damn it, it feels like it.) S/m 3: “Am I trying to rebuild a part of my childhood through s/m?” Relationships: I don’t let people get close to me, I don’t like people knowing me, I am scared they won’t like me once they do. Lonely: I feel lonely, I have ever since I started this path, but I admit I always have. Before this path I felt lonely because I was gay. And now I just want my generation to catch up. I want to feel closed to people but I just am not getting there as fast as I want to Childhood: I am still angry, and I am still growing out of it. So all this is running threw me. And I start to sniffle, that’s not new… I can control that. Then the well inside me feels deeper…and suddenly I am drowning in it. Swallowed up, and I can hear tool in the background…the lyrics to my favorite song come on I hear the lyrics “this hole inside me…reminds me that I am not alone…reminds me that this pain is an illusion”. It’s true isn’t it? This pain we hold inside tells us that if we just ignore long enough it will go away…that we are fine, that we are okay. And you are…for the most part, but it’s inside you. So I start crying, start bawling, weak knees, shaky hands. I am ashamed to admit it, but I though that if I could hold out for like 2 more minutes I could stop it. Just brush the tears away when the blindfold came of and say “allergies.” I didn’t want him to know, nor Daddybear…I tried holding my breath (it’s how I made it stop when I was younger)…big error, the next flow comes and I am done. The sob comes back…I keep thinking I can hold out…but suddenly Daddybear is there. He’s holding me, I can’t stop it ( I am sort of getting misty as I type this). I just burst, crying, sobbing practically collapsing. They move me to the bedroom…and I need them. I need Sir, I need Daddybear I need them close. G*d all I wanted was to curl up and die, it feels like this shameful act…Sir and Daddybear tell me it’s not (everyone tells me it’s not), it still feels like one. But I need them there. Sir holds me while cry, Daddybear asks why…I give jargon about my life (I can’t really remember what I said). So I try again to stop it, I fail…but slowly I come around. Sir tells me how hot that made Daddybear (and to be honest: that’s a really nice thing to know). But post Scene… I know I have this thing inside me. It’s scary, but I think I am finally letting go. I am going to be kinky forever. I like being submissive. And I want people closer to me. The rest of the night is a blur, but we did watch family guy.
- posted by G @ 3:27 AM