Head in my space
Why can’t I just fix my dilemmas? Why can’t I just remove the feelings I don’t want? and why can’t I just do the things feel good, with out feeling bad? My psychologist (5-6 months ago) told me that I was person who matured quickly. She went onto add; “in most areas.” But she didn’t mean that I matured quickly for my age, she meant that over the past couple years I had gone through a lot. I’m getting that now. I finally understand the warnings, the hints, and a lot of how others worry about me. Last night I woke up at 2am. Reaching for my collar almost immediately. It wasn’t around my neck, I had forgotten to sleep with it on cause I had taken it off around the dorms. But…there I was for a moment, collarless, and a little scared. I got out of bed, kneeled down and put it back on. I fell asleep almost immediately. It’s just weird, I want it both ways don’t I? I want to have this safe feeling without the alienation that “I have to go bed at 1am” or “I have to make a call before we go out” causes. But then…some days, I don’t give a shit about it. Not the collar, or what it means…but about what this responsibility does for me. Some days I think, fuck them. But it never lasts. Tonight me and an acquaintance were heading off to LAW 101, and I kneeled down take my collar off. His eyebrows raised, as he rolled his eyes. He never commented on it, but that says more about it than asking. He doesn’t want to know. He’s a queer youth, and to them the leather folks are evil. A cheap con to get them tied up by old men (he’s explained this theory to me, we are working on it). But what about it makes me want to stick with it? Why, inspite of my feeling like I want to run again do I want to keep up with it? Why has flossing become a part of my daily routine? Truth is…I’m better, I feel it, people see it. My friends can tell…Tim told me that I feel more real to him now. S/m translates. But none of my friends now why exactly, I have mentors in Boston. No…that’s not true. A lot of my friends know why exactly, just none of. Sue and Mia (see satan letters) know, they know what it means to me. The approve, but don’t encourage. But I keep forgetting that I have leather friends, that I know people who live this lifestyle. That they encourage, that they are proud, that they care. It’s kind of sad, I need to stop discounting their worth to me. I need to remember that i am not on the path that the other kids take, and that I am 10 percent of ten percent, of 50 percent (the estimate is that 10 percent of people are gay, 10 percent of that population has done kink, 50 percent of THAT population does it on a regular basis). There are no peers. There are no equals. Conc likes to be flogged, but even he wants a boyfriend. He doesn’t find transcendence in it. It’s a thrill for him, not a craving. More over, that desire to submit isn’t present with him (or I may not be trained to see it). Up past my bedtime. Logged out of aim and online. Need to type…. I need to stop trying to compare myself for them. Yes, FOR them. It doesn’t help me. I won’t gain their acceptance for that part of my life. It’s true what they write in all those S/m books, what Sir and Daddybear mention about society and submission. All my business classes talk about aggressiveness, my economics instructor mentions how we will become the upper crust of management if we pay attention. The measure of your worth is by the number of resources you control. So what does that say about a boy who wants to be controlled? Am I some kind of dysfunctional youth, lashing out at society for wanting me to be controlling? No. I want it, I crave it. I didn’t skip a class today on hope that Sir and Daddybear will fuck me this weekend (I plan to enema myself pre getting on bus, which may prove difficult in a dorm bathroom, but there is a lock…). But desiring the approval of my Sirs doesn’t negate the truth that I want the approval of society. I’m not ready to give up the white picket fence dream. Woah… Shit. It’s all just so fucked up. And I hate that I just had this thought. Do I like them more because they live in boston? Does it work for me because they are to far to influence my daily life? I don’t think so…but isn’t it possible? It is. And yet…it doesn’t feel likely, it doesn’t even feel possible. They are special. I have read the contract over enough times to know that. And I’ve been around long enough to know that most want cheap and easy sex. But what’s befuddling is the realization that I may not be one of those people. I mean, read the blog. But with their domination comes a lot of freedom. I’ve spent a lot more nights in the dorm studying, but also bonding, I can afford too, I’m going to get what I crave if I’m a good boy. Mind you it has only been three weeks of classes...and I’m jumping ahead I suppose. But there are two things that are in my head. my Sirs, expressed concerns about my college hunt…he is also worried that I don’t want them to be a part of it…and yet I don’t seem to be making efforts to really research the schools so much as I am just looking at the surface (the last part is my own thinking…but I think it’s something Sir has noticed). Truth is…I bottle up my emotions because I can’t predict them. I can’t control them. I’ve been avoiding the college talk with Sirs because I have never had this discussion with anyone before. They matter, their opinion matters, hell it will change mine (they present arguments well). But they also would be looking out for me. I know that. And maybe that’s why their opinion scares me. I am surprisingly willing to fuck up my own life. The people I sleep with are far less willing to let me. But tonight… Sir asked why I wanted the permanent collar, what my reason was… I didn’t have an immediate answer…so I began to blog…hoping to find a quick answer for it. I don’t have a quick one. But I do have a long one ----after reading this all over, I have decided to wait to post this, I want my Sirs to read it first, and then I will ask them if I can post it, which is not my normal policy, but I can change that as I damn well please---- Man this is getting heavy…I am going to use the journal my Sirs gave me, I need to keep these private at the moment I think, but I will do that tomorrow, I have a schedule to keep and a sleep to get. I know what I want…but am I ready? I think so…but every time I think I am, I run into things I didn’t expect. I’m going to let my Sirs decide what I’m ready for. The act has become the art of growing up. To understand why the following phrases are grood: “when you fall in a bottomless pit you die of starvation” and “CEREBELLUM!” and “it’s over!” http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgsmenu.html “I HAVE A CRUSH ON EVERY BOY!”
- posted by G @ 2:41 AM