me, in love with the world
I played with this guy. He tells me “we can play, but you can’t fall in love” I retort “I can fall in love, we just can’t date” I then walk home 30 blocks because I want to think about life. I have this hole, and unlike the other holes I can’t use it for pleasure (anyone’s). I am finally accepting I have it. It’s like when I was a child, and we had those boxes. One hole was for the triangle shape to go through, one for the circle, one for the square. I would always try to cram the circle through the square (I eventually broke it in two and forced it through). So what is it that I am trying to cram in there? Sex, I like sex, but I am starting to need more. But, am I? I get nervous at the thought of having a boyfriend; I get nervous at the thought of being owned. So, I don’t know. I was complaining to Dad E. about my life. He leaned over and told me “your biggest problem is that your 19.” I guess it’s true. I want more…meaning! That’s it! I want meaning in my life. I want those kisses to be about fun, and pleasure. But, I want the hugs to be about understanding. Or something, what’s wrong with wanting someone to get you? What wrong with wanting to understand someone? Nothing, right? So why do I feel like it is? So back to the opener? What makes us equate love with dating? Shouldn’t we want our bottoms to love us? Shouldn’t we want to love our tops? Can’t we do that without dating? So….fuck it all. I plan to start loving more, dating less, all the while I plan to start slowly becoming better as a top, and bottoming with darker scenes. I need more bruises in my life. (un) Related topic: Everyone who knows me well has started saying this about me: “you like to take breaks from people.” Sometimes fall off the face the earth I guess. Oh well. Konstantine, by something corporate, is amazing. If you know it, play it.
- posted by G @ 2:37 AM