SUV
My friends SUV flipped last night. I wasn't in the car, i was in the one behind it. Everyone is okay. Yet, i am still jared. It was sort of wierd, once i knew everyone was gonna be okay, there was something picturesque about it. The flashing lights of the police cars, creating funny shadows as all of us began to hug. I can remember alli saying "someone hold my hand, i want to hold someone's hand" I wish I could be that strong. Dinner with Sir and Daddybear tonight. The obsession continues.
- posted by G @ 2:36 PM (0) comments

 
missed it
I missed seeing specs, damn it. I don’t so much want to see him, as I want him to see me. I slept late, I like to think I wanted to miss seeing him, wanted him to call me and say “hey we still on?” wanted to be the one to say “no, we aren’t” I want him to be the one to want me. It’s not going to happen. Ever. So I am not going to do the scene with him. I am not going to try to see him at MAL, I am going to get release from my promise. And then I am going to give up, let it fall apart, let myself not catch it. Relationship Verte, that’s what I will practice. No, I won’t, I need closure. I need him to see me, to see the change, then move on. On to fun crap! Me and my mother talked about me, really talked. I spoke, then she spoke, we laughed a little, then we spoke more. It normaly goes: one of us speaks, other yells, door slam. The main points where basically: I worry about you, suicide, HIV, and My Father. My mother worries about me: she thinks I will get myself killed, or others “don’t underestimate you ADHD (my mother would keep me drugged at all times if she could” Suicide: Some kid tried killed himself, my mother discussed how she worries about her nephew BJ. HIV: “it’s up in gay men” It’s always up in gay men. I blame the media for making it seem noble to have, for doing the double standard of “it’s not a death sentence.” Then wondering why people don’t fear it. The tag line should be “it’s a death sentence, but a long drawn out one.” And I know some HIV victims, I know the precautions. But knowing the victims has made me understand it better. My Father: “You are a lot like him, I think that’s why you don’t get along” I agree, but I like to think that I am WAAAAAY cuter than him. GarChomp wrote me an e-mail saying he wants to hold me. Things a looking up. Last night I was out from 3 to 9 am, seeing an old friend, “the heiress” Heiress drove around as we talked about life. I felt human, it was nice. I don’t feel like I missed out on seeing Specs, I feel like I delayed an eventuality. Matter of time kiddo, matter of time. Sex Sunday and Monday (can’t wait for Monday, can’t wait for Sunday) And Control on SATURDAY! Woohoo!
- posted by G @ 5:10 PM (0) comments

 
Death and Turkey.
My grandmother is dying I have known for awhile, she is old (92). She recently went alzheimerific, so we moved her to a rest home. I can’t see her, I sort of want to, but it’s not like she’ll remember me, so why bother depressing myself? She used to live in VA, in this nice house near the beach, we would visit, I would kiss her on her wrinkled cheek and spend the rest of the trip avoiding her. She was always nice, but had this tendency to talk a lot about granddad. All I know about him is he used to smoke a pipe (I am thinking of asking for one, for leathersex purposes). His ashes are now in our house, waiting to buried next to my grandmother when she dies. It’s fucked up, my family traded stories about her over turkey. Everyone was pretending like she recognized them. Everyone that is, except dear old rob (my favorite for the things). “she don’t remember sh…anything.” I like rob in that he doesn’t believe in codling, he just spurts it out (sort of like me, but he has a filter for what he can and can’t say). I miss my childhood on nights like this, I can’t sleep here. I want to go back to school, knock on sue’s door, beg her to walk around with me. But I want a family like I see on television, or at alli’s house. it’s not that mine gets into any huge fights. There is no, angry outbursts, tearful screams. But, there’s also no laughter, no old stories about misbegotten adventures, old vacations. In comparison to recent events in my life, it’s very…cold, calculated. I traded cell numbers with my younger brother (the 12 y/o, yeah he has a cell phone), told him to call me if he needed me. He used to tell me he wanted whipped cream with his pumpkin pie (gotta love text messaging). I see myself in him, that wasn’t there before. We sat down from 6pm to 7pm (is that the normal amount of time?). Then we broke off into sections, I watched “friends” with my sister. Later, I went out and saw Lindsey, she had a rough night. Her parents (54y/o father/32 y/o stepmother) decided to take a vacation to some island, so she is staying with friends. She is English born, so the holiday is that important to her family, but her father’s still a dick.
- posted by G @ 2:16 AM (0) comments

