BLAH!
Friday, March 26, 2004
Rebuilding year
My birthday is only a week and 3 days away. Its kind of getting me wierded out. No…that’s not it. It’s depressing me. Mia and Sue couldn’t make it up to Boston. Which was my big hoorah of introducing somebody to my Sirs, so that won’t be happening, which is upsetting. But what’s getting me down about my b-day isn’t that, it’s the knowledge of this tendency of mine. I put people in boxes in my head. Boxes are great for organizing things but not a good thing if you want to really get to know a person. It limits them, has you call them when they fit your puzzle. I’ve done that a lot this year. Placed people in sections, and I can see how I’ve hampered our relationship because of it. And these things tend to be more obvious when there are times for gatherings. I haven’t met anyone who has crossed those borders yet. I guess I keep trying to put this vice like gripe around my life. Plan it out, and every time I think I’ve got a handle on anything the handles fall off. Which I am told is how life works. It’s just (and this is true of the first year of college I think), I don’t know anyone all that well. And no one knows me all that well. Sigh…I miss high-school for that reason. Everyone’s life was easily read. You hung out in their homes, saw the history, you knew a persons history without a single question (gossip handled that). So, you could be friends with relative ease. But now it seems there is all this work to be done. You have to be asking questions, prying, spending time, and in turn you have to (ugh) share your own stories. I just feel so awkward with the whole “getting to know you” thing. I worry that I’m going to trip up, say the wrong thing. Friendships are as anxiety laden as hookups, but you don’t get the benefit of giving head at the end of it. But if you click, you get to know someone. Meanwhile Conc has asked me to plan his birthday party. Which is adding anxiety as he’s putting a lot of faith in me. And it’s hard cause I have to be sure to plan something he would want. And more over, I’m getting this nostalgic feeling for High school which is in it self hideous. But I am realizing more and more just how socially awkward I feel. It’s like I stopped maturing after 14 and just started faking it. Can we tell I saw my therapist? Speaking of which, my therapist wants to start exploring my “tendency towards obliviousness” so there’s that to look forward to. And tomorrow I meet with my father to discuss taxes so there is that to look forward to. But you know what I really can’t wait for? Flogging tomorrow, with FlogThrob (GMSMA Mega hottie). Oh yeah. Focus on breathing, present back, let go, enjoy the ride. And not to end my whole b-day on a sad note. It will be good, and I am gathering people and having them meet up. I am excited for it. It’s just going to be a bit strange this year is all. Oh well, it’s a rebuilding time.
Tuesday, March 23, 2004
Love, soon.
It’s funny, isn’t it? I don’t think any other word is viewed with the affection and fear that love is. I know so many people who want to be “in love” or “find love,” I don’t understand that. Actually, I do, in that I think we all have a desire to find someone. However, love takes a lot of work and causes more heartache than it fixes. But so many of us forget that relationships are a two way street, no matter what you are in the relationship (slave, boy, Sir, Daddy, etc.). And that’s what gets me about people who go boyfriend hunting. No one fits into a persons life easily. You have to make time, and that means less time for your other friends, but you weigh the options and you choose. If your searching for a boyfriend or someone else to play significant other, well, I just don’t think it happens. It has to move on its own wave length. I know I tend to be a bit dramatic. so forgive me when I put these thoughts out. I love my Sirs, they are just so good, and so wonderful. Not all the time, and they aren’t perfect, but they are what I want. It’s strange, re-reading a lot of what I put as I was getting to know them, I didn’t want to admit how much I desired that. And I guess I forget sometimes that I still do. 6 months of knowing them, 3 of them as my Sirs, it’s like they’ve been around forever. I like that feeling. However, they fit so easily into my head that I sort of needed to remind myself that they don’t fit as easily into my life. I need to set aside weekends, and yes, that means I don’t have as much time for other people in my life…but I am a better person because of my Sirs. And I know that. I have sort of come to terms with it. I can’t have it all, but I can have most of it. And man do I have most of it. I got up there (Boston from NYC) on Thursday night. They congratulated me on doing well on my math midterm (95!). They held me a bit, and we watched some TV, they fed me some chicken, and then we hung out for a bit before bed time. Friday was marvelous; it started off with my Sirs inviting me to spend some time in their bed. I love it when I get a chance to be in between them, I’m so thankful for those moments. It’s just feeling their warmth pressed against me. And then they started doing something wonderful, they jerked me off! Sir explained that it was because of my good grade (note to self: become A student). Anyway, Daddybear was playing with my (Their) hole, and Sir had his hand on my cock. I was licking Sir, and feeling Daddybear’s finger inside me. Suffice to say that I shot a nice load. Then they called in sick to work! So I got an extra day with them (really with them, not them at work, but them at home!). We walked around Boston (it’s growing on me a little). They needed to get some things so we rode the T and went to this Mall. While we were there, Sir and Daddybear held hands for a bit wandering around as I followed behind them. It’s fun to see them act all couple-ish, just nice to see. On the walk home we threw snowballs at each-other. It was so fun. When we got back we hung around for a bit, but Sir and Daddybear’s friends were coming over so we couldn’t do much. Daddybear did fuck me though, which I am starting to really like. Feeling him inside me, the pain of it with the mix mmmm, so nice. Saturday was cool too! After Friday we slept in just a little bit. It was a mostly lazy Day, I got some studying done, learned how to make fajitas (well, watched Sir make them). But Sir and I did play, which was great. Sir and I tend not to get as much