Dumb doobie doo dumb dumb
I want a cool part time job. I want a close to my life job It doesn?t have to be the reason I get up, but it should be part of it So I am applying my ass off, but I can feel this sharp learning curve. The e-mails must be concise but they must also inform the person of my talents. And cross software continuity is key. Meanwhile I have been putting off writing about a lot of things. I am a total ADHD case. Sparkly things attract and distract me, and it astounds me how true that is about all of my life. I live in NYC, and yet, I long to travel to Chicago, cause is sparkles when I am this far away. I was watching a bit of ?the fugitive? (which takes place there) and thought...?yeah I could live there.? You see, shiny and new appeal to me Those sparkly words you hear in a bar when a man wants to take you home? Those pretty sayings when a person wants you want them? Those snappy one liners that make me swoon. Those deep questions when you want someone to think. I love it. And that?s why I went home with Dbar (the nick for the man I went home with from the eagle) He talked pretty to me, told me how nice it was to have me in his bed. And he was a new taste, a new triumph. A new notch on an already scarred bed. I didn?t call him until today, and even then I left a message (he told me he works these days) just saying hi and that I would see him IF I go to the eagle this Wednesday. No cumming from now till I run into my Sirs. FUCK IT. Okay I have been trying to not think about this. I nearly ended it with my Sirs. After screwing up and making Daddybear stay up all night I just felt like hell. So?I said what I was feeling. That I wasn?t sure I was cut out for a being their boy. That I wasn?t sure I was ready. That I wanted to have more control over my life. It?s funny how you can miss something when it?s gone. I miss staying up all night, but I?m don?t have my cough. I miss late night parties, but I?m not struggling in class. I miss not having to call people when I don?t want to talk, but feel better. Sigh?I wish I hadn?t said it 3 times. I wish I was easier to deal with. I realize that the incident smacks of when I didn?t call Vj when I was out in Cali. Thoughtless?I?m thoughtless. I just feel so confused. My desires aren?t connecting. I want to be their boy?right? I want to be controlled, to feel special, to be held to high standards. I want to work for it. I want you to like me. I want to be liked But how come I want all that, and then when they do I worry? I want to care about them, and I want them to care about me. And then they do, and I want it to end?huh? I want to be their boy, and then the possibility arises and I try to squash it whenever it gets hard I want to be held to higher standards and then I get hurt when they are disappointed. I want to be a good boy, but then I don?t read the fine print. Life is all about the whispers. How do I get back to that first weekend? When I showed up, studied, tried hard, showered in the dark, and felt like everything was right? Those feelings always fade so fast. Nothing good like that lasts. Doubt lasts?why is doubt forever? All that glitters ain?t gold, but all that glitters fades. BUT I WANT THIS. Just not the parts that suck. You know what I am grappling with most? Mike killed himself, just up and left us. Up and left me. No one predicted that, and no one could stop that. So how do we know who?s going to leave our lives next? On Friday I was teching (ambulance), and we had this pediatric patient. The cutest little girl you have ever scene. She was in the ER due to an infection on her thigh so she was crying because in order for us to transfer her we had to strap her to the stretcher and that would cause discomfort. I made a balloon animal from one the latex gloves we have in the truck. She smiled and forgot about the pain. The mother thanked me ?I don?t think I could put up with that anymore, she can be so difficult? The girl was new to me?she sparkled. But there are benefits to not seeing the sparkle. There is something sexy about sadness, something hot about fear, something erotic about worry. Not the emotions?but getting to see them, getting to feel them. I start therapy come Wednesday, once every 2 weeks. Just to talk. To deal. When did my life start to need a moderator? I just hate this all so much sometimes. I want to be happy, to feel happy, to not talk to the people who don?t approve, to not acknowledge them. To ignore the look that guy I got coffee from gave me when I had my collar on. To forget what the world thinks about my sex. To forget what I feel about my sex sometimes. Sir keeps saying I am conflicted. And that?s the key word. C-O-N-F-L-I-C-T-E-D But it?s wrong. I?m not conflicted. I want to be their boy. I may not be ready. I would prefer to be vanilla and straight. I would love to get up, go to college, get a degree, go to synagogue, have a million babies, and complain about taxes. I?m not. I won?t be. Not that I couldn?t go to synagogue, or that I couldn?t have a million babies (I could steal them), or complain about taxes. But I couldn?t do it with the careless nature that straight people can. No, I get to think, in synagogue there is talk about monogamy, and wives, and straight life, and vanilla. With babies, there would be adoption papers, and talk with foreign countries, or scientists if it was invetro. And my taxes would be the same unless I wanted to be married, but even then i would somehow be committing an act of destruction on America or the catholic church, or someone. It?s fucked up?5-6 years ago I had a G*d to go to. I had no taxes to complain of, and I was an average Joe. And then all those safe places fell? And I haven?t built new ones yet. I didn?t have the time. I?m building them. I have friends who love me, and place to be if I am worried. But?I don?t have them built yet. There are cracks in the roof, and window panes missing. Welcome to the second growing pain. But back to the point. Yes, I would love to be straight and vanilla. But only at times when it seems like that would be easier. I?m having fun. I know I won?t be straight one day, I know I will always be kinky. And I think that?s fine, I think I will be happy this way, it just takes time. It?s never a question of if this will be okay, but when. Meanwhile I have lunch with a guy on Wednesday. Just lunch. No sex. We will talk, divulge things. He will lose his sparkle, and maybe I?ll see gold, like with my Sirs. I think I?m ready for a boyfriend?after Montr?al/my birthday/ and about 7 more random hookups, but yeah, I could use a fling with a boyfriend. So long as I don?t have to call him back
- posted by G @ 1:25 AM