 
My family
Me, and My family: Holy shit! My brother is 12. my Chicago trip had to be rescheduled because he is having his bar mitzvah on that date. Jan 8-11 I am in chi town. Fun, fun, fun, and crying if I fail to make it to this school (depaul). But back to main part: Whats the deal with me and my family? The stock answer is: I am not close with them. And that’s true, but there is more to it. My father likes working, he likes being a senior executive blah. My mother, likes being a home maker. Most of their relationship seems to be an effort of traditional values, and modern ideology. I never really became close with my father, we didn’t talk much during my youth. Same with my mother, she had my older brother and sister to deal with. I was rambunctious, but harmless. So she didn’t have to mind me much. Plus, the addition of my younger brother when I was 7 didn’t help. Later (when I was 5) I was diagnosed with ADHD, the pills kept me quiet (I loathe the rememberance that 13 of my 19 years I have been on stimulants). I never loved them, but until 14 I didn’t hate them either. There was just this feeling of ambivalence. Then I went through the normal teenage stuff. I remember flipping out on my mother for saying that she wouldn’t let me to a party if she knew there would be drinking. Screaming “who cares if it’s illegal? Why don’t you care if it’s fun?” Yeah, I was rambunctious. So, then I got sent off to boarding school (14 still), and up until that point I always thought that my family was normal. Dad came home at 9:00 pm, mom stayed home. At that point came to the conclusion that we weren’t, we don’t function like one. The stern family functions like a corporation. We all sort of function without the community feeling. My brother lived across the hall from me for 5 years, we spoke maybe 3 times a week. Since he moved to Florida (last year) I have lost his number and spoken with him maybe twice on aol IM (one of them is posted). My mother and I speak maybe once a month about college funding. I spoke with my father the for the first time in about 2 months tonight (since I am home). My Sister and I don’t talk at all unless she is throwing a party or needs me to chip in on a gift for the rents (I don’t know their birthdays, she compensates). And I forget I have a younger brother sometimes. I am not close to my family. But I call Alli ( a friend) at least 3 times a month, chat with her on aol IM, and plan to see her on college breaks, cause I miss her ( I also know her birthday). I know what it is about this holiday that upsets me. WE ARE NOT A FAMILY. Okay, a bit dramatic. We are, there is blood, and worrries, and I am the spitting image of my grandfather, and I act like my father a lot. But, I barely know any of them, and I don’t really want to. I always want to be elsewhere. The conversation is lacking on my turkey day. But post food? I get to see alli, and hobnob with Lindsey, and see Alley (yeah, I was friends with a lot of girls in highschool, shut up.). plus I get to convince LUKE SHERMAN (my straight highschool crush) to hangout. So, to answer yesterday’s question? What makes me go into turbo slut mode? Longing, plain and simple. I have to spend this week with stranger, and all I want is that feeling of a human connection. I get that feeling when I am on me knees. Or some trippy daddy complex, one of those two. -joey :
- posted by G @ 4:38 AM (0) comments

 
Look at this
I have a counter! now i can measure my popularity in number form! if it is low...i will destroy it, and live in bliss
- posted by G @ 4:03 AM (0) comments

 
Sex and holidays
I jerked off to Special K’s voice (phone sex). I am going to see him, we have tentative plans and I have plan to make it happen. Mean time, Garchomp is frustrating me, I want to see him, but this week is bad, so I have to wait (sucks). But there is hope! Friday I see specs (or sleep around), Saturday I see Sir and Daddybear (get to serve them I a bar, no sex). And Sunday I play with these two guys from Chicago, Master and Slave. I have good plans. What is it about holidays that make me go into slut mode? I mean I have this block of time, during which I get to see all these people I haven’t for about 3-4 months (which is a long time when you used to see them every day). But all I can think about is Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Friday. The rest seems like fluffer. I wish I could get excited over relationships the way some people do. I mean, I get excited over new prospects, but not over the relationship. My friend alli will call me up about a date that has no sex. “I met a guy, he bought me flowers” it’s not my thing. I get excited at the idea of having a boy lick my balls as I bind his arms. I get excited at the thought of tasting Garchomp post flogging, of him violating me. I get excited at the hope that I will touch DaddyBear and Sir. I can’t wait to fuck Chicago slave (or get beaten by his master). I am not saying that getting to know them (as people) doesn’t appeal to me (it does). But it doesn’t excite me, it’s a welcome addition. When does building trust become sexy? But I digress… I am on a train going home, it’s late. I will get in late, sleep and wake up at home. I wanna see my friends. But something about this season makes me desire bruises and cock. Tommorow: my family..blah blah I am sleepy. Blog done for now
- posted by G @ 2:19 AM (0) comments