alone time as I would like. He’s busy a lot and has another boy so I understand that. But, when he has time and we can hang out alone it’s nice. After watching him make fajitas, and finishing my studying, Sir told me to put on my boots. I complied and followed him to the bed room. He tied me up with me laying stomach down. We did hot wax at first…which I just don’t like it turns out. Sir wanted to be sure that the scene He and Daddybear did was not the reason for my reaction to it. I just don’t like it though. Hot wax feels (to me) like I am having an allergic reaction. It’s not painful or anything, just itchy. Sir switched over to using his hands and his floggers. He would whisper “good boy” when I focused on my breathing. It was a good scene, I think, I haven’t had any marks from my Sirs yet which is upsetting, but each scene gets better, and I am getting better. After the scene Sir held me a bit. I’ve been holding back on saying “I love you” to my Sirs, as I wasn’t sure if it bothered them, and I know they know I do. Sirs hand was resting in between my cheeks, rubbing my (His) hole slightly. He commented how I become a big kitten whenever someone touches it (hehe, yes). I would love to just sleep with one of them inside me someday, it’s so comforting in a way I can’t yet explain. I just love them, I really do. Sir also said he knew it was hard not to hear “I love you” back. And, it truth it’s not, not with them… I know they care about me and, this may sound weird, but I feel like it’s only a matter of time before they love me back. And even if they never do, I know I’m important to them, and that’s what counts. That night we played a game with some more of Sir and Daddybear’s friends and Sir’s other boy. He’s not collared by Sir, or under consideration as far as I know, but he is important to Sir and a nice guy too. It was a cool evening. Daddybear wanted to fuck me that night…but Sir had played with my hole a bit and I wanted to be sure that it was okay, so I asked him if we could do it on Sunday. Sir pointed out it was lame excuse, throwing me over the couch to inspect my (Their) hole (purr). And, in truth it was, I’m being over protective of that body part, and I need to start trusting my Sirs to handle it. Daddybear and I did fool around that night, though (woohoo!). He got me so turned on I was begging for him to fuck me…but we didn’t really have time for the prep work (Sir recommends not eating a couple hours before if I think I might be doing that). After play I told some of my fantasies to Daddybear. I like it when they say possessive things to me. Like: “that’s My good boy” and the like, but I kind of want it dirtier…like: “yeah, that’s My good little play thing” or “yeah, put out for me My fuck toy” or “cum for Me, My slut boy.” Things of that nature. And I spoke about some other fantasies too… Sunday was nice too though… We all just hung out, Sir made lasagna. Then we saw the movie “Dawn of the dead” it was late night, and man…I am such a scaredy-cat about that stuff. I couldn’t sleep so I asked to spend the night in Sir and Daddybear’s bed. They let me, and it was nice, but not the same as being asked there. I really do like it when I earn stuff. Oh and I spoke with Girlfag on the phone! Smart, nifty, and all around good person. She liked my quote “to sleep, perchance to dream, perchance to mess with reality”
Thursday, March 18, 2004
Specs
So specs and I have been talking…and I brought up that I want to play with him. So there was a form to fill out specs tends to be a bit demanding that way. I don’t know, filling it out reminded me of being in his apartment. It’s a fond memory…so I want to make more. What is it about memories like that? we see a swing we want to go back to when our feet didn’t touch the ground. At least I do, sometimes. So I want to go back.
Kid Hop
Making up names for people is tough. Tonight i had a lovely dinner with Kid Hop it was lovely. Indian for 10 bucks, lovely, simply lovely. DaReal and i had coffee today and he reminded me of something he said "When i get down on NYC it usually means i haven't left the house enough" So true. Sigh. I will write about kid hop tommorow. sleep now TMP is coming!!!!
Wednesday, March 17, 2004
Tatoo
Oh and Jews are allowed to get tatoos (non religious one's) Thank you Rabi Fien. I am thinking a tiny heart like the carebears have (kidding)
Know Delusions.
So the first night ended with me crawling into bed with Rebecca. We chat a bit about the realities of spending the night together (I love that moment, when you discuss whether you want to snuggle and you explain how you sleep). I passed into sleep while staring into the Canadian sky. The next day was great! I was up at the crack of 1:00 pm (with the Canadian exchange rate, so it was like getting up at 10:00 am here). The day consisted of visiting a large church (felt like I was going to burn up), and a museum. It was a nice day. We talked about gay issues, life issues. And I have been amazed to see how little our dollar is worth in Canada (thank you bush). We went to Mont Royal street where you can buy cheap clothing and such (Montréal has great thrift stores). So we perused the shops and talked more. It was nice, it’s how I want my life to be. So I want to visit Toronto, and if I like it, I am gonna try to move there after college. Cause I love montreal, but it’s too tiny. Think about it: free healthcare, mandatory vacation from the government, a newspaper that has more on politics than incest-murder trials that won’t effect you in the long run. Meanwhile that night we all went out to the cheapest bar in town. Rebbeca, sean, some kid he picked up from the club last night, Jes, Keith and Guatemo. It was fun, we went bar to bar for a bit, settling upon the parking pub. Then we hit up the club next door. I met some guy on the dance floor (I got a picture of him and me kissing on a pool table). But I went home with friends again, and man was it worth it, I go t all this gossip and dirt. Man I had a good time. And last night I saw Alli, it’s good to know that we still can connect. Her mother forced food on my (she is a total jewish mother), and she apologized. Then we watched “how high” (‘how could I fail women studies? I love bitches’). Life is good. And I got a 95 on my math test, I get a kiss for it!!!! And man a 95 feels good. If I keep this up, I could make honors, and then I could get lots oh scholarship cash
Stranger things have happened.
