return to insanity, no limit scene.
MOTHER FUCKER. I need this to bleed from me, I need to not have emotions for him. But I do, I like him, and more to the point, I want him to like me. I think he does, doesn’t he? He’s got to… I remember his kissing feeling like he does… and he did give me the gift of a 2 great weekends. If he was a tumor I would cut him from me. I feel 10 again… like I can’t explain why I like a boy so much, so I just hit him. I want so much to be in control of myself, to not have that falling feeling that he gives me. This weird notion of wanting him to just make me bleed. Is that crazy? Am I going crazy? No, not crazy, just feeling like that would make it easier. He is using me, I know he is...we don’t talk unless he wants me. And he it’s not that he needs to just want me, he has to have a way to want me. A limit to expand, a new low for me to reach, a challenge for him. He is my heroin, that thing I do when I want to feel worse about being worse. He’s a funnel, I pour myself in and come out more compact. God, I don’t want that…no, I don’t want to want that. But I want that. He is sex, the planner of my sec healing. He wants me to be feel better, to be better. I want him to suffer tragically for my amusement. He seems to be getting his way more than me. He isn’t the best looking one I have had, I don’t even like him as much as some of the others. So why can’t I purge myself of him? Why can’t I just close my eyes, click my heals, and make that wish to be apathetic. I summoned this, I asked for it, I could have just let it be, neglected it, let is starve to death. But I wanted to kill it, slay that feeling, conquer it. And now…the dragon has me again. It lumbers, and drags me, I am liking being dragged. I need…relationship chemo. What brought this on? ( I plan to drag this out) I lust, I lust a lot. I want to be at Special K’s feet (cock too) at some point. I plan to spend a weekend serving to really hot men in Boston. I am in talks with a man online to be his little brother (who has sex with him). I sleep around, but not over (often) my preference, I like to spend my sex-time naked. By which, I mean I don’t need a huge connection, or to know that you’ll be there in a week (which is changing, begrudgingly). But S/m lends itself to repeats, and I am okay with that. I am beginning to kind of like it. But then there is specs, we have not played in since March (see all blogs with the term “crush” you’ll see why). I like him, and ugh...I care about him. But there has always been something about our friendship that irked me. I don’t know why, but I guess it’s that he is protective of me. I made a promise not to play with chloroform with anyone unless he approved. That’s his personality, he likes to protect, and I can’t control that. I hate not being in control of my relationships. I know: what kind of bottom are you? A bad one when it comes to certain emotional angles of it. So that is specs attractiveness and hideousness at the same time. He makes the decisions, he picks when we do stuff, and I sort of like that. So, naturally, I have been trying to cut him from life (I get weird when I get close to people, working on it). But, if I stop chatting with him for awhile, he calls (bastard, I still like seeing his name come up on my phone). And I have a promise to keep to him (I don’t break promises). So in order to sort of… get over him I guess, I decided to attempt to get out of it. Mostly I just pestered him, gave him examples, attempted to guilt him. So we were chatting every other day or so, about random crap, and my being released from my promise, for about 3 weeks. Then 2 days ago (on that day where I didn’t sleep), I ask a question I had been pondering for a bit. “Are you ever going to invite me over again?” I may lust a lot, but I like to feel wanted. So he says yes, someday…and we keep chatting. Then he makes this offer that floors me “if you want, I will do a no limit scene with you.” I made a joke about wanting to start sleeping with psychos. At first I thought he was joking. He isn’t, if I want it, I have to ask at MAL. Welcome to obsessionville. Alright, time to go to a party with chilli (the food), and going with the 18 y/o (trying to draw him out of his shell, post freakout during play). more later.
- posted by G @ 12:28 AM