 
My scar, INFERNO
I am gonna get my scar removed. Looking at it in the mirror tonight i decided. Not today, or tommorow, but after MAL, and before I graduate college. Inferno is wierding me, i hear it is 21 to get in, which means i couldn't go. But there are conflicting reports, and as i understand it knowing the right people is all it takes. So i know some right people, now all i need are answers.
- posted by G @ 2:05 AM (0) comments

 
me, in love with the world
I played with this guy. He tells me “we can play, but you can’t fall in love” I retort “I can fall in love, we just can’t date” I then walk home 30 blocks because I want to think about life. I have this hole, and unlike the other holes I can’t use it for pleasure (anyone’s). I am finally accepting I have it. It’s like when I was a child, and we had those boxes. One hole was for the triangle shape to go through, one for the circle, one for the square. I would always try to cram the circle through the square (I eventually broke it in two and forced it through). So what is it that I am trying to cram in there? Sex, I like sex, but I am starting to need more. But, am I? I get nervous at the thought of having a boyfriend; I get nervous at the thought of being owned. So, I don’t know. I was complaining to Dad E. about my life. He leaned over and told me “your biggest problem is that your 19.” I guess it’s true. I want more…meaning! That’s it! I want meaning in my life. I want those kisses to be about fun, and pleasure. But, I want the hugs to be about understanding. Or something, what’s wrong with wanting someone to get you? What wrong with wanting to understand someone? Nothing, right? So why do I feel like it is? So back to the opener? What makes us equate love with dating? Shouldn’t we want our bottoms to love us? Shouldn’t we want to love our tops? Can’t we do that without dating? So….fuck it all. I plan to start loving more, dating less, all the while I plan to start slowly becoming better as a top, and bottoming with darker scenes. I need more bruises in my life. (un) Related topic: Everyone who knows me well has started saying this about me: “you like to take breaks from people.” Sometimes fall off the face the earth I guess. Oh well. Konstantine, by something corporate, is amazing. If you know it, play it.
- posted by G @ 2:37 AM (0) comments

 
me. in a nutshell
Dad E. I may be the most selfish person when it comes to certain relationships. Mostly due to lack of ability on my part to deal with big things. I can hug and so forth, but I always feel so weird when other people are sad. I tend not get it, which leads to bad advice. I just get all flustered when I get the out-pouring, and I feel so flustered. I sort of like it though, the feeling of hearing someone else’s thoughts way. That’s how I am with Dad E. I go over, and I bleed out all my thoughts. Then he patches me, or informs when I am being an idiot. But…I get a bonus, sometimes, he’ll tell me things, that no one else knows (or at least, very few). He sorta makes me feel special that way. It’s why I love him. So, I need to give him his b-day present, and start seeing him more often (I kinda stopped for a couple months). He is not for bondage-pain giving (though he does), he is for post or pre play. He centers me. I guess that’s me in a nut (yeah, nut) shell. As important as a person may be to me, sometimes I just need to not see you for a couple months. Is that weird? yeah, that’s weird. but, that’s also who I am. I will see more of GarMan (nj Guy), and more of Dad E. and more of everyone soon. I am really getting to place where I can be close with people. Or at least a place where I am feeling comfortable enough to try. -joey out.
- posted by G @ 1:14 AM (0) comments

 
OH MY GOD.
On Monday I will take a boat trip back to NJ. Today was….amazing. We clicked, like really clicked, kissing, groping, talking. He had me gagged, placed in manacles (oh to be in those for hours, begging). Flogged me, a little hard, but with a build up I am sure I could take more. I have a desire to see him a lot. He wants to see me a lot. It scares me. But I am gonna do this, I am not gonna run, I am going to see him a lot. So, Monday, more play for the joester, with a hot hot man, who has a dungeon.
- posted by G @ 11:59 PM (0) comments

 
New jersey
I am jonesing for this guy in NJ. We have clicked online hardcore, and we know some of the same people. He checked up on me with a friend of his (positive review), which freaks me out, but I guess people have heard of me. I want to meet him! Tomorrow I do! I can wait to have his flogger grazing me. He likes to see people struggle, I wan to struggle.
- posted by G @ 3:40 PM (0) comments

