More weekend thoughts and details.
A couple more things about the scene with my Sirs. I’ve been thinking about it, going over my emotions, trying to comprehend it. You know what I think it is? I think it’s about submission, and faith. I’d never been beaten by two men at once. When your getting hit by one guy, you can concentrate, and predict when you are going to be hit. Not that I am right all the time when that happens, but that ability to predict (feel it coming) gives me a sort of control. With the two of them…well, I couldn’t. Sir has told me often that I need to not tense up, and that I should try to experience it. So…I think that’s it. I wasn’t able to trust them and just experience it. But I also think it’s a lack of faith in me. As if I need to plan ahead otherwise I won’t act right. See, when I do S/m I am always kind of worried that my reactions aren’t appropriate. I want to dodge the shots, move away from the pain. When I am bound, I like to struggle and squirm. It just feels more real that way. But I worry…is that okay? Should I struggle less? Can I yell? Should I muffle my noise? Can I say “motherfucker” when it hurts a lot? Does it matter? In so many ways I am trying to live in the future. During the scenes I am just trying to get on to the good stuff, to when I alter myself a bit. I’m not really experiencing them the way I should be. I think that’s just it. I have no proof of this, so I will need to ask a friend. But I think when a person is a heavy masochist they experience each moment. As opposed for striving for the rush, they just exist in the scene in whole. They trust the Top to take them there, or they trust the Top to just take them. It’s not that I have not experienced a lot. I think I have. But I have not gone deeply before. And if I am going to toughen up, then I am going to have to trust. What I am doing now is sort getting on the train and thinking “I am going to go to Philadelphia!” Well, if you’re the bottom your thoughts should be more like “I am going to take a trip!” Then you let the conductor decide where you go. Mind you, my future living extends well beyond the scene. I frequently plan my life far ahead of myself. SO…my plan is to start trying to just experience things. Not group things as part of something greater, or plan them as a necessary thing. I am going to explore A before I think about B. At least that’s my hope today. Well, time to jerk off. Oh and it’s only Tuesday and I am already going stir crazy, I may wind up begging Sirs. OH! and my roomate is asleep, so i can't jerk off...hmmm....then i shall study.
- posted by G @ 3:59 PM