the rapist
Lots to write about Special K thinks I need to see a shrink. But it’s not the insulting kind of “you need help, freak.” I think it’s more a friend seeing a problem and wanting to help it. Like if your best friend has a bad cough and you were to say “how about you see a doctor?” My trouble is this: I, apparently, don’t want to. I don’t know when it happened. But I just don’t like the idea of going back into a therapist’s office anytime soon. I suppose this is recent, you see I saw a therapist from july of 2000 to September of 2003, I began seeing her because I came out. It was helpful, really helpful, but also a great pain in the ass. You see, therapy is not fun. It’s a process; it’s about looking deep within you and facing the reality. It’s about figuring out how to change that reality, or how to like that reality. At the time, I hated myself for being gay, believing it to cause me to be an outsider. I felt separated from my peers, I had lost part of myself. I couldn’t play football (I figured the other kids would hate me if I tried), or do track. So…I felt lost. She helped, helped a lot. But it was painful, nail dragging. “why do you feel that way” “why do you want that” “why do you think that?” She challenged me in a way I hadn’t been before. So from 16-17 we talked about being gay. Than at 17 I started to play, I gave head here and there. Talk about boyfriends (yes, I wanted one). But we talked more, and I realized I didn’t really want one, I wasn’t ready. What I wanted was more experiences of sex…So I got that (this is blog depicts that a lot). Then I discovered kink. And I hid it from her. It was shameful in a way that scared me. Piss, pits, ropes, bruises, rug burns, begging, and welts. But one day I told her, told her everything, the filthy dirty parts, the clean parts, and the fantasies. She didn’t blink. “Well, we have more to talk about it seems.” Anyway…we talked about it. But at that point, it was about how to do it safely. I didn’t theorize S/m then, it was a new fun/scary thing. Now it’s a Fun/scary thing, that do and want to understand. For the most part, I try not to think too deeply about the “y”. The “y” is a scary unknown in my life. But I am starting to think about it. The “y” is anything. Why do you like blue? Why don’t you want it in pink? Y, it’s all over, and I am going to look for it I think. Anyway…what brought this on? I got my Adderall (Ritalin, but better) filled today. I am going to start trying it out. But ADHD meds aren’t like normal meds, in order to get them you have to see a doctor once a month. This Doctor asks you questions about life, how your family is, how your home life is, how school is, how your friends are, your sex life. Which isn’t so bad…but after awhile you know the answers, and you know what to say to get what you want. today the doctor complimented me for “expedient answers.” Sigh, I am giving myself till next fall. Then I am going to see consider a therapist. I need a break from it for a bit. But thanks Special K, you’re a good man.
- posted by G @ 2:46 AM