 
I get drunk
Susan: Sue is my best friend at school, she is fucked up. I like her that way. In English our topics range from s/m, to rape, to Asians, to my on selfish thoughts. She’s blunt, if you ask a question she’ll answer it. She cuts herself on the palms on her hands so that no one knows. She thinks about suicide. She loves m&m with peanuts. She likes a bartender who is bad for her (all bartenders are bad for people). She didn’t use a condom. She’s smarter than me. She hates missing class. She’s strong around other people, I get to see her weak (at her beautiful). She misses home. She eats ice cream when there is no pasta. She smokes. She loves the cock and pussy too. In not nearly enough words. That is sue, the best college friend I have. We went out drinking at her boy toy’s bar, I talked about my hookup (great legs/cock, I see him again in December). Then we talked about relationships (I think I am ready for one, she thinks she might be getting into one). It’s weird, but it all felt perspectable (a new word). Like my life made sense. “we are the generation of therapy kids” Sigh, it all feels fucked up. But I guess I am getting there, I will get there. But getting drunk, eating pizza, and talking just felt right tonight. I am going to meet 2 more guys this week, then I am going to whittle down my list of men. I need to start exploring the people I know better. Actually get to know them. I’ve never tried before, but it is getting time for me to start.
- posted by G @ 2:41 AM (0) comments

 
argh
I want a counter on my blog. so i can see my popularity in number form
- posted by G @ 1:50 AM (0) comments

 
one more thing
less than 4 weeks TILL BOSTON!!!!! when i will play with two men who will use and abuse me in the best ways possible.
- posted by G @ 4:53 AM (0) comments

 
Return to sanity: post orgy
I just had an orgy, rather…participated in one. Why? It helps me focus to be distracted for a bit. A no limit scene with my former crush, specs… I think I want to do it. But doing it, requires giving up a control that I cling to. When I play, I rarely list my limits or my dislikes, mostly I ask for a scene I want to do. It’s very much a pushy bottom thing, but more so a control thing, I may be tied up, but I asked for it. Specs will not talk about it until MAL, when I ask or not. I give up getting exactly what I want when I want it. Well I never get exactly what I want when I want it. But, I usually get some form of it in a relatively speedy manner. So, with this scene, I would show up Friday, leave Monday am, no outs. So, why then does he make the offer? And why then do I want to it? It goes against almost every book on safe sane consensual s/m. It scares me, makes me nervous. And I want to do it. Essentially, my sexual equation is: scary + dangerous + possible trauma + hot guy= I am in. But what has been weirding me is that specs offered this…he is normally the guy who says no if I asked him about this stuff. May he is seeing that I am advancing? Sigh, I HATE more than anything on the planet, not knowing. I mean, this could just be a mind fuck…I get to MAL, accept the offer, and then here “nah”. I know a couple people who have done these scenes, and specs is pretty respected. So I know I would not die, or do anything horrible. So, why not? Well, after this…where does one go? What would my talks with specs be like? It’s not the scene itself that worries me, it is the pre and post scene time. Specs is hands on, and for a big thing like this, that means giving up a chunk of time pre scene to chat, and e-mail, and probably not cum (he likes that, I think I do too). And post scene I might be all jittery, and such. Sue thinks I should do it. Sue is amazing, and normally right about my life. I think I am going to do it. But I need to check up on all this first. It could be a lot more fun to reject the offer (I like having power). So, where does that put me…I am over it, I meet two guys on Wednesday. One is a New guy online that I am hoping will work out. The other is a hottie who I want to beat me. And I whole mess of school. Reading this over… that’s probably a really bad way to pick sex activities. However, a very fun way of experiencing them.
- posted by G @ 4:53 AM (0) comments