I had such an amazing weekend. On Friday I hung out with this guy. He said something to the effect of? ?why keep hooking up so much?? I didn?t really have an answer, and I will admit, I was looking forward to hooking up with men in Montreal. And even he asked that I still was looking forward to it. So then I spend the night before montreal packing, I didn?t get any sleep. So on the bus I?m mostly sleep, but I manage to chat with a couple kids I know. Rebecca spent the previous night getting plastered so she spent the ride sleeping. I don?t have a portable music player anymore (I dropped it too many times), Otherwise I would bbe listening to KATY ROSE, as all people should be. Anyway, I spent the time talking, sleeping, and reading another persons cosmo (the Adams apple of your boyfriend is an erogenous zone, and *Gasp* he may like his nipples sucked). We got in around 4:30. So we did a little shopping (I know that sounds gay) I bought some stuff for friends (cheap stuff). But, I totally miscalculated how much money Montr?al would cost me. Which is extraordinarily sad, since this week I want to work, but they don?t need people till Friday, and I am not waiting till Saturday to see my SIRS. So I think I will work a 12 hour next Thursday, 8 hour Saturday, 12 hour Sunday. Or something like that, or something. We shall see. Anyway, we show up, and our hotel room is small. It?s housing 4 college students for 2 days and the trip was costing 60 so I expected them to give us a small one, and they did not disappoint. ?hmm, this room might drive me to drink? I remember someone saying. And maybe it did. Cuase I spent the past weekend in a state of non-sobriety. WOW. I don?t think I could do that again anytime soon, but a weekend of drunk is something to be appreciated, but next time I will budget for it. You see, beer is expensive. And so is getting drunk, both were things I had not planned to purchase. So the first night I went out to the gay district with some fellow homosexuals (Rebecca was out with a pal that goes to McGill). We start out the night at Unity II, a local club. I don?t drink often, so I got a beer, (mistake: Canadian beer is largely more alcoholic than American beer). It was a pretty cool night, I got to bond with some kids from my school I have been neglecting to hang out with. Getting drunk brings people together, and for that reason I was happy to do it. And unity II is a great club, good music in one of the rooms and a pool table in another, and house on the floor (not chicks allowed, boo, it?s a club). Next it was time for me to bounce for a couple hours, I went over to the black eagle (boo!!!!) it was nice, but only a little leather, and not really anybody who even looked the role. Just a Twinkie guy who wanted me to take a shot of tequila. It?s sort of how I fear the New York eagle will be one day. No one in montreal seems to know what leather is, I had on my thick collar and there was only a vague idea of it. Granted, I was there for a night, and didn?t do the net hookup thing, so I am not one to have a vast view of it. But it was just irksome And I lost my star on my collar which SUCKS! But with some thoughts still in my head I made out with a few men, and then went home. More tomorrow!
Saturday, March 13, 2004
OKAY
the bus is here, the bags are packed, and becca is telling me we must go! adios! still to come Specs therapist Other things
Playing with GARCHOMP again, and the story of why it stopped:
Still waiting for the bus, grumble, love the wireless I met Garchomp as I was just starting to get to know my Sirs. One day I received an ultimatum from him. It read, essentially, that he didn’t like that I had these promises to other men. He wanted me to his. And, in part I wanted that too. But, it didn’t feel right for me. For whatever reason, I felt this need to at least explore playing with the men who would become my Sirs. But there was this ultimatum, and that sucked. It wasn’t anything to harsh, or mean. It simply stated his belief at the time, which was “I want boy without strings” So that was that, I resolved to visit my Sirs and decide after. And visiting them went well… But I got an e-mail from him a couple days ago. And I did like playing with him…I just don’t know how I feel about it. I want to see him, and I want to play, but I need to be sure it’s the right thing to do. Make sense? The man I had Dinner with (DAReal) Meanwhile I had a nice time with Dareal, a great time, we are hanging out Wednesday! Which bring up a whole host of questions. Like where am I going with it? Sigh, just one of those things I have to ride with out knowing the loops. Aprentiship in a dungeon. There is this Dungeon in nyc, I am hoping to help out there, and be able to use it for play, thus completing my links. Woohoo! My plan to rebuild NYC leather. I am gathering everyone I know who believes in S/m as a lifestyle and more. Or trying to at least, I still have so much to work out…but I am getting something worked out in my mind and then I can get it worked out in life. Nothing to strict just yet, but getting people to know one another sure sounds like a community don’t it?
Off!
I am off to montreal! Blog when i am back or if the hotel has a net thingy and life aint to hard to do it. 8 hour bus ride Should be fun. Here's the thought in my head...why do i like sleeping around? What am i afraid will happen if i stop? Girlfag, call me!
