Rebuilding year
My birthday is only a week and 3 days away. Its kind of getting me wierded out. No…that’s not it. It’s depressing me. Mia and Sue couldn’t make it up to Boston. Which was my big hoorah of introducing somebody to my Sirs, so that won’t be happening, which is upsetting. But what’s getting me down about my b-day isn’t that, it’s the knowledge of this tendency of mine. I put people in boxes in my head. Boxes are great for organizing things but not a good thing if you want to really get to know a person. It limits them, has you call them when they fit your puzzle. I’ve done that a lot this year. Placed people in sections, and I can see how I’ve hampered our relationship because of it. And these things tend to be more obvious when there are times for gatherings. I haven’t met anyone who has crossed those borders yet. I guess I keep trying to put this vice like gripe around my life. Plan it out, and every time I think I’ve got a handle on anything the handles fall off. Which I am told is how life works. It’s just (and this is true of the first year of college I think), I don’t know anyone all that well. And no one knows me all that well. Sigh…I miss high-school for that reason. Everyone’s life was easily read. You hung out in their homes, saw the history, you knew a persons history without a single question (gossip handled that). So, you could be friends with relative ease. But now it seems there is all this work to be done. You have to be asking questions, prying, spending time, and in turn you have to (ugh) share your own stories. I just feel so awkward with the whole “getting to know you” thing. I worry that I’m going to trip up, say the wrong thing. Friendships are as anxiety laden as hookups, but you don’t get the benefit of giving head at the end of it. But if you click, you get to know someone. Meanwhile Conc has asked me to plan his birthday party. Which is adding anxiety as he’s putting a lot of faith in me. And it’s hard cause I have to be sure to plan something he would want. And more over, I’m getting this nostalgic feeling for High school which is in it self hideous. But I am realizing more and more just how socially awkward I feel. It’s like I stopped maturing after 14 and just started faking it. Can we tell I saw my therapist? Speaking of which, my therapist wants to start exploring my “tendency towards obliviousness” so there’s that to look forward to. And tomorrow I meet with my father to discuss taxes so there is that to look forward to. But you know what I really can’t wait for? Flogging tomorrow, with FlogThrob (GMSMA Mega hottie). Oh yeah. Focus on breathing, present back, let go, enjoy the ride. And not to end my whole b-day on a sad note. It will be good, and I am gathering people and having them meet up. I am excited for it. It’s just going to be a bit strange this year is all. Oh well, it’s a rebuilding time.
- posted by G @ 6:40 PM