Frustrated
I really do have great Sirs. I can’t describe it but sometimes I just get frustrated with my life. It’s not where I want it to be. And I’m not yet who I want to be. But the problem is, I can’t be who I want to be yet. I mean I have some of his qualities but… I want to be this smooth, suit-wearing, calm talking, practicality thinking, business man. I want to travel, go places, stay in nice resorts, discuss politics with foreigners and buy nice things. I can’t yet. I have been sending Resume’s out like mad, and not getting back many responses. So I am visiting with my schools job center next week to punch up resume and aim for an internship. That, and sucking up to anyone who looks important. But I am getting closer. Learning more, knowing what to do, and what not to say. It’s all part of it. Growth takes (ugh) time. It’s the same with leather. For that matter, any growth. But I am not the boy I want to be yet. But I have some qualities that I really like. Last night was kind of strange. Conc called me up and asked me to hang out, and I was already in the hot seat cause I had tried to get study time knocked off. Anyway, he called me, and just sounded down. I hadn’t seen him in about 1.5 weeks (college schedules). I was all set to blow him off, not cuase I don’t want to see him, but because I had some studying to do. When this thought…what if he was reaching for me? No, he wasn’t not that way, but I’m finding my self Uber-sensitive to it. The phrase “I feel sad” scares me. So I blew off studying instead and went to sit in my dorm with him. Watching the tail end of MAD MAD HOUSE which is such a funny show… Then we went for coffee. And as were walking, I’m feeling down. So he kicked me, not hard or anything, just a pay attention kick. So then I tried to the do the same. It was the first time in awhile I haven’t felt so grown up. Sigh, but I’ve decided my best boy trait isn’t so much the desire to please, as it is the desire to not disobey. I have both…but I just can’t enjoy things to the fullest if I’m ignoring something to do them. So I was down. But what’s freaking me out is that fear I have now. I don’t want to lose someone again. And it’s not like Conc is near suicide, or that his call was about that, or even close. But he sounded sad. And I got scared. Just weird. On the plus side! I’m getting excited for next year. Planning to get an apartment (I am thinking china town, Brooklyn, or Jersey near the path). The trick is this. I want a place where I can swing a flogger. Not because I intend to be swinging a flogger a lot but I want to be able to have someone do it. And I need a big apartment to do that. So it probably won’t be china town, same with an X on Brooklyn. Either way, I am chatting with this guy I met at MAL, and we are thinking about roommates. He is kinky so that would be cool! (who ever I live with, they have to at least be gay). But a kinky one means that my Sirs could visit!! Or that we could have a sling in our living room, that sort of thing. And that all adds up to more play. And better play! So I am getting excited for it…but I also want to be sure that roomies is good for both of us. Having a roommate one hates would suck no mater what they like. So March 26, we meet for coffee and check things out! EXCITED!!!!! Oh, and the 21 y/o from TNG and I met up tonight as I waited for the china town bus (BOSTON HOOOOO!!!!) He lives like 4 blocks away. We just sort of chatted. But it was nice to meet someone exploring it. Some things he would say I would think “I remember saying that” but I try not to say those things aloud as I worry about how it sounds. But back to why I have great Sirs… They call me, and I feel good. That’s it. And this morning they let me snuggle in their bed, I didn’t even have to ask. I’m not allowed, but I’m getting that I don’t need to. Mmm hot!
- posted by G @ 12:34 PM