Thursday, March 11, 2004
MEGA hottie from GMSMA/TNG who I had coffee with last night:
Sigh…what makes a man a mega hottie? It’s pretty simple. You have to be hot (attractive to me). And then there is this second component, we will call it aura. Sir and Daddybear are mega hotties. It’s essentially this combo of being dominant without being distant. I know my Sirs as people, but I also know them as my Sirs. The two don’t confuse each-other. It’s this cuddly warmth that makes me want to expose myself and have them bruise me. So now what do we call GMSMA Hottie? I am unsure. So he shall be GMSMA hottie until I come up with something. But you should understand this is the man whom demoed at TNG. He is so smart, and erotic, and really cares about the community, but he is not pompous about doing it. And he agrees with my thoughts on GMSMA. It is not serving the community the way is should be. It’s lost a bit of it’s mission statement. And he’s hot. He was licking my ear in the back of this GMSMA meeting, and I think my vision went blurry for a moment. So I handed him this blog address today, which I haven’t been doing a lot of because this blog has been a bit heavy recently. What with all that’s happening. So I have been holding off on giving it out till I know people better. I don’t want them to get on this thing and think “woah!” I rather they have a reference. And then if they thing Woah, that’s okay. So I am hoping to see him for play, but there are restrictions on him from his relationship. And I understand that (there are restrictions on me from mine). Either way, he is a cool person to know. But heres hoping for nakedness. Anyway, I have this date tonight, and I am nervous, This is with DAReal, Dinner at some Italian joint and a movie. It’s quaint. I don’t realty do quaint. So lets hope the movie is porn… Sigh, i better head out, if I want to be there on time. Still left to go over: Playing with GARCHOMP again, and the story of why stopped My meeting with my therapist wednesday Why I may play with Specs again (and why I may be a moron) Aprentiship in a dungeon. My plan to rebuild NYC leather. The man I will be having dinner with tomorrow.
Thoughts for the summer:
Alright I have a couple goals, which, I will have to run by my Sirs. Actually they aren’t so much goals as desires. So here are my Summer Desires in no particular order. 1) go on a trip somewhere (grandma’s house in Norfolk?) 2) get a place in NY/NJ area 3) Find a new job that pays better than my current one (sending out resume’s now). 4) Find a new job that is closer than my current one (sending out resume’s now). Waiter anyone? 5) Find an internship (sucking up/sending out resumes) 6) Apply for a loan to pay for college, and see what I can get (interest rates are totally low) 7) Work my ass off to pay for nice things 8) Get a group of leathermen from NY/NJ area to go the beach or something like that. 9) Play with Specs (more on this) 10) Get a tattoo, or piercing, something 11) Figure out my finances 12) pick out next years classes! 13) See if I can get more scholarship cash (the sweet green baby!) 14) Basically, set up my life for the next 3 years 15) make it to a leather event.
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
I may just be the luckiest mother fucker on this planet. This is a catch up blog btw, But there has to be something more to it, right? I mean, what makes me so special? I have these AMAZING people in my life and I can never quite seem to figure out why I get them. This weekend in Boston taught me that. I haven’t been thinking about killing myself. But I can understand why a person would do it. Sometimes thinking about living 50 years seems really hard. And there is SO much you can’t predict or understand. So, I guess it hits home in that way. So this weekend I went up to boston, saw my Sirs and met a couple of their friends (couple more). One of them in practicing for this leather title. They asked him questions, and helped him prepare for it (thing I got from it, be yourself, answer truthfully, if you don’t know you don’t know, put out). It was very cool to see something like that, to bear witness to it right in front of me. These men sitting around, helping one of their own, it’s very cool. And I want to have it. Anyway, as with all my weekends, there was a mild bit of drama. Not going to go into details, but one of my Sirs friends talked about having contemplated suicide. It was recent, he’s not going to do it, but he thought about it. It hit me hard, and I didn’t expect it to. Sigh…I feel so weak in that area. There are so many times when I don’t want to bring it up. And yet, you have to when people really want to know about recent events. I just feel so…fragile. And not across the map fragile, but still there is this lingering soreness there. And I figured out why. I have in-abilities. I can’t be there for all my friends. Emotionally, I am not accustomed to playing that role. And I know I don’t have to be yet. But Mike was an example of someone who didn’t have people like Sir and Daddybear in his life. No one was pressing him to talk about it, or talk about his emotions. So hearing this man discuss how fortunate he felt to know my Sirs, how happy he was to have them in his life…I felt kind of foolish. I fail to appreciate them I think. Not totally, but not as much as I should. Earlier that weekend I had argued about studying and how I wanted to lower the amount I had to. Not going to do that no more, I get good grades now. But it goes beyond that doesn’t it? Yes. Anyway, we went out to a bar, and for whatever reason I needed to take a walk alone. I did, but not before Daddybear walked me outside to discuss it with me. We chatted. And he told me he loves me, it wasn’t a weak in the knees moment or anything. It was just a warm blanket when I needed one. He means it, and I mean it when I say it to them. There are hot coals I would walk over. But that’s it isn’t it? So I went for this walk. Just around Boston, not to far, not too long. Just long enough to feel the chill and realize, I DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW. That’s it. All the hooking up is fun, all the chit chat with men I don’t know well is great. I am not going to stop that. \But I want people to know me. The real me. The ADHD, nuzzle you to be affectionate, emotionally inept (at times), over his head (and loving it), drama queen, change his mind on a dime, me. and i'm getting a little tired of running all over. And I don’t want to be the kid who walks away from things just cuase he feels strange. Walking around, I got that. I’m not going to find it out there. I don’t know what I thought, like maybe I would trip over the answer to all my problems. Nah, that doesn’t happen. I won’t find solutions in Chicago either. Anywhoo Things to blog about: Plans for the summer MEGA hottie from GMSMA/TNG who I had coffee with tonight Playing with GARCHOMP again, and the story of why stopped My meeting with my therapist today Why I may play with Specs again (and why I may be a moron) Aprentiship in a dungeon. My plan to rebuild NYC leather. The man I will be having dinner with tomorrow.
