My father, myself, and my grandfather’s ashes.
I never knew my grandfather, that didn’t bother me. Still doesn’t. But talking to my father I realized he didn’t know him either. I am third generation closed hearted person. My mother’s side of the family is so open and close. We don’t see them often, but when we do, I kind of want to hit them. Wow, that sounds mean. I should explain. They are not open in a “hey I am sad, help me” kind of way. They are open in that everybody knows each others business, it’s not loving, it’s snotty. Anyway, we and my Father discussed life and such, he trusts me, and worries that interfering will fuck me up. If he pays for school he thinks I will slack off. But he has agreed to give me 400 dollars a month so I don’t have to work the whole time I am in school. So, I freaked out a bit for something that does not seem as bad now. But I have decided to give my self until junior year to find an apartment and move out. That give me a year and half to figure it out. I think that is enough. So, what do I do? Go to cheap school that can give me the basics, and have little debt. Continue on at pace and get a good education with some connections but more debt. Or fuck it all, leave for Chicago next year, rack up a lot of student loans, for an unknown benefit? Well…I don’t know. In truth the reason’s I had for moving to Chicago now make the idea scary. I know no one there, I would be completely without a net. Staying here give me options. But…does it? I wouldn’t be able to live alone, I would need a roommate until I finished school (rent is high here). But I would be close to home, I would be able to go to school from there. It’s all a question of how I go about this. The answers will come, I just need to think, and work for them. I am not scared, I am determined. In other news, Sir and Daddybear and I keep having online talks and chats and such. It’s scary, I have to keep reminding myself that I just met them. But, I want to know them, but more so I want them to know me. That’s the part about knowing people that sucks, isn’t it? You can’t control them or what they want. It’s also the fun part. I like it when they give me orders. I like that they have challenged me. But where’s it going to go? Sigh, I should have never sold that crystal ball… Back; to my father and his father; they weren’t close. My grandfather came from a wealthy family, worked as a teacher. He taught my father that men didn’t cry, they were strong, they worked hard. My father taught that to his sons. And here we are. My Family doesn’t talk to one another about a lot of things. We aren’t close… and I don’t think I want to be. I am, however, getting that I do want to be close with some people. Now it’s a matter of relearning.
- posted by G @ 11:29 PM