Judge me!
I used to be a now it all. A now it all is a person who wants it all now. Fuck it. I’m still a now it all…and who doesn’t want it all now? Sigh…I’m avoiding writing, I just put some stuff in my Journal, I don’t like how it comes out. You see the problem with my journal is I write in ink, and my journal is paper. So I have to look at my bad hand writing, and atrocious spelling whenever I use it. But it’s also becoming a favorite thing of mine to do. I can zone, and doodle in it too! And then I close it, and seal away my private thoughts. Nifty! This trip I freaked out for part of it. I feel like shit about it. I was bound, blindfolded, naked, spread eagle face down on the bed. Sir and Daddybear start slow, paddling…They move onto spanking, and hitting my back. It’s going well. I’m breathing okay, and focused… But then there is wax poured on me… and I lose it. It was strange, I can’t really figure out why I lost it. But this intense fear snatched me up, and threw me around. I couldn’t breathe right. I was bucking against the bonds. Twisting myself up, and making myself worked up. It was just so strange, I have never done a scene where the two of them have beaten me. So, the experience was unique. Though they took me pretty far (I think it was like 45 minutes) my Sirs had to pull back a lot after the wax. I couldn’t trust them. And that really sucks. I want to believe that when it counts I can take hold of a good thing. And for the most part that has proven correct. But there are limits. I don’t trust easy, and I can’t put my faith in things just because I want to. It’s strange too, because there are things I joke about with them. Like this weekend I referenced getting a tattoo as a more hidden collar. It’s only been two months. I know they wouldn’t do that, so I can feel free to ask for it. I trust them not harm me. But…why the scene freak out? I mean it didn’t end the scene, we continued past it, but it certainly hampered it. I’m still analyzing it in my head, but I am at a loss for something to explain it. But that’s the strange part of all this. Sometimes I can’t explain something cuase I just don’t have the tools yet to explain it. If I had to choose; I would say it was just a moment of feeling completely out of control. I want to do it again though, asap. Some great things about the weekend: Watching TV, while laying my head on Sir’s chest: getting to feel okay about myself. Getting fucked by Daddybear almost everyday of my trip (3 times!) and Cumming without touching myself for two of them. Talking to my Sirs about things that I thought would end this experience, and having them tell me it wouldn’t Playing with someone that my Sirs trust and doing really well during play (I think/hope). Being able to go further with that person because my Sirs trust him. Kissing Sir and Daddybear cause I was good (mostly) Seeing the fabulous Vshaw and going through my highschool yearbook Experiencing mummification for two + Hours. A drunken call from Alli singing me a Valantines day lullaby. Hearing a song that explains me Watching Sir flog another boy, and not be jealous. Being able to appreciate what I am getting. Daddybear answering a question of mine without me having to ask it. The sheer genius that is golden girls. Hillary Duff’s new single (sell out). Knowing all my stuff for Depaul is in. Some not so good things: Freaking out during that scene. Worrying about my college future. Discovering that an old friend of mine is now in rehab (part of the yearbook review). Getting grounded for this week by my Sirs (I earned a lot points). The basic feeling that I have a long ways to go before I am going to feel confident in this. Not having the anal fortitude to take Daddybear a fourth time this weekend. Feeling like a puddle of emotions, and wondering if I am revert. Hearing my Sirs view on Conc. Missing my Sirs after only two hours (pathetic!). Getting a call from Specs and discovering that I still become giddy when that happens (Pathetic!) My inherent desire to Okay So I am in the dorms all this week (stir crazy!!!!!!!!) because I did some pretty stupid things, and made some errors. So my Sirs are grounding me (but I can masturbate, which is good, otherwise there would be murders, many murders). On the plus side, you people will get my many thoughts! Still, it’s funny how quickly this all worked for me. I care about them so much, its kind of scary to me. But leaving their apartment this morning I felt all mopey, like sad that I wouldn’t see them for 3 weeks. They are so pretty, and such nice souls. Sigh, I am such a school girl. I thought I was lost, but I was stranded .
- posted by G @ 1:23 AM