 
return to insanity, no limit scene.
MOTHER FUCKER. I need this to bleed from me, I need to not have emotions for him. But I do, I like him, and more to the point, I want him to like me. I think he does, doesn’t he? He’s got to… I remember his kissing feeling like he does… and he did give me the gift of a 2 great weekends. If he was a tumor I would cut him from me. I feel 10 again… like I can’t explain why I like a boy so much, so I just hit him. I want so much to be in control of myself, to not have that falling feeling that he gives me. This weird notion of wanting him to just make me bleed. Is that crazy? Am I going crazy? No, not crazy, just feeling like that would make it easier. He is using me, I know he is...we don’t talk unless he wants me. And he it’s not that he needs to just want me, he has to have a way to want me. A limit to expand, a new low for me to reach, a challenge for him. He is my heroin, that thing I do when I want to feel worse about being worse. He’s a funnel, I pour myself in and come out more compact. God, I don’t want that…no, I don’t want to want that. But I want that. He is sex, the planner of my sec healing. He wants me to be feel better, to be better. I want him to suffer tragically for my amusement. He seems to be getting his way more than me. He isn’t the best looking one I have had, I don’t even like him as much as some of the others. So why can’t I purge myself of him? Why can’t I just close my eyes, click my heals, and make that wish to be apathetic. I summoned this, I asked for it, I could have just let it be, neglected it, let is starve to death. But I wanted to kill it, slay that feeling, conquer it. And now…the dragon has me again. It lumbers, and drags me, I am liking being dragged. I need…relationship chemo. What brought this on? ( I plan to drag this out) I lust, I lust a lot. I want to be at Special K’s feet (cock too) at some point. I plan to spend a weekend serving to really hot men in Boston. I am in talks with a man online to be his little brother (who has sex with him). I sleep around, but not over (often) my preference, I like to spend my sex-time naked. By which, I mean I don’t need a huge connection, or to know that you’ll be there in a week (which is changing, begrudgingly). But S/m lends itself to repeats, and I am okay with that. I am beginning to kind of like it. But then there is specs, we have not played in since March (see all blogs with the term “crush” you’ll see why). I like him, and ugh...I care about him. But there has always been something about our friendship that irked me. I don’t know why, but I guess it’s that he is protective of me. I made a promise not to play with chloroform with anyone unless he approved. That’s his personality, he likes to protect, and I can’t control that. I hate not being in control of my relationships. I know: what kind of bottom are you? A bad one when it comes to certain emotional angles of it. So that is specs attractiveness and hideousness at the same time. He makes the decisions, he picks when we do stuff, and I sort of like that. So, naturally, I have been trying to cut him from life (I get weird when I get close to people, working on it). But, if I stop chatting with him for awhile, he calls (bastard, I still like seeing his name come up on my phone). And I have a promise to keep to him (I don’t break promises). So in order to sort of… get over him I guess, I decided to attempt to get out of it. Mostly I just pestered him, gave him examples, attempted to guilt him. So we were chatting every other day or so, about random crap, and my being released from my promise, for about 3 weeks. Then 2 days ago (on that day where I didn’t sleep), I ask a question I had been pondering for a bit. “Are you ever going to invite me over again?” I may lust a lot, but I like to feel wanted. So he says yes, someday…and we keep chatting. Then he makes this offer that floors me “if you want, I will do a no limit scene with you.” I made a joke about wanting to start sleeping with psychos. At first I thought he was joking. He isn’t, if I want it, I have to ask at MAL. Welcome to obsessionville. Alright, time to go to a party with chilli (the food), and going with the 18 y/o (trying to draw him out of his shell, post freakout during play). more later.
- posted by G @ 12:28 AM (0) comments

 
My night= a lifetime
I just finished my essay (need to proofread) I think i lost my mind (or it ran through the door). I can stay up late, but mentaly taxing work hurts me at 4 am. Sigh, I love my essay though, i want to have it's babies. cute little essay babies....okay, maybe i should nap... i am gonna post the essay, it's on S/M and rape. so when i get it all graded and shit, i will post it.
- posted by G @ 8:08 AM (0) comments

