A letter to my parents
Dear Mother, Father, Let me dispense with the courtesy normaly extended in letters. I will not be asking how you are. I will not be pondering what you have been up to. And I don’t plan on hoping this letter finds you well. I don’t really care. I want to be clear, I am bitter, angry, and annoyed with you. I wish I could write this letter from some moralistic high point. That I could look down upon with eyes that didn’t squint and mouth that wouldn’t sneer. I wish that this letter was an exercise in calm, cool-headedness. I would so desire to be writing this 10 years in the future. So far ahead in time that I could ignore on the meaningless stuff. I am will be trying to ignore all the meaningless stuff as this letter goes along, but I am sure some of it will crop up. I don’t hate you. It’s too simple to hate you, too easy, and I don’t want my life to be that easy anymore. You both continue to serve as a reminder to me that one doesn’t HAVE to love their parents. But that would be digressing (I do that a whole lot)…I don’t hate you, I don’t love you. So what do I feel for/toward you? I cannot pretend to be ambivalent toward you, I wish I was though. I am angry, and frustrated with you both. I am upset, and confused by you. Mostly, I’m just tired of you two. I’m tired of hearing you tell me you love me. I’m tired of fighting over what appropriate behavior. I am tired of wanting to be someone else to please you. I am tired of not feeling good about myself around you. More over, I am tired of having a bad evening because of you. I am tired of obsessing over something small you said. And I’m tired of feeling crazy because, I do that. I’m angry that you tell me your excited about my A in math this semester. I am angry because that doesn’t change anything for you. I am frustrated that I can’t seem to drive it into your head that telling another human being I am gay doesn’t mean I am “flaunting my sexuality.” I am confused at how you can claim to not have an issue with me being gay, and then tell me to not tell anyone about it. I am not, and will not be a secret. You should be content that I haven’t explained the bruises I had last summer. And I am scared. I’m scared that I won’t have you in my life, I’m scared that you will never change. I scared that this is how it will always be, that as I get older you will become MY secret. I worry that I will never invite you to come over, that this whole thing between us isn’t a phase. I’m scared that you won’t be in my life because, frankly, after the money runs out, I don’t think I want you in it. I worry that you’re right. That all the criticisms, the shame, the fear that you both have…I worry that you’re justified. But, you want to know what I worry about most? You are supposed to be the ones to know me best. I’ve known you longer than anyone else. The thing I worry about most is that when you say you love me, that that’s really love. That it is what all love becomes over time. And that makes me sad. Here is how this letter ends. I am not a big fan of ultimatums, and I don’t plan on becoming one. Mostly because I don’t know how I will feel on any given day. But, I want this to be an ultimatum. Tonight, Father, you asked me to stop calling you Father, cause it sounded too formal. I will stop calling you Father, when I believe you’re a dad. When hanging out with you for a day makes me feel good at the end of it. When one of your critics on my life comes with an offer for improvement. When I miss seeing you. That’s when I will call you Dad, okay Father? Same goes for you Mother. I will never insult you, I will not be disrespectful, I’m too good for that…but I will never be loving. I’m too good for that also. And now for the ultimatum: If I continue to feel bad about my lifestyle choices when I am home. I won’t come home. And I won’t let home come to me…ever. I’m not perfect, I won’t pretend to be. But I won’t let you make me feel flawed. I’m not going to send this letter to you. I don’t see a point to it. But I’m gonna keep my ultimatum. And I’m gone keep my promise. Who are all those people?
- posted by G @ 11:08 PM