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
MURDER YOU ALLL
it's 7 am, the alarm went off in my building. FIRE !!!!! no not really. some fan belt broke and caused smoke....hmmmm, if it was later in the day, i might be able to extract revenge..but it isn't i am so sleepy....urge to kill fading
Monday, March 08, 2004
Full Pink Moon
Full Pink Moon - April This name came from the herb moss pink, or wild ground phlox, which is one of the earliest widespread flowers of the spring. after my trip to boston i cruised over to WHIP's blog and he had a list of the full moon names. April is a full pink moon. I was born in a full pink moon month. It's just good to know that i think.
Saturday, March 06, 2004
Explanation of below
Sigh, it’s just kind of depressing to read how things I find difficult are possibly caused by AD/HD, and more over that I have to work harder. ARGHHHH!!!
Something to Consider
Characteristics of Adults with AD/HD The growth of Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD) and a renewed interest in research have contributed to the increased recognition of this disorder in both children and adults. Still, many adults grew up at a time when clinicians, educators, parents and the general public knew very little about AD/HD or its diagnosis and treatment. Consequently, greater public awareness has led to an increased number of adults seeking evaluation and treatment for AD/HD and its associated symptoms. The current diagnostic criteria for AD/HD (reworded slightly to be more appropriate for adults) according to the most recent Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) are: 1. Fail to give close attention to details or make careless mistakes at work 2. Fidget with hands or feet or squirm in seat 3. Have difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or fun activities 4. Leave seat in situations where seating is expected 5. Don’t listen when spoken to directly 6. Feel restless 7. Don’t follow through on instructions and fail to finish work 8. Have difficulty engaging in leisure activities quietly 9. Have difficulty organizing tasks and activities 10. Feel “on the go” or “driven by a motor” 11. Avoid, dislike, or are reluctant to engage in work that requires sustained mental effort 12. Talk excessively 13. Lose things necessary for tasks and activities 14. Blurt out answers before questions have been completed 15. Easily distracted 16. Have difficulty awaiting turn (impatient) 17. Forgetful in daily duties 18. Interrupt or intrude on others Although other symptom checklists are sometimes used in assessing adults for AD/HD, the above DSM-IV criteria are currently considered the most empirically valid. These core symptoms of AD/HD frequently lead to associated problems and consequences that often co-exist with adult AD/HD. These may include: 1. Problems with self-control and regulating behavior 2. Poor working memory 3. Poor persistence of efforts toward tasks 4. Difficulties with regulation of emotions, motivation and arousal 5. Greater than normal variability in task or work performance 6. Chronic lateness and poor time perception 7. Easily bored 8. Low self-esteem 9. Anxiety 10. Depression 11. Mood swings 12. Employment difficulties 13. Relationship problems 14. Substance abuse 15. Risk-taking behaviors 16. Poor time management
Frustrated
I really do have great Sirs. I can’t describe it but sometimes I just get frustrated with my life. It’s not where I want it to be. And I’m not yet who I want to be. But the problem is, I can’t be who I want to be yet. I mean I have some of his qualities but… I want to be this smooth, suit-wearing, calm talking, practicality thinking, business man. I want to travel, go places, stay in nice resorts, discuss politics with foreigners and buy nice things. I can’t yet. I have been sending Resume’s out like mad, and not getting back many responses. So I am visiting with my schools job center next week to punch up resume and aim for an internship. That, and sucking up to anyone who looks important. But I am getting closer. Learning more, knowing what to do, and what not to say. It’s all part of it. Growth takes (ugh) time. It’s the same with leather. For that matter, any growth. But I am not the boy I want to be yet. But I have some qualities that I really like. Last night was kind of strange. Conc called me up and asked me to hang out, and I was already in the hot seat cause I had tried to get study time knocked off. Anyway, he called me, and just sounded down. I hadn’t seen him in about 1.5 weeks (college schedules). I was all set to blow him off, not cuase I don’t want to see him, but because I had some studying to do. When this thought…what if he was reaching for me? No, he wasn’t not that way, but I’m finding my self Uber-sensitive to it. The phrase “I feel sad” scares me. So I blew off studying instead and went to sit in my dorm with him. Watching the tail end of MAD MAD HOUSE which is such a funny show… Then we went for coffee. And as were walking, I’m feeling down. So he kicked me, not hard or anything, just a pay attention kick. So then I tried to the do the same. It was the first time in awhile I haven’t felt so grown up. Sigh, but I’ve decided my best boy trait isn’t so much the desire to please, as it is the desire to not disobey. I have both…but I just can’t enjoy things to the fullest if I’m ignoring something to do them. So I was down. But what’s freaking me out is that fear I have now. I don’t want to lose someone again. And it’s not like Conc is near suicide, or that his call was about that, or even close. But he sounded sad. And I got scared. Just weird. On the plus side! I’m getting excited for next year. Planning to get an apartment (I am thinking china town, Brooklyn, or Jersey near the path). The trick is this. I want a place where I can swing a flogger. Not because I intend to be swinging a flogger a lot but I want to be able to have someone do it. And I need a big apartment to do that. So it probably won’t be china town, same with an X on Brooklyn. Either way, I am chatting with this guy I met at MAL, and we are thinking about roommates. He is kinky so that would be cool! (who ever I live with, they have to at least be gay). But a kinky one means that my Sirs could visit!! Or that we could have a sling in our living room, that sort of thing. And that all adds up to more play. And better play! So I am getting excited for it…but I also want to be sure that roomies is good for both of us. Having a roommate one hates would suck no mater what they like. So March 26, we meet for coffee and check things out! EXCITED!!!!! Oh, and the 21 y/o from TNG and I met up tonight as I waited for the china town bus (BOSTON HOOOOO!!!!) He lives like 4 blocks away. We just sort of chatted. But it was nice to meet someone exploring it. Some things he would say I would think “I remember saying that” but I try not to say those things aloud as I worry about how it sounds. But back to why I have great Sirs… They call me, and I feel good. That’s it. And this morning they let me snuggle in their bed, I didn’t even have to ask. I’m not allowed, but I’m getting that I don’t need to. Mmm hot!