 
Why i am a slut.
it's 3:36 am, i should be doing an essay, but i got distracted while writting in a friends room (love my laptop). I start hitting on this "straight" kid who is joining me and Sarah in talking about s/m. I show him naked me pics, (he's cute, what do you want?) He's a little too interested, sarah and i doing papers on what makes S/m differ from abuse and rape (i am on page 3). While it is not technically due tommorow, i wanna get a rough draft in so i can edit it ( i suck at english). anyway, i wind up fooling around with the kid, ("i'm bi, maybe more gay, not sure." me: "i think your just a cock sucker"). So, what next? we have this conversation... Japyquack (3:27:37 AM): :-P jerseyg03 (3:27:43 AM): :-D Japyquack (3:27:56 AM): youOOOO WANNNT ME :-P jerseyg03 (3:28:05 AM): hehe Japyquack (3:28:17 AM): you still hhaven't said "yes i do" jerseyg03 (3:28:27 AM): its more fun that way Japyquack (3:28:49 AM): so, i'll have to beat it from you? jerseyg03 (3:28:56 AM): maybe Japyquack (3:29:05 AM): thats a yes jerseyguy03 (3:29:12 AM): lol Japyquack (3:29:48 AM): or at least a "you are welcome to try" jerseyg03 (3:29:59 AM): your welcome to try jerseyg03 (3:30:01 AM): hehe Japyquack (3:30:07 AM): when's your roomate got class tommorow? jerseyg03 (3:30:25 AM): *turns around and checks* Japyquack (3:30:30 AM): lol jerseyg03 (3:31:14 AM): 11:15-3:25 jerseyg03 (3:31:29 AM): and again 7:30-9:30 Japyquack (3:31:34 AM): 7:30 works jerseyg03 (3:31:46 AM): ill be here lol Japyquack (3:31:50 AM): okay, so if this is gonna continue... Japyquack (3:31:54 AM): you need to ask for Japyquack (3:31:58 AM): it jerseyg03 (3:32:05 AM): ok then Japyquack (3:32:17 AM): i mean now. jerseyg03 (3:32:20 AM): will u join me at 7:30 tommorow night Japyquack (3:32:29 AM): and bring my toys? jerseyg03 (3:32:39 AM): yes please jerseyg03 (3:32:43 AM): :-) Japyquack (3:32:46 AM): wanna call me Sir? :-) jerseyg03 (3:32:53 AM): yes sir Japyquack (3:32:57 AM): my my Japyquack (3:33:05 AM): your corruptable jerseyg03 (3:33:14 AM): very Japyquack (3:33:16 AM): i'll bring my cuffs and the bag of clothes pins Japyquack (3:33:36 AM): maybe some rope Japyquack (3:33:45 AM): So, put it together kid jerseyg3 (3:33:57 AM): sounds like fun Japyquack (3:33:57 AM): ask me to come over and bring my toys, and use you :-) jerseyg03 (3:34:18 AM): Will you please come over, bring some toys, and use me sir? Japyquack (3:34:19 AM): (this all comes from doing this stupid fucking essay on consensual s/m) Japyquack (3:34:29 AM): Yes boy, see you at 7:30 Japyquack (3:34:41 AM): call me if something arises jerseyg03 (3:34:46 AM): will do okay, back to essay.
- posted by G @ 3:43 AM (0) comments

 
lots oh random
Hangover conversation: When you chat with a person and the talk seems to linger in your head. So much so that you find it hard to concentrate on other things cause you keep rehashing it in you mind. Hangover person: A man, woman, girl, boy, whatever: who leaves you with the impression that you had too much of them, but that you like having too much of them. (see also: Addicterson) I have only met two people who are hangover people, Doron, this 26 y/o in the city I played with when I was 17-18. And this guy whose name I can’t remember cause I only called him Sir (it might have been sed or something). But that’s not what this post is about. Twinks! I hung out with twinks, I am friends with them, they say hi to me before they do Ecstasy and dance. 2 nights ago I was in their room, hanging out, talking about life. Listening to complaints, and feeling very daddy like. “no, you don’t need to be monogamous” “threeways are easy”. Okay not that daddy like, but sure as hell fun. And then, I felt old. It was weird though, I like feeling old, like I have done SOMETHING, as opposed to my normal level of jumbled nerves and random impulses. So we talked, listened to music, and dished dirt. Which was fun, just not what I want. Hanging out with gay people my age always leaves me feeling like I made a wrong turn somewhere. Like, I should have liked dancing more (I like dancing, but I like talking to people more). But it was different this time, just friends talking, I liked it. Then I had a talk with Special K about ownership, and what it means to be owned and all that stuff. I tend to look at it like a business relationship, because I am a tad more cold and calculating than I should be. But I think I get it, not going to explain it, but I think I get it. Oh, and I had a boy not cum for 12 days, man I am a sadist. But I forgot that it would only take like three strokes to make him cum… so we didn’t get to play as much as I wanted. I did have fun though. Note to self, 7 day max from now on I think 
- posted by G @ 8:10 PM (0) comments

