Thinking is hard
That’s the truth, any kind of examination is hard. Like tonight I saw a friend of mine in a light I didn’t like. While another of my friends saw me in one she loved. We have to figure out what it is we want. There is so much in my head I want to get out…but I got drunk and the desire to sleep is hard to resist. I want a tattoo. Something small. But something. I nearly got one tonight (long story), but I thought about calling my Sirs, and asking (in a slurred “I’m drunk” sort of way) and hearing them say no pretty quickly. So I skipped that. I don’t like drinking, I don’t like me drunk, I don’t like my friends drunk. We revert. We become these childlike versions of ourselves. “I want to fuck” replaces “I need to get laid”, “school sucks” replaces “I have to study hard tomorrow.” I like intellect, I like conversations, I like hearing those things. I don’t like dumbed down versions of people I want to get to know. And I especially don’t like dumbed down me. I have a quick mouth…sober, and a quicker, louder, one when drunk. It’s never insulting, (well…) but it’s not nice. I don’t pick fights, but I don’t make friends with it. Tonight I yelled at some kid who has always irked me. He’s moppy. I hate mopey. His life is bad because he “has to” do everything. It’s so fucked up. Please yourself. Then please others, it’s the only way. Otherwise you wind up bitter at people who just don’t get that you don’t want do things. Meanwhile I thought about this guy I played with back when I was 17. He was a former slave who was becoming a Sir. I played with him 3 times (a record for me at the time). He tied me up with ties, put on a game, and spanked me during the commercials. Occasionally he let me give him head. Then he would jerk me off till I came, and freaked out a bit (at 17 I was prone to “oh my god, what have I done…again” syndrome), then I left. The third time he told me he wanted to go longer next time, hold me after. I declined and never spoke to him again. But now the same thing has happened with Sirs. To a larger extent, but the same idea. Except this time I said yes, and gave into my desires. Letting them get close isn’t going to be easy. They are close already, but I still tense up sometimes, want to ignore my past. I mean, I get hurt so easily it feels like sometimes. I worry about that I think. When this ends…they have each other. But there is SOOOOOO much to learn, and so much gain. I just wish I could gain that all with out this feeling inside me. I miss them, it’s been a week, and I miss them. I feel so fucked up at times like these. I’m not lonely, I’m not alone, but….i miss them. Sigh…I hate my emotions sometimes. Why couldn’t my body just put that feeling off for like two days? So much to write. Soooo sleepy.
- posted by G @ 5:23 AM