Friday, March 05, 2004
Great day Wednesday
Sigh… just amazing. I had to get up at 9:00 am when I usually would have been in bed till 10-11..but I needed to get the therapists office (see post below). After that I had coffee by myself (I needed time to get my head together) I LOVE COFFEE!!!!!!!!! I would marry it and have its coffee babies (they would be raised Columbian). Anyway…I did my math as I sipped coffee, and thought. Then I quasi hit on this techy-guy. Not sure why, but I have been in a mood recently. But it is a good thing, to be sure. It’s not sluty per-say…but it’s very much in that area. I’m just feeling flirty. But post coffee was lunch with a man I am gonna call DAReal. He is from Dallas, he works as a real estate agent. So pretty, so nice, and he has big dogs (note to self, do not wear clothes to his place and visit SIRS, Sir is allergic). He’s kinky too, I told him about my Sirs, and he got this smile…like he was remembering a feeling. We fought over the check, I paid (lunch is cheap), but only after he made me promise to let him buy me dinner. So I am kinda Dating him…and I haven’t even given him head yet…that’s weird! Next was classes and studying. But after all that was a Flogging DEMO at TNG! A lot of new faces, and young people too! But man was the demonstrator hot…so pretty. Smart too, well spoken. Then I got to see him flog. Wow. Sigh…so I was paying attention. Listening…getting it. Besides a general desire on my part to understand how to flog, I also want to be able to empathize with my Tops. Anyway… the class ends and everyone is going out to get food. I pass my e-mail out like mad, and strike up a conversation with the teacher, he used my name when talking to me if I asked a question during the demo so I wanted to go for something… Man… I don’t know how…but I wound up having my head stroked (the big one). He was just rubbing it. And I was elsewhere (mind you I hadn’t cum since Tuesday), yeah, just feeling it. It didn’t really go further than that, but it was well worth it. So I helped him carry his floggers out to a cab and said my goodbyes before running over to join the rest of them at a dinner. There is this 21 y/o who intrigues me. We didn’t get to talk much (opposite ends of the table). But he seems nice and apparently BadF knows him so I am hoping there will be a chance to converse. BUT! I did get to chat with these two men. One a Dom just starting out, and really trying to explore it. And the other a bottom on the same idea. What was fascinating to me was how different the two approached things… I watched them chatting, and knew they would hook up, but it was fun to see it. You see, when one starts exploring as a bottom you can run around and just try it. All that it requires is a mild willingness to put yourself in scary places. Tops have to work harder, they need to be sure of what they are doing. So while the new top I met (Topilsophy) has been reading, and asking, and exploring. Figuring out what he wants and then looking for it, while the bottom more just has been jumping in when he sees the chance. Not knowing what he wants except to say “more.” I left after saying hi to badF, leaving the two I met to play around. On my way out I called DaReal since I told him I might be there, he didn’t pick up. But then I ran into him on the street! He was heading to the bar, but seeing me leave… he decided not to go ( he had just finished a night out of his own) So I walked him back to the subway, and 2 blocks down…he held my hand. Mmmmm I like. So we have plans for dinner next week. We shall see. Meanwhile I got an e-mail from the teacher of the class, thanking me for being such a “sexy, and attentive pupil.” One motion makes me feel all weak in the knees, there other makes me wanna fall to them. ONE DAY TILL BOSTON!!!!!!! They don’t even have to speak and I wanna be on my knees (back chest, side, whatever, I wanna be it)
Thursday, March 04, 2004
The Rapist
I don’t hate therapy…but I don’t really enjoy it either. I woke up at like 9 am (UGH!) and had to shower, and get ready for my first day of therapy. Therapy does not feel good, you do not have an Ally Mcbeal therapist who gives you a personal theme song. Therapy is telling a stranger your problems for money. It’s like paying a prostitute to listen to you whine. Sigh, but that’s how it has to be. You can’t want your therapist to like you. Not that your therapist can’t like you, but you can’t try to impress him/her. And in that way it’s really difficult for me. I want to be liked. But I get it, it doesn’t help me if I am liked. So therapy is kind of the process of breaking yourself down and letting it spill out. it’s not spilling your guts…it’s more just exposing them. It’s like surgery. You don’t feel good after, but you trust that you need to heal before that happens. But that requires faith. You have to believe you will get better, and that this is something important to that effect. Well, I believe in therapy, it’s helped before. But I am delving into