 
AHHHH, i want it now!
I am moving, I am going to go to Chicago, tomorrow! No, it’s not true. But damn, it feels so fucking good to say. I can’t be here anymore it feels, I need new. I like the school on paper, and I am sure I could etch out a life there. Enough of my leather-friends go to IML every year for me to see them. And I would go home during the summers. So I would still interact with my home friends (at least until I got a place, like senior year) But, I could also go to Chicago (January 21-23), wind up hating the place and go home sniveling. Snag a cheap place in Brooklyn, and go to Baruch college. But I don’t want that, I want to like Chicago, not love, but like. I want to feel cozy there, then I want to come home, and plan my escape from NYC. I don’t know, I have had this feeling once before, where there was no reason to go, but no reason to stay. I was 16, and in private school. The town was Ashburnham MA, So boring you could cry, the education was good, I would go to Harvard or Princeton, guaranteed. But I had to be closeted, not be myself, and I didn’t want to be a spoiled rich kid anymore. So I fled, and went to public school (best decision I made). It was the first time I really felt like me, I mean, I gave up on the closeness of my old high school, but in the new one I got to just do what I wanted. I got to wear t-shirts (instead of polo) and jeans (only kahkis at the old one). But, I felt like ME, which was so worth it, and always will be. So, then I am here in nyc, going to school after year off. Feeling sort of together, but a little off. So I chat with Sir DJR, and wind up spilling my guts (something I avoid), and then I realize something, the person who is the most critical of my emotions, is me (with Sir’s help). And I am so nervous to meet Sir and Daddybear because I think I have potential to care about them, and that always make me nervous. So, I will tell all about the boy I tied up and beat after 12 days of him not Cumming, and how online I am hoping to meet some new tops, but not tonight. I am sleepy and need to re-evaluate.
- posted by G @ 1:44 AM (0) comments

 
School!
Okay, So I am better, back in NYC, and feeling good (still sick), but no longer feeling like I am. The best part about not feeling sick, is masturbating. That joyous moment of release from illness where you feel like you can touch yourself again. But back to school, work, and social life. Okay, I am freaking out about math, as I was sick I missed a week of classes, and I have a test next Monday, I cannot afford to do poorly in this class, so I need to start some serious craming. Next is Economics, long a thorn in my side I need to make the teach like me more and start showing up on time. The rest of my courses I am all set for. Chicago! I am there in January, providing I can get a cheap ticket from Price line (sub 140) and a hotel about the same. I am breaking in my new credit card with this purchase ( I plan to cut the old one up soon), which means cash back! Sigh, I really, really, really hope I like it there. NYC is pretty fucking cool, but I feel this need to spread my wings and travel elsewhere. I need new, which is my ultimate problem, I always want new. So I am going to spank this boy, he hasn’t cum since Halloween ( he was gonna cum on Thursday, but I got sick, so he has to wait till Wednesday). I have a few potential tops in the area, but I am REALLY wanted to go to Daddybear and Sir in Boston. Never met them, but December 12 I am going to be playing makeup. Sigh, I can’t figure out what I want, I am still trying to maintain my life here while fantasizing about life elsewhere. But such is life I think, at some point though I am going to have to choose. Oh! Specs and I are chatting fairly regularly. Which is good, but weird, I want to beat him, I want him to beat me, I can’t place his desires (beyond making lewd suggestions). I need to learn patience (and linear thought processes). I am playing with ownership (that’s not a nickname). In my head I have been fiddling with the idea. I still don’t see myself being owned, but, at the same time… I have been referring to myself as “your hamster” during chats with special K (he may be annoyed by this). The idea being a hamster doesn’t do much other than eat, and get petted. So I have no real responsibility. It sort of fits with my current MO of not wanting, but wanting it. Ahh well, these things work out.
- posted by G @ 2:45 PM (0) comments

 
sick
Sick Sick Sick Cough, gag, splat I had to cancel my trip to Boston, which sucks. So I am trying to reschedule it for December. At the Halloween party I met a couple guys (pre sick), so I have a boy I am fooling around with. And a couple I want to be doing that with. Anyway… I got so sick that I had to come “home” my cat is here, so it counts. Home is where your pussy lives, I think. So I get home, they had setup my bed, and made soup. So I am recuperating. It’s weird though, I can tell they have moved some stuff in my room. Like the picture I took of bears making out (I was 17, it was my main jerk-off tool until we got dsl at home). It was a nice home coming, followed by sleep! Glorious sleep in my own bed! Oh, so what else is new? Chicago in January, or Spring. I can’t wait to get better, I hate feeling sick, I hate needing people when I am sick. -joey
- posted by G @ 11:56 PM (0) comments