the great mentalist
you know what a mentalist is? he/she is a person who does what a psychic does, but without the bullshit of telling you a spirit helped. basically a mentalist performs a magic trick, without the magic. The mentalist won't tell you how it's done, other than to say that he/she caught something. I won't tell you why i related this information, but if you read on, you'll probably figure out why. This boy (man) i just met is about to be out of school, he is also about to be out of an old relationship. Or, at least he is going to be facing his current one going through a change. You see, this boy (man) got involved with a great man a couple years ago. This great man helped the boy. He took this confused boy (man) and gave him direction, helped him. But the great man came with someone else. This great man has a boyfriend whom he has been with many more years than the boy. The great man's BF does not like the boy. And there in lies the boy's (man's) problem. There are other tragedies of course, other reasons for the dismantling. But here is this boy(man), put in a difficult place by his Sir. He is angry (or, i think should be), and confused. he loves his Sir, he wants be with his Sir. So right now, Daddybear and Sir are having him stay with them well he figures out what do about his relationship. Sufice to say, he has a lot to decide, and when i sit next to him, i can almost feel it's weight. So, i say this without jaddedness, without anger, without fear. Don't trust anyone with everything. Don't put all your faith in anything, even G*d doesn't answer people sometimes. Have a backup, have an out. No one will ever take care of you the way you can take care of yourself. you have to believe that. I do. not to say don't ever trust people, i just mean, don't believe that they are all you need. That you can count on them forever. It just won't happen, everyone screws up, most people won't intend to screw you over, but you have to be prepared for it to happen. But's the event has brought up this worry inside me, this fear i can't seem to face. no...thats not it, it's this fear i can face, i just can't seem to stare down. With my other fears, i could always reason them out, or do something to remove them from me. Like, i was scared of water (more sharks, but it extended to swimming pools). So i got up early one day (i was 10, we were at our rented summer beach house). I ran out to ocean just as the sun was coming up, and i swam, as far out as i could. I practically drowned on the way coming back, but i got over my fear. Swimming would never be as scary as when i did it in the ocean, alone, exhausted, and when it was barely light out. So going into pools became fun. I like to face my fears, they give me an excuse to do something exciting. It's the basis for a lot of the scenes i do...if the thought terrifies me, i am usually in. But here i sit with this fear, like a dog that follows me around. I am worried that my addition will adversly effect the relationship of Sir and Daddybear. That's it. this basic, worry. it's stupid, they have been together 8 years, they love eachother. But adding a person (even on that will only be there part time), shifts things. and i want them to be the way they are now, with or without my presence. sounds noble doesn't it? "oh he wants to see those two together even if that means he can't have them!" No, it's selfish, incredibly so. Just knowing they are together gives me hope. And i find my life severly lacking in hope, sometimes. I know it's just a stupid fear, but, it's one i can't stop from invading my thoughts. On an unrealated note...Daddybear fucked me last! I didn't really enjoy it, but Sir says that it takes time. And i want to spend time on it. It was wierd though, my hole felt raw, and this whole weekend i have been working overtime mentally trying not to think about some things. But there i was getting fucked. It hurt, i wanted it to stop, i begged, whined. Daddybear didn't, it's Sir and Daddybear's hole, they get to use it when they want. It's a hot thought, a hot practice. But as i was getting fucked, i felt it again, that feeling, that well inside me. and it made me think about all this stuff that i havd been trying not to think about. These insecurities, these demons, these desires. I didn't want to cry again, so i focused on the physical pain, trying hard to concentrate on that only. it worked. But then Daddybear cam, and pulled out of me, and the pain was gone. And i was left with the thought. Sir and Daddybear noticed i think, i kept telling them i was fine. I was, but the thought persisted. This desire i had to grab my stuff, get dressed, and run to the bus stop. Snag a random one. This want i suddenly felt. This massive pull. So heavy i was doing an inventory of what i brought, how much money i had, and where i could go. G*d it sounds stupid, but i wanted to tell Sir, tell Daddybear. Just tell them, say it aloud. But i couldn't find the words, i could only tell them i was fine. But how do you say "all i want to do is run right now, it will pass, but i feel it." You don't, you just lay there. you let it pass. You hold Daddybear, or get close to Sir, and hope they will forgive you for not telling them. and it passes. Sometimes when i trick i get that feeling, and bam, out the door i go. I have never stayed when i felt that way. It usually comes when some emotional thing hits me. Like this man held me after i blew him, then said "so maybe we could have dinner some night, and i could get to know you." It was when i was 17, i looked at him as i put on my pants, and said "why don't we try coffee...but i gotta get going...you can e-mail me or something" Latter that night i found myself in hartford (2 1/2 hours from me, and i had just gotten my license 5 days prior). So i couldn't figure out why i had that feeling, why it came to me. i mean the big emotional feeling should have been the night before when i lost my virginity (that word still sounds funny to me). But there i lay being held by Daddybear, holding his arms trying to stop the thought. So last night i had the dream. It's always the same, I start out running, i leap over the neighbors fence first, then run through their backyard, leaping over the next neighbors fence. Then i am on the street, and i suddenly i am driving, flying down the freeway, and i stop. I get out of the car, and i finally spread my wings. But not it time it always seems, you see my car gets hit from behind (don't park on a freeway). and it flips into me, just as i am lifting off the ground, i get flung and then i wake. I am glad to be with Sir and Daddybear right now, and as weird as it feels to say this. Especially when i felt like that, today the thought wasn't there. But its in me still. Why can't i just let go? I suppose all things take time.
- posted by G @ 6:15 PM