Return to sanity: post orgy
I just had an orgy, rather…participated in one. Why? It helps me focus to be distracted for a bit. A no limit scene with my former crush, specs… I think I want to do it. But doing it, requires giving up a control that I cling to. When I play, I rarely list my limits or my dislikes, mostly I ask for a scene I want to do. It’s very much a pushy bottom thing, but more so a control thing, I may be tied up, but I asked for it. Specs will not talk about it until MAL, when I ask or not. I give up getting exactly what I want when I want it. Well I never get exactly what I want when I want it. But, I usually get some form of it in a relatively speedy manner. So, with this scene, I would show up Friday, leave Monday am, no outs. So, why then does he make the offer? And why then do I want to it? It goes against almost every book on safe sane consensual s/m. It scares me, makes me nervous. And I want to do it. Essentially, my sexual equation is: scary + dangerous + possible trauma + hot guy= I am in. But what has been weirding me is that specs offered this…he is normally the guy who says no if I asked him about this stuff. May he is seeing that I am advancing? Sigh, I HATE more than anything on the planet, not knowing. I mean, this could just be a mind fuck…I get to MAL, accept the offer, and then here “nah”. I know a couple people who have done these scenes, and specs is pretty respected. So I know I would not die, or do anything horrible. So, why not? Well, after this…where does one go? What would my talks with specs be like? It’s not the scene itself that worries me, it is the pre and post scene time. Specs is hands on, and for a big thing like this, that means giving up a chunk of time pre scene to chat, and e-mail, and probably not cum (he likes that, I think I do too). And post scene I might be all jittery, and such. Sue thinks I should do it. Sue is amazing, and normally right about my life. I think I am going to do it. But I need to check up on all this first. It could be a lot more fun to reject the offer (I like having power). So, where does that put me…I am over it, I meet two guys on Wednesday. One is a New guy online that I am hoping will work out. The other is a hottie who I want to beat me. And I whole mess of school. Reading this over… that’s probably a really bad way to pick sex activities. However, a very fun way of experiencing them.
- posted by G @ 4:53 AM