something entirely new. I am seeing him once every other week. Mostly due to monetary constraints, but also, I am not a high risk patient. I can pull the day to day, and for the most part I am happy. But with Mikes death, and my Sir and Daddybear serving as a reminder of my perversions…bad word….my non-average desires. Well, suffice to say I need to do some upkeep. And more over, it’s time I stopped faking being okay about submission and me. You see...it’s not the s/m, it’s not that I like bondage, it’s not that I like flogging (g*d I love flogging). It’s the submission. You see submission, to me, is kind of like this shirt I had. It was a tight fitting (in the right places) black and white long sleeve shirt. My mother hated it. I looked good in it, but when I would raise my arms it would expose some skin. But it was comfy too, and warm but not too warm. It went in the laundry one day, never to return. That was back when I was 10 or so. But that’s submission to me. It’s a shirt that I like and my mother hates. And I can never seem to find the words to explain why it’s such a good shirt. See, but now…my closet is filled with clothes that parents would hate, I got over it. Most of my tight shirt expose my belly a little when I yawn. And I like that. And that’s what submission may become. And what is therapy? It’s a painful journey with a reward you can never quite understand till you have it. If you ever want to kill a frog…all you have to do is put it in a pot and slowly raise the temperature. The frog can’t tell that the heat is rising if you do it slowly enough. And eventually it boils. But that’s like people and emotions. Change a persons feelings slowly enough and they won’t notice… Maybe that’s what happened with Mike? He just kept feeling worse and worse till he was boiling and couldn’t remember that he didn’t always feel that way? Maybe he didn’t get it? Sigh…that’s therapy. This blog is going to get all philosophical.
Tuesday, March 02, 2004
Divided Penguin
I dreamed last night. Well, not dreamed (I tend not to remember dreams). I dreamed of last year, when I first joined Leather Navigator, just before flying out to Chicago to check out DePaul for the first time. When I first joined the site, my name was “DividedPenguin.” I was not a leather guy by any means (and still, not in some ways). I had little clue how to dress (I knew jeans and boots), and no clue how to act. But I had my images online and that bought me some time with people who could at least hint at what was okay. I made (and continue to make) use of the tools I have. I lucked out a lot. But the dream last night wasn’t about all of that. It was just of a moment, this thing that never happened. Sitting at a table with men I didn’t know. I felt like all my decisions, all my screw ups, all dumb things that had happened, and all the brilliant moments that had occurred, had been right. That it was all fine and good. I still have that feeling. I’m wrong about the conflicted thing. I’m conflicted. But it’s not that I have two feelings or feel two ways. It’s more that I’ve never had to make choices about this stuff…I was largely an outsider, and that was more my doing than anyone else. But that’s the point. I’m shifting my life, in minor but important ways, hanging around. So there are ups and downs…but right now? At this moment, I don’t regret any of it. It’s all be worth it, it’s all lead to something good. But that was the dream, a remembrance of that, a reminder that I have come a ways in a short time. But mostly it was there to remind me I am okay. And looking out my window at this moment. I’m pretty fucking happy. I’m excited for Boston this weekend. I am glad that I know them, and even happier that they are my Sirs. I move forward a lot more than I move back. The problem tends to be motion in general. When I slow down and look… I get it.
i love you
Oh! And on that kick of whatever the fuck I just wrote… Fuck having a boyfriend. I just want a guy I can spend the night with. Someone who loves me just a little, holds me just enough (I can’t remember what that’s from…). AND… Why is it so easy to tell a friend we love them…but to say it with people we sleep with is so hard? Shouldn’t that be the opposite? Like if I fuck some guy…shouldn’t he be able to say that? And yet…he can’t…can he? Cause that would imply things…oh my god, are we all afraid of being loved? Is that why it is so hard? Some inner thing tells us that it’s bad… I believe love should be a word we throw around as fast and easily as possible. It feels nice to say, and great to hear. Sorry, this stupid movie on TV where this man was like “people say I love you too easily, I want it to mean something” Like words ever really mean something that important. Fuck that. Love is a word that feels good to say. So say it. Often, and feel it often. Mean it when you say it. Saying “I love you” isn’t a promise, it’s a statement. One that needs to be said more. ARGHHH That’s why we are so screwed up… MORE LOVE DAMNIT.
