My ESSAY!
Lots of posts tonight this is why:
The Bruise Pristine:
Rape, S/M, and power exchange in the bedroom
Most people know the term “sadomasochism” in fact; about half of all American adults over the age of 22 have tried some form of it. Most have done some simple version of it: biting, hickies, or using a tie to bind a lover. However, for 15 percent of the populace, these are just the beginnings of their sex act. What if a person enjoys tying up a woman, beating her, and then engaging her in intercourse? Thinking about that sex act, what makes sadomasochism any different from rape? Some point to context, and that the entire scene is part of an elaborate fantasy. So what bends the reality of a man hitting a woman, to make it part of consensual sex? Rape offers at least one of the participants no choice. Good S/M is a consensual sex act that differs from rape for many reasons, but mostly because it is a consensual sex act.
Role play can be part of any healthy relationship: a wife playing nurse to her “sick” husband, the cop pulling over a speeding car, or the homemaker who can’t pay for a plumbing repair. These are all acts that would not be a turn on if we couldn’t pick the partner that we did them with. So, how is a man playing “slave” to a “mistress” (or vice versa) any less unhealthy? Perhaps it is the ability of the person to give consent that many question.
A scene in a Denver sex club came into national spotlight recently: “A man tying up a woman, bringing a lit blowtorch to a candle and melting hot wax onto her chest until she appeared to pass out (Baca).” So, how could this woman give consent for this? In the same article Dr. Martinez explains the scene. “There is a misconception that the pain is nonconsensual…. When your making a third person observation, it certainly looks painful but that’s not understanding the psychology of, for that matter, the sexual desire that accompanies it, much less the advanced negotiation that goes into it (Baca).”
Dr. Martinez’s point makes even more sense when one looks at how “normal” sex is practiced. If one were to drop in at the point of insertion (penis into vagina). One could see a woman in pain. Ignoring what led up to this point, the act itself could be viewed as rape.
The woman, did not want this pain, the man caused it. In order for sadomasochistic sex to be viewed as a consensual act, one must look at it from the beginning. That leads to the next question. When does Sadomasochism begin as a sex act or “scene” as it commonly called?
No sex act begins with the act of intercourse; there is always foreplay. Though insertion may be the ending point to a sex act, it is not the beginning of it. There may be kissing, there may be petting, or a simple exchange of kind words. With S/M the view of the sex act must be taken a step further. Unless the couple is very experienced, or knows each other very well, they cannot simply jump into the act. S/M requires a discussion of limits, what one likes, what one doesn’t. This is when the sex act begins; this is where consent is given, and where the main differences between S/M and rape lie.
In Screw the Roses Send Me the Thorns, a book on how to practice safe S/M, the authors take time out to describe the importance of negotiation. Molly Devon describes the reasons simply; “for the safety, sanity, and happiness of both partners (Devon).” S/M negotiation differs from that of “vanilla” (“normal” sex) on two fronts. First, with vanilla, a man or a woman is likely to state specifics, such as “I like having my ears licked.” With S/M the sex act is so broad that one has to talk in broader terms, such as “I like being licked.” Secondly, most of the discussion about what a person will do during vanilla sex is done during the act. With S/M, sometimes the partner cannot talk, or cannot state a limit during the scene. As such, with S/M negotiations, a person has to state his/her limits beforehand. As the sex is so much more dangerous, so must the discussions be more open and frank. However, assuming negotiations have taken place, and all is set for the scene, not all of the act can be orchestrated. At some point, the top (sadist) is going to be exerting his/her power over the bottom (masochist), and that is at the very core of rape. This brings the question of: what makes this force of will consensual?
Carol Truscott was a lesbian when it was considered to be a mark of insanity (1970’s). She is also a practicing sadomasochist. In her essay “S/M: Some Questions and A Few Answers” she argues that power-exchange is part of life, and therefore its placement during consensual sex is not at issue. However, she also points out that it’s what both partners are ultimately seeking during a sadomasochistic sex act. She points to the original communication as an indication of what brought them to this point. “If two people don’t talk about what they want to do and how they want to do it, the relationship won’t work (Truscott).” Still, that doesn’t answer the question of how one party forcing their sexual will on another differs from rape. For Truscott, it is that both parties mutual satisfaction with the scene. She writes “individual practitioners of S/M find psychological benefits according to their own needs (Turscott).” As with “normal” sex the practitioners of S/M find a joy in their practice. With rape there is not a feeling of elation, for at least one member of that act.
When a woman or man is raped, there are post trauma symptoms that come with it. Depression, lowered feelings of self worth, and thoughts of suicide (Stout). However with S/M, the results are far more positive for both parties involved. Describing a scene she had with her lover S/M bottom Tina Portillo states “when she left I was in an orgasmic state that lasted for weeks (Portillo).” Ms. Portillo is describing her mood post a severe paddling, that she was “forced” to undertake as part of a sex act with her partner. She did not feel weakened by the act, nor did she feel less like herself because of it. “With the right top, as on that night, I feel safe enough to be sexually vulnerable the way I want to (Portillo).” She is describing feelings that she has, that are not consistent with the emotions of a person in the thralls of rape. She feels safe, and sexual, these are not emotions a person who is being raped feels, nor with a person who is being used.
