I may just be the luckiest mother fucker on this planet. This is a catch up blog btw, But there has to be something more to it, right? I mean, what makes me so special? I have these AMAZING people in my life and I can never quite seem to figure out why I get them. This weekend in Boston taught me that. I haven’t been thinking about killing myself. But I can understand why a person would do it. Sometimes thinking about living 50 years seems really hard. And there is SO much you can’t predict or understand. So, I guess it hits home in that way. So this weekend I went up to boston, saw my Sirs and met a couple of their friends (couple more). One of them in practicing for this leather title. They asked him questions, and helped him prepare for it (thing I got from it, be yourself, answer truthfully, if you don’t know you don’t know, put out). It was very cool to see something like that, to bear witness to it right in front of me. These men sitting around, helping one of their own, it’s very cool. And I want to have it. Anyway, as with all my weekends, there was a mild bit of drama. Not going to go into details, but one of my Sirs friends talked about having contemplated suicide. It was recent, he’s not going to do it, but he thought about it. It hit me hard, and I didn’t expect it to. Sigh…I feel so weak in that area. There are so many times when I don’t want to bring it up. And yet, you have to when people really want to know about recent events. I just feel so…fragile. And not across the map fragile, but still there is this lingering soreness there. And I figured out why. I have in-abilities. I can’t be there for all my friends. Emotionally, I am not accustomed to playing that role. And I know I don’t have to be yet. But Mike was an example of someone who didn’t have people like Sir and Daddybear in his life. No one was pressing him to talk about it, or talk about his emotions. So hearing this man discuss how fortunate he felt to know my Sirs, how happy he was to have them in his life…I felt kind of foolish. I fail to appreciate them I think. Not totally, but not as much as I should. Earlier that weekend I had argued about studying and how I wanted to lower the amount I had to. Not going to do that no more, I get good grades now. But it goes beyond that doesn’t it? Yes. Anyway, we went out to a bar, and for whatever reason I needed to take a walk alone. I did, but not before Daddybear walked me outside to discuss it with me. We chatted. And he told me he loves me, it wasn’t a weak in the knees moment or anything. It was just a warm blanket when I needed one. He means it, and I mean it when I say it to them. There are hot coals I would walk over. But that’s it isn’t it? So I went for this walk. Just around Boston, not to far, not too long. Just long enough to feel the chill and realize, I DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE RIGHT NOW. That’s it. All the hooking up is fun, all the chit chat with men I don’t know well is great. I am not going to stop that. \But I want people to know me. The real me. The ADHD, nuzzle you to be affectionate, emotionally inept (at times), over his head (and loving it), drama queen, change his mind on a dime, me. and i'm getting a little tired of running all over. And I don’t want to be the kid who walks away from things just cuase he feels strange. Walking around, I got that. I’m not going to find it out there. I don’t know what I thought, like maybe I would trip over the answer to all my problems. Nah, that doesn’t happen. I won’t find solutions in Chicago either. Anywhoo Things to blog about: Plans for the summer MEGA hottie from GMSMA/TNG who I had coffee with tonight Playing with GARCHOMP again, and the story of why stopped My meeting with my therapist today Why I may play with Specs again (and why I may be a moron) Aprentiship in a dungeon. My plan to rebuild NYC leather. The man I will be having dinner with tomorrow.
- posted by G @ 10:59 PM