Dumb doobie doo dumb dumb
I want a cool part time job. I want a close to my life job It doesn?t have to be the reason I get up, but it should be part of it So I am applying my ass off, but I can feel this sharp learning curve. The e-mails must be concise but they must also inform the person of my talents. And cross software continuity is key. Meanwhile I have been putting off writing about a lot of things. I am a total ADHD case. Sparkly things attract and distract me, and it astounds me how true that is about all of my life. I live in NYC, and yet, I long to travel to Chicago, cause is sparkles when I am this far away. I was watching a bit of ?the fugitive? (which takes place there) and thought...?yeah I could live there.? You see, shiny and new appeal to me Those sparkly words you hear in a bar when a man wants to take you home? Those pretty sayings when a person wants you want them? Those snappy one liners that make me swoon. Those deep questions when you want someone to think. I love it. And that?s why I went home with Dbar (the nick for the man I went home with from the eagle) He talked pretty to me, told me how nice it was to have me in his bed. And he was a new taste, a new triumph. A new notch on an already scarred bed. I didn?t call him until today, and even then I left a message (he told me he works these days) just saying hi and that I would see him IF I go to the eagle this Wednesday. No cumming from now till I run into my Sirs. FUCK IT. Okay I have been trying to not think about this. I nearly ended it with my Sirs. After screwing up and making Daddybear stay up all night I just felt like hell. So?I said what I was feeling. That I wasn?t sure I was cut out for a being their boy. That I wasn?t sure I was ready. That I wanted to have more control over my life. It?s funny how you can miss something when it?s gone. I miss staying up all night, but I?m don?t have my cough. I miss late night parties, but I?m not struggling in class. I miss not having to call people when I don?t want to talk, but feel better. Sigh?I wish I hadn?t said it 3 times. I wish I was easier to deal with. I realize that the incident smacks of when I didn?t call Vj when I was out in Cali. Thoughtless?I?m thoughtless. I just feel so confused. My desires aren?t connecting. I want to be their boy?right? I want to be controlled, to feel special, to be held to high standards. I want to work for it. I want you to like me. I want to be liked But how come I want all that, and then when they do I worry? I want to care about them, and I want them to care about me. And then they do, and I want it to end?huh? I want to be their boy, and then the possibility arises and I try to squash it whenever it gets hard I want to be held to higher standards and then I get hurt when they are disappointed. I want to be a good boy, but then I don?t read the fine print. Life is all about the whispers. How do I get back to that first weekend? When I showed up, studied, tried hard, showered in the dark, and felt like everything was right? Those feelings always fade so fast. Nothing good like that lasts. Doubt lasts?why is doubt forever? All that glitters ain?t gold, but all that glitters fades. BUT I WANT THIS. Just not the parts that suck. You know what I am grappling with most? Mike killed himself, just up and left us. Up and left me. No one predicted that, and no one could stop that. So how do we know who?s going to leave our lives next? On Friday I was teching (ambulance), and we had this pediatric patient. The cutest little girl you have ever scene. She was in the ER due to an infection on her thigh so she was crying because in order for us to transfer her we had to strap her to the stretcher and that would cause discomfort. I made a balloon animal from one the latex gloves we have in the truck. She smiled and forgot about the pain. The mother thanked me ?I don?t think I could put up with that anymore, she can be so difficult? The girl was new to me?she sparkled. But there are benefits to not seeing the sparkle. There is something sexy about sadness, something hot about fear, something erotic about worry. Not the emotions?but getting to see them, getting to feel them. I start therapy come Wednesday, once every 2 weeks. Just to talk. To deal. When did my life start to need a moderator? I just hate this all so much sometimes. I want to be happy, to feel happy, to not talk to the people who don?t approve, to not acknowledge them. To ignore the look that guy I got coffee from gave me when I had my collar on. To forget what the world thinks about my sex. To forget what I feel about my sex sometimes. Sir keeps saying I am conflicted. And that?s the key word. C-O-N-F-L-I-C-T-E-D But it?s wrong. I?m not conflicted. I want to be their boy. I may not be ready. I would prefer to be vanilla and straight. I would love to get up, go to college, get a degree, go to synagogue, have a million babies, and complain about taxes. I?m not. I won?t be. Not that I couldn?t go to synagogue, or that I couldn?t have a million babies (I could steal them), or complain about taxes. But I couldn?t do it with the careless nature that straight people can. No, I get to think, in synagogue there is talk about monogamy, and wives, and straight life, and vanilla. With babies, there would be adoption papers, and talk with foreign countries, or scientists if it was invetro. And my taxes would be the same unless I wanted to be married, but even then i would somehow be committing an act of destruction on America or the catholic church, or someone. It?s fucked up?5-6 years ago I had a G*d to go to. I had no taxes to complain of, and I was an average Joe. And then all those safe places fell? And I haven?t built new ones yet. I didn?t have the time. I?m building them. I have friends who love me, and place to be if I am worried. But?I don?t have them built yet. There are cracks in the roof, and window panes missing. Welcome to the second growing pain. But back to the point. Yes, I would love to be straight and vanilla. But only at times when it seems like that would be easier. I?m having fun. I know I won?t be straight one day, I know I will always be kinky. And I think that?s fine, I think I will be happy this way, it just takes time. It?s never a question of if this will be okay, but when. Meanwhile I have lunch with a guy on Wednesday. Just lunch. No sex. We will talk, divulge things. He will lose his sparkle, and maybe I?ll see gold, like with my Sirs. I think I?m ready for a boyfriend?after Montr?al/my birthday/ and about 7 more random hookups, but yeah, I could use a fling with a boyfriend. So long as I don?t have to call him back
Monday, March 01, 2004
Suit
I have never worn one of my father?s suits. I always had something bought at Neiman Marcus or Bloomingdales and then tailored for me by the local guy Taylor. Or I would get one of my brother?s suits and have that tailored for me. So on thursday I went to my interview, dressed in my suit, and I hit up the big city for my interview. Up to 53 and 5th. I am out of the subway, my Bostonian Classics hitting the pavement as I step. You know what? I am fucking hot in a suit. I nail the interview, she wants to hire me, but my schedule is tight and I am not sure I want to be a gopher? Anyway, I want to wear a suit, I want to a man in a suit. I want to leave my apartment in the morning, get up experience the joy of going through my closet and picking out a suit.
GREAT
I FEEL GREAT!!!!! click the link, and understand why i will now live off of nutrigran and then quiting my job.
