Burn out That’s what happened I guess. I am near something. This vast well (like the water kind) inside me is making me feel a little empty right now I guess. I am tired and worn from this weekend. So many cool things happened and I can’t figure out why I am now so low. I did play piercing (needles through skin), learned how to do fire play, got flogged, whipped, spanked, paddled, foot tortured, caned, pissed on. And tied a man to a tree (chest punching, water sports), tied a boy to a tabled (Nipple clamps, zipper, clothes pins), and talked with lesbian S/m’ers about their experiences. So, here is what I have found, I need a slow buildup, and I am into it more with someone I am attracted to physically and mentally that just one or the other (file that under duh). Fire play was stupid, I am good at it, but the camp doesn’t have the right to do it, though my teacher was a pretty cool big leather guy. Women are better at s/m than men. Sorry, I may be wrong, but I think it’s true, there is something about it that clicks. Not that it matters really, we all do what we can. But both communities could benefit from combining, rather than Gay and lesbian and straight, but kinky. It was cool, and I think I met my female counterpart. Wellequiped and his boy and I played, we did some flogging. I even tried some bisexual acts (tied up by a woman, chest punching and other stuff). I am just so…so confused. How can all these acts work? Where do I pick up? Where do I let if fall? I need to work on my topping, I can get the man I an with there, but making him feel good about the journey (“your so good, you can do it!”) is something I forget to do. Oh well, I am getting better, and I have learned how to pull this off, fuck age, I am pretty experienced, and pretty cute, and intelligent on occasion. Jesus, I got off the phone with VJ, it’s ending, or something. I hate this, I want to be normal. I mean, secretly I would take the kids and a wife option if I could. But I can’t and, I don’t want to waste time that could be reserved for fun, trying to achieve it. So, where does that leave me? I want to play more, I care deeply for VJ, but I want to play with other people, I am supremely young for my desires and what I am doing long play periods lead me to crash I am on the edge of a major burn out (from what I am told it’s the curse of the leather lifestyle) but I am okay with that coming. Sigh… it’s dumb, I am have so much shit going on, Work (overnighter!), college (sept. 1st!), and friends (brit is back home soon!) Reading over it all I guess it’s simply that I did too much, but I don’t feel that way. I want more, in every capacity of the word. Sigh, reality is coming, I can feel it. I guess, and I may regret writing this, but I guess I want not to give up control not to let myself go in a scene. But to have them taken from me after being with the right man for a long enough time. Is that romantic? Am I (my god) slowly coming around to the idea of dating a (heaven forbid) sadist? No, but I wouldn’t object to rougher play with a more steady group. And I guess I don’t mind how it works now (several people I care about, and tons of fun side trips). I look forward to this future, I am happy with present. So here I sit in a strange house. Typing a journal all the while thinking about how the dungeon is less than 5 feet. Contemplating whether or not my back has healed. Or if I could take it on the front (did that too). I am gonna nap I think, then talk to Sir Wellequiped about Neosporin, and flogging. I mean I do have another day. Maybe if I a heal tonight…. But I leave with this quote from a late night talk. I rarely toot my own quote, but whatever, I rock. “it’s not about tops or bottoms, it’s not about Sir’s or boy’s, or Men, or Sex, or Desire, or slaves, or Masters. It’s about you at the end of it, if you want to be good the other person and help them, great. But you’re the one who deals at the end of it. Don’t enter this place with the intention of finding yourself. Enter it with the intention of losing it, now, get on the table, hands to your side.”
- posted by G @ 9:23 PM