“Most simply sadomasochism is about consent. Violence is about coercion (Turscott).” Ms. Turscott brings up the point; that although there is punching, paddling and spanking, they are not done as an act of violence. Although the outcome of the actions may be the same physically… mentally, the effect is very different. It is sort of the equivalent of a child playing cops and robbers. He may be jailing his friends but the desire of the game is not to incarcerate one’s friends, but to have fun; same with S/M it seems. Though one is “forcing” a lover to perform certain acts, the desire is not hurt one’s partner, but to bring them happiness. Why, then, have the rules? Why play the roles?
Roles exist for much the same reason that all S/M does, because it’s what the participant wants. Nothing is for certain when it comes to sex, S/M is no different. The trick is to be sure that your partner knows what you want, and what you don’t want. “The moronic dominant who locks a claustrophobe in the dark is a whiz compared to the submissive who neglected to mention her fear of confinement (Devon).” In this quote, the author points out one pitfall of S/M while showing an important facet of it. In both cases, neither the top, nor the bottom is getting what they want.
Due to a lack of communication or knowledge on either’s part, one is in danger. Since the top is the one in control of the act, it falls on him/her to take responsibility for it. In this case the top should remove the bottom from the closet and they should probably talk through it. This does bring up the final point, what happens when S/M goes bad? All sex can go bad; there is no question of that. However, with the missionary position, bad means that it didn’t feel good. With S/M however, bad may mean that one’s life may be in danger. Which leads to the final confrontation; does is then become rape?
It becomes yes, and no. On one level it was merely a bad experience, when handled properly. But what if it’s not handled properly? Or if the mistake is so grave, that it affects the person’s life? That is where it gets fuzzy. A bad scene has many of the same effects as rape. A person tends to feel depression, they feel less empowered, and (if the act was severe enough) they may have lasting physical scars. However, any therapist will tell you that intentions are often what make the difference. In proper S/M the top is not attempting to harm the bottom, he/she is attempting (ultimately) to please the bottom. An S/M top named states her play this way “I become somebody important, somebody strong, somebody that no one will ever hurt again. There are no victims in my scene, only survivors (Stamps).” With this quote, Stamps spells out the ultimate difference between S/M and rape. The participants of the act are not victims, and although a bad scene may lead to that conversion, it is not the intention nor the desire of either party.
S/M is about a lot of things to a lot of people, but they all do it for the same reason, they enjoy it. At the end of this, thinking over all the literature I have read, I conclude that maybe the reason we write so much about it is that it defies a lot of our notions on sex. There is no purpose to s/m beyond enjoyment, no children produced, and sometimes not even the final act of orgasm is included. It is the ultimate in formal sex (opposite of casual), it has to be planned, thought up, talked out, and discussed. However, like normal sex, it can only work when both parties want it. It is not rape, nor is it nonconsensual by any means. There are elements of both in S/M to be sure, but the outcome for the participants is a positive one. Ultimately, the meaning of any sex act, the repercussions, and the feelings of it, can only be decided by one person, the person who did it.
On a personal note:
This research topic brought to my attention a lot of things which I have been avoiding. As a practicing sadomasochist, I often wonder what makes this violence acceptable to me. Although I am gay, and subsequently interact with men and not women, the same issues that surround their scene surround all sadomasochistic acts. We all wonder what brings us to do this. We may be content with our sex lives, but wondering why is something distinctly human. So performing a sex act that is sometimes referred to as “socialized rape” takes a toll on anyone I assume. However, going over all the essays, and arguments, I feel more okay. There were many reasons given for why we engage in the these acts: to make one feel more masculine, to help one cope, to allow one to alter their conscience, and so on. Each followed with the tag line of “safe, sane, consensual”, none of them really seeming to dive into the questions that always bated my breath. “Is this okay? Am I okay for doing it? Am I okay for wanting it?” Well, I don’t know if I answered that question, but I feel better.
So why do we do it? What defect of birth, mail aligned childhood element or otherwise tragic cause brought us here? Truth is, sex,
all sex, is a coping mechanism. It’s not that you can link it all directly, and liking pain does not have to come from an absentee father, or some kind of genetic failure. Good sex gives the human brain a feeling that we crave. Just as vanilla sex occurs for many reasons, same with s/m.
For some that may be intimacy you achieve when you bruise for another human being (like the two men who get into a fist fight and wind up buying each other drinks after). For others it may be that security of when you knew there existed right and wrong, the spanking from “dad” reinforcing that notion. For others it may be simply about the feeling, I know a woman who likes to run her fingers over the scars from a cutting scene. There are a million different reasons for one to these acts.
But for every reason is the same base to start off from. We want something that life is not giving us. We are coping with reality, and as such we demand a break from it. Like the man who feels so out of control with the rest of his life he enjoys controlling his wife for a few hours. Or that intimacy of bruising I mentioned before, perhaps that person has trouble connecting with people. Even without the pain, even the act of submission can be gratifying to a person who has to be in control of almost every other aspect of their life. All sex, all good sex, heals us in some fashion.
Even vanilla sex, if you don’t just look at insertion. There is always holding after (again, good sex), or kissing before. Sometimes we even call it “making love” and that’s what it is, ultimately. Your creating something that extends beyond the bedroom, something that clings to you like cigar smoke, that good emotion. That’s why we do S/M, it heals us, sticks with us. For most of us, in a way that vanilla sex never did.
