Certainty
There are only 2 certain things that scare me: When I don’t have any control, and scary freakish, crawling bugs. Not that I don’t have other fears. But those are the two things you can be certain about me being afraid of. Over the course of these last couple days, I have been told how this is not my fault (it’s not), and how I couldn’t have stopped him. That’s worse for me. That thought that I couldn’t stop it, that there was nothing I could have done. In my head I’m immortal, invincible, and sometimes, when the sky is clear, I’m pretty sure I could change the world with my thoughts. As of yet no one has disproved me. I mean, I’m not dead so immortal is kind of hard to disprove. And I have all my fingers and toes so who knows if they would grow back? But, I’m giving up on some of those thoughts. I’m keeping immortal, and I will until someone proves me wrong (and you can’t till I am dead). But this weekend meant a lot to me. I sobbed while watching steel magnolias, cursed the screen. I’m still raw about it all. but I’m getting better. Today has been pretty good, and yesterday felt okay. I snapped at Daddybear though, when he didn’t use Mikes name when telling a friends of his what happened. It was in-appropriate, I just wish there was a way to make this matter to everyone. But I suppose there isn’t. And I know it matters to Daddybear, but not in the direct way, its not that mike killed himself, it’s that I’m sad because mike is dead. I can deal with being cared about. Before I left today Sir and Daddybear spoke to me about yeah a,nd dressing right, and speaking well. I want to improve, I felt that today, I really want to be a good boy. See but already my minds working over time, this weekend, I need a distraction, and I need to move on. I want to leave this all behind like a bad party. Shave it off like a bad hair cut. Laser it away like an ugly scar. I won’t, I’m going to talk to my friends, deal with it. But that whole time. I intend to be sleeping around (giving head, kissing strangers, back alley nipple grabs). I want to be in a compromising position.
- posted by G @ 12:20 AM