Divided Penguin
I dreamed last night. Well, not dreamed (I tend not to remember dreams). I dreamed of last year, when I first joined Leather Navigator, just before flying out to Chicago to check out DePaul for the first time. When I first joined the site, my name was “DividedPenguin.” I was not a leather guy by any means (and still, not in some ways). I had little clue how to dress (I knew jeans and boots), and no clue how to act. But I had my images online and that bought me some time with people who could at least hint at what was okay. I made (and continue to make) use of the tools I have. I lucked out a lot. But the dream last night wasn’t about all of that. It was just of a moment, this thing that never happened. Sitting at a table with men I didn’t know. I felt like all my decisions, all my screw ups, all dumb things that had happened, and all the brilliant moments that had occurred, had been right. That it was all fine and good. I still have that feeling. I’m wrong about the conflicted thing. I’m conflicted. But it’s not that I have two feelings or feel two ways. It’s more that I’ve never had to make choices about this stuff…I was largely an outsider, and that was more my doing than anyone else. But that’s the point. I’m shifting my life, in minor but important ways, hanging around. So there are ups and downs…but right now? At this moment, I don’t regret any of it. It’s all be worth it, it’s all lead to something good. But that was the dream, a remembrance of that, a reminder that I have come a ways in a short time. But mostly it was there to remind me I am okay. And looking out my window at this moment. I’m pretty fucking happy. I’m excited for Boston this weekend. I am glad that I know them, and even happier that they are my Sirs. I move forward a lot more than I move back. The problem tends to be motion in general. When I slow down and look… I get it.
- posted by G @ 1:09 PM